The (Un)Real World

Episode 5: A Road Trip! Jadeite in the Real World!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku


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Author's Note:

This doesn't really have a definite plot, but if you like stories about being held up circus midgets and chain saw wielding maniacs, then you won't be disappointed.


Can four guys with evil, malevolent powers live together in the same house without killing each other? Find out in...


The (Un)Real World

Episode 5: A Road Trip! Jadeite in the Real World!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

Jadeite! The mental summon from Zoisite cut through Jadeite's concentration as he lounged on the couch in the living room. Jadeite grimaced as he teleported away, irritated that his brief rest was interrupted. He wondered what sort of task Kunzite and Zoisite wanted him to do. He hoped that he wouldn't have to move Kunzite's brick collection from the basement to the attic again...

* * *

Jadeite reappeared in Kunzite and Zoisite's bedroom. As one could expect, both men were naked (yes, there were sheets for all you hentai folk out there). Zoisite clung devotedly to Kunzite's middle and had two big hearts in his eyes. "What do you want this time?" Jadeite asked in a stressed out voice.

"We want some ice cream," Kunzite said in an icy voice.

"Any special orders?" Jadeite asked, voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Yes," Zoisite piped up. "I want Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Ice Cream. Only Hagen Daz will do of course."

"Do you know how much that costs?! It's about $10 for one little tub of that stuff."

"Here," Kunzite shoved a handful of money in Jadeite's hand. "Now get out of here and get our ice cream."

"No problem," Jadeite said as he teleported away. "I've spent more than enough time in your bedroom than I care to."

* * *

On Earth...

Jadeite wandered around aimlessly until he found a place that sold Hagen Daz (you can't find it just anywhere). Much to his surprise, the ice cream was at an all night Seven Eleven rather than any of the supermarkets. Since Jadeite wanted to get home ASAP, he went up to a refrigerator and got the ice cream. Just as he was paying for the ice cream, two masked men with guns burst into the store.

"O.K. everyone! Hands up!" one of the robbers yelled.

As Jadeite had no intention of getting his head blown off, he complied with the robbers demands along with the other patrons. The robbers quickly ran over to the cash register and put all the money in a sack. Suddenly one of the bandits grabbed Jadeite's hands and bound them behind his back. Jadeite was too shocked to invoke his powers or defend himself, and he soon found himself being dragged into the getaway car. He was unable to escape as the two holdup men were sitting near the doors and Jadeite was in the middle of the back seat.

"It's all right now, guys," the man at the wheel said to his accomplices. "Take off your masks now."

Now that Jadeite had a good look at the robbers, he was rather dismayed that he hadn't disarmed them in the convenience store. The three robbers - the two who held up the store and the getaway car driver - were all circus midgets, not one over four feet tall. They seemed to have recently escaped from the circus as they were all garbed in bright, colorful clothing, which included clown noses, big, floppy shoes, and heavy clown makeup. Jadeite also suddenly realized that the getaway car was one of those little clown cars that's about three feet high.

Once Jadeite could compose himself, he shouted, "Why'd you kidnap me?"

The midget to his right just shrugged and said, "Call it an impulses."

"We've taken to robbing convenience stores now that we've been canned," the midget to Jadeite's left said.

"The circus fired all us midgets," the other said. "They say it's not PC anymore."

"What don't you all get normal jobs then?" Jadeite asked.

"We've all been in the circus all our lives," the getaway car driver said. "We don't know how to do anything else."

"This is nuts," Jadeite said.

Suddenly the car screeched to a halt. "Are you disrespecting us because of our small heights?" the midget on Jadeite's right said. "Are you in fact not taking your role as a hostage seriously because we are all under 4 feet tall?"

"No! It's just..."

"Well fine! We can take a hint!" the driver said. "You are unworthy to be our hostage! We'll just find someone more appreciative."

And with that, both of the midgets who were in the back seat pushed Jadeite out of the clown car and speed off in search of more cheap thrills.

* * *

When Jadeite came to, he realized that his hands were still tied behind his back, but at least he still had his ice cream, which was in a plastic bag that was situated on his shoulder. However, since the renegade circus midgets hadn't tied his hands very well, he soon freed himself. It was then that Jadeite realized that he was lost. Because he was too stupid to remember that he could teleport, Jadeite just began to wander around the highway trying to hitchhike.

* * *

Eventually, Jadeite came to what appeared to be a funeral parlor. Judging from the number of cars out front, there seemed to be a ceremony in process. He looked at the sign, which read Bearded Lady Funeral Parlor and Burlesques House. Jadeite's eyes lit up after reading the word 'burlesques'.

"Great! I can kill time by looking at the naked chicks!" he shouted as he ran through the door of the establishment. Before he could ogle any of the girls though, he was stopped by the doorman. In keeping with the theme of the place, the doorman had two heads, one with blond hair, the other with brown hair.

"Are you here for the Joe Montgomery funeral?" the blond head said.

"If not, we're going to ask you to leave," the brown haired head replied.

"Uh, yeah," Jadeite said. "Joe and me were like this. I've come to pay my last respects to him."

"Well, then proceed," both heads said simultaneously.

Just out of curiosity, Jadeite decided to attend the funeral before seeing the strippers. He snuck in through a door just as the minister started reading the eulogy and sat beside some crying mourners, one of which was obviously Joe's mother.

"Joe Montgomery was a good kid," the minister began (insert loud wail from mother). "But his only flaw was wanting to be a circus freak. But poor Joe, had no freakish talent such as sword swallowing or fire breathing to give to the world. So he began on a search to find a freakish talent so he could belong to that elite group of people known as 'carnies'. Joe's life tragically ended when he snuck into a post office so he could set the world record for licking envelopes. In his desperate attempt at immortality, Joe fell into a vat of mail and got a million paper cuts. Too weak to move, Joe was unable to get out of the vat. When the postal workers came and found him, they laughed so hard at Joe that they forgot to call the ambulance and he died of bleeding resulting from a million paper cuts."

This was all too much for Mrs. Montgomery, and she flung herself in Jadeite's arms, wailing at the top of her lungs. A small sweat drop appeared on Jadeite's forehead. "Uh, there, there, ma'am." was all he managed to say.

Not wishing to hear anymore about Joe Montgomery, would be circus freak, Jadeite sneaked out and went to the adjacent burlesques parlor. Upon seeing the scantily clad females in the parlor, Jadeite grinned. It had been quite awhile since he had had time to loosen up...

* * *

Sometime much later...

Jadeite staggered from the Bearded Lady Funeral Parlor and Burlesques House and into the streets of the town. He had spent the entire evening in this establishment, drinking booze and ogling the strippers and was now incredibly drunk. He still had the ice cream, though it had melted a long time ago. It was now night, and very dark, which didn't help Jadeite's drunken state any. As usual, he was too stupid to teleport home so he just kept blundering around in the dark.

Jadeite grinned stupidly as he thought of 'Bambi', a voluptuous stripper that had caught his gaze earlier. It made him wish that there were more women in the Dark Kingdom. He sighed. Maybe he should permanently relocate to Earth...

But before Jadeite could follow this train of thought, a large 18 wheeler truck pulled up beside him. The driver of the truck had a demonic looking eye (the other eye was obviously glass), dirty clothes, a hockey mask, an orange hat that read Truck Drivers Do It Better, and wisps of whitish yellow hair that peaked out of the hat.

"You need a lift, boy?" the driver snarled, showing his yellow teeth that showed through the mask.

"Oh, thanks a lot, sir!" Jadeite grinned as he got into the truck, unaware of his impending danger.

"You come by this road a lot, boy?"

"Nope, this is my first time here," Jadeite slurred.

" Where you going?"

"Just anywhere."

Suddenly the truck came to a screeching halt. "Hey, what's going on?" Jadeite demanded.

"You're not going anywhere!" the truck driver yelled as he pulled out a large chain saw.

"Aaaaaahh!" Jadeite screamed, as he tried to open the passenger side door.

"We're going to have some fun now!"

"Aaaaaaaaaaaahh!!!!" Jadeite managed to open the door just in time and began running as fast as he could. Since he was from the Dark Kingdom, he was able to run much faster than any human, fortunately for him.

When the demon truck driver saw Jadeite disappear in the dark night, he grumbled, "Damn! Now I'll have to go find another one!" And with that he reentered his truck and drove off in search of fresh prey.

Jadeite didn't stop running for more than twenty minutes. He wanted to make sure the chain saw wielding maniac was far behind him. On the plus side, he had been scared into sobriety though. Jadeite puffed and leaned against a sign. He looked up at the sign and a slow grin spread across his face. The sign said You are now entering Las Vegas. Great! Now he could see some more naked chicks!

* * *

As he was walking through the neon lit streets of Las Vegas, Jadeite wondered where to go first. So he just walked into the first casino he saw, The Goldenc Wishbone (Yeah, it's not a real casino, but who cares?).

Jadeite was fascinated by what he saw. The casino was lit up by bright lights, bars at every turn, scantily clad females danced on a stage, and lots of interesting gambling table were everywhere. Jadeite made a mental note to ask Queen Beryl to build some of these casino things in the Dark Kingdom. Jadeite was about to get some chips to play poker, when he realized that he didn't have any more money. He sighed and sat on some steps. Here he was, practically in heaven-booze, chicks and gambling all around him and he was broke. It was so unfair.

Jadeite was about to leave, in despair when he noticed a quarter on the ground. He shrugged and decided he might as well try his luck at the slot machines. He put the quarter into the one armed bandit and pulled the lever. The little windows spun around until they displayed three sevens. Suddenly bells and whistles went off in the casino and quarters began pouring out of the one armed bandit. Everybody began cheering at Jadeite. Men shook his hand and slapped him on the back, saying he'd won something called a 'jackpot'. Women with unusually large breasts began hugging and kissing him. Tears began streaming down Jadeite's face. "Thank you! Thank you for your support!"

* * *

Back in the Dark Kingdom...

Zoisite was furiously pacing around the bedroom (still naked) like a hungry tiger. "Where is he??? He's been gone all night!"

Kunzite sighed. "You asked for Hagen Daz, Zoey. He's probably having trouble finding it."

Zoisite furiously looked at his lover. "No ice cream could be that hard to find!"

Just as Kunzite was about to respond, Jadeite reappeared with two bags. One contained the melted container of ice cream. The other contained the bag of money that he had won at the Golden Wishbone casino. Zoisite stormed over to Jadeite.

"Where the hell have you been???!!!" he screamed.

"Put your clothes back on," Jadeite grumbled. He had long since tired of seeing Zoisite naked. Kunzite conjured up a bathrobe to cover up Zoisite. Zoisite grabbed the bag with the ice cream in it. When he saw that it was all melted, Zoisite became enraged and poured the contents of the container onto Jadeite's head.

"It's melted!" Zoisite sobbed, as he threw himself into Kunzite's arms.

"Where were you this whole time?" Kunzite said icily as he tried to calm down Zoisite.

Jadeite began to tell the story about how he had been kidnapped by circus midgets, went to a funeral, nearly been killed by a chain saw maniac, and won half a million dollars at Golden Wishbone casino. To prove his story, he showed the two the money he had won.

"You expect us to believe that?" Kunzite snorted. "You probably just went to the casino, got drunk watching the dancers, and won by freak accident." Using his telekinetic powers, Kunzite took the money Jadeite had won at the casino.

"I'll be taking that, if you don't mind. You're a disgrace to the Dark Kingdom," Kunzite sneered. "Can't even pick up a tub of ice cream without being lured away by naked women."

"I'm so glad you're not like that, Kunzite," Zoisite said in a sexy voice.

Kunzite smiled at Zoisite before saying to Jadeite, "Now go to my personal library and organize the books by the number of words, including forward, preface, index, table of contents, dedication page, and title page. Large print can be deceiving."

Before Jadeite could respond, Kunzite transported him to the library, so he and Zoisite could amuse themselves with things best left to the imagination. As Jadeite counted the number words in Volume One of Nicholas Nickleby by Charles Dickens, he wondered if maybe he was better off with the crazed midgets in the clown car or the chain saw maniac.

The End of Episode 5 - Goto Episode 6


Next Episode: I Wanna be Famous! Zoisite Becomes an Idol!


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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