How Kunzite and Zoisite Found Love in Cap'n Scruffy's Fish n' More All You Can Eat Seafood Buffet
(serving Greater Tokyo and Kyoto)

Part Two: The Problem with Public Bathrooms

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku


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Zoisite lay in his tiny room, blushing deeply. He was totally pissed at himself for making an idiot of himself in front of Kunzite, on his first day of training no less. He was sure any favorable impression that he may have wished to made was thoroughly ruined. And the odd part was that he hadn't even wanted to make a good impression in the beginning. Like all residents of the Dark Kingdom, Zoisite just wanted to scratch, kill, and bite his way up to the top, not caring who got in the way. But when he was around Kunzite he just acted like a blushing idiot. Had Nephrite been in Kunzite's shoes, he would already be dead. Furthermore he couldn't bring himself to harm, much less kill his sensei.

"Gwaaa!" Zoisite screamed, becoming super deformed, as he began banging his fist as the wall, thus causing parts of it to fall down. "Why won't things make sense???!!!"

As he was taking his frustrations out on the wall, Zoisite failed to notice an uninvited visitor enter his room. "I'm surprised Zoisite," the voice said in sarcastic amusement. "I didn't think you were capable of harming anything, much less an inanimate marble wall."

Zoisite spun around to see his arch enemy Nephrite staring at him. "Shut up, Nephrite, before I kill you!"

Nephrite ignored the threat. "So, what's not making sense, Zoi-chan?"

"None of your business. And don't call me that if you value your life!"

"Sure, Zoi-chan. Whatever you say, Zoi-chan (insert picture of a very ticked off Zoisite)."

"I'll kill you!!!!"

"Of course you will," Nephrite said casually. "So seen any nice dresses lately?"

"Had any nice alcoholic blackouts lately?" Zoisite replied acidly.

Nephrite frowned. "Not funny. Anyway, from what I hear things didn't go to well with your sensei the other day."

Naturally Zoisite's face turned bright red again. "None of your business," he muttered, trying to look away from his arch nemesis.

Catching Zoisite's blush, a slow malicious grin spread across Nephrite's face.

"Zoey's got a crush! Zoey's got a crush! Zoey's got a..."

"Can it, Nephrite!" Zoisite shouted, brandishing an ice crystal.

"Fine," he grumbled. "Should I go tell Kunzite the lucky news?"

"I can assure you that I have no feelings for Kunzite," Zoisite said, quickly.

"Yeah, right. Well, I have to go now. It's Oktoberfest somewhere, and I have to be there!"

"Happy little drunk, aren't you?" Zoisite said.

"Shouldn't you hold your tongue in front of your betters, Zoisite?"

"Sure - just tell me where they are and I'll keep quiet."

Nephrite gave Zoisite a very ugly stare. Zoisite batted his eyelashes and tried to look completely innocent. "I don't have time to fool around with little fem-boys," Nephrite growled as he teleported away to get drunk. Fortunately for Nephrite, he teleported away just as an ice crystal flew straight towards his throat.

"Drunk bastard," Zoisite muttered. "If it wasn't for him my life wouldn't be such a wreck."

It was then that Zoisite received a mental summons from Kunzite. Report to me at once for the next training session!

Zoisite sighed. Maybe today would be better.

* * *

But if Zoisite hoped it would go better, he was sadly mistaken. He was still blushing, same as yesterday and acting like a love struck teenager (which he was to a large degree). It didn't help that Kunzite hadn't replaced his button and part of his chest was exposed.

"So, Zoisite," Kunzite began. "Where should we collect energy today?"

"The same place as yesterday," Zoisite piped up, his face slightly red.

Kunzite sweat dropped. "You're not suggesting that we go to that hole in the wall seafood joint, are you?"

Zoisite gave Kunzite a rather embarrassed look. "Well since we were able to collect so much energy from it, I thought it would be a good place to go." He then gave Kunzite the 'Bambi' look. "You're not mad with me, are you?"

Kunzite became super deformed. "Okay, okay! We're going! just don't do that thing with your eyes again! It's creepy!"

Zoisite's face lit up. Without thinking, Zoisite rather impulsively threw his arms around Kunzite's waist. "Oh, thank you!"

Kunzite's face turned slightly red. "Uh, yeah, yeah. Just... get off me now."

As Zoisite went back to recover what little decorum he had, Kunzite opened a doorway that led to Tokyo.

* * *

The doorway took the pair back into the alley, which was a couple of feet from where the giant hole in the wall of Cap'n Scruffy's Fish n' More All You Can Eat Seafood Buffet was. They stepped through the hole to enter the restaurant. "Now, today I want you to set up the energy collecting station," Kunzite said.

"Me?" Zoisite gulped. "Well, I'll try."

"Don't try. Do."

A new light of determination shown in Zoisite's eyes. "Yes sir!"

"That's the spirit!" Kunzite said happily, slapping Zoisite on the ass in the same way football players do (thus causing him to blush again). "Now go make me proud while I sample some of these delectable crab cakes."

After Zoisite managed to reorient himself, he decided to head for the men's room which was where Kunzite had put the energy collection station the other day. He frowned when he noticed how much water and other unsavory looking fluids were on the ground of the restaurant. It would certainly ruin his boots. Even though he hated the dull gray Dark Kingdom uniforms, he still prided himself very much on his appearance.

Eventually, after shoving through burly patrons and rude chefs, Zoisite finally made it to the mens room. When he opened the door, he found that the bathroom was already occupied. "Hey, Blondie!" the man (who was reading a newspaper as he sat on the toilet), obviously irritated shouted. "I don't care if the ladies' room is full, stay out!"

Zoisite blushed. "Sorry," he mumbled as he shut the door. He wiped his brow. Obviously he had been mistaken for a woman yet again. He had to get his assignment finished quickly and he had no idea how long that man would be in there. There was only one other solution. He assumed that he was feminine enough to pass for female since he was always being mistaken for one. If he put the energy collecting station in the ladies' room there wouldn't be much of a difference. Zoisite sighed, took a deep breath and opened the door of the women's bathroom.

* * *

The women's bathroom was similar to the men's bathroom in the sense that it was filthy and covered with obscene messages (so much for the theory that women have more sanity than men). The only way that it was different was that there were two stalls instead of one and it had the customary tampon machine. Naturally both stalls were occupied, so Zoisite had to wait his turn. He blushed deeply. Since Zoisite was gay, he was generally indifferent to women, but his nervousness was causing him to blush on this occasion. He could only pray to a god of any denomination that he would not be noticed. A woman in front of him, who was around his age, noticed his blush and whispered to him, "Are you nervous, honey? Is something wrong?"

Zoisite quickly nodded his head. He didn't dare talk for fear his tenor voice would be recognized as that of a man.

"Oh I understand," the woman replied in a sympathetic voice.

"You do?" Zoisite said in a low whisper, his face paling as he realized his secret was known.

"Let me guess; It's 'that time of the month' right?"

"Huh?" Zoisite answered in a perplexed whisper. Having almost no contact with women, Zoisite didn't understand all the cute little euphemisms for female problems. "I...I guess so."

"You don't have any change to get tampons or anything and that's why you're blushing?"

"I suppose," Zoisite obviously had no idea what the woman was talking about.

"Here, I always have one in my purse. Let me help you." She began tugging on Zoisite's trousers.

Zoisite's face paled again. "N..no. That's not necessary, but thank you anyway."

"Nonsense. We're all women here aren't we?"

"Please stop! I'm fine really!"

* * *

I'm afraid I'll have to cut short this lovely moment of 'female' camaraderie, to see what Kunzite's been doing this whole time. Kunzite was quietly eating a large pile of crab cakes, when he heard a loud screech coming from the rest rooms.

"AAAHHH!!!! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?????!!!!!!"

"EEEKKK!!!! PERVERT IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!!"

"PERVERT!!!!!!"

"SOMEBODY CALL THE POLICE!!!!!!"

"PEEPING TOM!!!!!"

"THERE'S A MAN IN THE LADIES ROOM!!!!!"

"PERVERT!!!!!"

Kunzite ignored these yells, as he knew Zoisite had no interest in women what so ever and could certainly not be the man the women where all screeching about. However, he quickly changed his mind when he saw Zoisite stagger out of the women's bathroom, bruised and beaten, his pants and underwear around his ankles and four women running after him trying to attack him.

"Kunzaito-sama!" Zoisite cried, diving into Kunzite's arms to escape the mob of women.

Kunzite didn't quit know how to react. All of the eyes in the sleazy eatery were focused on him and Zoisite. He absently stroked Zoisite's back, which calmed the young man down. "What do you women want?" Kunzite asked in a tired voice.

"That pervert snuck into the ladies room!"

"He should be arrested!"

Kunzite looked bewildered at his student. He had heard Zoisite wasn't interested in women...

"I'm sure he has an explanation. You do have one, don't you Zoisite?"

Zoisite got up and sat down in a chair to explain.

"Gaah!! Cross your legs!!!!" a woman shouted, turning away.

Zoisite looked down and blushed when he remembered he wasn't wearing any pants or underwear. Embarrassed, he crossed his legs. Zoisite knew he couldn't tell everyone that he was in the women's bathroom to collect energy, so he told them something else, while not the whole truth, it was also not a total lie.

"I was going to the men's room to uhh... do some business, but it was full. I had to urgently use the bathroom for my business and the women's room was my only alternative."

"Exactly," Kunzite agreed (he was secretly proud of his student's ability to make up convenient stories on demand). "I'm sure there's been a time when you ladies used the men's room right (all four women blushed when Kunzite said that)? My companion certainly meant no harm."

Grudgingly, Zoisite's assailants left him alone. The other customers, after seeing the melee die down, went back to their eating.

Before Zoisite could say anything, Kunzite icily replied, "Pull your clothes back on,"

Zoisite blushed. "Oh yeah," and pulled his pants and underwear back on.

"So what really happened in there?"

"Exactly what I said. The men's room was occupied, so I tried to set up the energy collecting station in the women's room. I thought it would be quicker."

Kunzite sighed. "Zoisite, don't you have any patience?"

"No."

Kunzite sweat dropped. "Do you have any common sense?"

"No. That's why you're training me - to have common sense and patience."

Kunzite's sweat drop got bigger. He just stared at the student who started at him so innocently. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Zoisite, who until the incident in the bathroom had had an indifferent attitude towards women, piped up, "I hate females! If it wasn't for them, our plan would be crowned with success."

Kunzite just sighed. "Well it's too late to formulate a new plan. I guess we'll just have to report back to the Queen and say our plan failed."

Zoisite redden. "I'll tell her what happened."

"No, no. You'll just say something impulsive and mess everything up. I'll do the talking."

The two walked out to the alley and teleported back to the Dark Kingdom.

* * *

"Kunzite, Zoisite!!!" Queen Beryl screeched. "Report!!!"

The two materialized in front of their liege, Zoisite hiding slightly behind Kunzite's cape.

"My Queen," Kunzite began. "Unfortunately, there was a slight accident while we were collecting energy and we have none to present to you Most Gracious, Kind, not to mention Forgiving Majesty."

"You two dare appear before me in failure?" Beryl shouted, letting loose some energy emissions which fried some of the youma in the throne room.

"But I assure you it was only a minor fluke," Kunzite added. "Having analyzed the problem (the problem being Zoisite went into the women's bathroom), I can assure you it will never happen again (Zoisite will now never willingly go anywhere where there are females)."

Beryl tapped the edge of her throne as she thought. "Very well," she growled (there was no point in throwing them both out when they could still be used again). "But if it happens again, I will put both of you in Eternal Sleep!!! Is that clear???"

"Yes Queen Beryl," both men said simultaneously.

"Good. Now get out of here - the Mr. Venezuela Pageant is on the Spanish Channel and I'm saying Si all the way!"

The two, unwilling to be witnesses to Queen Beryl's sex fantasies quickly fled the building.

* * *

"I hope you've learn something today," Kunzite said sternly to his pupil when they were alone again.

"Ummm... I don't like women?"

"Aside from that,"

"Don't go into the women's bathroom unless you're a woman?"

"Yes. And what else?"

Zoisite sighed. "Be more patient and have common sense?"

Kunzite smiled. "Exactly. I want you to think about that tonight and formulate a better plan for tomorrow." He teleported away.

Zoisite stared dreamy eyed at the place where Kunzite had been a second before. Then he became super deformed. "Waaaahhhh!!!! I made an idiot of myself again!!!!!!" It seemed there would be no way for him to gain Kunzite's respect on the track he was on.

* * *

Kunzite was pacing around his castle, which was rather odd, considering how he simply floated around and seldom felt the need to move his legs of all things. He wasn't sure why he kept sticking up for that troublesome guy Zoisite. It was his second day of training and Kunzite hadn't tried to kill Zoisite at all. Any other student he would have killed yesterday. There was something about Zoisite, that made him want to protect him, from Beryl, from those angry women, from the clam chowder... It could be because he looked so weak and delicate. Or it could be something more. Kunzite frowned and took out the message the fortune cookie had given him the other night. He wasn't sure he liked the way his hopefully 'platonic' relationship with Zoisite was turning out.

The End of Chapter 2 - Goto Chapter 3


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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