The Miseducation of Serpentine

Chapter Two: A Touching Story about a Quasi-Immortal Boy and his Dog/Cat Creature

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

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Hello! My name is Serpentine! I look like I'm around six or seven years old. I may look like a cute, big eyed, kid, but I'm training to be a Dark Kingdom King to resurrect our Great Leader, Queen Metallia. Please support me by sending large amounts of money to:

Kunzite's Castle

666 Demon Hill
Dark Kingdom

Thank you!

Bishounen Shi Tennou Serpentine

(The Beautiful King Serpentine)


The Miseducation of Serpentine

Chapter Two: A Touching Story about a Quasi-Immortal Boy and his Dog/Cat Creature


A Thinly Veiled Lassie Parody

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

Serpentine couldn't get to sleep. No, no Kunzite and Zoisite weren't having some sort of all night orgy (I know how you people think). He kept hearing a scratching sound against the window of his little room. It was very unsettling. He knew that there were many in the Dark Kingdom who wanted to kill him and his parents so his fears were not unfounded. Though he knew the castle was well warded, this still didn't help ease his fear. The fact that it was thundering and lightening outside didn't help either. Great, thought Serpentine. It's like being in some kind of Z-movie. All I need is a guy with a hook and a hockey mask to show up.

Scratch! Scratch! Scratch! Serpentine shivered. It sounded like the claws of some horrible beast were trying to get him. Determined to kill the offending creature, Serpentine got out of bed, dressed and teleported outside.

* * *

Once outside, Serpentine was soaked clean through by the heavy rain. The black clouds hid the moon and stars from him, so the only light he got was the occasional clap of lightening. Squinting his eyes up at the steep walls of the castle, Serpentine saw some sort of creature had climbed the walls and was stuck. Undeterred, Serpentine floated up to his window to take a look. He saw a small youma, about a foot and a half tall was hiding in his windowpane from the rain and had apparently been scratching at the window to let itself in. Despite the fact that the small youma might attack him, Serpentine was intrigued by it, since he was fascinated by wildlife. He took the cowering youma in his arms and teleported back to his room.

* * *

Upon giving the little youma a bath and a good brushing off, Serpentine examined it thoroughly. It was a non-human youma, of the sort Serpentine knew Zoisite detested. It had two heads, one of a dog, one of a cat. The fur of the cat head was bluish green and the fur of the dog was black; the eyes of each were a devilish shade of red. The body was a mixture of bluish green and black fur and claw like appendixes were used for arms and legs. A ratty green tail completed the youma's appearance. Despite the creature's horrifying appearance, to an evil Dark King in training it looked to be absolutely adorable.

"Kawaiiii!!!!" Serpentine said in a baby voice, with stars in his eyes, picking up the youma in his arms again. "Aren't you the cutest thing ever? Yes, you are! Yes, you are!!!!" When he hugged the youma close to his chest, the youma screeched, scratched up Serpentine's arms, face, and scurried up a shelf containing some rock specimens.

"I'll have to ask Dad 1 and Dad 2 if I can keep it," Serpentine said as he tossed some raw meat of a questionable source up to the youma. The youma viscously tore up the meat and ate it. While the youma ate, Serpentine went back to bed.

After it was done, the youma hopped down from the shelf and settled on top of Serpentine's blanket where he was lying like a dog or a cat might. The two fell asleep until morning.

* * *

The next day...

Zoisite yawned sleepily as he looked lovingly at Kunzite. Kunzite had really been an animal the other night in bed, he thought to himself. Casually sipping his coffee, Zoisite wondered if anything interesting would happen that day. He was about to find out.

Serpentine happily bounced down the stairs of the castle, the little youma close on his heels. "Hi, Dads!" he said cheerfully as he skillfully grabbed a piece of toast as it popped out of the toaster.

"Good morn... Aaagggghh!!!!" Zoisite cried when he noticed the disgusting little youma trying to gnaw on the table legs; he hated non-human youma more than anything (except Nephrite of course). Terrified, the little man jumped on Kunzite's head, which Kunzite's knees began to buckle as a result of the weight. Serpentine just looked in fascination.

"Get that thing away from meeee!!!!" Zoisite screamed, grabbing Kunzite's head and squeezing it like a grape, causing Kunzite's head to turning bright blue.

"What's wrong?" Serpentine asked in his most innocent voice (Kunzite could not be sure if Serpentine really meant it or if it was all an act. After all he was Zoisite's kid...)

"I hate non-human youma!!!!!" Zoisite screamed, causing Kunzite to go temporality deaf among his other afflictions. "They're disgusting, where'd you get that thing????"

"He was scratching outside my window last night and he looked so wet and cute that I just had to take him in. I'm going to name him Gwar (of no relation to the puppet head band of the same name)." At this point the said creature quit gnawing on the table and walked over to Kunzite and Zoisite. Interested (probably as something to eat), Gwar began to sniff at the two. Zoisite screamed again and fainted, causing Kunzite (who was also unconscious at this point) to fall down with this shift in weight.

After Zoisite finally came to, he said in the most stern, paternal voice he could muster, "We are not having that creature here!"

"Oh please! I'll take care of it! I'll walk it! I'll feed it!"


"Oh, let him keep it, Zoisite," Kunzite, who had finally come to, grumbled. "And think, we might be able to use it for our own purposes. Wouldn't it be funny if Nephrite were to have an unfortunate accident at the hands of Gwar here?" To help Zoisite see things more his way, Kunzite began biting his neck.

"Hmm. That would be nice..." Zoisite muttered. The thought of killing Nephrite always aroused him. "Well, okay!"

"Sweet!" Serpentine shouted. He and Gwar teleported away in a flash of snowflakes. As he did so, he wondered when his parents had time to do their work when they were always making out.

After Serpentine left, Kunzite stopped making out with Zoisite and he said, "Are you ready for your training session, Zoisite?"

"Yeah, Kunzite, but what was it that I agreed too again?" Zoisite could never recall what was going on when he with Kunzite.

Kunzite sweat dropped. "Um, nothing, Zoi-chan. Let's just go to the Earth Realm and gather some energy.

* * *


Serpentine and Gwar were wandering throughout the creepy depths of the Dark Kingdom, exploring. He hadn't started his apprenticeship under Nephrite yet, because Nephrite needed time to get completely wasted first so he could be the most effective teacher as possible. While he was exploring, Serpentine began to think about his dads and about the Dark Kingdom in general. Although he loved them to death, he wondered about them sometimes.

How can two people be so horny? Serpentine wondered. Is it genetic perhaps? Why does Dad 2 look like a girl? Why doesn't Dad 1 wear his uniform like everyone else? Why does Dad 1 have such big manly hands and Dad 2 have such tiny feminine hands? Why is it that people assume Nephrite is a drunk when he was seen with a glass of brandy in one episode? Why am I named after a rock? Why couldn't I be named something like "Jim"? As you can see, Serpentine is very deep thinker. Or not. Meanwhile, Gwar was amusing himself by mutilating youma-cattle that was grazing all around. Suddenly, Serpentine noticed a deep dark cave. Hearing how Queen Beryl had supposedly hidden all kinds of treasure in the Dark Kingdom, he and Gwar went inside the cave.

Dad 2's a sucker for jewelry, Serpentine thought as he entered the cave. A nice diamond necklace will make up for me spilling creamed corn all over his new dress.

However, when Serpentine took his first steps inside the cave, he failed to notice a large rock, which caused him to fall and hit his head on a stalagmite, causing him to go unconscious; he hadn't seen the sign that read, PLEASE WATCH FIRST STEP.

Gwar, however was an observative little youma though and he immediately ran away to alert Kunzite and Zoisite about the danger. Though Gwar was meaner than a pit bull and tough as nails, he recognized that Serpentine had given him a home. After all, if he didn't have a home, where could he get all that free food?

After running for about 10 minutes, Gwar remembered that he was a youma and could teleport back to the castle (youma aren't the brightest thing on the food chain if ya know what I mean).

* * *

Back at the castle, Kunzite and Zoisite had failed to go to the Earth Realm. Somehow they had gotten distracted (not that that was very hard to do) and were making out on the couch in their TV room. Suddenly they were interrupted by Gwar bursting in and growling. As soon as Zoisite saw the youma, he screamed and shouted, "What the hell is that?"

"Be quiet, Zoisite, he's trying to tell us something!"

Gwar continued growling.

"What's that boy?"


"You're saying Serpentine went to an abandoned cave?"


"And he was looking for treasure to make up for spilling creamed corn on Zoisite's new dress?"

" What???!!!" Zoisite shouted, becoming super deformed. This was news to him.


"And he hit his head and is unconscious and clinging to life?"


"Well come on boy, let's save him!"

Kunzite and Gwar quickly teleported away to save Serpentine. Before Zoisite teleported away, he frowned and said, "Why is the writer thinking up reasons to make us stupid so the dumb youma can outsmart us?"

* * *

Kunzite teleported to the cave and looked around. Since he could see in the dark, the lack of light was not a problem. Near the entrance he saw Serpentine, lying prone on the ground. Kunzite used his powers to telekinetically pick up his son and used a healing spell to make the ghastly cut on his head disappear. Slowly Serpentine began to regain consciousness. Kunzite gave one of his rare smiles as he teleported both of them away.

Just as Kunzite, Serpentine, and Gwar teleported away, Zoisite teleported back in the cave. He looked around for a few seconds before realizing that he missed everything. "Damn! This always happens!" before teleporting back to the castle.

* * *

After everyone finally met up together, the little family reflected on the day's events.

"I guess Gwar can stay," Zoisite said finally. "As long as he kills whomever I want and stays in your part of the castle."

"I think we all learned a lesson today," Kunzite said in a solemn voice.

"Really? What?" Serpentine said.

"I dunno, it just sounded like the kind of thing a father would say at this time,"

Then for no reason, in typical anime fashion, Kunzite and Zoisite began breaking out in peals of uncontrollable laughter. Serpentine just rolled his eyes and muttered, "I wonder if I was adopted sometimes..."

* * *

In the next couple of weeks, years actually, there were a number of suspicious deaths in the Dark Kingdom. The victims all had deep claw marks on their bodies. Nephrite himself was a survivor of one of these attacks. To this day, no one knows who or what was behind the attacks, though it has been rumored Kunzite and Zoisite knew something...

The End of Chapter 2 - Goto Chapter 3

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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