The (Un)Real World

Episode 8: The Girl With Something 'Extra'! The Miss Cherry Blossom Contest Fiasco!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku

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Author's Note:

Okay, okay. I know it's been a really long time since my last update on this, but I hope this'll make up for it. With having four teeth extracted, having braces put on by a man, whom I believe is a drunk, and a crap load of homework, it's kind of hard to write for pleasure. But here it is. I'll try to make the next one come out in less time.

Can four guys with evil, malevolent powers live together in the same house without killing each other? Find out in...

The (Un)Real World

Episode 8: The Girl With Something 'Extra'! The Miss Cherry Blossom Contest Fiasco!

© 1998 by Ace Otaku

It was cherry blossom watching time and everywhere in Tokyo, people were celebrating. Except the Four Kings. They still had to work even through this festive occasion by Queen Beryl's orders.

"This sucks!" Zoisite griped to Kunzite. "I really wanted to go on a picnic with you today."

"After we find the ginzuishou, we'll be able to go on picnics whenever you want," Kunzite promised. "Hey, Jadeite! Stop shaking the umbrella!"

Jadeite grumbled. It was spring. He couldn't see why Kunzite and Zoisite insisted on having him walk behind them and carry an umbrella over them. Probably just to annoy him.

Kunzite and Zoisite had heard from their youma spy, Yasha, that the ginzuishou may be the prize in the Miss Cherry Blossom pageant and were investigating. Nephrite had heard the same rumor from one of his spies and was also spying around (and playing "Grab Ass" with the more attractive women).

Kunzite and Jadeite were also ogling at all the attractive women that were going to sign up for the pageant. When Zoisite found out that Kunzite attention was not directed at him or their work anymore he became really pissed off.

"Kunzite! Why are you interested in those dull girls when you have me?" Zoisite cried.

"Huh? Oh yeah! I'm not interested in them, Zoi-chan. I was uh, seeing if any of them had any good energy to give to our Great Leader."

"I should hope so," Zoisite gave Kunzite an evil look which sent chills down his spine. Quickly, he conjured up a rose, and gave it to Zoisite. When he saw the rose, Zoisite's face lit up.

"Oh, you're so sweet, Kunzy! I don't see how I could have doubted you!"

"Thank God!" Kunzite thought to himself when he saw that his lover was docile again.

But Zoisite's face fell once he saw Nephrite coming up the path. "What's Nephrite doing here?" Zoisite hissed.

"Probably looking for the ginzuishou, too," Kunzite said.

"I'll kill him!" Zoisite was about to conjure up an ice crystal when Kunzite put a strong, restraining arm on his shoulder.

Nephrite soon saw the other Kings as well. "What are you doing here?" he angrily demanded (Nephrite was still angry about being falsely arrested for Kunzite's driving infractions). "I would have thought you two would be in the sack or something."

"Die you!" Zoisite tried to punch Nephrite in the nose, but the other man caught his fist easily in his hand, thus hindering any damage to him (Nephrite didn't have to worry anyway; Zoisite was too small to hurt him anyway).

Furious that his attempt failed, Zoisite kneed Nephrite in the groin really hard. Nephrite ended up curled on the ground in a fetal position squealing in pain. "I hate you, Nephrite!" Zoisite cried.

However before the fight could really get ugly, the Kings were approached by a stern looking matronly lady of about 50, who was in charge of the pageant. "What are you dubious looking men doing here?" she demanded. "Are you in fact here to sexually harass the women signing up for the contest?"

Jadeite, Nephrite and Kunzite became super deformed and said, "Of course not!" even though that's exactly what they were doing. Zoisite just looked bored.

The fearsome lady then gave a more favorable look towards Zoisite. "Ah, what a lovely young girl! You're obviously here to sign up for the pageant, doubt?"

Just when Zoisite was about to say that he was really a guy, Kunzite butted in by saying, "Yes, that's just it."

The other Kings looked at Kunzite in shock, especially Zoisite. "What the hell are you doing?!" Zoisite hissed.

"I'll explain later," Kunzite whispered.

"What's the applicant's name?"

"Ummm," Kunzite stalled and tried to think of a decent alias for Zoisite. He looked over and saw a graphic novel by Lejii Matsumoto sitting on a park bench. Then he saw a cherry blossom tree in bloom. "Matsumoto. Sakura. Yeah! That's it! Matsumoto Sakura."

"What a lovely name for a lovely girl!" the administrator said.

"Really? You think so?" Zoisite batted his eyelashes, in order to looked innocent and delicate. Whether people thought he was male or female, Zoisite loved flattery.

After filling out all the paper work, the Four Kings went home.

"What was that all about?" Zoisite wondered.

"Yeah," Jadeite asked. "Judging from the "Miss" in the contest title, I think the pageant is for women."

"Don't you morons see?" Kunzite explained. "If Zoisite wins that contest, and the prize turns out to be the ginzuishou, Zoisite and I can take over the Universe!"

"What was that?" Jadeite replied suspiciously.

"I mean the four of us can take over the Universe."

"Yeah, I hope so," Nephrite said darkly. He didn't trust any of his colleagues at all. If that prize really was the ginzuishou, he would have the others work in the person breweries he would build in the Dark Kingdom when. It was be especially fun to see small and frail Zoisite working on a wine press...

Kunzite interrupted Nephrite's train of thought when he said, "The contest's in a week. We have to help Zoisite train for this thing, so we can win."

"Why bother with entering the contest when we can just send some youma in and take the ginzuishou by force?" Jadeite asked.

"No! I'm not going to have Sanjouin Masato's image ruined any further!" Nephrite protested. Ever since he had started taking up residence with the other Kings, his Earthen alter ego's reputation had reached rock bottom as reports of reckless driving, drunken behavior, and being beat up by school girls were circulating around Tokyo.

Jadeite looked at the events Zoisite would have to compete in. "Kimono and evening gown modeling, questions and talent."

"Does cross dressing count as a talent?" Zoisite asked hopefully.

"Not this time, I'm afraid," Kunzite said. "We'll have to go home and prepare you for this right away. We must win at any cost!"

* * *

Some weeks later...

As the author was too bored to write in any filler material, she decided to simply have the pageant occur right away. The Four Kings arrived at the pageant, unnoticed. Zoisite was dressed in a green kimono decorated with delicate, red flowers. Since kimonos by nature are rather bulky, Zoisite's lack of cleavage went, thankfully, unnoticed.

"Okay, Zoisite!" Nephrite said, taking him aside. "Remember the maxim of the day."

"If it looks like a chick and talks like a chick, it must be a chick," Zoisite said, repeating what Kunzite had told him that morning.

"Right. Now go win us that crystal, dammit!"

Zoisite got a good luck kiss from Kunzite before giving his registration papers to the director and going through a door labeled, "Contestants Only". Behind the door he found the other (female) contestants in various stages of dress and undress giggling and talking. Zoisite only shuddered (he was having painful flashbacks from his idol days) and wondered what the other Kings found so attractive in these women. Rather than chit chat with his opposition, Zoisite simply sat down in a folding chair and read a copy of a yaoi manga he had found on the floor. Just as he was getting to the romantic climax of the particular story he was reading, he heard the announcer tell all the contestants to get ready. Zoisite grumbled that his reading was interrupted. "How'm I ever going to be educated if I can't get some good literature in?" he wondered.

* * *

Kunzite, Nephrite and Jadeite were out in the audience observing the pageant. When the announcer bounced onto the stage, Jadeite grumbled, "This show's finally gonna start! I'm sick of just sitting around. If I'm going to a place that promises hot chicks, I want hot chicks!"

"Amen to that!" Nephrite agreed.

"Be quiet it's starting!" Kunzite hissed.

The announcer was a short, skinny man wearing a cheap rented tux, glasses, and a tacky hair piece that looked like a dead cat. His eyes were bugging out of his head and he appeared to have a thyroid problem. "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! The Miss Cherry Blossom Pageant is about to begin (insert cheers). The grand prize all our girls are competing for is the large, beautiful, diamond, one of the largest in the world (he gestures over at a huge diamond that sparkles in all the colors of the rainbow as the sunlight hits it). And now let's present our lovely young ladies to you! Music, maestro!"

Suddenly some really cheesy music started to play, not that different to the kind they play in ice skating rinks. There is no need to go into what happened here, so I'll just fast forward to Zoisite's entrance.

"And here is Matsumoto Sakura!" the announcer squealed as Zoisite walked out. "Sakura enjoys pretty dresses, collecting Barbie dolls, pro wrestling, and helping out the elderly!"

"Hey, there's Zoisite!" Kunzite yelled. Before anyone could restrain him, Kunzite got up and shouted. "Way to go Sakura! I love you, Sakura! You can win, Sakura!"

The other kings sweat dropped, and prayed that no one figured out that they were with Kunzite. Zoisite just smiled, and blew Kunzite a kiss as he strutted down the runway. "What a sweet and innocent girl!" the judges agreed (snicker!).

When Kunzite sat down, Nephrite said, "I didn't know Zoisite helped out the elderly."

"He doesn't. I just put it down so he'd look good."

As Zoisite went back into the wings, he gave the other contestants a smug smirk. They all just gave him the bird in return (fortunately for them, the judges didn't notice that, else they would have taken off a heck of a lot of points).

* * *


After all the contestants were introduced in their kimonos, it was then time for the evening gown portion, just so the audience that consisted mostly of horny men could have an extra dose of T&A all at once. Zoisite changed into his evening gown in the bathroom so his ruse wouldn't be figured out. Since those stalls are pretty small, he had a fine time trying to get all his equipment in order and putting on his dress in a 3 foot by 2 foot stall. He managed to stumble out just he was to be called out.

"And presenting the lovely Matsumoto Sakura!" the sickly, hyperactive announcer shouted.

Zoisite almost sprinted out on the runway, afraid to miss his chance. The audience gave a gasp in unison (except for Jadeite and Nephrite, who knew Zoisite was a guy) when they beheld Zoisite in his emerald green evening gown. "Oh my god!" the announcer cried, eyes bugging out even more than before. "This is truly an amazing occasion folks! Never in my life have I seen such great feminine beauty! Those eyes! Those legs! Those breasts (snicker!)! Truly there are some mountains so large, even brave men dare not climb! This is true beauty, folks!"

As Zoisite turned around on the runway, he gave a cocky "come hither" look. A rousing cheer came from the mostly male audience, and some men even went so far as to throw their underwear. Hah! he thought. I've got this contest in the bag!

"How does he manage to hid all his 'extra equipment'?" Jadeite whispered.

Nephrite only shrugged. "I think some questions are best left unanswered, Jadeite."

* * *


Kunzite was skulking around the pageant grounds, trying to find the prize to figure out whether it was the ginzuishou or not. Since everyone was so transfixed upon the girls, no one was paying any attention to the prize. Out of his pocket, Kunzite pulled out a grayish blue crystal. It was his own personal homing crystal, the aozuishou (blue crystal). The aozuishou had the curious form of a what appeared to be a blue lizard. Nevertheless, despite its strange shape, Kunzite found it to be very useful. He levitated it above his finger and used it to examine the large diamond. The readings were just as he had feared.

"Feh! It's just a stupid jewel! We've been wasting our time. But I'm sure it'll please Zoisite if he wins, he's a sucker for jewelry."

Sighing, Kunzite went to take his place back in the audience.

* * *

It was now time for the talent portion of the show. Zoisite was nervous as he still didn't have a talent. But he didn't let his anxiety show. He had some stiff competition that included sword swallowing, lion taming, and playing the piano with one's toes while playing the guitar with the hands. Then suddenly, he had an idea. As he heard himself being called out, he knew he had a talent that would know all the others out of the water.

When Zoisite found himself on the runway, he said, in a very sweet and modest voice, "My talent is magic."

He then proceeded to use his magical powers to wow the audience. Even though he was still Kunzite's student, Zoisite was still quite powerful. Zoisite made dragons made of fireballs, dance across the sky before pulling a hat out of a rabbit (no that's not a typo, he pulled a hat out of a rabbit). Then he used his telekinesis to lift the judges out of their chairs (much to the judge's dismay). After that he conjured up small ice statues of Kunzite, their castle and their new Ford Mustang. For his grand finale, he caused a wind of sakura blossoms and roses to rain down on the audience, much to their delight. Judging from the ebullient cheering from the audience, it was obvious that Zoisite (or should I say, 'Sakura') was definitely the favorite. As Zoisite walked into the wings, he received a mental message from Kunzite.

Zoisite! Kunzite replied. I just found out that the prize in this thing isn't the ginzuishou.

So what? Zoisite answered. I'm just burning up this contest, Kunzite. When I win, this will show you that I'm far superior in beauty and talent to any chick you'll be able to find.

Kunzite could barely hid his grin, but replied back, If you say so, Zoi-chan.

* * *

The basic elimination process was over, and now only three contestants were left: Zoisite, a Madonna blond society chick, and a mall rat (who bought everything from the Gap, including her kimono). It was now time for that part in beauty contest where they ask trite questions to test the contestants intelligence (or in some cases, lack thereof).

The society chick was asked her question first.

"Natsumi (that was her name), if you had one wish, what would it be?"

"My wish would be for every one in the world to feel as much love as I do today!" she gushed.

The audience went "Awww!" and clapped.

"Who says all blondes are air heads?" Nephrite snickered.

"Yeah!" Jadeite agreed. Then he thought for a second and shouted, "Hey! Take that back!"

Then it was the mall rat's turn . "Keiko, do you think beauty pageants are out of touch with today's modern Japanese woman?"

"Like, no! If you're vacant and stupid, like me, how else are you going find personal redemption, without sleeping your way up?" she smiled prettily after giving this dissertation. Everyone laughed at Keiko's stupidity.

Finally, Zoisite was called up to be on the hot seat. "Sakura, tell us one thing you believe deeply in?"

"I believe that one day, the world will be united under a wonderful cloud of darkness. When Queen Metallia is released from her prison, the Dark Kingdom will rule over everyone and everything. Submit to the Dark Side! You know you want to!"

Kunzite sighed. How could you throw away it all away like that, Zoisite? The audience laughed nervously and clapped a little. Zoisite simply smiled happily, thinking he'd done something right.

* * *

The announcer bounced out on the stage. "Okay. Okay! Okay!" he shouted, eyes bugging out more than ever. "It is time to announce the winner of the 1998 Miss Cherry Blossom Pageant (insert cheers)."

He picked up an envelope. "The runner up is... Miss Natsumi Shima. Should Miss Cherry Blossom die, or in some way be incapacitated, you will take her place!"

"Oh shut up, shorty!" Natsumi grumbled, as she took her second place crap. "It's not like that ever happens!"

"Heh, heh. Of course." the announcer laughed nervously. "Anyway, I am pleased to announce that Miss Cherry Blossom of 1998 is... Miss Sakura Matsumoto (apparently, Zoisite's smash performance in everything else covered up his bizarre Q&A answer)!"

"Yeah! Yeah! Sakura!!!!" Kunzite shouted, jumping out of his seat.

Zoisite then hugged the two losers as was customary, (Natsumi actually kicked Zoisite in the shins, but he was too happy to notice) before going to receive his tiara and long stemmed roses. The announcer began to sing in a very off key voice, Stevie Wonder's Isn't She Lovely as Zoisite walked down the runway in the traditional runway walk and wave thing.

It's everything I ever dreamed of! Zoisite thought, as his eyes filled with tears. It's too good to be true!

Unfortunately for Zoisite, it was too good to be true. As he walked down the runway, the green evening gown he wore caught on a loose nail. When he reached the end, the whole thing ripped off. Since the gown had been made of silk, Zoisite hadn't been wearing any underwear, so he pretty much flashed the entire audience. The crowd gave out a simultaneous gasp. No one was able to speak for a second or two. Zoisite was frozen in terror and fright.

A man cried out, "I can't believe I threw my underwear to another guy!"

Then, Natsumi, the runner up, cried out, "Since he's a guy, he's disqualified! I'm Miss Cherry Blossom!"

She ran up to the naked Zoisite and greedily snatched away his tiara and roses. Then a more astute woman noticed some else. "OHMIGOD! IT'S ZOI-BOY!"

The females in the audience soon figured out that Matsumoto Sakura was really missing androgynous pop rocker Zoi-Boy in disguise. While the men were feeling embarrassed that they had thrown their underwear at another guy, the female began manhandling their lost idol. Since he was already naked, they didn't have anything to take, so they contented themselves with simply touching him in indecent places. Zoisite was screaming at the top of his lung and convulsing. Nephrite smirked happily. This was better revenge than he had ever intended for his archenemy. It certainly served him right for wrecking his car and getting him put in jail.

Kunzite managed to get into the crowd of crazed females and pulled Zoisite out by his arm. Before anyone could notice he was gone, Kunzite teleported Zoisite and himself away. Disappointed that the action was gone, Nephrite and Jadeite also teleported back to the Dark Kingdom.

* * *

Back in the Dark Kingdom...

Zoisite appeared to be in a state of shock. He was trembling, his teeth were chattering, and all the color was gone from his body.

"Are you okay, Zoi-chan?" Kunzite asked tenderly as he tried to give him a cup of coffee.

"Get 'em off me!"

"You'll get over it, Zoi-chan. There are no chicks around here unless you count the youma and Queen Beryl."

"Get 'em off me!"

Kunzite went over to Zoisite and started biting on his ear and passionately kissing him. "How 'bout I give you some sweet loving? We haven't done it once in this entire fic!"

The color in Zoisite's face appeared to returned. He giggled. "Ooh, Kunzite-sama, you always know how to cheer me up!"

* * *

In Nephrite's room/closet...

Nephrite sighed in happiness as he took a great chug of his wine bottle. The day had been perfect. He had gotten to ogle beautiful women and see Zoisite make a total fool of himself all in the same day. It was too perfect.

"Maybe things are finally going my way!" he said to himself. Not even the loud cries of ecstasy that were audible even in his closet could get him out of his good mood. Life was sweet for Nephrite.

The End of Episode 8 - Goto Episode 9

Next Episode: Season Finale! The Kings Write a Fanfic!

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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