How Kunzite and Zoisite Found Love in Cap'n Scruffy's Fish n' More All You Can Eat Seafood Buffet
(serving Greater Tokyo and Kyoto)

Part One: The Clam Chowder Knows the Way

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

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Kunzite grumbled as he prepared to meet his queen. The other day, he had found out that he, Kunzite, the first of the Kings was being demoted to the demeaning task of teaching new recruits! The last thing he needed was some little upstart to take his place. And today he had to meet the little creep. Well, no matter he figured. Soon the threat to his position would be gone as Kunzite didn't plan on letting the pest live more than a week. He could always blame his student's death on an 'accident'. Kunzite quickly teleported to Queen Beryl's throne room to meet the creep.

After Kunzite appeared in a flash of blue energy and gave the usual salute, Queen Beryl introduced his new student. "Kunzite, as first among my troops, I want you to teach the newest King, Zoisite. He's a promising young man with some interesting talents and I think... Zoisite, cut that out!!!!!"

Kunzite's attention was diverted when he saw a little person of rather ambiguous gender carving Nephrite Sux! with an ornamental knife on one of the pillars in the throne room. After hearing Queen Beryl's reprimand, the person pouted and made the knife disappear before teleporting in a swirl of cherry blossoms next to Kunzite.

"This is your student Zoisite," Queen Beryl said to Kunzite. "You will begin his training today. Dismissed."

This is a guy??!! Kunzite thought. He glanced at the slight person standing next to him. Zoisite was lovely in an androgynous way; long reddish gold hair went down to his waist. Piercing green eyes peered out of his pale skin, blah, blah, blah; we all know what the guy looks like, no need to waste time with descriptions.

So anyway, Kunzite then grunted out, "Follow me to my office so we can discuss your training."

Zoisite's face noticeably turned bright red, and he nodded absently as he followed Kunzite to his office.

* * *

The two men reappeared in Kunzite's 'office'. Actually it wasn't really an office, it was an old broom closet; buckets, mops, brooms and other cleaning supplies littered the ground. On the door the words "broom closet" were crossed out and "Kunzite's Office" were written over them. The only writing surface available in the room was a low eating table, like the kind you eat off of at a traditional Japanese restaurant. Kunzite casually sipped a glass of sake, as he wrote stuff on a sheet of paper, before saying to Zoisite, who was sitting on a cushion opposite him, "So how old are you Zoisite?"

"19." After giving Kunzite his answer, Zoisite blushed slightly and blatted his eyelashes.

He's kinda cute, Kunzite thought absently, but quickly pushed the idea out of his mind. "What do you specialize in?"

"Magic," his student replied, his blush deepening even more. "Y'know the usuals. Fire, ice crystals - natural stuff. Not to mention my cherry blossoms of death."

Kunzite raised an eyebrow. "Interesting," he replied as he wrote down some things on a yellow legal pad and pondered what to do with his student.

After sitting for about ten minutes, Kunzite got up, stretched his legs and said, "I have decided that training will commence in the Earth Realm. We are going to a place the humans call 'Tokyo' so you can learn to start harvesting energy for our Great Leader."

Zoisite, who had never been to Earth before, immediately perked up. "What's Earth like?" he eagerly said.

"From what I have gathered, the Earth people are extremely weak and susceptible to all kinds of accidents. Harvesting energy from such creatures will be easy. Come." Kunzite created a doorway and ushered his student through. Zoisite's face turned back to its original red color as he stepped through.

* * *

The two materialized in a crowded street in downtown Tokyo where their sudden appearance went unnoticed. "Such a bustling metropolis, don't you think Zoisite?" Kunzite asked his student, who was staring at him for all the wrong reasons.

"Huh? Oh yes, of course!" Zoisite agreed (he didn't know what metropolis meant).

"Given the rate the humans are bustling around, we should be able to collect large amounts of energy without them even knowing something's amiss."

"Kunzite-sama, I'm hungry," Zoisite said.

Kunzite began to sweat drop and became slightly super deformed. "We just got here, can't your stomach wait?"

"I can't work on an empty stomach. Besides, it's lunch time; we can harvest the energy while we eat."

"I have to admit it's a good idea," Kunzite replied (he didn't mention that he was influenced by Zoisite's big green eyes staring right into his). "Choose where you want to go."

"Here!" Zoisite pointed at a place.

Kunzite's face fell. "I was thinking more in line of somewhere more refined, like a traditional Japanese tearoom or a fancy Western eatery."

Zoisite's eyes began to water. "Don't you like my choice?"

Kunzite became super deformed again. "I was thinking something a little more high class than Cap'n Scruffy's Fish n' More All You Can Eat Seafood Buffet."

"But you see how much business it's getting! We won't be able to get this kind of energy in some high class place where you actually have to eat with silverware! Plus I love clam chowder!"

Kunzite sighed. Not wanting to make Zoisite cry and thus draw attention to them, Kunzite finally said, "Okay, you have a point. Let's go."

Zoisite's petite little face lit up. "Oh thank you, Kunzite-sama!"

This time Kunzite's face turned red. "Uh don't mention it."

But Zoisite didn't hear him as he was too busy bouncing down the stairs of the seedy establishment. Kunzite sighed and follow his young student - that is, he tried to except that he banged his head on the door frame. He had missed the sign saying PLEASE WATCH YOUR HEAD. Of course since Zoisite was so much shorter than Kunzite, this hadn't applied to him. After the mishap with the door, Kunzite then tripped on the stairs and fell flat on his face.

"Watch out," one of the chefs commented. "That first step is a doozy."

"Now he tells me," Kunzite grumbled as he got up and walked over to where Zoisite was sitting.

I think I should describe Cap'n Scruffy's Fish n' More All You Can Eat Seafood Buffet as it will be an important factor in this fic. It was literally a little hole in the wall restaurant in Tokyo; in one wall there was a huge hole, so large that Kunzite could step through it comfortably. There was a huge buffet in the middle of the restaurant so the patrons could just get up and get what they wanted. Since this was a cheap establishment, it didn't have lobster or anything fancy; just your average shrimp, clams and fish joint. Water was always leaking on the floor from the bathrooms, steam was always coming in from the kitchen, plus the chairs were bolted down so if patrons began fighting the chairs couldn't be used as weapons. Cap'n Scruffy himself walked around greeting the guests. Of course he wasn't a real captain, he was some Japanese guy dressed up as a stereotypical pirate with a stuffed parrot on his shoulder. All in all it was not the kind of place Kunzite wanted to be affiliated with. He could only hope Nephrite didn't see him here.

When Kunzite sat down to join he student, he found the dingy little table covered with various forms of fish, shrimp, and clams. "How is the clam chowder?" Kunzite asked Zoisite.

Upon being addressed by his mentor, Zoisite blushed again, and it seemed he might start choking. But he regained himself and replied, "It's fine. Very chunky."

"Then I might have some," Kunzite then turned to a chef, who was walking past him. "What kind of fish are you serving today?" he said pointing the square, fried fish in front of him.

"Well, it a square, deep fried, frozen, breaded fish. What do you think?" the cook replied sarcastically.

Kunzite angrily sat down. "Insolent whelp. We'll suck his energy dry. Hurry up with this eating. I want to get out of here as soon as possible."

Getting up again, he made his way to the bathroom where he could set up an energy collection station. The men's room was one of those single stall bathrooms and was covered with graffiti, water, and messages like IF YOU WANT A GOOD TIME, CALL YOKO. The scent of cheap disinfectant wafted through the air. Kunzite was almost overpowered by the fumes, but managed to concentrate on his work. He did that cool 'sign of the Dark Kingdom' thing on the ventilator so all the energy would collect there. Satisfied, he quickly ran out of the bathroom to join his student. "Hey, what were you doin' in there pop?" a guy who was waiting outside the bathroom shouted at Kunzite.

"This place is disgusting!" Kunzite grunted once he joined Zoisite again (his face noticeably lit up when his mentor returned). "I suppose I'll try some of that clam chowder of yours."

"Good! I'll come too!" Zoisite said.

"It only takes one person to get it," Kunzite replied.

Zoisite blushed and said, "Well I could use some too," as he tried to hide his full bowl of chowder from Kunzite.

"Very well."

As the two went up to the buffet table, many of the men in the establishment began to give cat calls and whistles towards Zoisite's direction as he had been mistaken for a female (as usual).

"Oh yeah, Blondie!"

"Looking good baby!"

"Daddy needs some lovin'!"

Kunzite frowned. Unconsciously he found himself putting his arm around Zoisite's shoulders. Since Kunzite was very obviously male, it came across to Zoisite's admirers that they were a straight couple. Since Kunzite looked very threatening, the men focused their attention from Zoisite to their food. Zoisite's face turned a very deep shade a scarlet when he noticed where Kunzite's arm was. Kunzite was shocked when he noticed what he had done, and quickly brought his arm back to where it should be.

"Sorry," he muttered. "My uh, hand slipped."

I hope his hand slips some more, Zoisite thought to himself.

Trying to push the strange incident out of his mind, Kunzite approached the buffet table. Picking up a bowl, he prepared to spoon in some of the clam chowder. Just then, one of the chefs shoved past Kunzite with a pile of dirty dishes in his hands. "Outta the way pops!" he grunted.

The full bowl in Kunzite's hand became precariously close to falling as the cook brushed by him. Fortunately, Zoisite managed to catch it, before it spilled all over the floor. Unfortunately as his hand came down, it swiped down across Kunzite's jacket, causing the button to fall off into the steaming clam chowder. Zoisite looked half in horror, half in secret joy as he saw part of Kunzite's bare chest being exposed.

"My button has fallen into the clam chowder," Kunzite said icily. "What are you going to do about it?"

Zoisite's face turned redder than ever. "Don't worry! I'll find it!"

He took off his white gloves and jacket (yes, he was wearing a t-shirt underneath) and stuff both his hands in the clam chowder pot, which I should mention was really, really hot.

"Yeeeoch!" Zoisite shouted, holding up his burnt hands. But despite burning his hands and a good deal of his arms, Zoisite put his hands back in the clam chowder, thus contaminating it for anyone else. Once he got used to it, the chowder really wasn't that hot, Zoisite discovered. Taking his hands out of the chowder, he squished it between his fingers trying to find the button, the chowder running out of his hands and onto the floor. It felt slightly slimy and disgusting, but there was no sign of Kunzite's button.

"I can't find it!" Zoisite cried unhappily.

Kunzite, who watching the display with a look of disbelief along with everyone else, simply put a hand on Zoisite's shoulder and said, "That's okay. I don't think I would want a button that smelled like clam chowder anyway. I'll get another one later."

He picked up Zoisite's jacket and gloves off the ground (they were covered with water) and said, "Go to the bathroom and wash up. While you're there, collect the energy."

Zoisite, still sniffling, went to the bathroom. When he came back sometime later, he was no longer crying, though his face was an interesting shade of green as a result of the fumes from the bathroom. His hands were no longer covered with clam chowder, though he smelled like clams. In his hands was a swirling ball of energy. He noticed that all the patrons were gone except Kunzite, as they had all been scared off by Zoisite's obsession with the clam chowder.

"At least we got a lot of energy in this dump," Kunzite said as he looked happily at the energy ball. "Come on. Let's go," gesturing towards the hole in the wall. "We'll just exit through here."

The hole in the wall lead to a deserted alley where the two men teleported back to the Dark Kingdom.

* * *

"Kunzite, Zoisite! Report!" Queen Beryl barked in her usual more than bitchy tone of voice.

Kunzite and Zoisite both materialized in front of their liege, Zoisite without jacket or gloves. Queen Beryl raised an eyebrow. "Zoisite, you're violating the dress code. If you want to do all that self expression crap then do it on your own time."

Before Zoisite could say anything, Kunzite stepped forward and said, "Forgive me, my queen. Zoisite had a slight...accident with his uniform while we were harvesting energy. Not wanting to appear seedy while appearing before you, he took off his jacket and gloves until they could be cleaned. Fortunately our energy harvesting was crowned with success." He presented the energy ball to Beryl.

"Excellent!" Beryl screeched as she took possession of the energy. "I am pleased with your progress so far. Proceed tomorrow."

"Yes, Queen Beryl," the two said simultaneously.

"Good! Now get out of my sight! I can't stand to look at you people."

* * *

After their audience with Beryl, Zoisite bashfully came up to Kunzite and said, "Thanks for sticking up for me."

"It was nothing. I had my own reputation to consider," Kunzite replied in a haughty, icy voice.

"Well, thanks just the same," Zoisite replied in a slightly hurt voice. He rummaged in his pants pocket. "Here's a fortune cookie from the restaurant. It came with my clam chowder crackers."

Kunzite raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know they had fortune cookies in back alley seafood joints."

"Well they do in this fic. Here, maybe it'll predict the future." Blushing deeply, Zoisite teleported away.

Kunzite scoffed a bit before putting the cookie in his pocket.

* * *


Kunzite found himself pacing around his castle. He couldn't explain his behavior around Zoisite. Ordinarily he would have just killed a student for ruining his uniform and making a scene, even if he did cause him to get a lot of energy. Though Zoisite had really pissed him off, at the same time deep down he found himself liking the guy. This would completely ruin his rep, Kunzite thought. To get his mind off Zoisite, he opened the fortune cookie he had given him (how would that get his mind off things?). The message in the cookie read:


Kunzite frowned. He wasn't sure whether to pass off the message as foolish superstition or a foreshadowing for the future.

The End of Chapter 1 - Goto Chapter 2

Author's Notes

The next chapter is going to be a lot more funny. I just had to set the framework for the fic up in the first chapter. Hey, you can't hurry art.

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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