The (Un)Real World

Episode 7: Red Concrete! Kunzite Learns How to Drive!


Faster Kunzite! Kill! Kill!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

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Author's Note:

I don't know how to drive yet (my parents say I'm too hyper) so if some of the technical stuff in here is wrong, forgive me. But then again it's not like these stories are supposed to be mirrors of real life to begin with.

Can four guys with evil, malevolent powers live together in the same house without killing each other? Find out in...

The (Un)Real World

Episode 7: Red Concrete! Kunzite Learns How to Drive!


Faster Kunzite! Kill! Kill!

© 1998 by Ace Otaku

Kunzite lounged around on the couch in his living room watching a program called Knight Rider. It starred a guy called David Hasselhoff going around in a really cool car that talked. Wow! Kunzite thought. David Hasselhoff is really cool! Not as cool as me though.

Kunzite suddenly wished that he could ride around in a souped up car having adventures with Zoisite. He would be wearing a white suit like the kind the Miami Vice guy wore and sunglasses. They would drive around the Dark Kingdom playing You Really Got Me by Van Halen and it would be just like that Nissan commercial. Except for the fact that they weren't action figures. Of course there were no roads in the Dark Kingdom, but that was a minor technicality.

Suddenly his daydream was interrupted by a very loud TV commercial for a car. "SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! BUY THE SUPER DUPER SEX APPEALMOBILE! YOU NEED IT! YOU WANT IT! YOU HAVE TO HAVE IT! BUY IT NOW! NOW! NOW!"

Since for some reason, car ads are always really loud, Kunzite temporarily lost his hearing. Once it came back though, he knew what he had to do. He teleported away to Earth to chose a car fitting of his position.

* * *

When Kunzite returned to the Dark Kingdom some time later, he had purchased a 1998 Black Mustang Convertible. After conjuring up a garage to store it in, Kunzite set to work in customizing it. On the hood of the car, he conjured up a decal that said 'Kunzite' in electric blue Roman lettering. Kunzite thought for a minute, then grinned and conjured another decal, this one of Zoisite in drag. Lastly, Kunzite conjured a pair of fuzzy dice hung from the rear view mirror.

"Perfect!" Kunzite grinned, as he examined his handiwork. He was just about to take his new car for a spin in Earth, when he remembered something.

"Crap! I don't know how to drive!" Kunzite grumbled. Kunzite's need to learn how to drive wasn't so much for not wishing to injure pedestrians (as far as Kunzite was concerned, the Earth people were only good for harvesting energy from) but he didn't want to somehow injure Zoisite as not only was he really sweet but it was hard to find boys that looked so good in drag.

Kunzite furrowed in brow in frustration. Suddenly, a light bulb appeared above his head as he remembered that Nephrite owned a car. Surely Nephrite could teach him how to drive. And if he refused, he could always kill him or threaten him with death. Kunzite laughed villainously at his own cunning.

* * *

Kunzite teleported to his living room where the other Kings were. Zoisite and Nephrite were both arguing over the remote. Zoisite wanted to watch pro-wrestling. Nephrite wanted to watch the Miss U-Haul pageant. Jadeite, on the other hand, was cleaning the black marble floor with a toothbrush.

"Why do you want to watch those stupid chicks, Nephrite? Stone Cold Steve Austin is wrestling against the Undertaker tonight!"

"Watch a bunch of hot women or steroid induced cartoon men faking fighting? Gee tough choice!"

"I hate chicks!"

"Tough!" Nephrite stuck his tongue out at Zoisite and tightly held him down on the couch, while Zoisite angrily swore at him.

"Stop your petty bickering!" Kunzite commanded as his eyes turned icy blue. The two suddenly stopped, in awe.

"Nephrite!" Kunzite said tersely.

"What?" Nephrite grumbled.

"I have recently purchased an automobile from the Earth Realm, but it appears that I will need some instruction in its operation. I am demanding you show me how to drive it."

Zoisite, being the mature adult that he was, immediately got up and began jumping around screaming, "We have a car? We have a car! WE HAVE A CAR! WE HAVE A CAR!!!!!!!!!"

After the other Kings stopped sweat dropping, Nephrite whined, "Why? I have a life, too, y'know!"

"A life that consists of getting drunk," Zoisite snickered after he stopped skipping around.

"It was a demand, not a request," Kunzite said darkly.

"Well, okay, but only because I don't have anything else to do," Nephrite claimed. Actually Nephrite was very much afraid of Kunzite, but he didn't want to appear weak, especially in front of Zoisite.

Jadeite just shook his head in amusement. He thought he was much better suited to teaching Kunzite how to drive, since he had once driven a bus without being noticed in Earth (unless you count being recognized by the Sailor Senshi). Having once witnessed Nephrite's dubious driving skills, Jadeite thought this whole thing was the blind leading the blind. But Jadeite didn't mind - if Kunzite accidentally killed himself, Zoisite, and Nephrite while driving, that meant he would get his freedom.

As Nephrite got up he said, "So just out of curiosity, what kind of car did you get?"

Kunzite conjured a hologenic photo of his customized Mustang. "Who's the chick?" Jadeite asked with interest as he saw the decal of Zoisite on the side.

"That's Zoisite!" Kunzite beamed (Jadeite's face fell immediately). "I want to show everyone that Zoisite's my man!"

"Oh thanks, Kunzy!" Zoisite cooed.

"Anytime, babe!"

"Anyway!" Nephrite said before the two started to play suck face. "I can assume we're using your car for this lesson?"

"Of course not! We're using yours. I'm not going to risk totaling my new car."

Nephrite didn't want to risk totaling his beloved Ferrari, but he really had no choice since Kunzite was so much more powerful than he.

"I wanna come too!" Zoisite piped up. "I can't stand being alone!"

"And I can't stand having you in the back seat," Nephrite griped. It was bad enough having to teach Kunzite how to drive, but he couldn't stand it if Kunzite's boy toy was in the back seat.

"No, Zoisite will come," Kunzite said. "I'll drive better if I have companionship." He gave sexy smile to Zoisite, who blushed slightly.

As Kunzite, Zoisite, and Nephrite prepared to teleport to Earth for the driving lesson, Zoisite barked out new orders to Jadeite.

"Jadeite! I want you to organize my lingerie collection according to kind."

"But I don't know anything about lingerie," Jadeite protested. He definitely didn't want to touch Zoisite's underwear.

"I didn't think you would. So I prepared this for you." Zoisite gave Jadeite a copy of A Guide to Lingerie for Petite Cross dressers written by himself. "Gee, thanks," Jadeite said sarcastically.

With that accomplished, the other three Kings teleported to Earth.

* * *

The Kings materialized at Nephrite's mansion, which was still under construction. "When's the damned thing going to be done?" Nephrite grumbled.

"Believe me, we want you gone too," Zoisite retorted. "It's a real cramper on our sex life to have company in our house."

Fortunately (or unfortunately depending on your point of view) the garage was undamaged by the flood and the Ferrari lay undisturbed inside. Kunzite sat at the driver's seat and Nephrite sat in the passenger's seat. Zoisite complained at being stuck in the Ferrari's cramped back seat.

"I hate this!" he whined. "I want to sit up front with Kunzite!"

"Sorry, Zoey!" Nephrite said in a cheerfully condescending tone. "I have to make sure Kunzite doesn't do anything stupid. Plus I wouldn't want you to get an airbag related injury. Small adults and children in the back, y'know!"

"I am not small!" Zoisite pouted. "I'll have you know that I am average height!"

"For a woman," Nephrite snickered.

Kunzite knew that Nephrite and Zoisite could bicker all day, so to end the argument he said, "Start the instructions. Now!"

That immediately shut both men up and the driving instructions started. "Okay. Take the key and put it in the ignition (Kunzite did this). Now take this lever and take it from park to drive."

Suddenly, instead of going through Nephrite open garage door, the Ferrari slammed through the back wall. "You idiot!" Nephrite shouted. "That's reverse!"

Kunzite, being first among the Kings, was not used to being addressed like this, so he immediately smacked Nephrite in the face with his fist. "Don't ever talk to me like that again or I'll rip your throat out and eat it in front of you!"

Nephrite grumbled something as he rubbed his face. He really wished he had a drink as he took a deep breath and said, "Fine. Now pull it to drive and press your foot on that pedal over there."

"What's it do?" Kunzite asked.

"It makes the car go faster. And use this steering wheel to determine what direction the car goes in."

"Ah," Kunzite said. He stomped his foot down on the accelerator and the Ferrari sprang to life. Even when Kunzite accidentally hit part of the garage door, he still didn't take his foot off the pedal. Kunzite hastily backed the car out of the wall and zoomed out of the garage and into the street.

"What're you doing?" Nephrite cried.

"What does it look like? I'm driving!"

"Yeah! This is more like it!" Zoisite cried from the back.

"All this horsepower is giving me an adrenaline rush!" Kunzite growled.

"Slow down! Get on the brake!" Nephrite cried in terror.

"Not now," Kunzite said, keeping his gaze divided between the road and Zoisite, who was doing rather obscene gestures to the people in the other cars.

The Ferrari weaved in and out of various lanes, whether it was supposed to be in them or not. Pedestrians ran in terror from the car which was climbing up the side walk at times (Kunzite didn't know that you weren't supposed to ride on the sidewalk. Not that he would have cared anyway...).

"I never knew driving could give such a power trip!" Kunzite yelled.

"I've got to learn how to drive too!" Zoisite agreed.

Nephrite gulped. It was bad enough having Kunzite drive, but Zoisite in a motorized vehicle that went more than 10 miles per hour would mean death for him. The car was going at least 120 miles per hour, Nephrite thought uncomfortably. He wasn't really sure since the speedometer needle had broken off some time ago.

Ten minutes into this wild ride, some sirens began to sound in the distance. "Crap! It's the cops!" Kunzite swore. "We're making a detour guys!"

Kunzite suddenly swerved the car into the nearest exit. They appeared to be going into some kind of arena parking lot. Nephrite's eyes widened in shock. The sign said Tokyo Demolition Derby Today!

"Turn around now!" Nephrite cried.

"No way! We gotta shake off the cops!"

The car drove into a space that said, Demolition Drivers Enter Here!

"Hmmm. I think we should be safe." Kunzite remarked, as the car entered the large arena.

"Drivers! Start your cars!" the announcer shouted. Suddenly a bunch of old, souped up cars came roaring up to the three Kings. Attracted by the sight of a shiny new car, all the car immediately tried to wreck the Ferrari.

"Hey! All those cars are coming after us!" Zoisite said in a frightened voice.

"Don't worry Zoisite! We'll evade them. I'll protect you!" Kunzite assured (Note: Zoisite had no reason to fear, as their Ferrari was much faster and better built than any of the other cars in the demolition derby).

Nephrite was just sitting in the back seat now, praying that if their was a god of any denomination that he or she would save him now from Kunzite's insane driving.

A small, but powerful blue Honda tried to hit Kunzite head on. Kunzite expertly swerved at the last minute which caused the Honda to crash head on into a black Mercedes Benz, which had been trying to hit Kunzite from behind. "Hah! So much for them!" Kunzite laughed.

"Now how do we get out of this place?" Kunzite was saying to himself as another car, a beat up Toyota tried to hit the Ferrari from the side. When Kunzite drove the car up a steep ramp, the beat up Toyota hit a clunky tan van.

The car drove up the ramp at a high, but undetermined speed. It then fell to the ground with a nasty clunk and momentarily stopped functioning. Fortunately, the Ferrari was damaged, but workable. Kunzite mashed down harder on the acceleration (his foot had never left the acceleration pedal since he got into the car) and the car roared back to life. This was fortunate, since just as the Ferrari sped away, a renovated police car smashed into a Volkswagen which was unluckily in the place where the Kings were seconds ago.

Zoisite looked out of the back window with hope in his eyes. "You've destroyed most of all the cars, Kunzite!"

"Uh huh," Kunzite wasn't paying attention as he was trying to find a decent station on the car radio. Nephrite was still praying in the passenger's seat for any god that was available to save him.

As Kunzite was channel surfing, the sole car left, a huge Sports Utility vehicle, came head long, as fast as it could. Zoisite began screaming at the top of his lungs. Since we all know how easy it is for a Sports Utility vehicle to annihilate a smaller car, Zoisite's fear was well founded. Kunzite heard Zoisite's scream, looked up, and with a flick of the wrist the Ferrari drove straight out of harms way. The other car, however, ended up in a mine, and blew up leaving behind only scrap metal. The crowd went wild.

Suddenly the Ferrari sputtered, coughed and came to a complete stop. Kunzite swore.

"Have I died?" Nephrite gasped.

"What happened?" Zoisite asked. Now that they were out of immenent peril, Zoisite rather liked the demolition derby and was disappointed that it had stopped

"Out of gas," Kunzite sighed.

"There is a god!" Nephrite cried.

A man came over and presented Kunzite with a garland and a trophy that read First Place In The Tokyo Demolition Derby. "Hey we won!" Kunzite said.

"I think my heart stopped!" Nephrite mumbled.

But the Kings did not enjoy their victory for long. Some policemen came up to the victory celebration and said in matter of fact voices, "We're booking the owner and/or driver of this vehicle for reckless driving and speeding. Who's the guilty party?"

"Him!" Zoisite shouted and pointed at Nephrite.


"We were simply innocent passengers when this crazy man took us on a drive of reckless abandon," Zoisite continued.

"That's not true!" Nephrite protested.

"Hey that's Sanjouin Masato, the crazy drunk millionaire!" one of the policemen said.

"Why, so it is!" another replied.

"That's not true!" Nephrite shouted.

"Do you two know this crazy man?" the first policeman said to Kunzite and Zoisite.

"Never seen him before in our lives," the two replied in unison.

"We were just hitching a ride and this nut started driving like a mad man," Zoisite said.

"You'll have to come with us, Mr. Sanjouin." The police officers put handcuffs on Nephrite's wrists and shoved him into the police car and towed away his impounded Ferrari.

"You're making a mistake! I've been framed! I'll get my revenge on you two! Mark my words!"

But the two men were not listening. They had walked out of the arena, hand in hand with the garlands and trophy and teleported back to the Dark Kingdom, so his threats fell on dead ears.

* * *

Back in the Dark Kingdom...

Jadeite was still organizing Zoisite's lingerie when the he and Kunzite returned to the Dark Kingdom.

"We're back!" Zoisite called out. "You can take a break, Jed. Kunzite and I have business to attend to here."

"Good! I'm tired of sorting through all this junk! Where do you get all this stuff?"

"You'd be surprised!" Zoisite chuckled.

"Where's Nephrite?"

"Still out."

"For how long?"

"I have a feeling he'll be out for a while..."

* * *

On Earth...

Nephrite was still in jail. There were a bunch of unsavory looking tattooed yakuza guys in there that gave him rather mean looks. Nephrite glared back. He was rich and would be out of here soon. Soon his house would be done and he would have heavenly silence again.

The jail guard came over and opened the jail cell's door with a rusty clang. "Okay. You've paid your fine. You're free to go. You can pick up your car at the impound whenever you like."

"Just you wait Zoisite. Kunzite!" Nephrite shouted to no one in particular when he got out of the dingy cell. I will have my final revenge!" He could help but laugh villainously at the thought of punishing the duo accordingly.

"Keep it down!" the other inmates grumbled.

"Oh, shaddup!" Nephrite shouted as he walked out of the jail and laughed even more to emphasize that his enemies's downfall would soon be near.

The End of Episode 7 - Goto Episode 8

Next Episode: The Girl With Something 'Extra'! The Miss Cherry Blossom Contest Fiasco!

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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