The (Un)Real World

Episode 4: Androgyny Be Gone! Zoisite's Identity Crises!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

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Can four guys with evil, malevolent powers live together in the same house without killing each other? Find out in...

The (Un)Real World

Episode 4: Androgyny Be Gone! Zoisite's Identity Crises!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

"Zoisite," Kunzite said in a sexy voice as he stretched lasciviously in bed. "I'm getting lonely."

"I'm coming," Zoisite sighed from the bathroom. Zoisite fixed his melancholy stare back on his reflection in the mirror. For once in his long life, Zoisite wasn't happy by what he saw. Instead of seeing the biologically perfect face that he usually saw, Zoisite saw a gender blank, if you get my drift. He wondered why everyone else he met clearly looked male or female and why he looked like he could be either.

"Kunzite," he said, as he went into the bedroom. "I've made up my mind. Starting tonight, I'm going to be masculine."

"Yeah, yeah, that's nice. Now can you slip into that French lingerie I love so much?"

"Kunzite! That's exactly what I'm trying not to do!" Zoisite cried. "I'm tired of being the cute, feminine, psychotic one. I wanna be tough and masculine like you."

Kunzite raised an eyebrow. "Are you feeling O.K.?" he asked.

"I'd feel better if I had a definite gender."

"What do you mean? You're male."

"Biologically, but not physically."

"So? It never bothered you before."

"I don't think people take me seriously this way."

"It's part of your charm, dearie."

Zoisite began to pout and his eyes started to water. "You don't take me serious!" he cried.

Kunzite sighed and a small sweat drop appeared on his forehead. He pulled Zoisite into his arms and began passionately kissing him, which immediately caused the distraught man to forget his troubles. When they surfaced for air, Kunzite said, "Zoisite, you know I take you very seriously. If I didn't, I'd be dead by now."

Zoisite giggled, and they continued to make out until Kunzite stopped. "What's wrong?" Zoisite frowned.

"We forgot something," Kunzite said. With a thought, Jadeite's crystal appeared in the bedroom.

"Now, we can continue," Kunzite grinned and they continued making out.

Jadeite mentally sighed. He had thought that they had forgotten tonight...

* * *

The next morning...

Kunzite was having a pleasant dream. He was dreaming that he and Zoisite were running, naked, on a beach during a romantic sunset. Just as he caught Zoisite in his arms and was about to kiss him, Kunzite heard a loud voice yell, "Wake up!"

"Go away!" Kunzite hissed to the voice.

"Wake up!" the voice shouted and Kunzite felt someone shove him as he woke up.

"What is it?" Kunzite grumbled as he turned to see who had woken him up. To his extreme disappointment, he saw Zoisite, completely dressed, standing over him.

"We're going shopping," Zoisite decreed.

"What time is it?"

"6:00 AM."

"What? No one goes shopping that early!"

"We do all the time. If you want to get the best deals you have to go early."

Kunzite didn't want to get into an argument with Zoisite about this, so he got showered and dressed (grumbling all the way). Once Kunzite was done, the two teleported to Earth.

As Zoisite led Kunzite through the mall, Kunzite noticed that they were passing all of Zoisite's usual stores. "Where are we going?" Kunzite asked in a perplexed voice.

"You'll see," and that was all Zoisite would say.

Eventually, the two came to a menswear store, odd since Zoisite never came to this kind of store. After Zoisite examined some of the suits for awhile, he asked Kunzite, "What kind of suit do you think I should get?"

Kunzite looked at him as if he had just grown an extra head, but help him find a suit anyway. Eventually they found out that Zoisite was too small to find a suit that fit him perfectly, but managed to find some approximate fits. Zoisite carried a brown suit with him to a fitting room to try it on while Kunzite waited for him outside. After ten minutes had elapsed, Zoisite poked his head out of the dressing room and said, "Kunzite, could you help me?"

At first Kunzite thought that Zoisite had put his leg in the wrong hole in his underwear again and needed help getting out. As it turned out, Zoisite was having trouble tying his red tie.

"Whoever came up with such a stupid article of clothing?" he grumbled as Kunzite tied his tie. Kunzite just struggled.

"How do I look?" Zoisite asked. Kunzite looked hard at his lover. In his opinion, Zoisite looked like a woman dressing like a man and looked much sexier when he cross dressed as a female. Plus the suit, even though it was the smallest one in the store was still too far too big for him. But of course Kunzite didn't voice these thoughts. He figured that it was just another one of Zoisite's whims that would pass soon.

"You look great!" Kunzite lied.

"Great!" Zoisite beamed as he heaped a load of clothes into Kunzite's arms. "Then we'll buy all these!"

Kunzite sighed. He hoped this phase would be over real soon...

* * *

Back in the Dark Kingdom...

Zoisite couldn't help but strut as he wore his new clothes. Along with the brown suit, he wore a brown fedora, a brown overcoat, and dress shoes. True, the suit was too big for him, the hat was about as big as his whole head, and he kept tripping over the overcoat, and the shoes hurt his feet (and he had thought after 4 inch heels he could handle anything) but he didn't mind. As far as Zoisite was concerned it was high time that he asserted his masculinity. Kunzite just trailed behind Zoisite, with a sweat drop covering his entire face.

"I can hardly wait to show the guys my new look!" Zoisite gushed. Kunzite still couldn't speak since he was still sweat dropping.

They found Nephrite sitting in front of the TV, sipping wine. Jadeite's crystal was situated a couple of feet nearby. "Nephrite! What do you think of my new clothes?"

Ordinarily, Nephrite didn't particularly care to look at the goofy outfits that Zoisite bought, but this time he had no choice, since Zoisite decided to stand right in front of the TV screen. He couldn't believe his eyes. Zoisite was actually wearing men's clothing?! Rather than verbally express his opinion, Nephrite broke out into peals of laughter.

"Boy, do you look stupid!" Nephrite snickered once he could speak again. Zoisite face turned bright red. If this was a Warner Brother's cartoon you'd see steam coming out of Zoisite's ears. Kunzite figured that Zoisite would start swearing and giving Nephrite death threats. Instead Zoisite tried to punch Nephrite in the nose as hard as he could, jumping so he could reach his face. Only physical confrontations weren't Zoisite's forte, and Nephrite wasn't injured at all.

"What was that supposed to accomplish?" snickered Nephrite.

"We're going to fight man to man!" Zoisite shouted. "I'm tired of taking crap from you, Nephrite!"

"That's fine with me, except I don't think you count as properly being called a man."

Zoisite angrily kicked Nephrite in the crotch as hard as he could, which immediately caused his rival to fall to ground in agony. After this attack, Zoisite teleported to his room in a huff. Kunzite looked at Nephrite on the ground for a minute (his face was now turning blue) then chased after his distraught lover.

When he came to the bedroom, he saw Zoisite sobbing his heart out. "Now, now," Kunzite said. "Don't let what Nephrite said get to you! Is that how this whole thing got started?"

"He called me a demented castro yesterday!" Zoisite yelled in Kunzite's ear.

"Nephrite says stuff like that all the time!"

"Well, now I'm going to show him that I can be just as manly as him!" Zoisite suddenly sat up with a determined look. To emphasize his determination, waves crashed in the background and the rising sun symbol appeared in typical anime fashion. Kunzite just hoped that this whole phase would pass over.

* * *

The next day...

When Kunzite woke up in the morning, he noticed that Zoisite wasn't lying next to him in bed. Puzzled, Kunzite decided to go down stairs to find him. As he went down the stairs, he noticed the harsh glare of a TV screen was on and illuminated the darkness. A small figure was sitting on a couch.

"Zoisite?" Kunzite called out. As he went closer to the couch, he noticed that the program that Zoisite was watching was an American football match (even though I myself am American, I'm calling it American football so non-Americans won't confuse it for what we call soccer) a program he usually never watched. He was clad in boxers and a dirty t-shirt. Stubble had formed on his legs, which had not been there previously. "I thought you hated American football," was the first thing Kunzite managed to say.

"I do," Zoisite hiccoughed. Kunzite noticed a sizable pile of empty beer cans near Zoisite.

"Why are you drinking so early in the morning?"

"All the really tough guys drink beer, sit around in their underwear and watch American football."

"I hope you know you don't look pretty."

Zoisite's lip curled slightly, but he said, "I'm don't mind." Kunzite somehow got the feeling that Zoisite was lying, but said nothing.

When Zoisite tried to stand, his legs buckled. "Ooh, my head hurts!" Zoisite whined. "Now that I'm actually standing up, the world doesn't seem to be as steady as it was."

"How many beers did you have?" Kunzite asked.

"Oh, just a couple of six packs,"

"A couple of six packs?" Kunzite became super deformed again (he was beginning to think all this super deformation was bad for his health). "If you weren't the main character in this fic, you'd be dead by now!"

"I don't think I'd mind that," Zoisite groaned. "If I was dead, my head wouldn't hurt so bad!"

Kunzite began to drag Zoisite back up the stairs, much to the younger man's protests. "You're going back to bed!"

"I don't wanna go!"

"You don't have a choice!"

"I'll sue!"

Due to his advanced state of drunkeness, Zoisite tried to pick a fight with Kunzite and began punching his midsection (that was as high as his punches could go). Kunzite just sighed, picked Zoisite up, and put him to bed much to Zoisite's irritation.

Then Zoisite's mood abruptly changed. "Kunzite, won't you come to bed with me?" he asked. "All that beer has made me feel really hot and horny. No wonder so many guys drink it." After saying that Zoisite spontaneously shed his clothes, jumped on Kunzite and began kissing him.

Kunzite knew better than to do this, since Zoisite would accuse him of taking advantage of him once he was sober. With some difficulty, Kunzite managed to pull Zoisite off of him and forcibly put him to bed. Then he just teleported from the room, and warded it so Zoisite couldn't escape. As Kunzite went to have breakfast, a tirade of curses came from the bedroom directed at him. Kunzite just ignored them, and went to eat.

* * *

Sometime later...

Kunzite went up to check on Zoisite. "Zoisite? How are you?" He was greeted by a moan.

Zoisite was buried under the covers and mumbling incoherently. "Are you going to come out?" Kunzite asked in a half serious, half teasing voice.

Another moan erupted. Eventually, Zoisite got up and groaned again. "Man, I'm never doing that again!"

A sudden breeze on his body reminded Zoisite that he was naked. "Kunzite! Did you take advantage of me when I was drunk???!!!" Zoisite began screaming at a super deformed Kunzite.

Oh man! I was afraid of this! Kunzite thought. "No, honey," Kunzite assured. "You took your clothes off of your own free will!"

"Are you sure?" Zoisite conjured an long jagged ice dagger and held it up to Kunzite's throat.

"Very sure," Kunzite said as he nervously looked at the ice dagger.

"Good," Zoisite said as he dissolved the ice dagger. "Now, we're going out later, as soon as the room stops spinning." After saying that, Zoisite fell on the bell into another alcohol induced slumber. Kunzite tucked him under the covers and wondered when this phase would end. At least it was nowhere near as bad as Zoisite's brief Roller Derby phase, Kunzite thought as he left the room...

* * *

And even later...

As Kunzite and Nephrite fought over the remote, Zoisite came down the stairs and announced, "Come on, Kunzite. We're going out again."

While Kunzite and Zoisite teleported to Earth, Nephrite grabbed the remote and turned to the 24 Hour Beer channel. "Have fun you two!" Nephrite called. As far as he was concerned, the longer those two stayed away the better. And now he could catch up on his wine tasting...

* * *

"Now, where are we going?" Kunzite whined. Kunzite hated being on Earth; he would much rather spend his time at home alone with Zoisite.

"To a plastic surgeon," Zoisite said.

"Why? You're fine the way you are."

"I'm trying to see if surgery will help me accentuate my masculine characteristics."

"Y'know, I hear those penile implants can cause cancer..."

"I wasn't planning on getting the surgery there!"

"Oh." After that the two walked in silence till they reached the plastic surgeon's office.

* * *

The plastic surgeon was a odd looking man. His face seemed to have been lifted so many times that it had an bizarre, shiny, plastic quality to it. The muscles in his mouth were stressed out, so he was always smiling, even when he was unhappy. Basically, every part of this man's body had been tucked, sucked, trimmed, burned, lifted and sewn together, till he was practically another person - his face alone had been lifted so much that it was a wonder his feet were still on the ground. Bascially, he was his own best customer.

"Thank you Mr., ahh, Zoi Site is it?" the surgeon asked, looking at Kunzite.

"Uh, over here," Zoisite said. Kunzite just looked at his lover and wondered why he hadn't thought of a more clever alias.

"You?" Obviously the doctor had mistaken Zoisite as a woman. "Well, who's this then?" he pointed at Kunzite.

"That's Kunzite. He's uh, a friend of mine here for moral support."

"Sure, whatever." If it had been possible for him to do so, the surgeon would have frowned. "Anyway, down to business. What kind of surgery are you considering?"

"Something that will make me seem more masculine,"

"With my computer we'll be able to show you what you'd look like with plastic surgery," the surgeon replied, pointing to a picture of Zoisite on his screen. "Let's see. You'll want human growth hormones, testosterone injections, facial surgery, pectoral implants..." The surgeon kept on typing everything that he thought Zoisite would need. The picture of Zoisite kept morphing as the doctor typed. Zoisite and Kunzite just watched in fascination.

"There! Done!" The picture of Zoisite stopped morphing. "This is what you'll look like with plastic surgery. Kunzite and Zoisite both gasped.

"It's Nephrite!" Kunzite gasped. It was true. Zoisite's 'masculine' side was indeed Nephrite, according to the computer.

"Come on, Kunzite," Zoisite said in a huff. "I am not willing to pay 50 grand to look like Nephrite!"

"Does this mean I can't look forward to slicing up your forehead?" the surgeon asked in a distraught voice. Zoisite answered by slapping the door in his face.

* * *

Back in the Dark Kingdom...

Nephrite was drunk-again. This time he was dressed in a bowler hat and umbrella and singing the score to Mary Poppins.

"Gee, iz great t'be a Englishman!" he sang. So ingrossed in his song was he that Nephrite's umbrella accidentally hit a fissure in Jadeite's crystal. The umbrella hit with such force that the crystal shattered. Jadeite fell to the ground, bleeding from the cuts in his skin that the crystal slivers had caused.

"Oops," Nephrite giggled.

"Is there a doctor in the house?" Jadeite groaned before he passed out.

* * *

Meanwhile on Earth...

Kunzite could barely suppress his laughter. Zoisite was just fuming internally. "I hope you'll give up all this now."

Zoisite muttered something incoherent. "Shut up. I still haven't recovered from my hangover."

Kunzite just began to whistle, which made Zoisite even angrier. Suddenly he saw something that perked him up. Zoisite saw some guys about his own age playing American football in an adjacent park. To prove how tough he was to Kunzite he said, "I'm going to play American football, and there's nothing you can do to stop me."

Kunzite shrugged. "Suit yourself."

Zoisite ran over to the guys and said, in his toughest voice, "You need an extra guy?"

At first the guys thought that Zoisite was a woman. Then they noticed how flat chested Zoisite was and how his shoulders were rather broad for a female. As a joke, the toughest guy in the group said, "Yeah, sure. You're on they're the red team."

As Zoisite ran to join his teammates, the leader whisphered to him teammates, "Kick the little guy's ass."

Now it should be noted here that Zoisite had no idea how to play American football. True, he knew a bunch of guys threw around an oblong shaped ball, but that was it. Zoisite hated sports in general that didn't involve a major loss of life and limb. Since athletes in general were pretty stupid, Zoisite figured that American football would be easy to learn.

As soon as Zoisite saw the ball fly through the air, he tried to intercept it. Unfortunately, Zoisite missed and the ball hit him squaw in the nose, breaking it. Ordinarily, Zoisite would have started crying, swearing and making death threats, but he was trying to be tough, so he sucked it in. When the other guys saw that Zoisite wasn't crying or calling mercy, they decided to be as cruel as possible to him.

Again, the ball was hiked. As Zoisite tried to catch the ball, the other guys, regardless of their team affiliation, tackled Zoisite as hard as they could. Kunzite, who was watching behind a tree, just sighed.

As soon as the other guys got up, Zoisite staggered to his feet. Now in addition to having a broken, bloody nose, Zoisite sported numerous cuts and bruises as well as torn clothes. At to top it off, his hair was a mess. When Zoisite noticed the terrible state his hair was in, he became enraged. A devilish aura began to envelop the young man.

"Uh oh," Kunzite said. He had seen this before, so he teleported out of the vicinity until the danger passed. In the Dark Kingdom, the messing up of the hair was an invitation to death.

"You messed up my hair!" Zoisite spat out. "Now you all will die!"

All of the guys who had attacked Zoisite tried to run away, but it was in vain. In a few seconds, Zoisite set the entire park on fire, throwing fireballs like a mad man. When Kunzite teleported to what remained of the park, he saw a small figure emerging from the flames.

"Zoisite! Are you all right?" Kunzite cried.

"Of course I'm all right."

"I hope you've given up this whole 'masculine' thing."

"You bet! As a result of being masculine, my nose has been broken, I'm bruised, cut up, half sober, I haven't shaved my legs in ages, and to top it all off, my hair is a mess!"

"We can fix your appearance when we get home. C'mon, let's go!" Kunzite opened a doorway, and they both went through, leaving the fire department to deal with the blaze.

* * *

Back in the Dark Kingdom...

When Kunzite and Zoisite returned to their mansion, they were shocked to find that Jadeite had broken out of his crystal. He was very weak, but alive and reading a book. Fortunately, Nephrite had invoked a healing spell before Jadeite bled to death.

"What are you doing here?" Zoisite asked in a perplexed voice.

Jadeite looked at them in a bit a shock. "It seems strange to see you two with your clothes on."

Zoisite blushed deeply while Kunzite just said, "What do you mean by that?"

"I don't know if you knew this, but while I was in that crystal I could see and hear everything you were doing."

This revelation caused Zoisite to blush even more, and he tried to hide behind Kunzite. Kunzite, on the other hand was trying to figure out if he should kill Jadeite or not, since he definitely didn't want Jadeite to go blabbing about the stuff he'd seen in their bedroom.

"I wonder what the Dark Kingdom Inquirer would pay to find out what goes on inside Kunzite and Zoisite's bedroom?" Jadeite mused.

"You know Jadeite, if Queen Beryl finds out you're alive, she'll want to bring you back into her forces, turn you into a youma or worse."

Jadeite gulped. He hadn't thought of that. Since Beryl hadn't considered him a very useful member of her troops, he would probably be turned into a lowly youma.

"But there is a way to avoid this fate," Kunzite continued. "I'll hide you from Queen Beryl if you become my personal slave. If you do go to anyone with what you've seen, I'll personally terminate you."

Jadeite gritted his teeth. He didn't have much of a choice in this matter. Between being Kunzite's slave and being turned into a youma, he preferred the first choice. Of course this also meant being Zoisite's slave as well, and Jadeite knew how cruel Zoisite could be.

"I guess I have no choice," Jadeite sighed.

Kunzite conjured up a paper contract. "Good. Sign here. Here. Here. Here and here."

After Jadeite signed the contract, it disappeared and Kunzite grinned. "The paper you just signed prevents you from leaving this house without my or Zoisite's permission. It also prevents you from killing either one of us."

"I couldn't stand it if you died, Kunzite," Zoisite cried. This immediately led to the two making out and Jadeite turned away in disgust as he was fed up of watching those two.

"We'll be in our bedroom, Jadeite," Kunzite said. "Zoisite has had a traumatic day and after I heal his bruises and give him a bath we're going to bed."

"Have fun," Jadeite grumbled.

"While you fix us dinner, clean the gutter, Jed," Zoisite called as he and Kunzite teleported away.

Jadeite stepped over Nephrite's unconscious figure that was lying on the floor in a pool of questionable liquid before he teleported to the roof.

"Mommy, let me sleep some more," Nephrite grumbled.

* * *

As Jadeite cleaned the gutters, he wondered how some of this stuff had gotten there. He had already found Jimmy Hoffa, a rare Honus Wagner baseball card, a 1958 Edsel, and several dead youma. This would take forever. To make matters worse, he could hear someone moaning stuff like, "Deeper, deeper, Kunzite-sama!" and "Touch me there, Kunzite-sama!"

It was times like these that made Jadeite wonder if he was being punished for something in a past life...

The End of Episode 4 - Goto Episode 5

Next Episode: A Road Trip! Jadeite in the Real World!

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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