The Kunzilla Saga

Chapter 1: Kunzilla vs. Berylthra!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku


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Author's Note:

This is without a doubt the stupidest thing I have ever written! The entire concept is nutty, beyond belief and I'm ripping off from thousands of people no doubt. This fic takes a comic angle on the events leading up to Zoisite's death.

Yes, yes, I can hear you saying, "But how can you possibly turn that sad episode into comedy?!" Well, since this is a comedy it will end up with a happy ending for Zoisite and Kunzite, I promise upon my Zoisite animation cel! Like most giant monster things, it'll start out a bit slow, to set up the plot. But man, when it gets down to business it rocks! Probably all the comedy will only be funny to me but in any case listen up to a tale I like to call...

Kunzilla vs. Berylthra!
by the Great Ace Otaku

Disclaimer: This time I'm not only ripping off from Naoko Takeuchi, Toei, and all them, but now I'm ripping off from Toho and a load of other folk who I don't know a thing about. Anyway, I of all people don't need to tell you I don't own any of the characters here.


Kunzilla vs. Berylthra! - Chapter 1

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

Queen Beryl was very pissed off. She could never remember being so pissed off in her entire life and trust me she's been pissed off pretty bad before. She had specifically asked, nay demanded her youngest King, Zoisite bring Tuxedo Kamen (AKA Prince Endymion) back to the Dark Kingdom alive, which, of course he didn't do.

I think I should explain that Queen Beryl, like so many women in the Sailormoon canon, was hot for Endymion's bod (don't ask me why). However, Beryl had been lusting after Endymion for almost a thousand years and was getting a bit impatient. Just when she was so close to getting the boy toy of her dreams, Zoisite had mortally wounded Endymion as Tuxedo Kamen. For this the impertinent young King would have to pay.

Queen Beryl looked down at her two commanders, Kunzite and Zoisite as if they were a particularly disgusting species of insect. Zoisite, having been injured by an energy blast from the ginzuishou, weakly leaned against Kunzite's shoulder with a tired expression on his face. Kunzite was trying to appear as calm as possible. He knew that Beryl wanted blood and was already fearing the worst for himself and his lover.

After eyeing the two for a couple of seconds, Beryl finally spoke. "The Moon Princess has awoken and we have lost the ginzuishou to her. You have performed very disgracefully."

Kunzite quickly spoke, trying to mask Zoisite and his failure. "Forgive me. However, the Princess is hardly prepared to utilize the ginzuishou to its full extent and therefore is not a threat to the Dark Kingdom. I beg your patience."

Queen Beryl examined Kunzite with contempt and then said, "Very well. Do what it takes." Then her murderous gaze fell upon the injured Zoisite. "Now Zoisite. Are you prepared?"

Zoisite's eyes suddenly filled with terror; he knew what was coming. "Please, give me another chance!"

"You tried to kill Tuxedo Kamen against my orders," she spat at him. "Did you think I wouldn't notice?" she added rather smugly. She began to prepare a blast of energy to kill Zoisite.

As Kunzite followed this exchange, he quickly slipped a hand into a secret pocket of his cape and took out a square shaped piece of metal with an archaic looking form of the Japanese alphabet engraved on the surface. "Do you think you can kill innocent young men in the springtime of their youth, Beryl?" he sneered.

Beryl was so surprised to hear Kunzite say this that she forgot to fire the bolt of energy at Zoisite, but she quickly got the picture that Kunzite was trying to save his lover. "What the hell are you talking about, Kunzite?" she demanded. "I won't tolerate this sort of insubordination!"

Before she could prepare an energy blast to kill off both Zoisite and Kunzite, the silver haired King took his piece of metal and started saying some very odd chants. As he said the chants there was a blinding flash of light and Kunzite disappeared. Or to be more exact, Kunzite had disappeared and Kunzilla had reappeared in his place with the petite figure of Zoisite perched on his shoulder.

Kunzilla (AKA Kunzitis rexasaurus) was a grand sight. He was a huge mechanized dinosaur about 600 feet tall with bright silver scales that dazzled the eye to look at. The dinosaurs eyes were a light platinum color and one could tell by looking into them that this was no dumb reptile. Unlike most carnivorous dinosaurs, which had really wimpy arms, Kunzilla had large flesh tearing arms of death, complete with opposable thumbs even. On Kunzilla's chest there was a triangle with a lightning bold within it. On top on the lightning bolt was the letter K. Oddly enough even as a large mechanized dinosaur, Kunzite sported a long, flowing, white cape.

Kunzilla flashed his large, metallic teeth at Queen Beryl. "And now I will dispose of you for trying to kill my beloved."

But before Kunzilla could kill the twisted queen, Beryl teleported away to her quarters. Kunzite swore, knowing that while he was Kunzilla he could not follow her, so he teleported himself and Zoisite to a large deserted hill in Tokyo, Japan where many important scenes in cheezy monster movies seem to happen. "Boy, am I pissed!" Zoisite said. "No one tries to kill me and gets away with it!"

"You bet!" Kunzilla agreed. "But I fear even as Kunzilla, I cannot beat Beryl. And so thus the time has come..."

"No Kunzite!" Zoisite cried. "Anything but that!"

"Yes, Zoisite. It's time to bring back the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers!"

* * *

Beryl swore as she reached her quarters. "I should have known that a powerful mage such as Kunzite would eventually find one of the Squares of Argedomion. And even more vexing, I should have brainwashed both Kunzite and Zoisite so they wouldn't do something retarded like fall in love! No one in the Dark Kingdom but me is allowed to fall in love! No matter! As long as I have the other Squares of Argedomion, I can still kill both Kunzite and Zoisite."

She looked into an ornately decorated box on top of a drawer. Beryl opened it and two odd looking aliens popped out. They both had green skin and tight outfits in red and blue. One had long pink hair and the other long blue hair. A tiny glowing tree that was thrice the size of the aliens was in the middle of the box. These creatures were Beryl's greatest advisors, even more so than Queen Metallia, who more often than not just bitched at her for failing at her energy collecting jobs. They were known as the Ailannenas. "Tell me Ailannenas," begged Queen Beryl. "How can I defeat Kunzilla?"

The blue haired Ailannena took out a flute and began to play a beautiful melody while the pink haired Ailannena sang (though not very well),

"After many, many eons

'Tis the time to use the Magic Square of Argedomion
With this tailism much power you'll have doth
And this turn into the world's most powerful moth."

"Yes!" Beryl snickered to herself, as she slammed the lid of the box onto the heads of the Ailannenas. "The time is finally here that I may use one of the Squares of Argedomion! And when I get Kunzite's square, I'll have even more power than the Moon Princess and get the ginzuishou! With the three squares of Argedomion and the ginzuishou, no one will be able to stop the mighty Queen Beryl from taking over the universe." She laughed to emphasize her trademark evilness.

Then Beryl went to a chest that had no keyhole. She said a few magic incantations and the chest magically opened. The chest revealed a square similar to the one that Kunzite possessed, except that the symbols were slightly different.

"No doubt the two fled to Earth," she said angrily. "I will find them and hunt them down like animals, then get his Square of Argedomion." To emphasize her trademark villianry once more, Beryl began to laugh maniacally.

* * *

The Sailor Senshi were still wandering around the Dark Kingdom, when they felt tremors. "What was that?" Sailorjupiter asked, who was still lugging around an unconscious Sailormoon.

"I'm getting major Nega vibes," Sailormars said.

"Cut that out!' Sailorvenus yelled. "This is supposed to be the Japanese version!"

"Oh yeah," Sailormars blushed a bit.

"I feel the energy emissions of one of the Squares of Argedomion!" Luna declared.

"The what?!" the Senshi yelled unanimously.

"I always knew the Dark Kingdom was powerful but I didn't think that they possessed any of the Squares of Argedomion. If anyone in this place has one, then we are in grave trouble."

"Why?" asked Sailormercury.

"Well it's simple," Artemis said (if you're impatient, you can just skip to the fightin' part!). "During the Silver Millennium, there were three Squares of Argedomion. These tailisms had the power to turn it's bearers into the most powerful warriors in the universe. Because they were far too much power for three people to behold, they were sealed away in the Crystal Vault of the royal palace. During the attack on the Moon Kingdom by Beryl's forces, they were stolen. It appears Queen Beryl is in possession of one and someone else in the Dark Kingdom has the others."

"But how can we defeat Beryl now that she has one of these squares?" asked Sailormercury.

"I don't know," said Artemis.

It was then that Sailormoon recovered. "Where's Tuxedo Kamen?" she yelled frantically. "You abandoned him! You let him die! You let the Dark Kingdom take him! You..."

At this point Sailormoon's rantings and raving ceased as she had been silenced by the back of Sailormars' hand.

"You hit me!" Sailormoon wailed. "You can't hit me! I'm the Moon Princess!"

"Get a grip!" Luna snarled. "I'd slap you too, but I'm just a cat."

Sailormoon was about to start whining and crying again, but Sailormercury announced that she had found a way out of the Dark Kingdom. An odd looking portal formed in front of them and the Senshi stepped through it. They found themselves standing on a grassy hill with two figures dressed in spandex and motorcycle helmets challenging them to a fight...

* * *

While the Senshi were bickering around in the Dark Kingdom, Kunzilla and Zoisite were reviewing their opinions.

"In order to completely defeat Beryl," Kunzilla said to Zoisite, "we'll have to reform the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers. However, if you haven't noticed, we're short two members."

"Well what're we supposed to do?" whined Zoisite. "Jadeite and Nephrite are both dead. How do we get them back? And frankly I don't want Nephrite back. It took me ages to kill him!"

"Since this is a fanfic, all the writer has to do is write them in at will," Kunzilla said. "And anyway, once they've outlived their purposes I'll let you kill them."

"Ooh, you're so good to me, Kunzy," Zoisite took this moment to wrap his arms around the neck of the giant mechanized reptile.

Magically, simply by the whim of the author, two other men suddenly appeared on the grassy hill with Kunzilla and Zoisite. One was blond and wore a gray uniform with red piping. The other had long brown hair and his uniform had yellow piping. "What's going on?" demanded the blond one, Jadeite. "I thought I was in Eternal Sleep!"

"Not anymore!" Kunzilla said. "The fanfic author has resurrected you so we can form the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers. When Queen Beryl tried to kill my little Zoi-chan, I used my Square of Argedomion to transform into Kunzilla. I saved Zoisite and tried to kill Beryl. However, Beryl teleported away and no doubt plans to use one of the Squares of Argedomion that she has against us. The Sailor Senshi must be killed off, as they will probably try to steal all the Squares from us, 'the bad guys'."

"We're not bad," sniffed Zoisite. "We're just written that way."

"Exactly, and the Senshi wouldn't want 'bad guys' like us to have such power. So therefore you three must transform into the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Fightin' Squad and kill the Senshi. Once the Senshi are dead, we'll combine all our powers to kill Beryl. I as Kunzilla should be able to fight Beryl off until the three of you kill the Senshi. Once Beryl and the Senshi are dead, we'll have the Squares of Argedomion and the ginzuishou and will rule the universe!"

Actually Kunzite planned on killing Jadeite and Nephrite after he got the Squares and the ginzuishou and crowning himself king of the universe while Zoisite would be his queen (?).

Jadeite, Nephrite, and Zoisite sighed for they did not like to wear the tight Spandex uniforms that came with their transformation into the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers. Reluctantly, the three men pulled out three oblong shaped medallions from their uniforms and transformed.

"O.K!" Nephrite yelled. "Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers, Power up!"

"Power up!" the others yelled. Suddenly they changed from their Dark Kingdom uniforms into some very tight Spandex uniforms and cheap motorcycle helmets.

Jadeite's uniform was red, Nephrite's dark gold, and Zoisite's emerald green. For no reason whatsoever the three somersaulted into a larger field while Kunzilla went off to find Queen Beryl.

The agile Zoisite gracefully landed on his feet. Jadeite did not land as gracefully as Zoisite, but he managed to land without getting hurt. Nephrite, on the other hand, landed flat on his face and probably would have cracked his skull had he not worn a helmet. Zoisite laughed his trademark annoying laugh, as he saw his reborn rival sprawled out in pain on the ground.

"You're pathetic, Nephrite! This's what happens when you drink so much 'lemonade'!"

"Hah! At least I didn't sleep my way up, Zoisite!" Nephrite retorted. He had always thought that the only reason Zoisite had been made a King was because of his connections to Kunzite. That remark made Zoisite so angry he could not think straight. Not that he ever did anyway, though.

"How dare you say that, you pathetic drunk!"

"Cross dresser!"

"Hah! Flattery will get you nowhere! You're just jealous that you can't look as good as me in a dress!"

"Why would I want to, fem-boy?"

"Fabio wannabe!"

"Guys, cut it out!" Jadeite said. "Look over there! It's the Senshi!"

True enough, the Sailor Senshi had materialized on the other side of the hill. The three members of the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers immediately somersaulted again over to the Senshi. Once again, Zoisite landed gracefully, Jadeite landed safely, and Nephrite landed on his head. Zoisite and Jadeite began posing wildly while making speeches not that different than the kind the Senshi made.

"Stop right there!"

"Yeah!"

The Senshi turned around to noticed these two odd people dressed in tight spandex and motorcycle helmets (a third one seemed to be lying unconscious on the ground). To tell the truth, they didn't look like people to be feared at all.

Sailormars raised an eyebrow. "And *who* are you supposed to be?"

Nephrite, (who had finally regained consciousness) staggered to his feet and began wildly posing like the others before he said, "We are the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers, the greatest fighting force in the universe!"

"I see." The Senshi began to giggle at the sight of the oddly swathed men in their tight spandex uniforms.

"How dare you laugh!" Nephrite yelled. "We must destroy you! But before we do we must introduce ourselves!"

Nephrite and the others began doing some wild poses as they introduced himself. "Fighting for the right for evil twenty something men to date 14 year old girls, I'm the Nef Ranger!"

"Fighting for the right for men to cross dress in an animated show, I'm Ranger Zoi!"

"And last but not least, fighting for the right to wear lots of poor disguises and have no one recognize you, I'm Ranger Jed!"

To top this performance off, the three said in unison, "We're the Super Mega Nega Rangers! And we're gonna kick your ass!"

The Senshi didn't seem frightened at all. Rather, they clapped when the whole thing was finished. "Bravo!" Sailorvenus said.

The three Rangers got pissed that no one took them seriously so they started a badly choreographed fight scene with the Senshi. The Rangers soon won the upper hand in the fight with their elaborate karate kicks and punches. Soon Sailormoon was the only Senshi left standing.

"But I don't understand!" she said. "You were so busy looking flashy with all of your attacks missed us by a yard at the least!"

"True. But we're winning because Ranger Zoi's in the trees with an AK-47 assault rifle," Ranger Nef said smugly.

Even as Ranger Nef spoke, Sailormoon was mowed down like the other Senshi with Ranger Zoi's AK-47.

After the defeat of the Senshi, the three Rangers heard their communicators beeping. The communicators were neon pink, looked like oversized walkie talkies, and were strapped tightly to their wrists, thus cutting off their circulation. "Yeah, what is it?" Ranger Jed asked.

"I need reinforcements!" Kunzilla said.

"Right!" the other Rangers said in unison as usual. They readied themselves to transform yet again.

* * *

Queen Beryl teleported back into her throne room to look in her crystal. She saw that Kunzilla was near a grassy hill, obviously waiting for her to come and fight him. The twisted queen flashed her vampire-like teeth in an evil grin. "Well if it's a fight he wants, it's a fight he'll get!"

She teleported to the hill where Kunzilla was located. Beryl was floating around and looking very scary. "Well Kunzilla, are you prepared?" she asked the giant dinosaur.

"You bet! I've been wanting to do this for a *long* time!" Kunzilla flashed his shiny, metallic teeth.

As Kunzite had done before, Queen Beryl pulled out another metallic square and mumbled some odd chants. Suddenly she changed from freaky Queen Beryl, to Berylthra, a freaky giant moth.

Berylthra was not as big as Kunzilla, but she certainly came close to it, being 500 feet as opposed to his 600 feet. Her wingspan was around 300 feet while the wings themselves were a bizarre metallic blue in color. Beryl's body was normal (well as normal as possible for her) except for the fact that her once whiter shade of pale skin was now blue. The former Dark Kingdom queen also had these two giant yellow antennae sticking out of her forehead as well as a pair of greenish blue compound eyes. Plus she had really big hair, quite similar to way it was when she was taken over by Metallia in the last episode of the first season (she seemed to be under the impression that big hair meant power, having seen too much American TV, I suppose).

After politely waiting for her to transform, as was the anime code, Kunzilla soundly got down to kicking Berylthra's ass. But since she *was* a giant moth this was somewhat hard, since she kept flying around, dodging his giant fireball attacks. Of course the fanfic writer soon realized that they couldn't fight in this big field where no destruction would take place, so the author quickly transported the two giant monsters into the middle of downtown Tokyo. The citizenry of Tokyo had gradually gotten used to being constantly attacked by giant monsters, ghosts, ogres, and the like, so they calmly evacuated the city with little fuss.

Kunzilla breathed a large fireball onto Berylthra, but she easily evaded it and the fireball hit a bunch of buildings instead. He cursed blasphemously. The fight was not going well for him. Berylthra emitted a loud, high pitched noise similar to the kind the Emergency Broadcast Network makes when they conduct a test (have you ever heard of when these signals are *actually* used?). Kunzilla howled in pain and all the glass in the buildings shattered. Berylthra gave a twisted laugh.

"Are you ready to give up yet, Kunzilla?" she cackled.

"Never!" The giant dinosaur staggered to his feet and gave a dramatic swoop of his cape, which incidentally enough destroyed a dozen buildings.

"You'll never win!" she hissed. Berylthra knew that if she failed there was always Endymion.

Kunzilla then activated a steel metal barb on the end of his tail. He fired the metal barb, which hit the giant moth. Unfortunately, Kunzilla only caught Berylthra in her monstrous (no pun intended) hairdo, which didn't cause any actual physical damage to her. It did, however, piss Berylthra off immensely.

"You dare desecrate the big hair of Berylthra, Kunzilla?! You will pay a hundred fold over!"

Berylthra then proceeded to spin a silken cocoon around the body of Kunzilla. He panicked. Kunzilla knew what would happen if he could not escape from the silken prison. He would be wrapped up, placed in a giant web digested with Berylthra's salivary juices and eaten. Or was that what happened with spiders? In any case, whatever happened to him would not be pleasant. Kunzilla quickly summoned his comrades on his communicator for help, before the silken threads enveloped his head.

"Need back-up!" was all he managed to croak before he blacked out.

* * *

Immediately after the other members of the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers heard Kunzilla's summons, they proceeded to engage in a very cheezy, cheap and overdone transformation scene that had obviously been produced before hand.

"Let's summon our Mega Zorts!" Ranger Nef said.

"Yeah!" the others yelled.

Each of the Rangers prepared to summon their respective Mega Zorts. They did this by wildly posing and gesturing as usual while yelling, kicking, somersaulting, etc.

"Killer Pigeon Mega Zort" Ranger Jed yelled while doing a series of kicks and splits. Suddenly a giant, fat, disgusting mechanized pigeon flew out of the sky. Ranger Jed jumped into the control panel of the ugly machine bird.

"Killer Cockroach Mega Zort!" Ranger Nef yelled. He tried to do the same impressive kicks and splits that Ranger Jed did, but only ended up kicking himself in the head. Once he regained consciousness he manned the controls of the nasty, creeping, mechanized insect.

"Killer Tiger Mega Zort!" Ranger Zoi shouted as he did some really cool somersaults, flips, and jumps. A sleek, beautiful, mechanized tiger raced up to Zoisite, who took control of it.

"I guess we all know who Kunzite favored when he designed the Mega Zorts," Ranger Nef grumbled as he piloted his fat pigeon Mega Zort.

"Not to mention the fanfic author," agreed Ranger Jed.

"Hey I had to get a Zort that fit my personality," Ranger Zoi said innocently.

The others still weren't convinced, but momentarily forgot this as they rushed to help Kunzilla. There was always time to get even with Zoisite later, the two thought.

When they reached the scene where Kunzilla was being attacked, the Zoi Ranger used the claws of his Tiger Mega Zort to cut his large mechanized lover free from his bonds.

As soon as he was free, Kunzilla said, "Thanks for freeing me, Zoi-chan!"

"Anytime, babe!"

The two were about to engage in another one of their sickening love-ins when Ranger Jed yelled to them from his pigeon Mega Zort, "That can wait for later! We have more important things to do!"

"Oh yeah!" Kunzilla said. "Super Mega Neat Kunzilla Ultra Zort Combine!"

"Combine!"

Since it was the anime code to do so, Berylthra calmly watched as Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers engaged in yet *another* overproduced transformation scene. The pigeon, cockroach and tiger Mega Zorts all merged together with Kunzilla to make one really stupid looking robot (and while all this was going on, bad techno funk music was playing in the background).

Try to imagine if you can a giant mechanized dinosaur with the arm of a tiger, a cockroach for a leg, and a pigeon for another arm and you have the barest idea what Super Mega Neat Kunzilla Ultra Zort looked like. Yet, despite his goofy appearance, Kunzilla had received a major power upgrade, for now he could use his ultimate weapon. Plus he had grown an extra 200 feet.

Berylthra laughed derisively. "Even if you're Super Mega Neat Kunzilla or whatever the hell you call yourself now, I'm still more than enough to defeat you!"

She breathed a fireball, which Super Mega Neat Kunzilla Ultra Zort easily dodged. The fireball did, however hit an elementary school. A bunch of really cute, big eyed Japanese kids started fleeing to safety. One particularly audacious boy decided that now was the time for some unnecessary cuteness. "The children, they flee! The village, it burn! The well, it dry!" His whacking huge anime eyes filled up with tears.

The author, who tried to figure out why that had been included, decided to end that *immediately*. Kunzilla took a step backwards, inadvertently crushing the uber-cute child. However, all the other kids made it to safety since *they* were not being obnoxiously cute.

Anyway, back to the story. Super Mega Neat Kunzilla Ultra Zort swirled his cape and looked very cool, despite the fact that he had a pigeon and a tiger for arms and a cockroach for a leg (the legs of the mechanical cockroach were moving about in a spastic manner and the pigeon was being very annoying by squawking loudly). "You've forced us to use it, twisted bitch queen, our secret weapon!"

"Right!" the others cried together, from their respective cockpits.

"Hah! What could possibly be so powerful that it could defeat the mighty Berylthra?"

"You've forced us to use it! We'll not use any mercy!"

Kunzilla touched the giant K on his chest, which activated a tape player. The Rangers donned their earplugs. Suddenly some very loud and irritating music began to play. Berylthra immediately recognized it and her eyes widened in terror.

"No, no...Nooooo! Anything but ...the...the Spice Girls!"

She began to screech in pain as Kunzilla's tape player belted out "I'll tell ya what i want, what i really, really want!". The giant moth woman shuddered in revulsion, as everyone knows there are few things more terrifying than the Spice Girls' music.

"All my dreams shattered in roughly three minutes of mindless British popular music! What a cruel world this is!"

The whole thing was too much for Berylthra and she dropped dead, crushing a bunch of buildings. Kunzilla stopped the torturous music and the other Rangers took out their earplugs as a bunch of rats started eating Berylthra's corpse.

"It's finally over Kunzy-chan!" the Zoi Ranger sighed. "Can I kill Jadeite and Nephrite now?"

Kunzilla closed his eyes. "Not yet. There's still another enemy, more powerful than Berylthra coming up soon." Thunder began to boom ominously in the distance.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the Dark Kingdom Prince Endymion woke up on a slab of black stone. Before Berylthra had croaked, she had sent a telepathic message to her prince. He looked around with a blank look and said, "It is time for Enghidrah to awake!"

The End of Chapter 1 - Goto Chapter 2


What will happen to our heroes? Who is Enghidrah? What of the third Square of Argedomion? Will the Sailor Senshi come back in a lame plot twist? Will Zoisite really become queen of the universe? Find out in the next thrilling chapter of our saga!

Comments and death threats can all be sent to otaku_ace@hotmail.com


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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