The Kunzilla Saga

Chapter 2: Kunzilla vs. Enghidrah!

(Written in Eye-Popping Ace-o-scope)

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

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As Endymion woke up from the cold stone slab in the Dark Kingdom, he felt as if his arms had been cut off. Without his mistress, Queen Beryl, Endymion felt lost and confused. Though he knew nothing of his former past, he knew that he was supposed to serve his Queens without question. The killing of Queen Beryl by the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers was an unpardonable sin.

Fortunately, Endymion had the last of the Squares of Argedomion so getting his revenge should be easy. He pulled out a square from his jacket, which looked like the ones possessed by Kunzite and the now deceased Queen Beryl. "I will have my revenge," he yelled out, as he began his transformation....

* * *

By this time, the members of the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers had detransformed, were wearing ordinary clothes, and walking around a Tokyo mini mall, waiting for the next attack. The citizenry had also returned and were beginning to go about their normal routines.

"Well, there's a lull in the action here, guys." Kunzite said (he was back into his human form). "What should we do?"

"Let's get drunk, fill our pants with bacon, dance the polka, and sing karaoke to the music of DoCo!" Nephrite said.

The others began sweat dropping and they all yelled, "What?"

Nephrite shrank back and said, "Hey, it was just a suggestion guys."

Zoisite began to frown a bit before his face lit up. "I know! Let's go shopping!" Without warning he grabbed Kunzite's arm and began to drag him away. "C'mon Kunzite-sama! You have our Dark Kingdom Express Card (never leave your castle without it)!"

After Zoisite and Kunzite left, Nephrite decided to go kill some time at Booze World, an establishment that served more than 100,000 kinds of booze and Jadeite found himself all alone. "Finally I have time to do what I've always wanted to do! Hit on hot chicks!"

Jadeite used his powers to transform his clothes into a white, polyester jump suit similar to the kind that John Travolta wore in Saturday Night Fever. He also sported some John Lennon style sunglasses and his blond hair was slicked back. "Now I'm looking hot!" he said.

He began to strut and "Stayin' Alive" begin to play on the mall loudspeakers. In his mind, Jadeite began to sing, If ya want my body and ya think I'm sexy, come on sugar let me know...

* * *


Zoisite had dragged Kunzite into a lingerie store. "Look at all the cool stuff!" Zoisite exclaimed. Stars formed in his eyes as he picked up a lacy garment and held it up to himself. "Wow! I'd look pretty in this!"

"Do you have any idea what you're doing?!" Kunzite shouted as he sweat dropped and blushed at the same time.

"We're in a lingerie store. What's your point?"

Kunzite furtively looked around and whispered into Zoisite's ear, "You're a guy!"

"It never bothered you before!"

Kunzite blushed even further and said, "I know that, but people'll think you're a pervert if they find out you're a guy."

"And how would they find out?"

He had a point, Kunzite thought to himself. No one was paying the two men any attention, as the other patrons in the store had mistaken Zoisite for a woman and were minding their own business. Zoisite grabbed about a dozen pieces of lingerie and began to drag Kunzite into a dressing room. "C'mon Kunzy! We'll have our own little fashion show in here!"

Grinning wickedly, Kunzite closed the door behind him (sorry folks, no hentai here).

* * *


A dark, shadowy figure was flying through the skies. Reports said that the creature, whatever it was, had originated from the North Pole and was heading towards an archipelago known as Japan. No truly accurate description of the thing had been drawn up, but it seemed to be a large dragon-like creature with three heads. The reports were dismissed as rumors started by Internet freaks and trekkies, but the people of Japan (who had experience with demons, monsters, possessed teenagers, and the like) were suspicious...

* * *


Nephrite was enjoying himself at Booze World. He had found this establishment much to his liking and had no intention of leaving anytime soon. After having roughly ten glasses of an expensive sort of wine (and I mean roughly, since he sorta lost count after awhile), Nephrite definitely needed to go home and sleep off his drunkenness. Of course, he wasn't at home and was making a big idiot of himself. His shirt was missing, he was soaking wet (he had fallen into one of the beer barrels) and smelled like the sort of scent that you find when you go into public rest rooms. Nephrite was belting out some rather rude songs at the top of his lungs at the karaoke corner.

"There once was a man from Venus,

Who was constantly stroking his..."

Before he could finish the rhyme, he heard a monstrous roar. A giant fire breathing, three headed dragon was destroying the mall, looking for the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers. It broke through one of the walls of Booze World and one of its huge mouths came dangerously close to clamping down on Nephrite. Fortunately for Nephrite, he managed to jump out of the way just as the powerful jaws came crashing down on him. Unfortunately, Nephrite had the bad luck of landing into another beer barrel, which only impaired his already weak judgment. As you know, in most anime, the characters are really stupid and don't know the obvious, so the dragon didn't recognize Nephrite and went off to look for him and the others elsewhere.

Nephrite crawled out of the beer barrel and grumbled, "Aw, crap! I was having so much fun! I guess it's time to go to battle again!"

* * *

Jadeite was still walking around hitting on women and, suprisingly enough, was succeeding. At this point in our story, Jadeite was surrounded by a nice sized group of women and was using incredible lame pickup lines to get more. "You'll probably get arrested baby," he said to an attractive blond woman. "because you've stolen my heart!"

Oddly enough, the woman passionately embraced him and exclaimed, "I love you, Jeddy! Lets go to Reno and get married right away!"

Before Jadeite could answer, the same dragon that had tried to attack Nephrite swooped down and attempted to kill him. He dived into the mall fountain to avoid instant death. "Holy Crap!" he shouted. "What was that?"

* * *


We now turn out attention back to Kunzite and Zoisite, who are uh... "occupied" in the dressing room. Kunzite was sitting down on those little seats that they have in each cubicle and was eagerly watching Zoisite as he tried on lingerie.

"Kunzy," Zoisite began. "What do you think of this see through teddy?"

Kunzite didn't answer, because he was too busy drooling. A large and rather noticeable pool of spit had formed on the ground. Before he could grab Zoisite and rip the skimpy garment off of him, the three headed dragon that had attacked Jadeite and Nephrite broke through the cubicle, poised to attack them.

"Eeek!" Zoisite shrieked, trying to cover himself up. "A voyeur (as if that was the least of their problems)!"

"Hey! Do you mind?" Kunzite shouted.

"Hah!" the dragons heads shouted. "This time we know we've found two members of the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers, because only Kunzite and Zoisite would be so bold as to make out in a lingerie store!"

For some reason, Kunzite and Zoisite finally noticed that they were about to be attacked (anime characters are really slow) by a three headed dragon.

"Oh crap!" Kunzite muttered. Then he took a closer look at the dragon and gasped.

"It's too terrible! I must hide your eyes, Zoisite!" said Kunzite as he put his hands over

"Hey! I wanna see!" Zoisite protested. Once he yanked Kunzite hands off his eyes, Zoisite cried, "It's, it's..." but he couldn't bring himself to say it.

The dragon was the horrible Enghidrah. The three heads were the three faces of Chiba Mamoru (no wonder it was so horrible) with fang-like teeth in the mouths. The first head was ordinary Mamoru. It had a blank, stupid expression on its face. The second head was that of Tuxedo Kamen and had a stupid top hat and mask (though as we all know, it can hardly bee considered a mask since it barely covers his eyes). The last and most horrible head was that of the Moonlight Knight. A dopey turban covered that head, which was good since, at least most of that face was covered. Enghidrah also had a cape like Kunzilla, but it was black and red instead of silver and looked really bad. Stupidly enough, the creature had its Square of Argedomion right in the center of its chest.

"C'mon Zoisite, we gotta split!" Kunzite grabbed Zoisite and they teleported away to the fountain in the middle of the mall. They were safe. Except for the fact that they had forgotten that Zoisite was still clad in only that see-through teddy. This was soon noticed by the mall patrons and the men began to make wolf whistles and say stuff like "Lookin' good baby!". Though Zoisite rather liked the attention, Kunzite scowled and conjured up a t-shirt and jeans to cover up his property.

After that, Kunzite noticed that Jadeite and Nephrite were also at the fountain. "The next monster is here, and it's even worse than Berylthra," he said. "We must stop it!"

"Yeah, it's ruining all my fun! I was gettin' all the chicks!" grumbled Jadeite.

Zoisite hadn't had any speaking lines in awhile, so he said, "Not that I care or anything, but where's Nephrite?" Without him we can't transform."

They didn't have to look far. Nephrite had had way too much to drink and was retching in the fountain, much to the disgust of everyone watching (major sweat dropping here). After the three sober Kings had finished sweat dropping, Kunzite dragged Nephrite away to join the others.

"Oooh! My head hurts!" Nephrite groaned.

"That's your fault!" Zoisite teased. "Get your ass in gear Nephrite!"

As Nephrite staggered to his feet, mumbling curses under his breath, he pulled out his transformation medallion. The others did the same, except that Kunzite pulled out his Square of Argedomion

"Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers, POWER UP!" all but Kunzite cried in unison. After some cheezy transformation scenes, the three Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers, once again flipped for no reason into a grassy field. Kunzite, on the other hand, spoke his strange transformation spells and transformed into Kunzilla (the shoppers in the mall weren't paying any attention to the huge caped mechanized reptile. It's Tokyo, remember?). After Kunzite's transformation, he teleported to his comrades in the field.

"Have you sighted Enghidrah yet?" Kunzilla asked.

"No," said the Jed Ranger. "Since it is actually Chiba Mamoru, it's probably really stupid and'll get lost before it find us."

The Jed Ranger was right. It was about half an hour before Enghidrah realized that the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers had left the mall. Furious, it began flying aimlessly around, causing random destruction to the city of Tokyo. After leveling about half of the city, it finally found the four in the field who were all reading back issues of Animerica, waiting for something to happen.

"Hah! We've finally found you!" Enghidrah shouted (it referred to itself as 'we'). "You couldn't hide from us forever! You'll pay for killing our beloved queen!"

"Fat chance, Cape Lizard!" shouted Ranger Zoi. "Let's summon our Zorts!"

"Yeah!" As the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers prepared their Zorts, Enghidrah and Kunzilla began to fight.

As with the fight with Berylthra, Kunzilla was severely hampered in the fact that Enghidrah could fly and he couldn't. Still, he was positive that he could win. Kunzilla tried to claw Enghidrah with his long talons, but the three headed dragon easily evaded them.

"Hah!" shouted the Moonlight Knight head. "Those who try to defeat the mighty Enghidrah are destined to fail. For I am the Moonlight Knight, the not so courageous soul of the evil Prince Endymion, here to torture you with stupid homilies. "

"Uh, yeah," the Chiba Mamoru head said in an unenthusiastic voice.

"Let's finish off this pathetic weakling!" the Tuxedo Kamen head agreed. Enghidrah had two arms and the hand in each arm suddenly conjured up a two roses, one black and one white. Enghidrah threw the roses at Kunzilla. Kunzilla wasn't able to evade the attack quickly enough and the roses punctured his metallic chest. He howled in pain and grasped his chest."

"The moon is like a mechanized monster," said the Moonlight Knight head. "Occasionally it is round and full, but eventually it wanes and waxes, not to be seen for awhile. You're are going to be phased out permanently, Kunzilla."

Through his pain, Kunzilla managed to shout, "What the hell are you talking about?!"

"I'm not supposed to make sense, I'm the Moonlight Knight!"

"Okay," the Chiba Mamoru head mumbled in a confused voice.

* * *

"Killer Pigeon Mega Zort!" Ranger Jed cried while doing the usual flips and jumps. Suddenly a fat, ugly mechanized pigeon flew up from the horizon. When it came close, Jadeite jumped inside to man the controls.

"Killer Cockroach Mega Zort!" exclaimed Ranger Nef right before he kicked himself in the head. Once he came to, he climbed inside his Zort like the Jed Ranger.

"Killer Tiger Mega Zort!" shouted Ranger Zoi, who then executed some stunts that would make any Olympic gymnast green with envy.

When his sleek Zort ran up to him, Ranger Zoi jumped in and said, "Let's kick some Mamo-ass!"


* * *

When we last left Kunzilla back at the top of the last page, it appeared that Kunzilla was finished. He was gravely wounded by Enghidrah. But of course I'm not about to let Mamoru in any form win out over Kunzite. Just in the nick of time, the other members of the Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers, came rushing to his rescue. The Pigeon Mega Zort, flew up to Enghidrah and crapped on its heads, thus providing a diversion.

"Oh yuck!" cried the Tuxedo Kamen and Moonlight Knight heads.

"Whatever," said the Chiba Mamoru head in a nonchalant voice.

Ranger Nef and his cockroach Zort just sat around wiggling its antennae looking gross (a mechanized cockroach isn't pretty folks), which caused another diversion, adding to Enghidrah's confusion. Since Enghidrah thought highly of things of beauty (or so it said), this was an utter abomination.

"Such a disgusting creature shouldn't be fit to roam the earth with a handsome beast like me!" shuttered the Moonlight Knight head.

Then the offense attacks came. From his Tiger Mega Zort, Ranger Zoi, fired some sakura petals at Enghidrah, thus severely weakening it. Unlike with its rose attack which was debilitating, but not deadly the Zoi Ranger's attack was lethal. The deadly petals scorched Enghidrah's scaly skin like hot napalm and destroyed several buildings as well. With one of it's last cries, Enghidrah cried out, "How? Why?"

"Hah!" shouted Kunzilla, who was back on his feet now (since the others were doing most of the fighting, he had had time to invoke a healing spell for himself). "every true Sailormoon fan knows the Zoisite's sakura petals of death are far more powerful than Mamoru's roses in any incarnation!"

And those were the last words that Enghidrah heard. It had fallen to the ground, dead, as a result of Ranger Zoi's sakura petals. Kunzilla bent over and pulled out the Square of Argedomion that was in its chest and put it in his pocket. Without the Square of Argedomion, the body of Enghidrah turned into just plain ol' Prince Endymion. Just to make sure, Kunzilla crushed Endymion with his massive foot.

* * *


The Super Duper Mega Nega Dark Kingdom Rangers were surveying their work. Granted, the city had been destroyed again, but the citizens of Tokyo were used to their fair town being destroyed, so that didn't matter. "I'd say we saved the day again, boys," Kunzite said as he pulled Zoisite closer to him, while jingling the three Squares of Argedomion that were in his pocket (if you didn't know, Kunzite took Beryl's when she died).

"Wait," Jadeite said. "This ending seems too complacent. Too wrapped up."

"Why should you care?" Kunzite said. "You're alive and there's a happy ending. Nothing wrong with that."

"Yeah I suppose not."

"You can say that again, Jeddy!" Zoisite said, and in typical anime fashion they all began to laugh good-naturedly. What a happy ending. Nobody died (Enghidrah doesn't count) and all the Kings are together.

- The End -

(or is it?)

Hah! That's not the real ending!

After you scrolled past The End, Zoisite conjured an ice crystal and fatally stabbed Nephrite and Jadeite in the back. With those two out of the way, and with all the Squares of Argedomion in their possession, the entire universe fell under a dark spell. Kunzite and Zoisite were able to rule both the universe and the Dark Kingdom since the insane amount of power that the two wielded was more than able to prevent anyone from questioning their rule (if you did you were either thrown to the rabid yaks or you just flat out disappeared). And so Kunzite and Zoisite lived happily ever after, oppressing the weak, wronging rights, and triumphing over justice.

- Fin -

(For real this time)

Author's End Notes

The Kunzilla Saga is finally done! Hurrah! And it only took three months!

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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