The (Un)Real World

Episode 6: I Wanna be Famous! Zoisite Becomes an Idol!


A Sordid Tale of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll

(May not be Completly True)

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

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Can four guys with evil, malevolent powers live together in the same house without killing each other? Find out in...

The (Un)Real World

Episode 6: I Wanna be Famous! Zoisite Becomes an Idol!


A Sordid Tale of Sex, Drugs, and Rock and Roll

(May not be Completly True)

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

It was a relatively unusual day for the Four Kings; for a change they weren't involved in their favorite pastimes and were actually working. Kunzite and Zoisite weren't in the sack and Nephrite wasn't getting drunk in his room/closet. All three of them were searching for the ginzuishou, but Kunzite and Zoisite didn't know that Nephrite was searching and vice versa. Jadeite had come with Kunzite and Zoisite, so he could carry all the stuff Zoisite bought as they were searching. But he would have come anyway - if they did find the ginzuishou he maybe could use it against his captors and be free.

"I don't see why we never thought of this before, Kunzite," Zoisite said as they walked through a jewelry store. "Where else could this stupid crystal be but hiding inconspicuously in a jewelry store?"

Kunzite didn't answer, but rather examined the selection of large diamonds in front of him. Could any of these be the ginzuishou Queen Beryl so desperately wanted?

Unbeknownst to Kunzite and Zoisite, Nephrite as Sanjouin Masato was in a different wing of the store searching for the ginzuishou. He had to fight hard to ignore the amorous gazes of the female patrons of the store. I'm not here to flirt, Nephrite told himself. This is strictly a business trip.

As he strode through the store examining the jewelry he noticed a girl of extraordinary beauty looking at some diamonds. Damn! What a hottie! Nephrite thought to himself. He strode over to the girl and said in a suave voice, "I see you're looking at some diamonds, my pretty young maiden."

The pretty girl turned around and said in an annoyed voice, "What the hell are you talking about, Nephrite?"

Nephrite immediately became super deformed and his entire face was covered by a giant sweat drop. The 'beautiful girl' was actually Zoisite (bet you saw that coming a mile away). Nephrite naturally began screaming out stuff like, "You two are paying for my therapy!" Kunzite and Zoisite just shook their heads. "Try to ignore him," Kunzite whispered.

Of course this entire scene had attracted the attention of more than a few people. One of these people was a Tokyo TV and record producer, Tezuka Sochiro. He began to have a marketed interest in Zoisite. He was just the kind of young blood he needed for his company. As of late poor Tezuka hadn't been doing too well business wise. He last few musical acts which had included The Horny Toads, Nekkid Chiks, and Hindenburg Explosion Ironic Festival had all been failures. His television ventures which had included the smash bomb, Kung Fu House Party had been equal failures. Tezuka was willing to sign almost anything up, and that included our resident gender mystery, Zoisite.

As Nephrite continued his tirade of why he would one day kill Kunzite and Zoisite, Tezuka came over to Zoisite. "Don't move!" he commanded Zoisite.

Zoisite braced himself for attack, but was mildly disappointed when he saw that it was Tezuka and not Nephrite about to attack him. From his physical appearance, nothing gave Tezuka a threatening appearance. He was about 5 foot 7 inches and his straight black hair had blond accents in it. Zoisite couldn't see Tezuka's eyes because he was wearing rose colored sunglasses even though they were inside. To complete his strange appearance, Tezuka wore a puce colored double breasted suit and a black Hawaiian style shirt with red roses on it.

"Who are you?" Zoisite asked suspiciously.

"I am the man, who will change your life!"

"Excuse me sir, but I'm already involved with someone."

"No, no! Not in that aspect. I want you to come to my studio for an audition."

"What kind of audition?"

"An audition to make you an idol."

"An idol?" Big stars formed in Zoisite's eyes. Kunzite, who had been silently watching all this, frowned. He thought this was a bad idea. Kunzite was very informed of the harsh realities of the idol business, having seen every episode of the anime series, Key the Metal Idol (and we all know how reality based that series is). Jadeite on the other hand, was still looking for the ginzuishou, hoping to use it's powers to get revenge on everyone who'd wronged him.

"Now listen here," Kunzite said in a gruff voice. "Are you some kind of kinko?"

"No! Of course not!" Tezuka protested. "I'm a totally legit producer."

"Prove it!"

A small sweat drop formed on Tezuka's forehead. He had hoped that it wouldn't come to this... "Do you remember the TV show, Kung Fu House Party?"

A broad grin spread across Kunzite's face. "You were the one who produced that?!!! That's was the lamest show I've every seen! A guy who produces a piece of crap like that must be harmless."

A larger sweat drop enveloped the producer's face as he handed Zoisite his business card. "Just visit the studio tomorrow at 2:00..."

* * *

Back in the Dark Kingdom...

"I can't believe it!" Zoisite gushed. "I'm going to be an idol singer! My dream is finally coming true. Well almost." He then looked at Nephrite with a look that said, My real dream is to have you laid out on the slab.

"Not so fast, peewee," Nephrite interrupted. "You haven't been signed to a contract or anything. Until then, you're just a wannabe!"

Zoisite gave Nephrite a murderous look for the insult on his height. "Just you wait Nephrite..."

Kunzite wisely came up from behind Zoisite and held him in a tight embrace, thus immediately calming him down. "By the way, Nephrite. When's your house supposed to be fixed?"

Nephrite shrugged as he took a sip of the wine he was drinking. "I have no idea, but believe me, I want to get out of this nut house as soon as possible."

"This should be a warning for you not to get drunk, Nephrite," Zoisite smirked.

This time it was Nephrite's turn to glare angrily. Zoisite just laughed and stuck out his tongue. Nephrite grumbled and wondered if work on his mansion was being stalled on purpose...

* * *

The next day...

When Zoisite arrived at the Tezuka Record and Television Production Company, Tezuka asked, "Why did you bring your entourage?"

Zoisite's entourage consisted of Kunzite (there for moral support), Nephrite (there to heckle Zoisite and make him fail), and Jadeite (there to fetch the other kings cold beverages and snacks if they wanted them). "Yeah, well. They're just hear for the ride. Let's get the show on the road."

"Right," Tezuka asked. "Just sing me something. Anything."

Zoisite then began to sing the first song off the top of his head, "Row, Row, Row, Your Boat". He didn't get past the "gently down the stream" part before Tezuka shouted, "Ohmigod! That's it! That's the voice this company needs!" He whipped out a contract. "Sign here, miss, uh, didn't catch your name."

"Um, it's Zoi Site (cut to picture of Kunzite slapping himself in the head that Zoisite used the same lame alias). And it's Mister."

"You're a guy?" the producer seemed mildly surprised. "Well, no matter. The androgynous male is in these days. Am I right?"

Tezuka then turned to his diminutive assistant (who bore a striking resemblance to Tattoo from Fantasy Island) for his opinion. "Yeah. Whatever," the assistant said in a nonchalant voice as he read the latest issue of Shonen Jump.

Nephrite was grumbling that Zoisite was successful in his audition. Jadeite was grumbling that he was stuck in this servile position. Kunzite was grumbling that he and Zoisite weren't currently in bed.

"Okay, now sign here, here and here. Thank you! We here look forward to doing business with you!"

"Thank you!" Zoisite replied. "You won't regret this!"

"Oh, I know I won't," Tezuka said in a smug voice (if this was a Warner Brother's Cartoon, little devil horns would be sprouting out of Tezuka's head). Kunzite's suspicions began to arose. "And you Mr. uhhh (he pointed at Kunzite) could you stay here?"

As Jadeite, Nephrite and Zoisite left to go back to the Dark Kingdom Kunzite lingered around to talk to. Tezuka. "I get the impression that you and Mr. Ite are - how do you said it? - 'involved' in some manner?"

"Yeah. What's it to you?"

"I want you to stay away from Zoi Site. At least in public anyway."

"Huh? Why?"

Tezuka laughed. "Well they're going to be a lot of people - men and women - who're going to want to sleep with him, and frankly we want them to think they can. If you care anything about his career, you'll stay away."

Kunzite grumbled something inaudible as he left the office. Since both Kunzite and Zoisite both loved to show their 'forbidden love' as publicly as possible, this was going to be very difficult for Kunzite. Frankly, Kunzite still didn't trust Tezuka at all, and dwelling on his vast knowledge of the idol industry from his Key the Metal Idol tapes, Kunzite decided to keep all comments to himself.

"Nice to have your cooperation, sir!" Tezuka said in mocking voice.

* * *

The next day...

"Kunzite!" Queen Beryl screeched at the top of her lungs.

Kunzite knew better than to stall when his queen spoke in that tone of voice, so he teleported to her throne room as soon as possible. "You called, My Queen?"

"Where is that lazy student of yours? I haven't seen him in ages! He's supposed to be looking for the ginzuishou! He better not be getting his legs waxed again, or else I'll put him in Eternal Sleep!"

"You need not worry, My Queen," Kunzite assured. "Zoisite has been spending a lot of time in a place in the Earth called 'Tokyo', which we have determined is for certain to be the place where the ginzuishou resides. However, the city of Tokyo has more than 8 million people residing in it, and is a mecha for commercial business. I beg your Highness for more patience."

"I hope you're right!" Beryl said in a very scary voice. "Dismissed!"

When Kunzite arrived in his room, he was glad that that was over. If Beryl found out that he had lied to her, he'd be the one in Eternal Sleep. Well it wasn't really a lie since Zoisite was in Tokyo, but he wasn't exactly looking for the ginzuishou...

* * *

Meanwhile in Tokyo...

Nephrite and Jadeite were both bored out of their skulls. They were at Tezuka's studio watching Zoisite do publicity shots. Kunzite had demanded that they follow Zoisite to ensure that no other men (or women for that matter) tried to seduce him. Since both Jadeite and Nephrite were straight, Kunzite felt confident enough to leave his Zoi-chan in their not so capable hands.

For the photo shoot Zoisite was clad in what would be his signature clothing: tight leather pants with gaudy sequins like the kind rock stars wear, and a white shirt that was completely unbuttoned and was rather large, which purposely hid Zoisite's delicate frame. He also wasn't wearing any shoes which was part of his 'look'. Zoisite shot a look at Nephrite that said, Aren't you jealous of me?

Nephrite shot back with an angry look and then turned his back on his enemy. Spending his time baby sitting Kunzite's bed toy wasn't his idea of a good time. If he had his way, he'd be in his mansion, sipping wine, reading fine literature, and relaxing in front of a fire. He wondered why a man of the world like him was always getting in these stupid situations.

"O.K., Zoi-boy (that was his new name as an idol)!" Tezuka said. "Catch!"

He threw Zoisite a gym sock. "What's this for?" Zoisite asked when he caught it.

"Put it in your pants."

"What for?"

"It'll drive the girls wild."

Zoisite could care less about the opinions of female population of the world, but he just shrugged and complied with this request (he didn't know it, but the sock in the pants would become Zoi-boy's signature like Michael Jackson's glove). Jadeite looked at this with amusement. The sock in his pants had defiantly brought out his few masculine traits. With this important adjustment done, the photo shoot began.

"O.K. baby! You're feeling sad! You're a puppy who's just been scolded for not going on the paper (Zoisite does one of his trademark pouts)! Now you're feeling superior. You just saw your worst enemy hit by a bus (Zoisite grins and thinks of Nephrite being hit by a double decker bus which is then in turn hit by a meteorite)! Now you're angry! Pretend your favorite TV show was canceled... and replaced with reruns of She's the Sheriff (Zoisite puts on a ugly scowl at the mere thought of his pro-wrestling shows being replaced by such a travesty as She's the Sheriff). Oh yeah! You're looking good baby!"

Nephrite and Jadeite both just sighed and hoped that his idol career would bomb quickly...

* * *

Tezuka Studios soon waged a massive advertising campaign to showcase their newest star. Giant posters of Zoisite appeared all over Tokyo, on buses, billboards, magazines, etc. It was driving all of the girls crazy, but Nephrite hated it. Every time he was to go into Tokyo to look for the ginzuishou as Sanjouin Masato, Zoisite was there, staring at him. It was eerie.

He went into a coffee house to calm his shattered nerves by taking in some large doses of caffeine. "Ahh," he said, as he sipped the warm brew. "This is the life!"

Nephrite casually picked up a magazine a idly began flipping through, when he accidentally landed on a page that had Zoisite photo. "Aaaaaaah!" Nephrite screamed, spilling the hot coffee all over his new Armani suit.

"Why must you keep following me around like this?!" he demanded to the picture. "I'm going mad!" With that, he ran out of the coffee house, screaming at the top of his lungs.

"Who's that?" a customer said after Nephrite left.

"It's that Sanjouin Masato guy. I hear he's a rich drunk..."

Nephrite's reputation was not going very well.

* * *

The next day...

It was to be Zoi-boy's first concert. For some reason, the studio was having a concert before the release of the album. Probably to increase sales, I guess. The stadium was crowded with lots of screaming girls, saying stuff like,

"I love you, Zoi-Boy!"

"I want to marry you, Zoi-Boy!"

"I want to have you're child, Zoi-boy!"

Needless to say, for the gynophobic Zoisite, this was all very frightening.

"I don't want to go, Kunzite!" he said a few minutes before the concert was to begin. "There're girls out there!"

"Who did you think would be coming to the concert?" Kunzite asked.

Just as expected, Zoisite answered, "Cute guys."

Kunzite just sweat dropped.

"Cheer up," Nephrite said (he had come to heckle Zoisite as one would expect). "Maybe you'll be booed off stage."

This caused Zoisite to start crying uncontrollably and Nephrite just laughed. Kunzite gave Nephrite an icy look before shoving Zoisite out onto the stage. "Break a leg!" Nephrite yelled.

Zoisite froze as he saw all the girls out in the audience screaming his name. He wished he was back at home, preferably in bed with Kunzite. But the last thing he wanted was to have Nephrite have the last laugh, so he cleared his voice and began to sing. The song he was singing was "Puppy Love" which had originally been recorded by Paul Anka. Zoisite wasn't allowed to write his own songs because all the songs he wrote about were either about death and destruction, cross dressing, or having sex with Kunzite. He hated singing such lightweight songs, but he had no choice.

The girls all went wild. Three minutes into the concert, the girls stormed the stage, despite the police barricades, and began to manhandle Zoisite. Much to Zoisite's disgust and horror, all the mob began tearing his clothes off and touching him in rather improper areas. One girl triumphantly yelled out, "I got the sock (meaning the one in his pants as he wasn't wearing in on his feet)!"

The other girls, jealous of such a prize, began fighting over the sock. While the mob was arguing, Zoisite managed to teleport away with Kunzite and Nephrite (Jadeite had been at home cleaning the hair out of the shower drain).

* * *

It was like this for weeks. Three minutes into every concert Zoisite did, he was stripped naked by the crowd. The goal of each of the mob participants was to get the sock in Zoisite's pants, though for many just getting a piece of his underwear or shirt was good too. As one would expect, this was very damaging for Zoisite's psyche. Nephrite was delighted to see Zoisite in so much pain, even though he was jealous that girls weren't stripping him naked.

One day Nephrite found Zoisite huddled in a corner shaking. "Are they gone yet?" he moaned.

"No, they're all at outside the door. Should I let them in?"

"Aaaaaaah!" Zoisite screamed, and he ran into a closet and locked himself in.

Nephrite snickered in delight. Kunzite, who was watching the scene, gave Nephrite an icy look before tersely saying, "I'm going to Earth on business." He quickly teleported away.

Nephrite just shook his head and continued to tease Zoisite. "Hey, Zoisite! There's a girl here who's hot for your body!"

"Aaaaaaaah!" Zoisite fainted in the closet from sheer stress and Nephrite laughed again.

* * *

Kunzite reappeared at Teuzka's studio. When he caught up with Tezuka, he was listening to the demo tape for his new super star, Otto von Hasenpfeffer, the world's only paraplegic yodler. "I want to talk to you," Kunzite said in his quick, icy, terse manner. To emphasize his importance, he swirled his long cape. Tezuka was unimpressed.

"About what?" Tezuka pretended to be innocent.

"Being continually attacked by all those girls has caused him to become a crazed neurotic. Plus it's totally screwed up our sex life. We haven't done it in almost a week!"

"It happens to all the idols," Tezuka replied casually.

"Release Zoisite from his contract, now!" It was not a request. It was a command.

"Sorry! No can do. According to this contract, Zoi has to work for me until he dies or becomes unpopular. Whichever one comes first. But this should help his mental situation." He gave Kunzite a small bottle.

"What's this?"

"A mixture of ritilin and prozac!"

"If it doesn't work, I'll kill you!" Kunzite threatened as he left. Tezuka laughed. He didn't take the threat seriously, which was a huge mistake.

* * *

Back in the Dark Kingdom...

Nephrite and Jadeite were now both teasing Zoisite. "Hey Zoisite!" Nephrite jeered. "The girls wanna know if you wear boxers or briefs! Or are you wearing lingerie today?"

"There's a girl outside that wants you to autograph the sock she stole last week," Jadeite sneered. "You won't disappoint her, will you?"

Of course there were no girls around, but Zoisite had already gone into shock anyway. Kunzite reappeared and roughly pushed both Nephrite and Jadeite away. He opened the door to the closet and dragged Zoisite out (who was much relieved that there were in fact no girls outside). "Take this, Zoisite. This'll make you feel better."

Kunzite gave the ritilin/prozac mixture to Zoisite, who then swallowed a couple of pills. He had hoped that this would turn Zoisite back to his chipper self but this was not the case. However instead of curing Zoisite's neurotic problems, it caused him to turn into a stoned zombie.

Kunzite frowned. "Are you okay?" He waved his hand in front of Zoisite's glazed over eyes.

"Yes, Kunzite," Zoisite replied in a monotone voice. "I've never felt better," He then gave Kunzite a rather scary half smile. It was so scary it even scared Kunzite.

"Gyaah!" Kunzite yelled, jumping back.

"Whoa, he looks even scarier than usual!" Nephrite said.

"What is that stuff?" Jadeite asked.

"I should have known better than to trust that sleazy producer over my Key the Metal Idol tapes! Now I take revenge!"

Kunzite's eyes glowed a disturbing light blue as he teleported away.

"Man, someone's gonna get their ass kicked now!" Jadeite said.

"I've never felt better in my life," Zoisite reiterated to no one.

* * *

Kunzite teleported to Earth with blood on his mind. He teleported to the parking lot of the Tezuka's studio, and mentally blew up the studio. He watched with a grim satisfaction as a mushroom cloud formed over the inferno and fire trucks rushed to fight the blaze.

"Zoisite, you have been avenged."

* * *

The next day...

Zoisite was more or less his former self now, though he was taking it easy now, which meant that he was getting Jadeite to do all his stuff for him.

"Yo Jadeite!" He yelled. "I want you to check out these places where I think the ginzuishou might be," Jadeite sweat dropped when he noticed the list was ten feet long. Zoisite wasn't worried that Jadeite might betray him as he knew Kunzite would kill Jadeite as soon as it was found.

"Yes, Zoisite," Jadeite grumbled.

"Yes, Zoisite, what?"

Jadeite gave a deep sigh. "Yes, Zoisite, Emperor of the Galaxy, greatest King in the Dark Kingdom, next to the great Kunzite-sama, and Most Excellent Cross Dresser Ever"

"You didn't say the last part."

"I don't want to!"

"Say it!"

"And the most beautiful guy in the world, whom all the others guys lust for. There! I said it! Are you happy!"

"Yes. Dismissed."

Jadeite grumbled away, thinking how if he did find this crystal, he wouldn't hesitate to use it against his captors.

Kunzite came over to Zoisite and said, "I hoped you learned something from all this idol crap."

"You bet!"

"That the idol business is exploitive, harsh, cruel, and only uses you for your looks?"

"No way! I learned that all females suck! If it hadn't been for all those stupid girls, I could have been a respectable musician!"

A tiny sweat drop appeared on Kunzite's forehead. "So you really didn't learn anything at all?"

"I guess this is a moronic ending, huh Kunzite?"

"I think you mean ironic,"

"No, I think I was right the first time,"

* * *


Queen Beryl excitedly picked up the CD she had requested a youma purchase for her. It had a picture of a guy in a white shirt that was completely unbuttoned, tight pants with sequins (with a sock in it), and long, flowing hair in a pony tail.

"Zoi-boy is so hot!" she squealed in excitement. "I wonder why does he look so familiar though..."

The End of Episode 6 - Goto Episode 7

Next Episode: Red Concrete! Kunzite learns how to Drive!

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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