The (Un)Real World

Episode 3: Do the Stars Know Everything?

Nephrite's Psychic Friends!

(With apologies to Christopher Walkin and Gary Coleman)

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku


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Can four guys with evil, malevolent powers live together in the same house without killing each other? Find out in...


The (Un)Real World

Episode 3: Do the Stars Know Everything?

Nephrite's Psychic Friends!

(With apologies to Christopher Walkin and Gary Coleman)

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

"The movement of the stars know everything," Nephrite began.

"Hey Kunzite! Get a load a this!" Zoisite shouted. "Neffy thinks he can talk to the stars!" Soon Kunzite came and soon both he and Zoisite were laughing and pointing at Nephrite.

Nephrite growled with anger. How was he ever supposed to do anything with those two always butting in on his affairs? He was on a cliff right outside Kunzite's castle, trying to consult with the stars on his best course of action when he was rudely interrupted by his dearest enemies.

"Shut up you two!" Nephrite lashed out. "Soon you'll see the true power of the stars."

Kunzite and Zoisite stayed relatively quiet, but were unable to hide their snickers.

Nephrite continued. "The movement of the stars know everything. Oh great Scorpio which crosses over into the Aries cusp in Alpha Centari, show me the path I must take to gain energy for out Great Leader."

Much to Nephrite's shock, the stars actually stuck their tongues out at him and said, "You can't talk to stars, stupid!" At this point, Kunzite and Zoisite were laughing so hard that their faces were turning blue.

"Neffy lost his powers!" they both began chanting.

"Feh! Why do I bother with you two?" Nephrite stormed away back to the castle. He should have known that even the stars would be against him at Kunzite's house.

Nephrite sighed and flopped down on a couch with a glass of wine to watch TV. He wouldn't have to worry about Kunzite and Zoisite disturbing him; while they were laughing outside, they had somehow been reminded of their favorite pastime. Nephrite shook his head. Those two were the horniest guy that he had ever met; they could get turned on by a debate on campaign finance reform.

Still, this whole thing regarding the stars was disturbing him. He was well known throughout the entire Dark Kingdom as one of the best psychics. Could he really be losing his powers?

Taking the remote control, Nephrite began aimlessly flipping through the channels until he found a very interesting program. It was an infomercial, but Nephrite didn't know what an infomercial was, so he didn't know that he should change the channel. A slightly evil, creepy looking guy was hosting the infomercial.

"Are you feeling sad? Anxious? Depressed? Looking for that special someone in your life?" the infomercial said.

"Yeah! Yeah!" Nephrite agreed.

"Then join the Christopher Walkin Psychic Friends Network. On our network you'll meet hundreds of caring, loving psychics who'll become your psychic family. Just look at this satisfied celebrity customer!"

At this point the informercial cut to a dopey looking short guy named Gary Coleman. "After my TV series, Different Strokes, went off the air, I thought I would always be doomed to sell car wax from my van. But my caring psychic family foresaw that I'd soon be doing lame TV ads to get my faltering career back on track which mean I can get off welfare for a month. Thanks Christopher Walkin!"

"You see," Christopher Walkin said. "If Gary Coleman, former child star of Different Strokes, can benefit from my caring psychic family that so can you. So pick up the phone right now and call 1-800-555-PSYCO now. Some psychic companies give you 10 minutes free. Some even give you 60 minutes free. But the Christopher Walkin Psychic Friends Network gives you 10 hours free. Now there's a deal you can't beat!"

"Hey! Where's the phone?" Nephrite yelled. He picked up the telephone and furiously began to dial the phone number to the Christopher Walkin Psychic Friends Network.

"Yeah?" a rather disgruntled female voice grumbled on the other end of the phone.

"I'm looking for my caring psychic family," Nephrite said.

"Oh that," the 'caring psychic' said (whose name was Roxanne). "Well, whadda want know about? Love? Sex? Family? Work?"

"I want to know about work,"

"Umm, OK," Roxanne fumbled with some tarot cards. Talking a wild guess she said, "You are uh, in the military or something?"

"Sorta,"

"You are trying to gain success in the military, but rivals stand in the way?"

"Exactly! You really are a psychic!"

"Yeah, whatever."

* * *

Ten hours later...

After spending 10 hours doing things best left to the imagination, Kunzite and Zoisite came back into their mansion. Zoisite really wanted to tease Nephrite some more, and much to his delight, Nephrite was sprawled on a couch, talking on the phone.

"Have you gotten so desperate that you're calling phone sex numbers now?" Zoisite taunted.

"No, as a matter of fact I'm talking with my caring psychic family," Nephrite said in an annoyed voice.

"You've become so weak that you're talking with one of those fake TV psychics?"

"It's not fake. They know all kinds of stuff about me that only I would know,"

"Like what?"

"Like how my rival is a cross dresser."

"Just luck," Zoisite mumbled.

"How long have you been on there, Nephrite?" Kunzite asked.

"Ten hours,"

"Ten hours?!" Kunzite's face became super deformed. "Get off there now! I'm the one who has to pay for this crap!"

"Don't get all bent out of shape," Nephrite replied. "I get ten hours free."

"Your ten hours are up. Get off."

Nephrite sighed and said to Roxanne, "Tell Tom, Julie, and Andy good bye for me,"

Zoisite looked suspicious. "Who are Tom, Julie, and Andy?"

"My caring psychic family."

"And you believe that crap?" Kunzite snickered. "Boy, are you stupid Nephrite! Didn't you read the bottom of that infomercial?"

"I think I'm more than over 18, Kunzite,"

"Not that, stupid!" Kunzite snapped while he sweat dropped. "It said for entertainment purpose only, which means only a simpleton like you would think it's real. Plus all those so-called 'psychics' are probably just college kids who need a job to pay the rent. "

"You're just jealous because I have found a new source to help me find energy," Nephrite retorted. "At least I don't think pro wrestling is real like some people." At this Nephrite glared at Zoisite.

"Hey, don't even go there man!" Zoisite cried and buried his face in Kunzite's chest.

"I'm going into the Earth Realm tomorrow for a tarot card reading with my caring psychic family. I'm inviting you guys and Jadeite to witness all the power of the Christopher Walkin Psychic Friends Network!" Nephrite, then began to laugh evilly to show that he would triumph over Kunzite and Zoisite's misgivings.

* * *

The next day...

The Four Kings (including Jadeite in his crystal being hauled on the wagon again) went to the Earth Realm to the Christopher Walkin Psychic Friends Network building. The building where tarot card readings and séances were separate from the complex used for over the phone readings.

The Kings found themselves in a one story building with many rooms. The room they were in had a round table and some folding chairs around it. They weren't sure of anything else in the room because it was very dark; the only light came from a single light bulb light with a chain attached to it.

"Man, I'm bored!" Zoisite whined. "This is so stupid!"

"I would have to agree with Zoisite," Kunzite said. "if these so-called 'psychics' don't come soon Zoisite and I are leaving."

Unfortunately for Kunzite and Zoisite, Nephrite's 'caring psychic family' soon arrived. The woman that Nephrite had talked to on the phone yesterday, Roxanne, was fat and had apparently had a bad dye job because her hair was half red, half brown. Much to Nephrite's dismay, Roxanne even had a very thick mustache. Tom was a tall, skinny guy with shoulder length brown hair, a guitar in tow, and a tattoo that read Strawberry Fields Forever! Julie was rather short and had huge two inch glasses that took up 3/4 of her face. Andy looked like what we would call 'yuppie scum' he wore a blue blazer, khaki pants, and a tie. He also looked way to sure of himself.

Zoisite could barely contain his laughter. Were these supposed to be psychics?!

Roxanne looked at a clip board she was carrying. "Ah, yes Mr. Sanjouin? Are these the other members of your party?"

"Yes," Nephrite answered.

"Wow! Like, who's the cutie in the crystal?" Julie asked with hearts in her eyes at Jadeite.

If Jadeite had been able to, he probably would have blasted Julie into oblivion. But unfortunately for him, he was unable to do so.

"That's Jadeite," Kunzite said.

"Stop bothering the clients!" barked Roxanne. "Let's get started. I need to get paid."

All of them sat down, except Jadeite who had no choice but to stand. Though as soon as they sat down, Andy excused himself. "I have to uh, call my stockbroker,"

That was fine with everyone except Zoisite, who became immediately suspicious. "Now first we must summon the great astrological forces," Tom said in a voice that hinted that he might be stoned. "Hold hands please."

This displeased Zoisite because he was sitting next to Nephrite and he didn't want any sort of physical contact with him. But a gentle kick under the table from Kunzite made him do it anyway.

Julie hit a gong with a mallet causing a very loud noise. "Oh great and powerful star constellation guys!" she shouted in a loud, annoying grating voice. "Tell us the future!"

Then everyone recited a mantra. Actually it wasn't really a mantra it was the chorus to Hey Jude by the Beatles. After the preliminaries were over, the psychics took out some tarot cards and did some readings. Roxanne seemed to be able to at least realistically fake that she had a clue how to use the cards, but Julie was frantically flipping through the card trying to remember what to do. Tom on the other hand was eating his tarot cards. The expression on Zoisite's face said, This is so fake.

"I see that you three are trying to collect energy for your great leader," Roxanne said.

"That's right!" Nephrite said.

"And I see that you, Mr. Sanjouin, like have a flooded house and are living with those three guys and stuff," Julie said.

"Amazing!" Nephrite praised.

" I can tell you are like, a man of the world," Julie said to Nephrite. "You like enjoy fine wines and some junk."

"That's the biggest understatement of the year!" Zoisite shouted.

"Shut up, Zoisite!" Nephrite hissed. "You may continue."

"The blond guy in the crystal was a master of disguise and could don any costume without anyone noticing - except the Sailor Senshi." Roxanne said.

"That guy over there," Tom said, pointing at Zoisite. "has a different gender in every country as a result of tight ass censorship laws."

"I'm beginning to think there's some truth to this," Kunzite whispered to Zoisite. Zoisite rolled his eyes as if to say, I can't believe this!

As the psychics continued their readings, Zoisite's boredom continued. To his dismay, even his manly mustang, Kunzite had fallen for this crap. Since Zoisite was by nature very curious, eventually he just got up and started exploring. He noticed that the room wasn't really a room, but a cubicle separated from the other cubicles by a black shroud. This was not noticeable because the room was so dark. On the floor was a set of wires. This automatically aroused Zoisite's already high suspicions. Zoisite followed the wires and saw that they went under the shroud. When he crawled under the shroud, Zoisite saw the proof he needed.

He saw Andy, the yuppie scum psychic, at a computer. It all made sense now. He was on the Internet checking out all the Sailormoon and Dark Kingdom web sites and relaying the information via walkie talkies to the others. So that's how they knew so much about them!

"Hah!" Zoisite shouted jumping up. "I knew this whole thing was a scam, you faker!"

Andy whirled around in shock. "Uh, you didn't see this! Pay no attention to the man on the Internet!"

Zoisite ripped away the shroud that separated him and Andy from the others. "See Nephrite! I told you this was fake!" Zoisite shouted. "C'mon Kunzite lets blow this pop sickle stand." Zoisite teleported away and Kunzite, with Jadeite in tow soon followed.

Meanwhile, Nephrite looked stunned. "What about my caring psychic family?" he cried.

"Yeah, well. Anybody who believes this is probably an idiot anyway. Didn't you read the part about for entertainment purposes only?" Roxanne grumbled.

"Like totally," Julie agreed. "I like can't even read and I like got this totally cool job with cards and some junk."

"Hello," Tom said in a spaced out voice. Without Andy to tell him what to do, he was back to his stoned self.

"I've been tricked?!" Nephrite was livid with rage. "Now you will feel all the power of the stars!" Suddenly the room took on the look of sky with star in it. Nephrite summoned all of his powers and caused the entire Christopher Walkin Psychic Friends Network complex to explode in a fiery blaze. Before he was consumed by the flames like everyone else, Nephrite teleported back to the Dark Kingdom.

* * *

When Nephrite came back to Kunzite's castle, he saw that as usual, the two main occupants of the house were making out and Jadeite's crystal was about five feet away from them (remember sex is better with Jadeite around). "I'm back," Nephrite grumbled.

"Did you get your revenge?" Kunzite asked when he had to surface for air.

Nephrite nodded. "And how! I summoned the powers of the stars and completely destroyed the Christopher Walkin Psychic Friends Network."

"So you have you're powers back?" Zoisite asked in a dismayed voice. He had hoped that he could use Nephrite's time of weakness to kill him.

"Yep! I learned that all I needed to do was believe in myself to get my powers back!" Nephrite said proudly.

"Yuck, that sounds like the end of a Disney movie," Kunzite said.

"You're right," Nephrite frowned. "I think I'll go get drunk now and do something really obscene so we can have a proper ending."

So Nephrite pulled out a wine bottle and began chugging it like a frat boy. When that was done, he started chugging another. When he was all done, Nephrite's face turned green and he started staggering about. "Oooh. I feel sick. I really shouldn't have done that."

He staggered over to the couch where Kunzite and Zoisite were occupied and threw up on them. "That's disgusting!" Zoisite shouted as he sat on the couch dripping with vomit. "I thought you were doing something obscene, not socially retarded."

"I think I going to bed now, mommy!" Nephrite mumbled.

"I hate you, Nephrite! I'm going to kill you!"

And as usual, Zoisite and Nephrite began beating the crap out of each other, thus providing the fic with a fitting, violent ending.

The End of Episode 3 - Goto Episode 4


Next Episode: Androgyny Be Gone! Zoisite's Identity Crises!

BTW: I mean no ill will towards either Gary Coleman or Christopher Walkin (like either of them would actually be reading this).


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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