The Miseducation of Serpentine

Chapter Three: Family Night at Chuck E. Cheese! or A Tribute to "Family Values"

© 1999 by the Great Ace Otaku

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Hello! My name is Serpentine! I look like I'm around six or seven years old. I may look like a cute, big eyed, kid, but I'm training to be a Dark Kingdom King to resurrect our Great Leader, Queen Metallia. Please support me by sending large amounts of money to:

Kunzite's Castle

666 Demon Hill
Dark Kingdom

Thank you!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters except for Serpentine. They actually belong to a swell gal by the name of Naoko Takeuchi and if she knew I was using them, she'd probably sue me to hell and back...

Bishounen Shi Tennou Serpentine

(The Beautiful King Serpentine)


The Miseducation of Serpentine

Chapter Three: Family Night at Chuck E. Cheese! or A Tribute to "Family Values"

© 1999 by the Great Ace Otaku

It was the end of an average day in the Dark Kingdom; murders, tortures, back stabbings, y'know just the usuals. Kunzite and Zoisite were glad finally to be finished with their duties and were relaxing in each others arms. However, Zoisite wasn't his usual horny self; he had a pensive expression on his pretty face as Kunzite showered him with kisses.

"Kunzite," Zoisite said slowly. "I'm afraid we're not spending enough time as a family."

"Mmhmm," Kunzite muttered, as he licked Zoisite's face.

"No, I'm serious!" Zoisite pouted. "I've been reading in these parenting magazines that I got in the Earth Realm that if families don't spend enough time together, it could be detrimental to a child's growth! Serpentine could grow up to be something horrible, like a doctor or a lawyer!"

Kunzite stopped. "I guess you're right,"

"I know I am," Zoisite replied. "I mean, we're both modern, 90's kinda guys with careers and Serpentine's busy with school, or whatever the hell Nephrite does with him. We need a time when we can all be together. For the child's sake! Does anyone ever think of the children?!"

At this point, the said child in question came home. Zoisite and Kunzite were interrupted by an angry knock on the door. Kunzite got up and opened the door. He saw with some amusement that it was Nephrite and Serpentine. Nephrite looked like he had been dragged through a World War I trench. His uniform was ripped up, torn and scorched. He was missing a boot and the one boot he did have was riddled with holes. Nephrite's face was covered with soot and his hair appeared to be coming out at the roots. Serpentine on the other hand looked fine and was standing there with his usual reserve.

"Ah, I see you two had a good training session today," Kunzite noted with a slight smile on his face.

"I hate you," Nephrite muttered. "Here's your dumb brat. Good bye!" And with that Nephrite angrily teleported away to his mansion to drown his sorrows in booze and women.

Kunzite and Serpentine went back into the house, where it could be seen that Zoisite had already planned out their evening for them. "It's already been decided!" Zoisite shouted excitedly. "We're going to the Earth Realm to this establishment known as Chuck E. Cheese. It's supposed to be a good place for families to come together and eat high fat foods!"

"And what better way for families to come together than to eat high fat foods?" Kunzite said to no one in particular as he dramatically flourished his cape. "Come! We will go to this Chuck E. Cheese Establishment!"

And so thus, our little nuclear family (nuclear in the sense that they might explode in any minute), teleported to Chuck E. Cheese.

* * *

Our threesome probably should have chosen to go another day, because this was the time when everyone had decided to come. Then there was the fact that all three of them were still wearing their Dark Kingdom uniforms, but since there were already freaky looking people walking around in animal suits nobody gave them so much as a second glance.

At this point, I feel I must stop our story to give a short description of the amazing phenomenon known as Chuck E. Cheese. This establishment is a place where you can play video games, and carnival style games, the kind where you get tickets to exchange for prizes (but you need about 80 tickets just to get a Matchbox car), and eat pizza that's scalding hot. The real attractions though are the giant room filled with plastic balls and the freaky looking people in animal suits who go around singing songs to all the little children (which no doubt has caused many a child to be scarred for life). Needless to say, this place is always a hit with the kiddies.

"Oooh!" Zoisite squealed. "Games! I love games. Kunzite! Give me money to play!"

"I want some money too!" Serpentine shouted, as he tugged on Kunzite's cape.

Kunzite sighed, and gave the two some of the local currency that they could turn into tokens. "Thanks!" the two shouted as they went off to play Ski Ball.

Kunzite sighed again and sat down in one of the establishment's really small chairs. At last he finally had time to think. He looked over at Zoisite and Serpentine who were currently cheating at Ski Ball, by telekinetically lifting the balls into the slots worth the most points. Kunzite shook his head. Sometimes he thought that he was the only responsible adult in the house, what with Zoisite acting more like an immature older brother than a father. Well, no matter he thought. As head of the house, he made everything go smoothly. And Serpentine did take a lot after him, he thought happily, since he had his quiet reserve and dignity, always a plus if one wanted to be an imposing villain. He sat back in his seat and tried to ignore the raucous screaming of the out of control kids around him.

* * *

"C'mon, Serpentine! Let's go in the ball pit!" Zoisite shouted excitedly as he dragged the boy to the next game. Zoisite seemed to be having more fun than Serpentine, who appeared to being dragged to whatever Zoisite wanted to do. Zoisite tossed their shoes in the shoe hold and they dived into the pit filled with brightly colored plastic balls.

"Yes, this is okay. I like it." Serpentine said (it was the first thing he had said all night) as he did the backstroke in the ball pit.

Nobody paid much attention to Serpentine, but Zoisite attracted many stares from both the kids and parents. "Are you a girl or a boy?" an annoyingly inquisitive little boy asked Zoisite.

"I am a man, you little punk!" Zoisite said in an insulted voice. "Now get away before I kill you!" The kid ran away, scared.

"Brat," Zoisite muttered. "Nobody has respect for anybody, anymore. It's a shame."

"You should be ashamed of yourself!" a conservative looking woman with no upper lip said. "You must be at least twice as old as the other children here!"

"I'll do whatever the hell I want!" Zoisite shouted. "Here I am, just an average working stiff trying to balance work and family and spend some time with my kid, and this is how I'm treated!"

"Well, I never in my whole life!" the woman said, and ran away with her own child, a disgustingly well dressed little girl.

"People are so rude in the Earth Realm!" Zoisite grumbled, as he made his way through the brightly colored balls to where Serpentine was playing. "They really need Metallia to get them in line!"

"Excuse me young man!" a man in a large mouse costume who was supposed to be Chuck E. Cheese told Zoisite. "I think your a little old to play here!"

"Old? I'm only 19!"

"You must be aged 4-7 to play in the ball pit, young man!"

"Aren't we all seven at heart?" Zoisite asked.

"I'm tired of everybody picking on my dad!" Serpentine shouted, his little body surrounded by an aura of power. "Now feel my wrath!" He attacked the guy in the suit with a blast of snow and ice. It was so powerful, that the guy was blasted through a wall, leaving a huge hole in the wall.

"These Earth people are so vulgar," Serpentine muttered, as he ignored the cries of all the frightened kids who saw the crumpled body of Chuck E. Cheese bleeding all over the floor. "Let's go play some more games, Dad 2."

* * *


Kunzite had been trying to read a newspaper for the past 30 minutes or so with mixed success when Zoisite and Serpentine came barging through with the prizes that they had won cheating on all the games. "Look Kunzite! Isn't it cute?" Zoisite grinned, as he showed his lover a stuffed doll of the now deceased Chuck E. Cheese (who's prone body was still lying on the floor).

Kunzite raised an eyebrow. "Isn't it in bad taste to buy a stuffed animal of a guy you just killed?"

"Oh, but that was just some moron in a suit! This is a cute, little, stuffed animal!"

Kunzite sighed as Zoisite made the stuffed animal dance about. "What did you win, son?" he said looking at Serpentine.

"An air rifle!" Serpentine said, with a rare grin on his face. "It cost 2000 tickets, but since we cheated, we got the tickets in no time."

Kunzite's face took on a patriarchal look. "Now, son. You know how I feel about guns..."

Serpentine sighed. "I know. Guns are for weak humans with no magical powers and are beneath superior beings such as ourselves."

"Exactly. Now you go right back and get something else."

As Serpentine returned the gun, Kunzite turned to Zoisite and said, "That's how you handle children," Kunzite sweat dropped when he realized Zoisite wasn't listening to him, but was still playing with the stuffed animal.

"He's so cute! Yes, he is! Yes, he is!!!!"

Kunzite's sweat drop increased. "I hope no one from the Dark Kingdom sees us here..."

"Hey, Kunzite! Let's order some pizza!" Zoisite said, after he finished with his stuffed animal.

"Okay," Kunzite flagged down a costumed employee of indeterminable animal species. "Hey, you... thing or whatever you are. We'd like a large pizza with everything on it."

The employee nodded and went to get a pizza. As he left, Serpentine came back with a new prize, a VCR, though he didn't look to happy about it. "Oh good, we could use a new VCR," Kunzite said approvingly.

"It'll probably break down in, like, a week," Zoisite muttered.

"So what?" Kunzite replied, as he lounged back in his way too small chair.

A few minutes latter, a bunch of oddly swarthed employees burst out wearing strange animal costumes (at least that was what they were supposed to be), singing an off key version of "Happy Birthday", and carrying their pizza. They were under the impression that it was Serpentine's birthday, since most kids went there for birthday parties.

"What is this?" Kunzite angrily demanded.

"It's my birthday!" Serpentine said.

"No it's not!"

"Hey, they don't have to know it!"

"Happy Birthday, little boy!" an animal who was supposed to be a bear said. "Blow out your birthday pizza!"

Serpentine blew out the candles and everybody clapped.

"I'm so happy!" Zoisite sobbed. "You're a whole year older!"

"IT'S NOT HIS BIRTHDAY!!!!!" Kunzite shouted.

"So what?" Zoisite said. "Don't be such wet blanket!"

Kunzite sighed and just figured "If you can't beat it, join them" and started clapping like the rest of them. Serpentine took a big bite of the pizza. He immediately spit it out wit ha pained look on his face. "This pizza's scalding hot! And it has no sauce!"

"What kind of cheap establishment is this?" Kunzite demanded. "Not fixing our pizza right?"

"First, we're harassed at the ball pit, then I can't get any decent prizes, and now my pizza has caused me third degree burns on the roof of my mouth! I feel used. I feel abused. I'm feel that Chuck E. Cheese is not a fun place after all."

"Hey, you're that kid who killed Chuck E. Cheese!" A giant badger costumed employee said (amazingly the corpse of Chuck E. Cheese still hadn't been removed).

"You killed our leader!"

"You killed the master!"

"Let's get him!"

"Not likely!" Zoisite shouted as he began attacking with his cherry blossom attack and fireballs. "ZOI!"

"We'll die before we're defeated by giant puppet head Earthlings!" Kunzite said as he attacked the workers who were trying to kill them.

"I can finally be avenged!" said Serpentine as he attacked the snooty woman who had insulted them earlier.

Eventually, all the attacks that the three gave on the establishment naturally caused it to catch on fire. Before they could get caught in the melee, the little family quickly teleported home, leaving their enemies to fry. "See you in hell, you freaks!" Serpentine shouted before he left. "And tell them Serpentine sent you!"

* * *

Back in the Dark Kingdom...

"I'd have to say that was a pretty good evening," Serpentine. "We got to play games, cheat, play in the ball pit, win prizes, and kill people all less that an hour!"

"And I got this cute, widdle, stuffed animal!" Zoisite said in a baby voice, making his stuffed Chuck E. Cheese dance. Kunzite rolled his eyes. He had thought Zoisite had forgotten that stupid doll.

"I'm so proud of you Serpentine!" Zoisite said. "The way you killed all the Earthlings made me proud to be one of your fathers!"

"Well, I learned from the best," the boy said modestly.

"I especially liked that whole, I'll see you in hell thing," Zoisite replied. "And since the Dark Kingdom is hell, we'll get to torture all them forever!"

"Really?" Serpentine's eyes lit up. "I love torture!"

"We can do it as a family!" Kunzite said. "Isn't it great when a family can find an activity that everyone can do together?"

"Let's do it right now!" Zoisite said. "They should have arrived in hell by now."

"I get to arm to Iron Maiden!" Serpentine shouted as they all went to the torture chamber.

"The Chinese Water Torture for me!" Zoisite said. "What about you Kunzite?"

"I think I'll just stick to the Rack, thank you," Kunzite replied in his usual cool manner.

"Chuck E. Cheese really did bring us closer together," Zoisite said. "So I guess it was worth it."

That's right. Remember boys and girls, the family that tortures together stays together. Or something like that.

The End of Chapter 3

Author's End Notes: Well, wasn't that a touching family story? I know I was going for the tissue box all throughout this tale!

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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