Dark Kingdom STUDS!

Hosted and Written by Ace Otaku

(Filmed before a live studio audience)

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Author's Notes:

If you haven't noticed already, I like to give lots of author's notes in my fics. I got the inspiration for this fic when I was watching that classic program The Jerry Springer Show, I think the topic was "I'm Having a Bisexual Affair". Or was it "I Hate Your Sexy Job"? Anyway, I got the idea to make up a fic that's a cross between that show and Studs.

Studs, as we all know was a more explicit version of the Dating Game (if that's possible) where love is rarely in bloom and we all the vicarious thrill of watching two vicious singles attack each other. Plus since Studs was on the Fox "When Animals Attack" Network it was about as explicit as American Network TV could get.

So I figured, "Why not make a cross between The Jerry Springer Show and Studs with the characters from Sailormoon as victims/guests?" Great idea, huh? So without further ado, I present to you the world's greatest game show...

Dark Kingdom STUDS!

Hosted and Written by Ace Otaku
(Filmed before a live studio audience)

Dark Kingdom STUDS!

Hosted and Written by Ace Otaku

(Audience claps wildly as host, Ace Otaku enters the studio)

Ace: Welcome to our show! We all knows the rules. We set up two eligible (and viscous) singles on a date. Whichever member of our destructive duo the audience likes best wins this brand new hot tub useful possibly for more dates (wink, wink). Today we have Hino Rei in our studio as our lucky victim err...single.

(Audience claps again as Rei enters the studio and sits in a chair)

Ace: Isn't that swell! Anyway, here are Rei's vital statistics:

Name: Hino, Rei

Birthday: April 17
Zodiac Sign: Aries
Element: Fire
Turn Ons: Guys who do anything she says, whether they want to or not.

Ace: So, Rei, what kind of guy do you hope to meet on our show?

Rei: Well, even though I've helped save the world about six consecutive times, I can't seem to land a guy. I guess you could say I'm at the end of the barrel.

Ace: As they say in America, when you've been rejected by the rest, you gotta take what you can get!

Rei: I don't want my date too geeky though.

Ace: Don't worry. You'll be pleasantly surprised who we've managed to scrape up. Let's introduce our four bachelors!

(Audience cheers and whoops as the sillettuetes of four guys appear)

Ace: Bachelor #1 is a blonde. He likes moonlight walks on the beach, cooking, intimate dinners and disguising himself.

Bachelor #2 has long brown hair. He likes wine, brandy, beer, champagne, gin, vodka and sports cars.
Bachelor #3 sports long copperish colored hair. He likes cross dressing, fooling around with ice crystals, and in general destroying all who get in his way.
And last, but certainly not least, we have our silver haired Bachelor #4, a guy who likes flapping his cape, looking cool, brushing his hair and doing really cool magic stuff.
Well, we'll let our studio audience decide which lucky guy Rei gets to go out with. Will it be Bachelor #1 (The first guy gets a little applause)? Number 2 (a little more than 1 but not much)? How about 4 (moderate applause)? Three (the audience goes wild and begins whooping and hollering like maniacs)?

Rei (acts shocked): What?! I have to go out with the psychotic cross dressing guy?

Ace: Hey, the John Q. Publix has answered! What can I say? But lets see who you aren't going out with! Bachelor numero uno was... Jadeite (in place of the first silhouette Jadeite appears)! Bachelor deux is... Nephrite (in place of the second silhouette, Nephrite appears) Bachelor four is... Kunzite (in place of the fourth silhouette, Kunzite appears)! And finally your misery...er dream date for the night... Zoisite!

(Zoisite walks into the studio wearing a rather skimpy blue dress and sits down in a chair next to Rei who is looking very shocked)

Rei: I have to go out with that?!

Zoisite: Hey, Otaku! You told me this was the *Gay* STUDS? I want some hot, beefy guys, not some stupid Sailor Brat!

Ace: Well I think you should know I only did that to get you on the show. And as for you Rei, don't be worried, he won't try anything. It's obvious he doesn't really take to girls.

Rei: But I want a guy who'll try something! Why am I being set up with him?! This date'll be hell!

Ace: Hell for *you*. Hilarious for everyone who's watching.

(Jadeite and the other rejected Kings stomp in)

Jadeite: All right! Why wasn't I picked? I'm the best candidate for this date, everyone knows that I dated Rei during the Silver Millennium!

Ace: This story is based on the anime, Jadeite.

Jadeite (pouting): I don't care! I'm the only guy in the first season without a chick and I don't know why!

Rei: You're sexist.

Jadeite: That's not true! That's just some Internet rumor that got started. I'm the most normal guy in the bunch. I'm not gay or taken, I'm sensitive and smart and everything!

Ace: That's true. But then there wouldn't be any comedy in the story.

Jadeite: It's not fair! Even Nephrite has a chick. If I wasn't in Eternal Sleep, she would have gone out with me.

Nephrite: No way. Naru's *mine*.

Jadeite: Why would she want to go out with a Fabio wannabe when she can go out with an original?

Nephrite (huge sweat drop appears on head): That's not true! I just like to have really long hair.

Jadeite: Oh? Then what's this (he whips out a card with Nephrite's picture and name on it that says 'Official Member of the Fabio Wannabe Club')

Nephrite (sweat drop gets bigger and he tries to snatch the card away from Jadeite) Don't bring in my personal belongings!

(As Jadeite and Nephrite throw chairs at each other and kick each other's asses, Zoisite runs over to Kunzite)

Zoisite: Oh Kunzy-sama, do I have to go out with her?

Kunzite: We wanted to get that hot tub didn't we? If you make a good act of this, we'll win it!

Zoisite: The lengths I'll go to get a hot tub.

Kunzite (turns to Ace and looks very scary): And by the way, Otaku, when this show is in reruns we *do* get residuals don't we?

Ace (huge sweat drop forms and Ace looks nervous): Sure, Kunzite!

Rei: I'll go out with Zoisite, but only if he puts on a pair of pants and only because I want to win the hot tub

Zoisite (sulks): I don't want to put on pants. I feel much freer when I wear dresses.

Ace: You two can figure that out later when you go on you date later. Right now it's time for the commercial break and after that we get to hear about your (heh, heh) date.

Jadeite (screams): To any girls out there, please go out with me. Just because I'm a Dark Kingdom King doesn't mean I don't need love. Bad boys need love too!

(As camera fades out everyone gets huge sweat drops)

* * *

Commercial Break

Is a pesky planet, star, or comet getting in your way of viewing your favorite celestial body? Then call Sailor Saturn: Planet Destroyer. With just one whip of Saturn's nifty Silence Glaive those annoying things will be permanently gone. Only $99.99 to destroy your astral body of choice. Mention this commercial and get a 2 for 1 deal. Now these are prices you just can't match anywhere. Just dial 1-800-999-GONE today and be rid of your problem planets forever.

* * *

(Camera fades back into studio)

Ace: Welcome back, dear viewers! Well, Rei and Zoisite are back from their (heh, heh) date. So how was it, guys?

(Rei and Zoisite are both looking really angry. Rei is barefoot. Zoisite's usually beautiful face is cut up and he has two black eyes, a bloody nose and a fat lip)

Rei: Well, Ace, I don't need to tell you it was a disaster.

Zoisite: Don't you believe her, Ace! She's lying!

Ace: What's your version of the date, Rei?

Rei: It's like this, Ace. I, being the responsible girl that I am, was ready for our date on time (audience cheers). But Zoisite was an hour late (audience boos). And then when he did get there he was dressed like a total slut.

For reasons that totally elude me, he decided to wear a bustier, four inch heels, garter belts and sported a whip as well (audience cheers and whoops wildly). I was so embarrassed. My grandpa even hit on him (audience is ecstatic) - till I told him he was a guy. Then he went into cardiac arrest. I only hope my poor grandpa will survive.

(Rei pauses for a second to wipe a tear from her eye)

Rei: I said I would only go out with him if he put on a decent pair of pants. So Zoisite conjured up a suit for himself - but only because he wanted to end the date and hopefully get the hot tub. After we finally left my place we went for dinner.

Of course Zoisite, being the cheapskate he is, took me to some cheap pizza joint in the mall and we stood up the whole time (audience boos again). Plus Zoisite made me pay for the dinner, if you can call that cheap meal a real dinner (women in the audience start booing).
Then we went - on crowded public transportation, the guy doesn't even have car - to a movie at the Dollar Theater. It was cheap (it is the dollar theater after all), crowded, and my shoes got stuck to the floor and I had to leave them there.
The movie was completely unromantic seeing as how he chose was When Cars Explode: The Movie. Some guy sitting behind us was smoking a cigar and his ashes caught my hair on fire. The usher had to put me out and Zoisite didn't even bother to get up.
In fact, throughout the entire date he was checking out other guys and didn't care at all about me (audience goes "Awww" as Rei wipes an imaginary tear away).
Right after the movie was over, Zoisite ditched me, in the middle of the city were anything could have happened to me (audience boos Zoisite again)! He didn't even give me a good-bye kiss - not that I would ever want to kiss a rude, up himself, fem-boy like that anyway (audience goes "Yeah!")

Zoisite: Okay! That's enough! I refuse to hear your lies anymore! That's not what happened at all. What *really* happened was this. I went to Rei's house at the appointed time. I was actually 30 minutes early not an hour late as Ms. Hino alleges. And I was *not* dressed in slutty lingerie as some people have also alleged. Actually I was dressed in a finely tailored Armani suit (women in audience cheer as they imagine Zoey in a fine suit).

Rei (sarcastically): Gee, I didn't even know you owned a pair of pants.

Zoisite: Shut up! Anyway, as I was saying I arrived at Rei's house early with a dozen long stemmed roses and a box of chocolate covered cherries as well. But when I got there she was making out with some other guy, that Yuuchiro moron or someone!

Here I was ready to take her out on a night on the town and she was with another guy (Poor Zoey pauses as he wipes a tear away from his eye and everyone goes "Awww!")! She eventually took notice of me and went to go get ready: which took another hour.
When she was finally done, I took her a nice Italian place for dinner, which I paid for myself (he gives Rei a murderous glance. She returns by sticking out her tongue)! Rei was exceptionally rude at dinner; she put her feet on the table, belched openly, swore like a sailor, got into a fist fight with the manager and got into a food fight with the other diners (audience cheers as they picture this)! After Rei got me kicked out of the restaurant, we went to a nice movie, Titanic.

Ace: I must interrupt your story by saying that I am opposed to Titanic! Damn, damn, damn opposed! Okay, continue.

Zoisite (picks up where he left off): So I took her to this nice movie and all. But when we got to the theater, she left, me to go off with the guy who did the popcorn machine in the bathroom (Zoey wipes away another tear and everyone goes "Awww" again).

When I finally found her, she pretended not to know who I was. She even tried to get me arrested for stalking her! I'll admit I didn't have a car. I don't need a car! I can teleport! We just teleported where ever we needed to go. The beautiful, elegant, Zoisite would never subject himself to the rigors of public transportation. By teleporting, I wanted to reduce the strain of walking for her.
You see, even though I 'prefer the company of men' so to speak, I still tried to give her a good time (everybody cheers for Zoisite and boos for Rei.

Rei: That's a total lie!

(Noticing that Zoisite is done, Ace looks up from a Mixxzine)

Ace: Oh dear. It appears each contestant has a different version of the date. I wonder which one is true?

Jadeite (runs into the studio): I know!

Ace: How would you know?

Jadeite: I followed them the whole way, hoping I could convince Rei what a good date I'd be.

Rei: Right now you only sound obsessed.

Jadeite: I also video taped the whole thing.

(camera cuts to Jadeite's tape. The tapes shows Zoisite, dressed in a dirty white T-shirt and blue jeans with some dead flowers that he got from a graveyard, at Rei's doorstep. He knocks on the door and Rei's grandpa comes to the door.

Even though Zoisite looks real grubby, Rei's grandpa thinks he is a woman anyway and hits on him. Zoisite simply blasts him with his cherry blossom attack and walks in the door. Rei is sitting on the couch watching a Chia Pet grow.

Zoisite balks at Rei to get ready. She sulks, then gets up and goes out to meet him. He gives her the dead flowers and she promptly puts them in the compost pile. Zoisite reluctantly takes Rei's hand and they teleport to a park where they watch the grass grow and feed the pigeons bread crumbs. The two see a hot dog vendor and buy some hot dogs. Zoisite gets one while Rei gets five and shoves them in her mouth at the same time.

Zoisite 'accidentally' drops sauerkraut and relish on Rei's dress. She gets very angry and decks Zoisite. Since Zoisite is rather small and delicate he cannot defend himself and Rei mercilessly starts beating him up.

A large crowd soon forms and they start taunting Zoisite for getting beat up by a girl. He gets fed up and blasts Rei with his cherry blossom attack and leaves her unconscious in the park. Zoisite also takes Rei's shoes with him so she will have to walk home barefoot. Tape ends)

Ace: Well, gee that was rather, um interesting (the audience is laughing because Zoisite was beat up by a girl).

Zoisite (starts to form a fireball to throw at the audience) Shut up! I'm a victim of domestic abuse! When Kunzite gets here he'll punish you!

(As if on cue Kunzite appears)

Kunzite: What happened Zoey? Your face is all cut up! Who did this to you?

Zoisite: That Sailor bitch I had to go out with scarred my beautiful face! And she told lies about me as well!

Kunzite: You hurt my beautiful Zoi-chan?! I'm gonna kill you!

Rei: I'd like to see you try!

Ace: Ordinarily, I'd like a good fight scene, but the audience has to vote on who gets the hot tub.

(Everyone forgets about fighting and eagerly waits to find out who wins)

Ace: Okay! Should Rei get the prize (mediocre applause)? Zoisite (a little more applause than Rei but not much)? Me (audience goes wild)? What a surprise! It appears I won the hot tub!

Everyone: What?!

Ace: I'm the host and fanfic writer. I'm awarding myself the hot tub. It'll go nicely in my backyard.

Zoisite (conjures up a ragged ice crystal): I had to go through hell and the stupid host gets the prize?

Ace: You can't kill me Zoisite. I'm the fanfic writer. I'm certainly not going to kill myself off in my own story. And I have an idea so everyone will be happy. Kunzite, you can go home to your castle in the Dark Kingdom and conjure up a hot tub for yourselves and get 'horizontal' afterwards.

Kunzite: Why didn't I think of that before?

Ace: Because that's ironic humor. And while you're at it you might want to do something about Zoey's face before hand.

Kunzite and Zoisite: Okay (they both teleport home)!

Ace: And why don't you and Jadeite go out?

Rei: He's obsessed.

Ace: I think you should take what you can get.

Rei (sighs): I guess you're right.

Ace: I know I'm right.

Rei: Well, okay. I love you, Jadeite!

Jadeite (has stars in his eyes): Finally! A girlfriend! (the two begin to passionately kiss and the audience cheers)

Ace: That was fun wasn't it? We're out of time, but be sure to tune in next week, when we set up Fisheye and Sailoruranus. I can already see the chaos! Remember to watch Dark Kingdom STUDS, the wonderful testament to pure, vicarious, voyeurism!

- The End -

Author's Endnotes:

That's the end of today's twisted tale! Send all your comments and stuff to otaku_ace@hotmail.com.

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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