Love is Enough of a Compromise for Now

© 1998 by Ace Otaku


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Author's Note:

I wanted to keep these at the end, but I really couldn't keep my comments in that long. This will not be a hentai fic. I have my integrity as a comedic fanfic writer to uphold. However, this will be a parody of hentai fics (good-natured, I hope) to some extent. If you're expecting anything graphic or skanky you'd better stop reading now because you're not going to find it here.

Why did I decide to write this? Well there is a longer story behind this, but it's too long to put in here. If you want to hear it, e-mail me. The shorter rendition of the story behind this is this.

I've been seeing a lot of fics out there where Kunzite, despondent over Zoisite's death, goes out and gets 'horizontal' with the first guy he meets. As a die hard Kunzite-Zoisite fan, I find this utterly repelling, especially since the putzy guy Kunzite ends up with is either Prince Endymion or Motoki (both of whom seem to have rocks for brains).

And so I wrote this (good-natured) parody. As I have said I tried to make this very good-natured, but if anyone wants to flame me they can - but of course you know I'll flame right back, though.

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. You knew that already, though. Please don't sue me. At last count I only had about $15.42 anyway. That's only enough to barely cover the tax on a graphic novel.


Love is Enough of a Compromise for Now

© 1998 by Ace Otaku

Kunzite stared blankly at the eerily colored ceiling as he lay in his large king-sized bed in his chambers. He felt so insignificant and alone in that large bed. Ever since Zoisite's death, the highest ranking King of the Dark Kingdom had been wallowing in a mire of guilt and self-pity.

Of course Kunzite didn't show it openly. He tried to be even icier than usual since in the Dark Kingdom, for these emotions he felt could be easily used against him, by lower ranking youma to gain a promotion in the hierarchy. Kunzite especially didn't want his rival, Prince Endymion to know how he felt.

The silver-haired King blushed in the darkness at the thought of his black-haired rival. He had to admit that Endymion was handsome. *Quite* handsome in fact. His blush intensified. I shouldn't think about that baka like that, Kunzite thought to himself as he rolled over. If it wasn't for him Zoisite might still be alive!

Kunzite considered Endymion to be indirectly responsible for his lover's death. After all, if Beryl had never been in love with that moron, she never would have killed Zoisite.

I suppose for poor Kunzite (I consider anyone even minutely attracted to Endymion 'poor') it was one of those attractions where you're aroused and repulsed at the same time. But what could he do? He was incredibly lonely and all the other human looking officers were dead anyway.

Kunzite might not have minded that, since he didn't give a rat's ass for Jadeite and Nephrite, if his beloved hadn't also been dead as well. He had been quite happy in fact, when it was just him and Zoisite working together to find the ginzuishou.

But he was gone now, and Kunzite was completely alone, except for the youma army and Endymion - and he certainly wasn't lonely enough to strike up a relationship with a youma. Kunzite wasn't even sure that was physically possible and he wasn't about to find out if it was.

He was becoming very confused with all these conflicting emotions in him. Kunzite tried to go to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes he saw images of Endymion. How can I sleep? he thought angrily. Obviously Beryl's little boy toy was using his magic powers to screw with his mind. The next time he saw him he would have to teach him a lesson, Kunzite thought.

Kunzite got out of bed and dressed himself in ordinary street wear. He desperately needed to go for a walk to clear his mind so Kunzite teleported to 'the Park', which as we all know is that infamous place in Tokyo where so many events seem to happen in fan fics.

Our ambiguously hair colored hero sat on the grass and began pondering the great mysteries of life. Is my hair silver, blue, or green? Why was my name changed to Malachite in the English dub? What is this sinister being known only as DIC? If Jadeite is sealed in a crystal in Eternal Sleep could he be awakened somehow? He remained deep in thought until someone disturbed him.

* * *

Motoki, grunted as he left the arcade after a hard day of working in the coal-mine (hard day of work?! Hah! He spent the whole time playing Pac-man!). Things seemed to really be sucking as of late.

He had been replaced as leading man in Sailormoon ever since Mamoru had been kidnapped and brainwashed. His girlfriend had recently written him telling him that she was leaving him for an Italian stunt man named 'Giorgio'. He was beginning to think that his boss was getting wise that he was stealing money from the arcade games.

Motoki sighed and decided to go on a walk to 'the Park'. There was always some 'action' going on there. In fact, he often wondered why the vice squad never came around.

To his extreme disappointment, Motoki found that there was no 'action' going on in 'the Park' now.

But there was one guy sitting under a tree. Wow! Motoki thought. What a hot looking stud! Then he remembered - wait a minute! I'm straight! I think... Ah well! You only live once! Motoki ran over to the guy with the long silver hair (or was it blue? Maybe it was green...?).

"So what's a guy like you doing at this time of night?" Motoki asked Kunzite.

"I just want to get a breath of fresh air and to think," Kunzite answered. How odd, he thought. This guy looks like a blond version of Prince Endymion.

"About what?"

"The meaning of life and stuff. As of late my life is really starting to suck."

"Mine as well," Unable to think of any decent pickup lines, Motoki said, "Since both our lives are rather sucky at the moment, why don't we sleep together?"

"Why not? My life can't get anymore screwed up," Kunzite sighed. "Well, lets go to my place."

"Cool!" Motoki shouted. "Where's your car?"

"Car?" Kunzite seemed confused. "We're going to teleport."

Before Motoki could ask what he meant by that, Kunzite grabbed him and they teleported to Kunzite's creepy castle in the Dark Kingdom.

* * *

"Hey, where am I?" Motoki asked. This was definitely getting weird. Maybe there was something when his mom told him not to talk to strangers. "Who exactly are you?"

"Um, I'm Kunzite, a depressed bisexual alien with really cool magic powers," Kunzite answered.

"You're an alien?" Motoki sighed and pulled his pants down. "Might as well get the anal probe and the sperm samples over with."

"I'm not that kind of alien, stupid."

"What kind of alien are you then?"

"The kind that steal energy from the inhabitants of Earth."

"Oh."

Suddenly there was a flash of energy and Prince Endymion appeared. He couldn't help but grin when he saw the sight in front of him. There was Kunzite, dressed like an ordinary human, and some guy with his pants down talking about anal probes or something.

"I was going to talk business with you Kunzite," Endymion began. "But I see that you are occupied."

Kunzite whirled around in shock. He knew that the scene that he was currently in did not look dignified at all and that his rival would not hesitate in reporting it to Queen Beryl.

"Are you so depressed about the death of your little sex toy that you're picking up random guys off the street?" he leered.

Even though this was the truth, Kunzite was not about to admit it. Actually, he was more angry that Endymion had called Zoisite 'his little sex toy' and he would not have anyone insult Zoisite. "You take that back, bastard!" he screamed as he let out a powerful energy blast towards the prince.

Endymion hit the wall hard, but still managed to stagger up to his feet. This started a giant fight between the two as they ruthlessly blasted each other and insulted each other. Motoki watched all this in fascination (and he still hadn't pulled his pants up). 'Gee, that guy Kunzite's fighting with kinda looks like Mamoru!' he thought.

Finally Motoki spoke up and said, "If we're not going to be doing the Ten Minute Thing, can I go home? It's scary here!"

Endymion and Kunzite stopped fighting momentarily and Kunzite said, "I changed my mind. You're far too stupid, even for a one night stand."

"Oh no," Endymion said. "I want something interesting to report to Queen Beryl. You *will* sleep with him."

"And what if I don't want to?"

"Then I'll blast you into oblivion!"

"I doubt it! I'm much more powerful than you!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!"

"Are not!"

"Are too!" At this point, both Kunzite and Endymion started sticking their tongues out at each other, much like Usagi and Rei do.

"Can I go home?" Motoki whined. He didn't like Kunzite's castle at all. It was much too scary.

"No!" Endymion yelled.

"Yes!" Kunzite yelled.

"As Queen Beryl's official sex toy, I have more authority than you!"

"You're proud of that?"

"Hey, who's the favorite among us?"

"You're sick! And anyway, I was here first, so therefore you are subordinate to me!"

Kunzite and Endymion began to fight again, only this time it was a fist fight. Since both of them were pretty strong, it could have been a very close thing. Unfortunately after awhile, Kunzite was overpowered by Endymion, who sat on his back and was pinning his legs.

"Actually I have a better idea. Let's say you and me get 'horizontal'. I'll just say you raped me and I'll get to keep Blondie here as a toy for me!"

Motoki paled. This didn't sound good at all!

"That's not true! It's the other way around!"

"But I know Beryl'll believe her 'dear Prince Endymion'!"

Any attraction that Kunzite might have had for the twisted prince rapidly disappeared as he realized what we have all known for the longest time; he realized that Prince Endymion was a horny, little SOB.

Kunzite tried to get up, but Endymion was too heavy to allow him to do so. It seemed hopeless for him, when he was saved. He suddenly heard Endymion give a grunt and he fell on top of Kunzite, dead. Even though, Endymion was dead, he was still on top of Kunzite, so he couldn't get up. Suddenly, the dead body was picked up telekinetically and Kunzite got up. As he stood, he saw that the prince had died of an ice crystal in the back. This could be the handiwork of only one person...

Kunzite looked swiftly behind him and saw Zoisite, who was floating around in a corner and grinning broadly. But wait a minute. Wasn't he dead? In any case, Kunzite ran over to Zoisite and pulled him in a tight embrace.

"Zoisite!" Kunzite cried, tears running down his face. "I'm so glad to see you! But weren't you dead?"

"I *was* dead. Actually I still am. I just happened to have a brief vacation from being dead. Two days off. I thought I might spend them with you. However, when I got here it seemed you were occupied."

"Oh Zoisite! You don't know how difficult it is without you having to work with Endy-jerk and all. I was so lonely that I was almost willing to sleep with that guy." Kunzite points to Motoki (who still had his pants down). The said person waves his hand and grins. "It's so hard without you," A tear fell down Kunzite's bronze cheek. Zoisite kissed it away.

"Well, I'll forgive you - this time," Zoisite said. Kunzite inwardly jumped for joy, since he knew Zoisite never forgave *anybody*. "But if this ever happens again you know I'll have to kill you" he clarified.

Kunzite embraced him again. "I've waited so long to hear you say that! Now let's go out now to Earth to that French place you liked when you were alive."

The two transformed into ordinary clothing and teleported to Earth to celebrate both Zoisite's brief vacation from death and Endymion's 'untimely' death.

* * *

Motoki was very confused. He had no idea were he was or how to get home. Just when he was about to pull his pants up, there was a swirl of energy and a strange woman appeared. She had very long red hair, spikes sticking out of her shoulders, exceptionally pale skin, and fangs like a vampire.

'Wow! She's pretty hot!' thought Motoki. Those spikes are a real turn on!

The strange woman noticed Endymion's body, which was being eaten by a gang of rats. "My dear Endymion!" she cried. "What did that Kunzite bastard do to you?"

"Excuse me," Motoki replied. "Can you tell me how to get to Tokyo?"

The woman (who as we all know must be Queen Beryl) stood up from the body and looked carefully at Motoki. 'Hmm', she thought. This guy looks like a blond version of Endymion.

"Ah well," Beryl said aloud. "One's as good as the other." She was sure that with the help of a little black hair dye that this guy would be a perfect replacement for the dearly (?) departed Prince Endymion.

"How would you like to boss people around as much as you like, have really cool magic powers and have sex with me?" Beryl asked Motoki.

"That'd be cool!"

'This is perfect!' Queen Beryl thought. 'I don't even have to brainwash him!'

"What should I do for now though?" Motoki asked.

"I dunno. Why don't we go to my bedroom and discuss it?" Beryl then teleported Motoki back to her bedroom and since I promised that this wasn't going to be a hentai story I'll leave the rest to your twisted imagination.

* * *

Beryl found out that Prince Motoki was far superior to that other guy she used to have around. Actually, because the new prince was so amiable and easy going, he willingly let Kunzite do all the work.

Since Prince Motoki didn't try to ruin Kunzite's plans like Endymion did, Kunzite was very successful in his work. Therefore Kunzite soon got hold of the ginzuishou, thus fueling the power for the reawakening of Queen Metallia.

The Earth Realm was soon overrun by the forces of the Dark Kingdom and the rest of the universe soon fell. Of course this *probably* wouldn't have happened if a certain meatball-headed Sailor Senshi wasn't pining away for a certain Prince who was already dead anyway. So I guess Sailormoon is really to blame for it, isn't she?

- Fin -


Author's Endnotes:

That's the end of that story!

My new e-mail address is otaku_ace@hotmail.com. Of course you can still use my other address too, but this is my personal one. Heck, use which ever one you want. Send comments and stuff to me 'cause I love getting mail!


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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