The (Un)Real World

Episode 2: Zoisite's Obsession! Fun at a Convention!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

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Can four guys with evil, malevolent powers live together in the same house without killing each other? Find out in...

The (Un)Real World

Episode 2: Zoisite's Obsession! Fun at a Convention!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

When we last left our androgynous pal, Zoisite, he was 'occupied' with his lover, Kunzite. However, all good things must come to an end, so now Zoisite was doing something else to occupy his spare time. He needed to tend to his beloved collection. He didn't know what he would do without his collection. It was his other life, his other love besides Kunzite.

So Zoisite was dragging Kunzite's hand to a door that said, "Zoisite's Collection. Do Not Enter!".

"Do I have to do this?" Kunzite whined.

"Yes!" Zoisite said. "You promised that since Nephrite had to stay here that you'd help me with my collection."

The other man sighed. He had promised Zoisite that, unfortunately. And anyway if he didn't help him with his collection, Zoisite would pout and cry and until he complied. Before Zoisite opened the doorknob he handed Kunzite a pair of rubber gloves.

"Put these on. I don't want you putting fingerprints on my collection."

After the two had put on their gloves, Zoisite opened the door. As they walked in Zoisite sighed and said, "I've been away too long."

"It's only been a couple of hours."

"And that was too long!"

Kunzite shook his head and looked around and the hot pink boxes that were arranged throughout the room. "I just don't get what you see in collecting Barbie dolls of all things! What don't you collect stamps or something more fitting of a Dark Kingdom warrior?"

After saying that, Kunzite knew he had made a grave error. Zoisite's eyes began to water and his lip quivered. "You don't love me anymore!" he sobbed.

"No that not true Zoey, honey!" Kunzite said, trying to comfort his hysterical lover.

"You're just like all the others! When I was five years old, all I wanted for Christmas was a Bride Barbie and her Malibu Dream House! I wanted to play with Barbie! I wanted to dream with Barbie! I wanted to be pretty like Barbie! I wanted to be a bride like Barbie! But everyone kept saying, "No, Zoisite! You can't have Barbie! It's not for boys!" All the time, "It's not for boys!" "It's not for boys!" Doesn't anybody care what I want?!"

"You know I care, Zoisite," Kunzite said quickly. "I just said some stuff I didn't mean." With another thought, Kunzite conjured up a rose. "Here. This is for you."

Zoisite immediately cuddled up to Kunzite like a kitten. "You're so good to me, Kunzite!"

"Yeah." Suddenly Kunzite remembered something he saw in the newspaper that would really make Zoisite happy. "And to make it up I'll take you to the Barbie convention in town tomorrow!"

Zoisite's eyes lit up like a light bulb. "You will? That's great!" He jumped on Kunzite, knocking him to the ground, and began kissing him passionately. Of course, this reminded Zoisite of another one of his favorite pastimes and soon the two were passionately making out.

* * *


Nephrite crawled out of his little room. As usual he was piss drunk. He staggered aimlessly throughout the corridors of the castle until he reached the room that contained Zoisite's Barbie collection. The door was slightly ajar, so Nephrite nudged it open and staggered inside. There were a lot of clothes lying around on the ground, and Nephrite, in his inebriated states tripped over them and fell on his face. When he got up again, he noticed that Kunzite and Zoisite were lying on the ground naked and asleep. Being too drunk to be embarrassed, Nephrite stood up and tried to find a steady landmark to lean on as his world was spinning around.

Nephrite staggered over to a small table that had two dolls on them and held them firmly with his hands. Suddenly, he felt very sick and threw up all over the table and the dolls. Then he blacked out and fell unconscious on the ground.

* * *

Sometime later...

Zoisite woke up. He was feeling quite happy and was ready to resume work on his collection. Suddenly, he noticed that something was amiss. He saw Nephrite sprawled out on the ground, unconscious. Obvious drunk, the idiot, Zoisite thought. However, when Zoisite looked at the table behind Nephrite, he saw that it and the dolls on it were covered with vomit. Zoisite became livid with rage. His eyes began to water and he began to scream. "Nephrite! You drunk bastard!"

Zoisite then began to kick, swear, and punch Nephrite with all his might (he's still naked mind you). It didn't really hurt Nephrite, since Zoisite wasn't very strong physically, but naturally, all the swearing woke both him and Kunzite up. Since Kunzite had been completely sober, he woke up quicker than Nephrite.

"Zoisite, why are you attacking Nephrite? He didn't make any crude remarks about your genitalia again, did he?"

Zoisite stopped attacking Nephrite and flew into Kunzite arms. He was completely hysterical so Kunzite couldn't make out exactly what he was saying. "There, there. It's O.K." Kunzite tried to say. Eventually he was able to make out, that in his drunken state, Nephrite had thrown up on two very valuable dolls in Zoisite's collection.

Nephrite's head was hurting so badly that he still didn't notice that Kunzite and Zoisite were both naked. "Oooh. What happened?"

"You got drunk again, you sad ass excuse for a Dark Kingdom warrior!" Kunzite mocked.

Once Zoisite saw that Nephrite had more or less regained consciousness, he tried to attack him again, except that Kunzite held him so tightly that he couldn't escape. "I hate you, Nephrite!" Zoisite sobbed.

"What else is new?" grumbled Nephrite.

"I'm not going to forgive you for causing my beloved Zoisite so much pain, Nephrite" Kunzite replied icily.

"Why? What have I done this time?"

"I'll show you what you did!" Zoisite jumped up and fetched the vomit covered dolls. It was at this moment that Nephrite noticed that his two rivals were both naked.

"God!" Nephrite yelled, covering his eyes. "Don't you two ever bother to put on clothes around here?" Seeing Zoisite naked was not Nephrite's idea of fun.

"Oh yeah. I forgot." Kunzite said. With a thought, both he and Zoisite were clad in their Dark Kingdom uniforms.

"Do you see what you've done?!" Zoisite screamed, as he held up the vomit covered messes up to Nephrite's face. "You have completely ruined my limited edition Superfly Pimp Ken and my limited edition Biker Chick Barbie, both worth an estimated $20,000 each!"

"That much for dolls?" Nephrite couldn't believe it. "Look, just so you'll shut up, here are some new ones." He conjured up two dolls in boxes that looked exactly like the damaged ones.

Furious, Zoisite tried to shove the ersatz dolls up Nephrite's nose. "You idiot! Any true Barbie expert could tell they're fake!"

Although Kunzite really wanted to know whether it was physically possible to have two dolls shoved up Nephrite's nostrils, the noise was giving him a headache. Plus, all the time Zoisite spent arguing with Nephrite could be better put to use being with him, Kunzite thought.

"Nephrite," Kunzite said in the iciest voice he could muster. "Since you have caused Zoisite so much pain, you will accompany us to the Barbie Convention tomorrow and seek replacements for the ones you damaged, which I might add you will be paying for with your own money."

"No!" Nephrite screamed, becoming super deformed. "It'll ruin my image to be seen at a Barbie Convention (he thought the only people who collected Barbie dolls were women and gay men)!"

"You will repay Zoisite for what you did to him." Kunzite eyes flashed an icy blue, which made Nephrite break into a cold sweat. It really pissed Nephrite off how easily Kunzite made him submit to him. Unfortunately, he didn't want to end up a pile of dust, so he really had no choice.

Not wanting to seem weak, Nephrite said, "O.K., but only because I have nothing else to do tomorrow." After his response, Nephrite teleported away to his room/closet to soothe his headaches.

Once Nephrite was gone, Zoisite sniffled, "I hope Nephrite find my dolls for me."

"If he values his life he will," Kunzite said flatly. Thinking of a way to cure Zoisite's woes, Kunzite grinned, and said, "I have some ideas on how to get your mind off Nephrite," as he pulled Zoisite into a passionate kiss (no hentai here folks, I'm ending the scene here).

* * *

The next day...

The four Kings were on Earth going to the Barbie Convention. Jadeite, still in his crystal, was on a Radio Flyer wagon, which was being hauled by Kunzite. No one thought this odd, since they all just figured that it was just some sort of life sized Ken doll. Zoisite was skipping about talking to himself about all the stuff he was going to buy. Nephrite was dressed in a trench coat, fedora, and plastic Groucho glasses with a fake nose since he didn't want anyone to recognize him. They stopped for a minute to discuss the day's agenda.

"Okay, Nephrite. I assume you know what to do?" Kunzite said.

"Yes sir," Nephrite replied sarcastically. Zoisite had given him a picture of what he needed to get.

"Then get your rear in gear," Zoisite yelled impatiently. "I don't want anyone else getting my stuff!"

"Whatever." Nephrite was starting to get really pissed off at Kunzite and Zoisite.

Nephrite left, Zoisite grabbed Kunzite and said, "C'mon! If we hurry we can see a lecture on the history of Ken!"

Kunzite sighed as he continued to haul Jadeite around and run after Zoisite at the same time. What I do for domestic bliss, Kunzite thought.

* * *


Nephrite was walking around in disguise trying to find the dolls Zoisite wanted. He was very uncomfortable. The hat and jacket made him hot and the plastic nose on his glasses made breathing difficult. As far as Nephrite was concerned, this was a waste of time; a man of the world such as himself should be at home sipping fine wine and reading good literature. But his home was under repairs and was temporarily forced to live in a closet in the home of his worst enemies. He cursed Zoisite and his stupid hobby.

Nephrite pulled the picture of the dolls out of a pocket. He shook his head. Why would any sane person buy a doll of an S&M, dominatrix, biker chick and a flamboyant, Superfly wannabe pimp? Then again, as far as Nephrite was concerned, Zoisite was hardly sane. After a hour of looking at various convention tables, Nephrite was unable to locate the necessary dolls. Nephrite grimaced; he knew if he couldn't get them he would end up a stain on the floor of Kunzite's dwelling. It was just as he had thought - there were none in existence anymore. Still, Nephrite knew he had to trudge on.

* * *


Kunzite sighed with impatience. This convention was sapping him of his energy. All he was good for was handing out cash whenever Zoisite wanted to buy something and carrying the boxes and bags that they had accumulated. They had been there an hour and Zoisite had already made over 50 purchases. It was a good thing he had the power to conjure up money, else they'd have to resort to bank robbing.

Kunzite was sure this hobby wasn't good for Zoisite. To him there was something very disturbing about a doll with breasts.

* * *

As Osaka Naru walked through the slew of people at the Barbie Convention, she wondered why she had chose to come. Everything here was excessively expensive, much more than she could afford on her meager allowance. And even if I could have afforded it, Naru thought. I couldn't get anything because that woman with the copper blond hair keeps buying everything.

She was about to go home when she noticed Sanjouin Masato at the convention too. Immediately her eyes turned into two huge hearts. Even though he was wearing a trench coat, hat, and plastic glasses with a fake nose she could still recognize him. She ran up to him.

"Mr. Sanjouin," she cried. "I didn't know you like Barbie too!"

Nephrite was shocked that someone recognized him in his 'brilliant' disguise. As Nephrite fumbled with his glasses, he tried to pretend he didn't know Naru. "Uh, you must be mistaken, Naru. I am certainly not that suave, handsome, rich, and incredibly cool Sanjouin Masato." He slapped himself in the head when he remembered that if he was a stranger then he didn't know her name.

"You don't have to hide from me, Mr. Sanjouin. I think it's sexy for a guy to show his feminine side."

Seeing that his ruse was a total failure, he sighed and took off his disguise, revealing his Dark Kingdom uniform underneath. Then his eyes lit up. "Do you want to help me, Naru?"


"Do you know of where I could get these?" He showed her a picture of the dolls.

"I have them at home. They were a gift from a relative."

After getting over his shock that a seemingly nice girl like Osaka Naru would have stuff like this, he then said, "I'd like to buy them and add them to my, uh collection. I'll pay you handsomely for them."

No sooner had he finished say this than Naru rushed out of the convention center to her house to retrieve the wanted items. Nephrite grinned as she ran out. Since Nephrite was evil, he planned to pay Naru far less than what the dolls were actually worth (he certainly wasn't about to shell out $40,000 for something he was supposed to give to Zoisite). Glad that his skin was saved from Kunzite and Zoisite's wrath, Nephrite couldn't help but laugh evilly to assert his villainous nature.

* * *

"Dammit, Usagi. I thought we agreed that each of us was going to bring $100 so we could buy a valuable Barbie."

"I'm sorry Rei. On the way over I spent my $100 on the Sailor V game."

"How could you spend $100 on an arcade game?!"

"It's possible."

The three Sailor Senshi, Sailormoon, Sailormars, and Sailormercury, were also at the convention. They had intentionally planned on pooling their resources to buy something valuable, but as usual, Usagi had mucked up their plans.

"If we're not going to buy anything, can we leave?" inquired Ami. "I need to get ahead 50 more chapters in Super Advanced Bioengineering."

Rei sighed. "I suppose you're right. We should have known better than to leave anything to Usagi."

Of course that comment made Usagi start crying. "You're so mean, Rei!" she whined.

"Will you shut up?!" Rei shouted. That only made Usagi cry harder.

"Hey look!" Ami shouted. "There's Naru."

Usagi momentarily stopped crying and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Hey Naru! Whatcha up to?"

"Can't talk Usagi," Naru puffed as she ran past the three girls. "I have to give these things to Mr. Sanjouin."

"Mr. Sanjouin?!" the three Senshi shouted simultaneous. "That means that Nephrite's here!"

"That is so like Nephrite, stealing energy from innocent convention goers," Rei fumed.

"Yeah! I'll kick his ass!" Usagi cried happily.

The other Senshi gasped that sweet, innocent Usagi should use profanity. "Watch your mouth, Usagi, this is supposed to be a kid's show!"

"So?" Usagi pouted. "Lots of stuff happens in this show that isn't very pleasant that's far worse than profanity. I learned on the Internet that I die in practically every season of Sailormoon!"

"You're right," the other Senshi said. "Anyway, let's transform!"

Once the Senshi finished with their usual transformations (which none of the other conventioneers noticed for some reason), they went off to find Nephrite.

* * *

"I brought you what you requested Mr. Sanjouin," Naru said.

"Excellent," Nephrite said evilly.

Just as he was taking the dolls, Nephrite heard, "Stop right there!"

"The Sailor Senshi!" Nephrite gasped. "How did you know I'd be here?" Did they know he was trying to shortchange Naru?

"Two words, Nephrite," Sailormars said. "Anime coincidence. It has been foretold everything we do is a Dark Kingdom plot!"

"And we're going to stop your evil now!" Sailormercury said.

Suddenly, Sailormars kicked Nephrite in the groin. "Ouch! That's a low blow, Sailormars, in more ways than one!"

"That's what you get for being evil!" Sailormoon cried.

Soon all three Senshi were beating Nephrite senselessly.

"This is for stealing energy!" POW!

"This is for mistreating Naru!" WHACK!

"This is for being heartless!" KAPOW!

"This is for being cruel!" SPLAT!

"This is for driving a really cool Ferrari that none of the viewers at home can afford!" ZOW!

The random violence towards Nephrite's person continued until it was time for the Senshi to go home for dinner. After the Senshi left, Naru came up to Nephrite and cried. "What did those horrible Senshi do to you?"

"I think my lungs collapsed," mumbled Nephrite.

"I'm going to stay here and nurture and care for you until you get better and..."

Suddenly an announcer said, "And the winner of the door prize is Osaka Naru! Please come claim your prize, a limited edition Silicon Breast Implant Barbie!"

Suddenly forgetting about Nephrite, Naru cried, "Wow! I won something? This is too cool!"

As she raced off to get her prize, Nephrite managed to pull himself off the ground. He felt terrible and his head was killing him again, but at least the Senshi hadn't crushed the dolls while they were beating him. This meant that Kunzite wasn't going to turn him into garden mulch and that was very good. Exhausted, he teleported back to Kunzite's mansion.

* * *

"What do you mean we can't get any more?" Zoisite cried.

"We don't have any more room in the wagon for your stuff and my arms are full," Kunzite said. "We're going home,"

"You can stuff some Barbie outfits in your pockets can't you?"

"We're going home," Kunzite said in a dark voice. Zoisite pouted, but he didn't want to piss Kunzite off, so he complied.

They went to the lobby of the convention center to wait for Nephrite. They waited for an hour, but he didn't come. "What's taking him so long?" Zoisite grumbled.

"I'd say he's either looking for your stuff or he passed out in the Men's room from drinking too much," Kunzite replied. "I'm fed up of being here. Nephrite can just teleport back home when he's done." And, with Jadeite in tow, they teleported home.

* * *

Sometime later, Nephrite finally returned to the Dark Kingdom. He was bruised, beat up, his uniform was torn and one of his epaulettes was missing from his shoulder. When Nephrite came back to the castle, he found that Zoisite and Kunzite were stretched out on a couch in a most obscene embrace.

"Here are the dolls you requested Zoisite," Nephrite muttered bitterly. "I hope you enjoy them very much. I'm going to lie down now, my head hurts and don't disturb me."

Without so much of a "thank you," Zoisite said, "My collection is finally whole again!"

"Why does your head hurt?" Kunzite asked.

"I know! Neffy got drunk again!" Zoisite shouted.

"I thought your headache was gone," Kunzite said.

"It was Kunzite, it was," Nephrite grumbled.

The End of Episode 2 - Goto Episode 3

Reader 1: This fic isn't accurate! We all know that in Japan they don't have Barbie! They have an anime eyed doll named Jenny!

Reader 2: That's right. Do I hear rewrite anywhere?

Readers 1 & 2: Rewrite! Rewrite!

Me: Shut up! This isn't supposed to be a documentary of Japanese fashion dolls!

Reader 2: That's no excuse.

Reader 1: Yeah. You know you'd do the same thing if it was anyone else's fic.

Me: This is so trite.

Reader 1: We demand this fic to be rewritten!

Reader 2: Plus the money isn't converted into Japanese yen. This story has holes you could drive a bus through.

Me: I'm outta here. If you want it changed, write your own fic.

Next Episode: Do the Stars Know Everything? Nephrite's Psychic Friends!

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