Today on The Ace Otaku Show...

You May Think You're All that, But You're Just a Plagiarizing Anime Ho!


A Testament to the Fact that I need to Quit Watching So Much Talk Soup

© 1998 by Ace Otaku

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(Ace Otaku enters. Whole audience starts clapping insanely and chanting O-taku! O-taku! O-taku!)

Ace: Thank you! Thank you! Welcome to the show. Today we'll be meeting a man who feels he was dissed, dogged, and disrespected when another guy shamelessly plagiarized him! (audience goes "Oohh!!!") So here's Zoisite!

(Zoisite comes out in his Dark Kingdom uniform. Audience claps wildly and shouts out bawdy offers. He sits very gracefully in the chair looking very innocent.)

Ace: Hello, Zoisite. Welcome to the show.

Zoisite: I'm glad to be here Ace.

Ace: So tell me the truth; why are you on today.

Zoisite: Well, the other day I was watching TV. Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon to be exact. Y'know I feel that ever since I was killed off, that show's gone downhill, but I digress. Anyway, it was an episode of Sailormoon Super S, and I was SHOCKED, to find that there was a character who plagiarized me so much, it's not even funny. This Fisheye guy is such a Zoisite wannabe! Everybody knows I'm Sailormoon's original feminine man! Any others all pale in comparison to me! And the worst part is that he's not even really a man, but some kind of fish person! (audience cheers).

Ace: So you're ready to confront the man who you say is wrongly copying you?

Zoisite (cracks his knuckles): You bet!

Ace: Then come on out Fisheye!

(Fisheye comes out in his frilly body suit. Audience boos. Zoisite comes up to Fisheye and tries to hit him, but misses and falls flat on his face.)

Fisheye (laughs): Who taught you how to fight, your sister?

Zoisite (gets defensive): So what if she did?

(Fisheye and Zoisite start to fight, but it looks like one of those cat fights on Beverly Hills 90210. Audience is ecstatic. Security guys pull the two apart.)

Ace: Welcome to the show, Fisheye.

Fisheye: I just want to say "Hello!" to Tigers eye and Hawks eye if you're watching out there!

Ace: Uh, yeah. So what do you have to say to Zoisite's allegations that you are simply a clone of him.

Fisheye: That's completely wrong! I'm totally original! Zoisite doesn't have this neat body suit! (Zoisite rolls his eyes) And unlike Zoisite here, (gives Zoisite the evil eye) I have lovely blue hair, scaly appendixes, and big cute eyes!

Zoisite (scoffs): So what? I have big eyes too! And it's generally not considered attractive to have scaly appendixes. Just FYI.

Fisheye (ignores Zoisite): All the men fell in love with me! They were practically breaking the door down to meet me. I'm irresistible!

Zoisite: Then how come you don't have yourself a man? (Audience goes "Ooohh!!!) Unlike Fisheye who is lonely and pathetic and dresses like a circus freak...

Fisheye: What's wrong with being a circus freak?

Zoisite: ANYWAY, unlike Fishy here, I have myself steady squeeze! The only thing that hangs around Fish boy here are the flies! (Audience goes "Oohh!!!" and Fisheye throws a chair at Zoisite, which hits him in the temple. Security pulls Fisheye away from Zoisite.)

Zoisite (notices blood coming from the side of his head): You scarred my face! How dare you! Zoi! (blasts Fisheye with sakura petals)

Fisheye: Now you've done it! I'll unleash my secret weapon! (Pulls out knives and starts throwing them at Zoisite. They all miss and go into a wall, harmlessly)

Zoisite (laughs): What the hell was that supposed to be? And anyway you're not even a decent villain! I killed my worst enemy, got all the nijishou and wounded Tuxedo Kamen! You didn't do jack except play dress up and flirt! And you didn't even do that well! Those outfits you wore were so tired!

Fisheye (eyes start to water): Why are you so mean to MEEEE? I tried my very best!

Zoisite: Oh please! That doesn't cut it in the harsh world of being a Sailormoon villain, dearie.

Ace: Well since I haven't had anything to say since this page began, let me put in a few words. A question to both of you. Do you feel that you two are stereotypes?

(Both Zoisite and Fisheye get super deformed; they don't know what "stereotypes" mean.)

Zoisite: Stereo what?

Fisheye: Is that something you play music on?

Ace: No. I mean do you feel that you two fit preconceived notions on how gay men are supposed to be?

Zoisite (starts laughing): Zoisite is a complete original! After all, when was the last time you saw someone as smart and beautiful as me with all these cool magical powers all rolled up into one exquisite package?

Ace: Well, never now that you mention it.

Fisheye: The same with me. You don't see beauty and magical powers like mine everyday.

Zoisite: Excuse me? You can hardly be held to the same amount of beauty as me, you dog!

Fisheye: Dog? I won a beauty pageant!

Zoisite (sneers): One for dogs?

(Fisheye reaches over and tries to strangle Zoisite. They start rolling around on the floor trying to kill each other. Audience chants O-taku! O-taku! O-taku! The security guys come pull the two off each other.)

Ace: I don't see what I can do. I'll take some questions from the audience.

Dorky Frat Guy: I think both of you are a bunch of FREAKS! Why can't you be like normal guys? (All his stupid, drunk frat brothers start back him up by shouting out stuff like "fag" and "queer")

Zoisite: Freaks?! You dare call the Great Zoisite a freak, you fat ass frat boy?!

Fisheye: How dare you insult us!


(Fisheye and Zoisite gang up on the guys who insulted them. Zoisite stabs them with an ice crystal, and Fisheye cuts off their privates with one of his knives. After they're done with the guys they sit back in their chairs. Audience, obviously loving it, goes O-taku! O-taku! O-taku!)

Zoisite: This is what happens when you fail to heed the word of Zoisite!

Fisheye: We may look cute and innocent on the outside, but inside we're a Hunka, Hunka, Burnin' Insanity!

Both (as fires form around the two): FEAR US SUCKERS! FEAR THE TRUTH OF ZOISITE AND FISHEYE!

Ace: I'm sensing a common thread here amongst all the carnage and insanity. Do both of you feel like you're oppressed by others?

Zoisite: You bet! In every non-Japanese version of Sailormoon, I'm always a woman or something stupid like that. Why can't anybody accept my sexuality or the fact that I look very feminine? Plus I was constantly being taunted by that stupid drunk, Nephrite who can't accept the fact that I am the pinnacle of evolution.

Fisheye: And my partners are always making fun of me when I want to try on a new dress or I see a cute guy! No one understands me!

Zoisite: Practically the same thing happened to me!

Fisheye: So different, yet so alike!

(They hug, with tears running down their faces. Audience goes "AWWW!!!")

Fisheye: This must be what it's like when doves cry!

Zoisite: I forgive you!!!!

Both: Let's never fight again!

Ace: Well, there you have it! The Ace Otaku Show, bringing friends and enemies together. I think what we can all learn from this is that often the person you think you have the least in common with can be your best friend and that silly things like ego shouldn't get in the way of friendship. We've also learned that making fun of those who are different is not only wrong, but also potentially life threatening. Till then, don't accept candy from strangers or anything dumb. Good bye!

(As camera fads out, there are shouts of "I'm prettier!", "No, I'm prettier!", "How could you fall in love with Mamoru?", "That body suit is so last season!" etc. It can also been seen that the two get into a huge argument and inadvertently(?) destroy the studio using ice crystals, fire, knives, lemures, youma, etc. Hey you didn't think I was going to let the fic end on such a sugary sweet note, now didja?)

- Fin -

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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