The Miseducation of Serpentine

Chapter One: Nephrite's New Student

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

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Author's Notes:

This fic series will be about Kunzite, Zoisite, and their kid. And don't worry, Zoisite will not be female or a hermaphrodite or anything weird; he's all man here. Serpentine is the first fanfic charactor I've created. I'll try not to make him suck too badly. As usual, this story doesn't take place during any particular time period of the show. Also, if you expect any big eyed cute kid hijinks, be warned. You'll be disappointed.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters (except Serpentine, since I don't think Naoko Takeuchi would but crazy enough to create a kid like that). They belong to Toei animation, Naoko Takeuchi, Dic (Die!! Die! Die censorship thugs!!!!), and a bunch of other people whose names I don't know. But hey, you knew that didn't you? So let the insanity begin! Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!! Cough, cough. I'm okay now.

The Miseducation of Serpentine

Chapter One: Nephrite's New Student

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

Queen Beryl smugly surveyed her troops. Her gaze fixed upon two of her Kings, Kunzite and Zoisite. They had thought they could hide their relationship from her, but they were wrong. Obviously they had underestimated her spies. Ordinarily, Queen Beryl would have blasted anyone without a thought who harbored the cursed emotion called love, since it challenged her hold on her subjects, but she had something special in mind for Kunzite and Zoisite.

Zoisite was standing slightly behind Kunzite, in a vain attempt to hide himself from Beryl's piercing eyes. Finally, Beryl stood and stared straight at Kunzite and Zoisite. "You two have fallen in love. You know I do not allow that. Only I can fall in love, dammit!"

Kunzite looked fearlessly at his Queen, while Zoisite still cowered slightly behind his lover. Beryl watched all this with amusement.

"No need to fear, Zoisite," Beryl said, obviously enjoying the power trip. "I'm not going to kill you. Not yet anyway. No need to kill you before you've outlived your use."

Zoisite poked his head out. "That's very kind of you, my Queen,"

"Do you know why I'm not going to kill you two?"

Kunzite and Zoisite shook their heads in unison.

Queen Beryl gave a ragged sigh. "Well, y'know the bulk of my troops are left over from the Silver Millennium and to tell you the truth, they're rather accident prone." She projected some holographic images to illustrate her point. "Pyrite was caught in that nasty golf cart accident. Then Alexandrite went on that vacation to the Bermuda triangle and never came back. Calcite stupidly went skydiving and someone replaced his parachute with dirty sheets (here Zoisite tried to look suspiciously innocent...). And Azurite had the worst fate of all. He...he... deserted and became a lobbyist for the Christian Coalition." Here Beryl wiped away a fake tear before resuming her speech.

"So as you can see, the number of our capable officers is rapidly diminishing. We need a way to replace them. That's where you two come in." Beryl smiled evilly. "Have either of you ever thought about having a baby?"

"Zoisite has on occasion," Kunzite said. "But for important biological reasons I keep telling him it's not possible."

"Oh, but it is possible," cackled Queen Beryl. "Remember, we're citizens from the Dark Kingdom, so we don't follow the rules, which include the Laws of Nature. Recently I figured out a way for you two to reproduce, gender be damned. Large amounts of your energy will be extracted from your bodies. This life energy contains DNA. It will combined in a birth shell. Once combined and weaved in the right formations, a humanoid creature such as yourselves will eventually be born. The birth shell acts as a womb of sorts and protects the child until he's strong enough to survive outside. Rather than kill you two, you will instead be the parents of our new recruit and indoctrinate him in the ways of the Dark Kingdom. Combined with both your powers, he will be my strongest officer, even more powerful than you two." The smile Beryl gave her Kings was so evil, even Kunzite became noticeably unhinged.

"Now come," she ordered. "This is going to start now. I want the building of my ultimate warrior to begin immediately."

Suddenly, Kunzite and Zoisite were grabbed by two immense youma who escorted them to the brainwashing chamber. Next to the brainwashing machine was a different contraption, which Kunzite and Zoisite assumed was the birth shell. The two were brusquely strapped into the two shells where their energy would be extracted. Attached to these two shells were numerous tubes which throbbed ominously as the valuable life energy passed through them. The main shell glowed eerily as the energy collected in it, swirling and churning as it formed something new.

Queen Beryl herself was there to oversee her new plan. She smiled in satisfaction. Soon there would be a new officer, better than all the losers she had to deal will, who would lead the Dark Kingdom to victory. And since she would be starting from a clean slate, this one would be loyal to her and only her.

After Kunzite and Zoisite's energy was harvested for about ten minutes, Queen Beryl turned off the machine.

"There. That will do." She gestured to the youma who freed Kunzite and Zoisite from the shells. Kunzite was very weak, though able to stand, but Zoisite had lost consciousness. Kunzite tenderly picked up Zoisite.

"You're dismissed," Beryl quickly said before Kunzite started any lavish displays of emotion. Kunzite weakly nodded his head to acknowledge Beryl before teleporting himself and Zoisite away.

Beryl stared a bit at the spot where Kunzite and Zoisite had just been before refocusing her attention on the birth shell, where the swirling energy was fast taking a human form. "Finally," Beryl said to herself. "A warrior who won't disappoint me."

* * *

Sometime much, much later...

First there was darkness. Then the child became aware of consciousness. He found himself struggling in a warm fluid, unable to breathe, until a foreign hand tore open the birth shell and all the fluid drained out. Curious as to what had happened, the child curiously stepped out of the empty birth shell, taking in his first breaths of air. As he stepped onto the cold marble floor, the child became aware of a tall regal woman with red hair standing before him. Though he couldn't remember a thing, he had the vague idea that she was his ruler, his mistress. It was then that he became aware that he was naked and wet.

"Oh, yuck," he cried and conjured up a towel to dry himself off. Queen Beryl was amazed. Less than a minute after being released from the birth shell the boy could already conjured things up. The boy looked to be roughly around five or six and had Zoisite's same androgynous features. He had long shoulder length hair like Kunzite's, only it had the slightly wavy texture of Zoisite's. His complexion was far paler that that of even Zoisite's, which made his large piercing green eyes stand out as the most prominent feature on his face.

"Come, you must be tired," Beryl replied, forcing herself to be nice for a change as she took the boy's hand.

"A little," he agreed as he casually made the towel disappear (he had also apparently inherited Kunzite and Zoisite's blasé attitude towards nudity).

Unwilling to walk around the Dark Kingdom with a naked child, Beryl conjured up a uniform for him. It was made of the same coarse gray material as the other uniforms, only it consisted of a loose gray shirt that went down to his knees (with no belt), gray pants, and boots. She gave him a hair ribbon to keep his unruly mane in order.

"From now on, your name is Serpentine," she told him.

"Is it?" he replied. "That's cool."

"You are to be trained to be a warrior in the Dark Kingdom. One day, you will lead us into victory over Earth!"

"All I ever wanted in life," Serpentine replied sarcastically. Fortunately for him, Beryl didn't catch this.

"Your training will begin in two days. I'll arrange to have you a mentor by then. Dismissed."

"Yes, Queen Beryl," Serpentine answered before teleporting away. Even though he had only been released a couple minutes ago, he already subconsciously knew that his home was with Kunzite and Zoisite.

* * *

When he reached Kunzite and Zoisite's castle, he was greeted by Kunzite and Zoisite themselves, with big, goofy smiles on their faces. Above them, a banner read WELCUM HOM SURPINTEEN (Zoisite was a rather indifferent speller)!

"Welcome home, son!" Kunzite shouted heartily.

"This is the happiest day in my life!" Zoisite sobbed.

"You can just call me Dad 1 and Zoisite Dad 2!" Kunzite replied.

Before Serpentine could say anything, he was plopped in front of a table with a huge cake in front of it. Kunzite and Zoisite more or less began force feeding Serpentine a cake Zoisite had made. They contined doing this for about a minute until they two realized that something was wrong with their kid. "What's wrong son?" Kunzite asked worriedly.

"This cake is burnt on the outside and raw on the inside!"

"I know," Zoisite said. "I did that so it would balance out."

"Your cooking's not very good, Dad 2," Serpentine remarked.

"Hey, I'm getting better... really," Zoisite said, slightly hurt.

After the 'wonderful' welcoming cake, the two Kings had a long fathers-son talk, telling him the important things he should know. Of course this talk mostly consisted of Zoisite telling Serpentine what a bastard Nephrite was, indicating how the other King was a debauched incompetent drunk. Serpentine absorbed it all with fascination. This touching moment was ruined when the debauched drunk in question showed up.

"How interesting," Nephrite remarked. "You two aren't in the sack for a change."

Kunzite frowned and Zoisite gave an ugly sneer. Serpentine just looked at Nephrite in fascination.

"Is this the debauched drunk you were talking about, Dads?"

"Exactly," Zoisite said. "This is exactly how you shouldn't turn out."

"What do you mean by that, Zoi-chan???!!!!" Nephrite shouted, becoming super deformed.

"I don't want my kid to turn out like you, a pathetic, pedophilic drunk."

"I am not a pedophile! Love knows no age limit."

"The first step to getting help is admitting you have a problem," Serpentine piped up. "Y'know denile ain't just a river in Egypt."

"Shut up, kid."

"Don't talk to my son like that!" Kunzite screamed, hitting Nephrite with an energy blast. Then the three men started getting into a gigantic battle insulting each other over every petty occurance that had happened in their lives. Serpentine just looked in fascination and wished there were spectators so he could charge for this. But not wanting to be left out of the fun, Serpentine tried to hit Nephrite with one of his own energy blasts, which consisted of tiny, ice spikes. The attack hit Nephrite in the ass.

"Ouch!!!!" he screamed, becoming super deformed again. "You little brat!!" he lunged over to try to strangle the child, but Serpentine just teleported away in a flash of snow flakes.

"You're going to have to move faster than that to catch me, you drunk, old, SOB."

"Who's an SOB???!!!"

This 'touching' family moment was interupted when Beryl summoned all four of them to her throne room.

"That is so like Beryl," gripped Zoisite as he teleported away. "Completly ruining our family time!"

* * *

Nephrite mentally grumbled when Queen Beryl told him the story of where Serpentine had come from; as far as he was concerned Kunzite and Zoisite were the last people who needed to be procreating.

"Nephrite, you're probably wondering why I called you here too," Queen Berly finally said.

"Yes, my Queen."

"I have a great honor for you."

"Thank you my Queen." Nephrite didn't waste giving his rivals a smug glance.

"Since Kunzite is already training Zoisite, he won't have time to train Serpentine, too. Therefore as the second highest ranking king after Kunzite, I am assigning you to train him to be a Dark Kingdom Warrior."

"What?" Nephrite became super deformed as he looked in horror at Serpentine (who was trying to look cute and innocent). It was his worst nightmare; training the spawn of his two worst enermies. "You want me to train that???!!!"

Serpentine peeked out from Kunzite cape where he had been hiding and said voice full of sarcasm, "Oh goodie! Nef-sama can teach me how to be an incompetent debauched drunk, too! I'm so excited!"

"I am expecting you to train him to be my greatest warrior."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Nephrite fainted from shock. The nightmare was too much for him to bear.

* * *

When Nephrite came to, he saw a very annoyed Queen Beryl looking at him, but Kunzite, Zoisite and Serpentine were gone. "It must have been a dream!" he breathed. "There is no Serpentine."

"Oh, there is a Serpentine, Nephrite. And I'm holding you personally repsonsible for him if anything happens to him. If he dies, you die as well. And Nephrite, this is not a dream!!!!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" All was black again...

The End of Chapter 1 - Goto Chapter 2

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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