Best Served Hot With a Side Order of Fries

© 1998 by Ace Otaku


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Author's Note:

This is a semiofficial sequel to Love is Enough of a Compromise for Now. I'm calling this 'semiofficial' since it deals with the same concept (making fun of fics that try to separate anime super couple Kunzite and Zoisite) but its not a direct sequel per say, to LIEOACFN. Once again, the somewhat handsome (but otherwise vacant) Motoki tries to meddle in the destinies of the anime gods-and pays for it dearly (the fic is divided up into hours so you can slowly chart Motoki's descent into madness!). BTW, there's NO HENTAI. I just needed to clarify that. So pull up a chair and pop up some popcorn and be prepared to read...


Best Served Hot With a Side Order of Fries

© 1998 by Ace Otaku


Hour One:

Zoisite could never remember being so angry in his entire long life. He hadn't even been this angry when Nephrite took that picture of him dressed as Madonna from her "Truth or Dare" tour and hung it up in the officer's canteen (insolent youma and officers were still buying him cone shaped bras for his birthday). He couldn't believe that his Kunzaito-sama actually found that ugly youma chick attractive!

It wasn't enough that he found someone else attractive, but the fact that it was a human chick just made it worse. How could Kunzite find anyone more attractive than he, Zoisite, the most beautiful of all the Kings? Zoisite was so angry he punched the wall of his dwelling. Since the walls were pure marble, Zoisite hurt his hand pretty bad, and since Kunzite wasn't around to kiss it better, all he could do was cry.

After he felt a little better, Zoisite stopped crying and got up. "Who needs him anyway?" Zoisite grumbled after applying a healing spell to his hand. "I'll show him that I'm far superior to any chick!"

Suddenly a plan devised in his mind and a devilish grin spread across his face. Zoisite conjured up a green evening dress with a slit up to his thigh and matching pumps. Then he reached into a box with 'Fake Boob Collection' written on the lid. Inside this box were fake boobs of all different sizes. Zoisite took out the pair that were right for the occasion and put then inside his dress. After pulling out his hair ribbon, Zoisite then conjured up an ice mirror to examine himself. He grinned with joy. Perfect! Sometimes he was just so gorgeous it was scary. Now he would go to the Earth Realm and flirt with a few guys, and when he told Kunzite he was going to be livid with jealously. It would serve him right, though.

After teleporting down to Earth, Zoisite quickly found a single's bar he could invade. He grinned with malicious glee. Soon Kunzite would know he wasn't the only one who could enjoy attractive people.

* * *

Inside this single's bar, we find Motoki and Mamoru. All the women for some reason seemed to flock to Mamoru (they were wildly attracted to the fact that, with a snap of their fingers, Mamoru would immediately become hypnotized) while he was left all to his lonesome. For some reason, all the women their just gave Motoki weird glances. He couldn't imagine why this was, even though he wore a yellow, blue, and red propeller beanie, vampire fangs, X-ray glasses, carried a squirt gun, and wore a tight t-shirt that read NO FAT CHICKS.

"Boy did you pick the wrong time to try and join a frat," Mamoru snickered when he came over to join his friend.

"Shut up! The chicks are just scared off by my manly, imposing presence, that's all!"

"Sure. Whatever."

"Anyway, I have to leave soon to study. This place is full of desperate chicks anyway. Not my type."

"You're just saying that because nobody's acknowledged your presence the whole time you were here, except me!"

Motoki ignored the comment. Just as he was getting up to go, a beautiful 'girl' entered the bar. 'She' wore a green evening gown to match 'her' beautiful green eyes and she had a look that said 'she' was looking for some action tonight. Immediately as 'she' came in, there was a mob of men running up to meet 'her'. Zoisite grinned in malicious joy. While most of them were trampled by the other guys, Mamoru and Motoki managed to make their way to him.

"Excuse me," the two said simultaneously.

"You looking for fun tonight?" Mamoru asked.

"Wanna have a drink? I'll buy!" Motoki offered.

"I'll buy you a car!"

"I'll get you a trip on the space shuttle!"

"Hey don't you have a girlfriend, Motoki?"

"Isn't a guy entitled to some fun?"

"See what kind of guy he is? A two timer! You deserve better!"

"Dear me!" Zoisite said in his best feminine voice. "I'm so confused!"

"Choose me!" Mamoru said. "I'm tall, dark and handsome!"

"Choose me!" Motoki said. "Blondes have more fun!"

Zoisite looked at both of the men closely as he tried to figure out which one would make Kunzite more jealous. All he needed was to have someone take a picture of him and a guy, which would make Kunzite jealous. Zoisite definitely wanted to make sure he didn't choose a dog. Though he found that for some reason, the two looked almost exactly alike, Zoisite decided on the blond one since he didn't really like guys with dark hair (Zoisite also found that he had seen these two guys before, but couldn't quite place it...). He decided to ignore the fact that the blond man was the most over accessorized man he'd ever seen.

"I'll choose you!" Zoisite pointed at Motoki.

"Killer!" Motoki gave a smug glance at Mamoru, who gave his friend a nasty glare before going to hit on some more women.

Then Motoki, being the sort of guy who did all of his thinking from his pants, immediately said, "Wanna go to my place?"

Before Zoisite could deny the offer, he found himself driving in Motoki's car to his apartment. He found his arguments falling on deaf ears.

"Hey stupid! I don't want to go to your place. Stop the car!"

Zoisite continued arguing up to Motoki's apartment. "You idiot!" Zoisite shouted as he was thrust through the door of the apartment. "Why are you -"

He stopped arguing when he saw that Motoki had a Playstation. "You have a Playstation?"

Zoisite suddenly stopped pretending to be a woman. He let the evening gown disappear and instead conjured up some neon green day glow shorts and a dark green muscle T that read 'Zoi-kun' on the front. Since the pumps had hurt his feet he just decided to go barefoot. As if he actually lived there, Zoisite flipped through Motoki's video games searching for the ones he wanted to play.

"You got Final Fantasy 7? Awesome!"

"You're a boy?!" Motoki said in shock.

"Yeah. Don't I make a good show of being a woman?" Zoisite replied as he played Final Fantasy 7.

"You're a boy?" Motoki repeated again (he was very disappointed).

"I assume from you're shock you thought I was a girl,"

"You're a boy?"

"I've already said yes. Now shut up. I'm trying to get past this Mako reactor..."

* * *

Hour Two:

Motoki had been watching Zoisite play Final Fantasy 7 for some time when he came to a decision He knew that the first thing Mamoru would ask the next time he met was how his encounter went. Mamoru would never let him live it down if he found out that the girl had been a boy. So he just decided to have sex with Zoisite anyway. He figured that since he was an anime character, his sexual preference could change at the drop of a hat. Well, there were some things that he'd be curious to try with this boy...

"By the way, I didn't catch you name," Motoki said slyly.

"Zoey," Zoisite said as he turned off the Playstation. "Blasted Jenova creature, gets me every time."

"Are you going?"

"Yeah, so long," Zoisite said. He decided that he'd have to get his revenge on Kunzite another time.

"Wait. I thought we could 'party'."

"Excuse me?! I thought you said you were straight."

"Well, as an anime character stuff like that is subject to change."

"I have no interest in sleeping with you," Suddenly Zoisite saw a picture on Motoki's dresser that caught his eye as he stalled. It was a picture of Motoki and that Reika girl.

"What's that girl to you?" Zoisite asked suspiciously.

"She's my girlfriend, but don't tell her about anything that happens here tonight!"

It was then that Zoisite had an even better idea. Rather than punish Kunzite, he'd get revenge on that chick who had caught caused all this trouble in the first place. While he was at it, he could also get revenge on that blond pervert. But first he'd have to cause some trouble...

"Err, well, before I do anything I have to have something to eat," Zoisite said. "I'll do it."

"Fine," Motoki sat down to wait awhile. As he waited he prepared a drink with a sedative, just in case Zoisite tried to resist. About ten minutes late he noticed the smell of something burning. He went into the living room and found Zoisite barbecuing a hamburger over a bond fire that he had built.

"Aaaaaah! What are you doing?" Motoki became incredibly super deformed.

"I'm having an urban barbecue," Zoisite said in a very calm voice.

"Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! You'll set the whole building on fire!"

"No, I won't,"

As Motoki tried to put out the fire, he noticed what Zoisite had used to fuel the fire. "That's my collection of Eyeful magazine!"

"So? It's just a bunch of stupid chicks."

Motoki looked even harder and noticed that things else other than girlie magazines were burning. "That's my 30 page thesis paper!" he cried. "How could you burn that, Zoey? I worked a whole year on that!"

But he found that Zoisite was already gone. After extinguishing the fire and salvaging his magazines and thesis, Motoki went to the kitchen and found him, eating some frozen fries that he had heated by conjuring up a fireball (Motoki was too dense to be surprised that this guy was conjuring things up) to go with his hamburger. "Now what are you doing?" he asked in an exasperated tone

"Hamburgers are best served hot with a side order of fries," Zoisite said in his most innocent voice.

He saw a vase of with two roses in it. "Ah. I love roses!" Zoisite took a rose, smelled it and then proceeded to stuff the whole thing in his mouth (thorns and all), chewed it then swallowed it. Motoki was horrified. Then Zoisite repeated this with the second rose.

"What was that?" Motoki demanded.

"I've been told I can't control my temper. Rose petal soothe the savage temper."

Motoki gave Zoisite a look like he had just grown two heads. But he sighed and handed Zoisite the drink with the sedative in it. "Thirsty?"

Zoisite grinned. "Nope, I brought my own." He then conjured up a bottle of soda and swigged the whole thing down in one gulp before letting out a huge belch. Motoki looked in Zoisite's eyes. He knew then that Zoisite knew that the drink had been fixed. But Motoki's libido wouldn't give up trying to make Zoisite one of his conquests.

"Why don't you go to my bedroom?" Motoki asked in a seductive voice.

Zoisite shrugged. "Why not?"

* * *

Hour Three:

Motoki fumbled around trying to gather up his lava lamp, supposedly cute photos of himself, black market Viagra, and anything else to create a lustful mood. Nearby in his bedroom, he head banging around. Suspicious, he dropped all his stuff and went inside. He was shocked by what he saw.

"Do you like it?" Zoisite grinned devilishly. "It'll be the last thing you see before you go to bed each night!"

Zoisite had painted, in about 30 minutes, a large painting of Elvis Prestly, sequined jumpsuit and all, that covered the entire ceiling. "No, I don't like it!" Motoki hissed.

Zoisite smacked his head. "I know! You wanted the young Elvis, right?

"No! I don't want Elvis at all! Go away! If you stay around anymore I'll go crazy!"

"If I do go," Zoisite began slowly. "Will you do anything I want?"

"Anything!"

A cruel smile spread across Zoisite's face. He conjured up a large push up bra. "Take off your shirt and put this on,"

Motoki looked horrified. "But..."

"You said anything." So Motoki, reluctantly put on the garment.

"Now stretch out on that couch," Zoisite ordered. "And look like you like it."

Motoki did this too. Then much to his mortification, Zoisite then conjured up a camera which he used to take a picture of him. "Say cheese!" (I should note that all this time Motoki hadn't taken off his beanie propeller, X-ray sunglasses, and vampire fangs)

"Gimme that camera!" Motoki demanded just as Zoisite made the camera disappear.

"Ouch! That hurts!" Zoisite cried as Motoki grabbed his arm. Fortunately for Zoisite, Kunzite appeared. Having wondered where Zoisite had been for the last three or so hours, Kunzite had traced his whereabouts to Motoki's apartment.

"What are you doing?!" Kunzite demanded. The scene portrayed to him look too kinky.

Zoisite immediately fell into his innocent/helpless act. "Oh it was horrible, Kunzaito-sama! This crazy man kidnapped me and brought me here. He built a fire in his own house and eats roses, thorns and all to say the least. And as you can see he lounges around the house in a big ol' push-up bra."

"That last one's just sick!" Kunzite shouted. As far as Kunzite was concerned, the only man who should ever wear a bra was Zoisite. To him, if anyone else did it, it was sick.

Before Motoki could explain himself, he found Kunzite's fist buried in his face. Then he felt Kunzite kick him in the crouch really hard before kneeing him in the stomach. For good measure, Kunzite kicked him in the crouch again. "C'mon, Zoisite. Let's get you away from this nut." Kunzite said in a voice that said he was disgusted to be near Motoki.

As the two teleported away, Motoki groaned, "I've been had!" before going unconscious.

* * *

Epilogue

The next day, Motoki's girlfriend, Reika received an unusual letter. It had no marking of any kind to indicate where it had come from or who sent it. All it contained inside was a single Polaroid snapshot of her boyfriend lounging on a couch in his apartment in a push up bra. When she tried to confront him about it, she found him in an incoherent mess. He was babbling about teleporting, was trying to walk through wall and conjure objects out of thin air, asking if she was really a man, and scattering the ashes of his burnt thesis in a circle around his bed (not to mention some burnt girlie magazines as well, much to her dismay).

Reika then had Motoki committed to a mental hospital where he remains today, in a straight jacket in a padded white room, mumbling about how the "dude looks like a lady". Reika herself became so disgusted with men that she dropped out of school and became an angry man hating lady punk rocker, changed her name to Jagged Piece of Rusted Metal, and formed a band known as Men Suck. A band which, oddly enough, is despised by men and women alike. The moral of this story boys and girls? Mess with Zoisite's Kunzaito-sama in any form or way or you'll end up dead or insane.

- Fin -


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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