The (Un)Real World

Episode 1: Flash Flood! Nephrite's Dilemma!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

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Can four guys with evil, malevolent powers live together in the same house without killing each other? Find out in...

The (Un)Real World

Episode 1: Flash Flood! Nephrite's Dilemma!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

Nephrite had had a tough day. Another one of his brilliant plans had gone astray. His most powerful warriors, the Gemini warriors, had somehow been defeated by those stupid Sailor senshi. And to top it all off, his rival Zoisite had witnessed the whole thing. It was unfair. Well, it would soon be okay, Nephrite thought. He had just installed a Western-style bath in his mansion and was anxious to try it out. To kill time while the water ran, Nephrite was trying out a new wine in his wine cellar that he had acquired when he was in Tokyo.

"Ah," he sighed as he sipped the deep red liquid from his glass. "delicious!"

The new wine was so good that Nephrite forgot about the running bath water completely. Dissatisfied at how little that wine glass could hold, Nephrite just started chugging straight from the bottle. Soon the bottle was completely empty and Nephrite was looking for another one.

"Crap!" he muttered. "I knew I should have gotten another bottle of that!"

Looking around the musty racks, Nephrite found another brand that he liked and began chugging it down. Nephrite continued in this way until he finally blacked out. Unfortunately for Nephrite he had failed to remember the bath water that was still running...

* * *

Sometime later, Nephrite found himself on a stretcher outside of his mansion with a bunch of people surrounding him. Much to his distress, he found that many of the people were drinking his wine (they had retrieved some of the bottles from the flooded basement).

"Uhhh... what happened?" he groaned once he could sit up.

"Are you okay Mr. Sanjouin?" someone said.

"Huh?" Nephrite said, not remembering for a minute that his alter ego was Sanjouin Masato.

"He's probably a bit disoriented," someone else said.

"What happened?" Nephrite asked as he rubbed his head.

"Your house flooded as a result of leaving the bath water on Mr. Sanjouin" replied the medical worker who had rescued Nephrite from his flooded wine cellar. "Most people would have noticed the problem soon enough so they'd just have a mess on the floor, but we found you piss drunk in your cellar and unconscious. Have you ever considered AA, sir?"

"Oh great," Nephrite snarled. This was definitely going to stain his image. "What else could go wrong?"

"And this is the bill for repairing the flood damage," said his insurance man who held a bill for a very large sum of money.

"Crap!" Though Nephrite could easily afford to pay for the flood damage with conjured money, he really didn't like to spend that much money on nonalcoholic related purchases. Sighing, Nephrite pulled out a checkbook to pay the insurance man.

When the rubbernecking crowds finally went away, Nephrite got up and began to think where he could stay till his mansion was fixed. Staying at a hotel was out (those pesky maids would read all his evil paperwork). Since creepy isolated mansions complete with wine cellars were rather hard to come by, buying another house was out. Nephrite sighed out of frustration. he had hoped it wouldn't have to come to this, but it seemed like he had no choice...

* * *

Jadeite wondered what he had done to deserve such a fate. He could deal with being stuck in a giant crystal, but this was too much. Even Beryl herself couldn't have concocted such torture. The constant moaning, the naked bodies, the unbelievable excess. Lesser men would have certainly gone insane by now. What is Jadeite talking about you ask? I'll tell you.

It seems, dear reader, that when Queen Beryl had tried to fling Jadeite into the farthest corner of space, she had made a mistake by underestimating the power level. Instead of forever floating about the dark recesses of space, Jadeite's crystal had instead landed smack in the middle of Kunzite and Zoisite's backyard. Of course, a huge crystal with a guy in it isn't exactly a thing you can easily miss, so the two soon found it and took it back with them. Since his initial finding, Jadeite had sort of become Kunzite and Zoisite's good luck charm. The two seemed to be under the bizarre impression that whenever Jadeite's crystal was around, sex was better. As a result, Jadeite was constantly being dragged about their gloomy dwelling to wherever they happened to be making out at the time.

Unbeknownst to Kunzite and Zoisite, Jadeite was not deprived of his basic senses by being sealed in the crystal; Jadeite could see and hear everything that went around him, though he couldn't move around or invoke his powers. So Jadeite had become the unwilling witness to Kunzite and Zoisite's sexual pastimes. To Jadeite it was dreadfully dull not to mention demeaning; Jadeite, one of the four Kings of the Dark Kingdom reduced to being a voyeur for the rest of his life (Kunzite was actually able to free Jadeite from his crystal prison, but he didn't want to). He wondered when the two had time to work since they were always in bed. Fortunately for poor Jeddy, something came around to break up the monotony

* * *

It had started out as a usual day. Jadeite was stuck in his crystal, wondering if he would ever be released from his imprisonment. Nearby, Kunzite and Zoisite were doing things best left to the imagination. Suddenly the door bell rang. Kunzite cursed, since he didn't want to be interrupted from his favorite pastime to answer the door, but got up anyway (he figured the ringing doorbell would keep ringing until he answered it, which would spoil the mood anyway). After getting to his feet Kunzite conjured up clothing for himself and Zoisite before opening the door, much to the annoyance of his now pouting partner.

"I might have expected that it would be you at the door disturbing us," Kunzite grumbled after seeing that it was Nephrite at the door.

Nephrite put on an amused smirk before saying, "Judging from your current cheerful disposition, I'd say I interrupted your fun."

"You're damn right you interrupted our fun!" said Zoisite, who had just angrily stomped up to Nephrite.

Before Zoisite could conjure up a fireball or an ice crystal to permanently finish off Nephrite, Kunzite pulled Zoisite into a tight embrace, which immediately placated him. Then Kunzite said in an icy voice, "Why have you disturbed our domestic bliss?"

"I had a small mishap with my house, so I need to stay here for awhile."

"You don't need to stay here, you want to," Kunzite corrected. "And if it's so small then why do you need to seek another residence?"

"Look, my house was flooded and I need somewhere else to crash for awhile," Nephrite was getting impatient.

"You don't live near any rivers or lake, Neffy-chan," Zoisite said evilly. "You probably got drunk and left the bath water running."

"That's not true!" Nephrite shouted defensively.

Kunzite laughed. "Looks like Zoisite hit the nail on the head."

"Well I don't care what you say, I'm staying here anyway."

"Suppose we don't want you to."

"You have to. The entire conflict of this fic is to watch us drive each other crazy as we live under the same roof."

"Sez who?" demanded Zoisite.

"The fanfic author." Suddenly there was a poof and a piece of paper floated to the ground. Kunzite began to read it to Zoisite.

A Quick Summary of Comedic Fanfic Guidelines

(At least for fics done by Ace Otaku)
  1. Nephrite is a drunk and will do stupid things when drunk.
  2. Kunzite is obsessed with his cape.
  3. Zoisite is a vicarious cross dresser and many funny episodes will come when he is mistaken for a woman.
  4. Kunzite and Zoisite are sex addicts and will be found in compromising positions.
  5. Jadeite is the 'normal' one, has trouble with women, and is generally unlucky in everything he does.
  6. Zoisite and Nephrite despise each other and many hilarious exchanges will arise from their bitter hatred.

"Well, it looks like we're in over a barrel, Zoey," Kunzite said to Zoisite, who was pouting big time. "I suppose you can move in Nephrite."

"Hot damn!" Nephrite shouted. He began hauling in his luggage, which was suitcases full of the wine that he had managed to salvage from his basement.

Suddenly Nephrite noticed Jadeite. "Hey, I thought he was in Eternal Sleep!"

"We found him one day in our backyard," Zoisite explained. "Beryl must have miscalculated the energy level needed to send him into space."

"What's he doing here?"

"Whenever Jadeite's around, our sex is better."

Nephrite face was soon covered by a huge sweat drop and an expression that said, Oh my god, that's more than I needed to know.

After Nephrite finished sweat dropping, Kunzite lead him to a door and shoved him and his luggage inside. "This'll be your room, Nephrite," Kunzite said haughty. "Don't bother us."

It was dark in the room, but Nephrite soon found a chain that was attached to small light bulb. He pulled the chain and the dim light bulb came on. To his extreme dismay, he found that his 'room' was actually a very small closet. Half of the room was taken up by boxes of various sizes. The rest of the space was occupied by a small futon on the floor for him to sleep on. Since his booze took up all the remaining space, Nephrite didn't have any space to move around. As he sat down on his futon, Nephrite began to hear some loud moaning and grunting sounds from outside, as well as someone (guess who) who was screaming stuff like, "Oh yes, Kunzaito-sama! More! More!"

He sighed, took a bottle of wine, and began chugging it. "Man, I wish I was drunk."

And his wish was soon granted.

* * *


Poor Jadeite was still stuck in his crystal and the unwilling witness to more of Kunzite and Zoisite love games.

"Man, I wish I was drunk."

Jadeite never got his wish.

The End of Episode 1 - Goto Episode 2

Author's End Notes

That's the end. For now.... What further misadventures will befall our fave four bishonen baddies? Find out in the next episode, Zoisite's Obsession! Fun at a Convention!

If you thought this was the greatest thing since the concept of fan subbing e-mail me at

Or if you thought this was the most disturbing fic since Compromise, e-mail at and give me a good reason why you didn't like it. It's okay if you didn't like it but if you're just going to paraphrase "You suck," beware! I know how to flame and am not afraid to do it.

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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