The Dark Kingdom Fourth of July

© 1998 by Ace Otaku


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Author's Notes:

Author's Notes: This is a side project I was working on, since I was wondering if the Dark Kingdom denizens had a sort of Fourth of Julyish holiday or any kind of holiday at all.


The Dark Kingdom Fourth of July

© 1998 by Ace Otaku

Queen Beryl was meticulously going over all the details. Everything had to be done meticulously. If the slightest thing went wrong, her entire reputation might be ruined. What was Beryl doing you ask? Planning an attack on Earth. Plotting to kill an insolent King? No, this was far more important. She was planning the Dark Kingdom Fourth of July ceremonies that were to take place the next day. This was what everyone waited all year for. It was the only holiday in the Dark Kingdom and the only time many in the Dark Kingdom had to have fun. It was also a time for Queen Beryl to gratituiously flaunt her power around and scare everyone back into submission.

Queen Beryl told everyone that the Fourth celebrated the founding of the Dark Kingdom. But everyone knew that was she really meant was that it was the anniversary when they had all been imprisoned in this alter dimension by the power of the ginzuishou. But most were willing to look over this glossing over of the truth, since the holiday meant a day of fun for officer and youma alike.

"Let's see," she said to herself. "I'll ride through the streets of the Dark Kingdom in a ticker tape parade while overwhelming everyone with my beauty and power! Then the entire Dark Kingdom officers corps will march behind me. In front of myself, the Four Kings will march in front of me and sing my praises."

It was here that Queen Beryl frowned. The truth of the matter was that three out of four of the Four Kings couldn't carry a tune in a bucket. Zoisite was the only one among them who could sing and sing well. It was convenient that in addition to having a good singing voice, Zoisite was also cute and pretty, since that meant that she could force him to dress up in goofy looking outfits. Well, as far as she was concerned the others would just have to lip synch.

* * *

"Kunzite! Kunzite! I'm so excited! It's finally here again!" Zoisite cried happily as he happily bounced around their mansion. Being the youngest of the Kings, Zoisite was subject to fits of excessive hyperactivity.

Kunzite just shook his head. "I just hope Queen Beryl doesn't make us sing in public for her again."

Zoisite stopped bouncing around and shuddered. "I just hope she doesn't make me wear those stupid outfits again."

"You know Beryl always make you wear the outfits."

"It's not fair."

"She thinks it's cute to dress you up. And it's true, you do look cute in the outfits."

"You wouldn't think it was cute if you had to dress up as Richie Rich in front of the entire Dark Kingdom! I barely made it home last year alive!"

"Aw, I thought you looked cute in the short pants and bow tie!"

Zoisite began to pout and Kunzite chuckled.

"Anyway, we have to go meet with Nephrite and Jadeite about the fireworks shipment."

"Right!" At the sound of the word 'fireworks' Zoisite immediately perked up and the two materialized in a barren field to meet with their comrades.

Procuring fireworks was very important since they were illegal in the Dark Kingdom. As the inhabitants of the Dark Kingdom had little experience with the workings of explosives, fireworks often injured or killed them when they tried to work them. Since good or even mediocre troops were hard to replace, Queen Beryl had outlawed fireworks. However, that didn't stop the Dark Kingdom denizens from liking fireworks and the Four Kings planned on buying bootleg fireworks from Earth, and charging everyone else to see the display.

* * *

"I see we're all here now," Nephrite said, after Kunzite and Zoisite arrived. "so lets get down to business."

"I have the information we need," Jadeite said. "In the Deep South of the United States we will be able to buy an ample supply of fireworks. In fact, explosives are so plentifully there, you can buy them in places like Wal-Mart and K-Mart, which will make it more convenient for us."

"So it is decided," Kunzite decreed. "All of us except Zoisite will teleport to Alabama to get the fireworks."

"Why can't I come?" Zoisite interjected.

"You wouldn't fit in,"

"What's that supposed to mean? I've always fit in whenever we go anywhere else to the Earth Realm."

"It's different now."

"Why is it different?"

While Kunzite tried to gloss it over as much as possible, Nephrite finally said, "What he's trying to say is that if a fem-boy like you goes into a place like Alabama, you'll never make it back to the Dark Kingdom alive."

"That's not fair!" Zoisite pouted. "I want to go everywhere Kunzite goes!"

Not wanting to hinder their mission any by Zoisite's temper tantrums, Kunzite said, "You can come, too, Zoisite, just dress like a woman and no one will notice."

"Yay!" Zoisite cheered and immediately teleported back home to change his appearance.

"Oh great!" Jadeite grumbled. "Now it'll take at least an hour before he's ready. I don't see why you insisted on him going."

It was here that Kunzite became really large and scary and said, "Are you insulting my sweet Zoi-chan???!!!"

Jadeite became really scared and super deformed and said, "No, of course not Kunzite!"

"Good." Kunzite returned back to normal.

An hour and a half later, Zoisite returned dressed in a rather scanty summer dress and sandals. Kunzite's eyes turned into two big hearts. Jadeite and Nephrite just rolled their eyes. Before the two could start sucking each other's faces, Jadeite interjected by saying, "We've been waiting for an hour and a half! Let's get going!"

Regretfully, Kunzite pulled his eyes from Zoisite and said, "Jadeite's right. Lets go."

Before they left, Jadeite's eyes traveled across Zoisite and landed on his chest. Something looked wrong. Zoisite's chest seemed to be noticeably larger than it was an hour and a half ago. "I'll probably regret asking this later, but Zoisite, have you had some kind of surgery in the last hour?"

"Of course not!" Zoisite said. He fished around in his dress, much to everyone else's shock except Kunzite, who was used to this. Eventually, Zoisite pulled out a small sack filled with a transparent fluid.

"I know I shouldn't ask, but what is that?" Nephrite asked.

"It's a fake boob! I bought it so I can have convincing breasts, without having surgery or silicon implants. When I'm done all I do is take them out."

"You're so resourceful!" Kunzite cooed. The others just put on expressions that said, I didn't need to know that.

After the source behind Zoisite's enlarged chest was revealed, the four finally teleported to Alabama.

* * *

Sometime later...

The Four Kings returned to the Dark Kingdom. The trip had gone without incident and everything was well. The only problem was storing the fireworks. To store them in any of their quarters would arouse too much damning evidence if they were to be found. They needed a place to stash the fireworks and fast.

"What if we just stash them up the chimney in Queen Beryl's place?" Nephrite said.

"That's stupid," Zoisite snorted. "She's sure to notice."

"Why would she light a fire in July?"

"We light fires in our place year round," Kunzite said.

"Well, if you haven't noticed Queen Beryl is all by herself, she'll have no need to light a fire."

"Yeah that makes sense," Kunzite agreed, and he teleported the explosives to Queen Beryl's chimney. Just as soon as they had finished that task, they got a mental summons from Queen Beryl. Kunzite, Nephrite, Jadeite, Zoisite! Report immediately to my throne room!

* * *

As soon as they arrived in the throne room, Queen Beryl rose from her throne. "How good of you to come!" she said in her usual grating voice. "As you know, you four are the highest ranking of my officers. Therefor you have a prominent position in this year's Fourth of July celebration, especially you, Zoisite."

Immediately Zoisite's eyes lit up and he gave a quick, smug glance to Nephrite before saying. "I'm honored, my Queen."

"Even though you are the youngest and least ranking of my Kings, you will have the most important position in the parade this year next to me,"

Zoisite could barely contain his excitement.

"As a result of your skill in the musical arts, you will march in front of your superiors and sing praises of me. If you do this well, I see of promotion in your future."

Zoisite was clearly on a power high and shot another smug glance at Nephrite, who angrily glared back.

"What're we going to be doing, my Queen?" Jadeite suddenly protested.

"You guys? Just march behind Zoisite, wear your uniforms, look stoic, and lipsynch as much as possible."

That's it? Nephrite thought angrily. It seemed unfair to Nephrite that a man so much younger and inexperienced should have such an important role in the parade.

"Um, that reminds me, my Queen," Zoisite began. "What will I be wearing?"

"Ah, I was hoping you'd ask that! Your Richie Rich costume was such a hit last year, that it'll be more of the same this year (Zoisite's face suddenly paled). This year in the parade you'll be wearing a Little Lord Fauntleroy suit." She waved her hand and a projection of Zoisite's costume appeared on a wall. As soon as Zoisite saw it, his face fell.

It consisted of short velvet pants, matching jacket, white buttoned shirt with a cute embroidered collar that said 'Zoisite', and shoes with little golden buckles. When they saw the costume, Jadeite and Nephrite could barely contain their snickers. Kunzite appeared to have no reaction, but in reality he was fantasizing about how Zoisite would look in the tight velvet shorts.

"Yes, you'll look very cute in this outfit," Beryl said with a smile.

"Thank you, my Queen," Zoisite said in a unenthusiastic voice.

* * *

The next day...

"Come on Zoisite," Kunzite persuaded.

"No," a voice said from the bathroom.

"You know you really don't have a choice. If you don't come out, Queen Beryl will put you in eternal sleep."

Some grunting and mumbling sound emerged from the bathroom, and Zoisite reluctantly emerged from the bathroom in his Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit. "Man, I look like a total chode!" Zoisite complained.

Kunzite chuckled. "On the contrary. You look very cute."

Before Zoisite could complain anymore, Kunzite took his hand and teleported both of them to the parade site.

* * *

Meanwhile...

Nephrite sighed. This parade was going to suck away all his energy. He was still jealous that Zoisite had such an important role, even if Zoisite was going to look like the biggest dork in the Dark Kingdom. He wondered how he was able to parley such favor with the Queen. Well, it would be some comfort to see his rival be humiliated in front of the entire Dark Kingdom. Nephrite pulled a bottle of wine out from under a table. He chugged down the entire contents of the bottle. After that was done, he chugged down another bottle. Feeling pleasantly drunk, Nephrite teleported to the parade site.

* * *

To say the Dark Kingdom Fourth of July parade was an unusual affair would be putting it mildly. At the very front of the procession was Queen Beryl, doing her best to look really scary. Occasionally her scepter would fire blasts of energy, which fried some of the onlookers. Directly behind Beryl was Zoisite, dressed in his Little Lord Fauntleroy costume, singing praises of Beryl as his eyes nervously watched the lecherous glances of the onlookers. Directly behind Zoisite were Jadeite and Kunzite doing their best to look stoic, manly and important. Nephrite was staggering around throughout the streets querying the onlookers about the pink, purple, and green elephants that appeared to be rioting through the streets. Everyone pretended not to notice that Nephrite had gone astray as they didn't want to ruin the parade and further piss of Queen Beryl. Behind Jadeite and Kunzite were the lesser officers of the Dark Kingdom, marching in long rankings.

"Oh what a beautiful Queen we have!

She's so nice and kind!

So wise and benevolent!

I wish I could be like our beloved Queen!" Zoisite sang. He couldn't help but notice the catcalls and wolf whistles of the parade goers. As soon as the parade was over, he was going to have to hightail it out of there. These people were crazy. Who knows what sort of sick ideas they might have in mind for him? Kunzite was worried as well. He didn't like all these people looking so fondly at his lover. He made mental notes of who was lusting after his property so he could punish them later.

* * *

By this time, Nephrite had staggered around far away from the parade grounds. "Boy, I hate Queen Beryl!" he slurred. "If it wasn't for her I could buy that vineyard in France I want so much!"

He staggered down the empty streets some more. "That pig!" he snarled. "I'm gonna kill her for ruining my life! My dreams shattered... Being stuck in this nut house with that psycho Zoisite all the time. I'm going mad!"

Nephrite ordinarily wouldn't say all this stuff out loud, but when he was drunk he was liable to say and do just about anything. He teleported to Queen Beryl's private quarters with the intent to kill her, completely forgetting that she and everyone else in the Dark Kingdom was attending the parade.

Once inside Beryl's quarters, he looked around as if he expected to find her. "C'mon Beryl! Don't be a coward for once and fight."

When Beryl didn't come, Nephrite assumed that his 'commanding' presence had scared Beryl off. "Hah! Serves her right, the coward. With her out of the way, I can assume the throne of the Dark Kingdom!" Unable to control himself, Nephrite laughed fiendishly.

Then Nephrite, upon deciding that since Beryl wouldn't be needed her quarters anymore, decided to make himself at home. He took out some more bottles of wine from Beryl's private collection and sat down in a chair.

As Nephrite enjoyed himself drinking Beryl's wine, he thought how nice it would be to start a fire in the fireplace. Though it was July and it was sweltering outside, Beryl's quarters were actually rather cold and Nephrite wanted to warm up some. Plus, it would add a nice atmosphere to the room.

Nephrite conjured up some wood to put in the fireplace. Then he conjured up a fireball to light the fire. Just when he was about to think, how pleasant it was that Beryl was out of the way, there was a loud explosion and Nephrite lost consciousness.

* * *

Just after Zoisite was to go into another verse on why Queen Beryl was the greatest person in the world, there was a loud explosion. Then everyone noticed there was fire and smoke coming from Queen Beryl's palace. In her typical selfish fashion, Beryl began screeching for some youma with water based powers to put out the blaze. Unbeknownst to everyone else, Nephrite amazingly enough managed to stagger out of the inferno with a confused look on his face and some bottles of Queen Beryl's wine in his hands. However, in addition to causing an immense fire, the ignited fireworks were also causing a beautiful display.

With the parade prematurely disbanded, you might think that our bishonen boys were disappointed. Not so. Jadeite, instead of actually helping to fight the blaze, decided to have a weenie roast instead, which was widely appreciated by all there, even though he charged the most insane prices ($5 a weenie to be exact). Fortunately, for Nephrite, Queen Beryl never found out that it was he who burned down her palace although for some reason she did notice her wine missing and knew it was him. His punishment for that was cleaning the floor of her rebuilt throne room with his tongue. However, for the remainder of the Fourth of July, Nephrite just sat on the black, withered grass of the Dark Kingdom, drinking his wine and admiring the fireworks. Zoisite was glad that the parade had disbanded as that meant that everybody had stopped looking at him in the dumb costume. As soon as the parade broke up, he had turned the Little Lord Fauntleroy outfit into his Dark Kingdom uniform. He too, was sitting on the disfigured grass watching the blaze and fireworks. Kunzite sat next to him with one arm around Zoisite's waist and using the other arm to munch one of Jadeite's hot dogs.

"This is the best Fourth ever, Kunzite," Zoisite whispered. "I get to rubber neck at a disaster, see Nephrite drunk, eat hot dogs, see fireworks, and be with you all at the same time."

"I think today, I really learned what the Fourth of July is about," Kunzite said "It's about celebrating family, friends, how lucky we are to have people who love us, a home, and spreading Fourth of July cheer."

"That's a mistake, Kunzite," Zoisite interrupted. "that's Christmas."

"It is?" Kunzite said in a perplexed voice. "What's the point of the Fourth then?"

"Parades, hot dogs, and fireworks."

"So we didn't learn anything in this fic, did we?"

"'Fraid not, Kunzite."

"And that's just as it should be," Kunzite smiled as he pulled Zoisite into his arms. "No lessons, on morals."

"Amen to that man!"

- Fin -


Author's Endnotes:

Yes, people. I am very much aware that the real Fourth of July is about the freedom of the colonists and sacrifice and stuff, but hey, this is the Dark Kingdom and all they wanna do is have fun so try not to get offended.


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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