The (Un)Real World

Episode 9: Season Finale! The Kings Write a Fanfic!

© 1998 by the Great Ace Otaku


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Author's Note:

I've often found myself wondering how the Kings would feel if they knew how they were being portrayed in fanfics. Ever wonder how Zoisite would feel if he read about the sub-human treatment he was forced to endure in Best Served Hot or what Kunzite might think when he read how he was getting in the sack with Motoki or Prince Endymion? In this tale, the Kings try to set the record straight about their lives.

BTW, I'm not in favor of Internet censorship, but I can safely say that I'm not a fan of every single fanfic ever written.


Can four guys with evil, malevolent powers live together in the same house without killing each other? Find out in...


The (Un)Real World

Episode 9: Season Finale! The Kings Write a Fanfic!

© 1998 by Ace Otaku

Nephrite gritted his teeth together as he was forced to hear the incessant clatter of a keyboard. Ever since Kunzite had bought his little boy toy a computer with an Internet connection, all Zoisite ever did was surf the net (and have sex with Kunzite of course). He was sure he would go mad if he had to listen to that keyboard any longer. Not even one of his favorite wines could mute out the racket. He stomped over to the chair where Zoisite was sitting. Before he could utter a single word, Zoisite got up, his face red with anger, flames encompassing his body.

"What's wrong with you now?" Nephrite grumbled. "Did someone put nekkid pictures of your below average body all over the web?"

"Hah! As if that was the worst part of it!" Zoisite shouted. "There seem to be some very sick people out there! You wouldn't believe the stuff I've found out there! People are writing slanderous fics about Kunzite and me everywhere. Oh yeah, you and Jadeite, too."

"What?!" Nephrite could care less about who was saying what about Kunzite and Zoisite, but when it came to him, it got personal.

"People have me getting in and out of threesomes with girls no less! I should sue for slander, or better yet just kill them. See, look here!" Zoisite angrily pointed at the computer screen, which had a black background with red writing (actually he was giving the computer screen the bird but it's almost the same thing in a way). "Here's a fic where somebody decided to have me get raped! I've actually found several fics like this. The idiot author of this fic here (who will remain nameless at this time) has me get up in drag, go to some singles bar where some pervert drugs me, and rapes me. What's this world coming to?"

"Exactly," Nephrite agreed. "Who would fantasize about you?"

Zoisite was livid with rage at the comment, but he had a more important concern on his mind than just bickering with Nephrite. "Well don't worry, Neffy-chan," Zoisite replied smugly. "There are plenty of fics out there with you doin' it with other guys."

"What?" Nephrite became super deformed as he grabbed the mouse, frantically trying to find the offending fics so he could flame the authors. "What is wrong with people? Does anybody have any respect for the truth???!!!"

"What're you two bickering about this time?" Kunzite asked irritably. He had been busy watching a fascinating TV show on the history of rubber surgical gloves when Zoisite and Nephrite began arguing rather loudly.

As Kunzite came over, Zoisite ran up to him and began crying. "What's wrong, Zoi-chan?" Kunzite asked worriedly.

"Those people on the 'net are writing stuff about us," Zoisite sniffed.

Kunzite strode over to the computer and brusquely shoved Nephrite out of the way to conduct a search of his own.

"Hey!" Nephrite objected, but Kunzite wasn't listening.

Kunzite's brow furrowed. "Hmm..." Then suddenly, Kunzite's usually cool exterior exploded and he became extremely super deformed. "What's this?!"

"What's wrong, Kunzy-chan?" Zoisite replied in a worried voice.

Kunzite's usually swarthy features had turned dead white. He staggered over to the couch (BTW, Jadeite was under the couch cleaning up dust and other crap from underneath it) and sat down.

"Ouch!" Jadeite screamed as he scurried out from underneath the dusty couch. "What's this all about?" When he came out, Jadeite saw Kunzite looking very depressed and Zoisite giving him a massage. Nephrite was back at the computer trying to send really nasty flames to all the authors who he felt were slandering him.

"Zoisite was on the Internet and found slanderous stories about us," Kunzite replied.

"The way people are you'd think they have some kind of fetish about us being tortured, raped, and doing any other thing you know I wouldn't do in my right mind. They even had me having sex with girls!"

"You don't have a right mind," Jadeite muttered ("I heard that! Zoisite shouted."). "As long as they don't say anything about me, I'm content."

"Don't think you're above it either," Nephrite called from the computer. "I saw a story where you were doin' it with Sailormars!"

"What???!!!" Jadeite became super deformed.

"And just look at the stuff by this 'Ace Otaku' person!" Nephrite continued. "By this description you'd swear I was a drunk!"

"You mean you're not?" Zoisite asked in mock surprise. Nephrite glared at him. "But I know what you mean. That 'Ace Otaku' makes Kunzite and me look like sex addicts!"

"No, that's true." It was Zoisite's turn to glare now.

Kunzite, who had been silent for sometime finally spoke, "We must set the people straight about us. We'll write our own fanfic."

"Yahoo!" Zoisite shouted. "I always wanted to be a yaoi writer!"

"Hey, I refuse to put my name on any yaoi stuff!" Nephrite protested.

"Me too," Jadeite agreed.

"I want to do a fic relating my tuff, macho adventures in the Dark Kingdom!" Nephrite said.

"Which are all fictional," muttered Zoisite.

"Like you're one to talk!" retorted Nephrite. "This from a guy whose only adventures consists of going to the mini mall to buy girly-ass dresses!"

"You take that back!"

"Make me!"

It was then that Zoisite and Nephrite started sticking out their tongues at each other. Jadeite and Kunzite simply sweat dropped. Realizing that they obviously were not going to get anywhere fast like this, Kunzite settled the dispute by saying. "We'll each write a section of the fic and we'll edit it all together later. Agreed?"

"Agreed," the others said.

"Good."

"Hey, look at this," Nephrite remarked. "I have an e-mail." After skimming the message, Nephrite face lit up with joy. "Hallelauh, I'm released from this loony bin! My house is finally done!"

"Hurrah!" Zoisite yelled. "Free at last, free at last!"

"I'm going, I'm going!" Nephrite sang.

"He's going, he's going!" Zoisite sang. The two were so happy at finally being released from each other's company that they began to do a little dance together. They even hugged. The others just sweat dropped again having nothing to say.

* * *

Later that day...

The Kings were busy at work, writing their fics. Eagerly wanting all the rumors and misconceptions gone, they worked day and night (especially Zoisite who wanted any and all rumors about him sleeping with girls and being tortured and raped squelched). Eventually, they all came together to see what they had so far.

"This is my fic," Nephrite said. "It's called The Adventures of Nephrite, the Stud of the Dark Kingdom!"

"Oh god," muttered Zoisite as he rolled his eyes.

Nephrite began to relate his tale, despite Zoisite's heckling. "Nephrite began to climb the wide scale of the cliff. The huge beams of lightening crashed around our handsome hero. It began to rain harder and harder. His clothes stuck to him in a mixture of sweat and rain. Still, he persevered on. Nephrite finally reached the top of the cliff. He flipped his long, wet, auburn mane of hair out of his face as he looked out his surroundings. An opening to a cave stood in front of him. Our courageous hero, feeling hot, took off his jacket and shirt, sweat pouring down his hard, washboard flat abs..."

"Stop!" Zoisite cried. "I think I'm going to be sick."

"Talk about mindless self promotion," Jadeite grumbled.

"Hey, we have to give our female fans some reader service."

"I could care less about the female fans."

"They're the main ones who read all this stuff."

"I don't care. I refuse to put my name on something like that."

"Then don't. See if I care."

Kunzite knew the two could easily argue all day, so he quickly intervened. "We'll come back to your fic later Nephrite. Why don't you go next Jadeite?"

"You're actually going to allow Nephrite to ruin our fic with that crap, Kunzite?" Zoisite cried.

Kunzite ignored Zoisite and gestured for Jadeite to begin. Seeing that his lover was ignoring him now, Zoisite just pouted and wrapped his arms around Kunzite's waist.

"This wondrous work of art is called Jeddy on Ice." To supposedly sound intellectual, Jadeite cleared his throat before beginning. "All was dark. He could see nothing. He could feel nothing. He could sense nothing. In other words, he was frozen. The man was caught in a web in his own semi-consciousness. He was in a world of images, ideas, and sounds that existed in his own head, but not in the outside world. The man thought he would soon go insane from all the silence. He didn't know how long he could remain in this world of limbo. But soon the deadening silence ended and light and sound came. The man found himself in the middle of a strange misshapen field. All of a sudden he head strangely familiar voices approaching him. The man found himself being carried off by the strangers. The bizarre feeling of being carried away continued for about five minutes until he was finally set down. Then suddenly his rescuers, much to the man's shock, began humping like rabbits. Nekkid bodies, moaning and sweating for hours on end! The horror! The sheer horror..."

"Okay, enough! What this supposed to be?" Zoisite demanded.

"It's the dramatic and thrilling account of my sojourn in Eternal Sleep!"

"What's with the part about the strangers 'humping like rabbits'???!!!"

"It's true."

"I refuse to have that put into our fic."

"Well, I'm curiously to find out what kind of stuff you two wrote then."

"Yeah," Nephrite agreed. "Put your fic where your mouth is. That is, if you can read, Zoisite."

Zoisite scowled, but began to read his fic anyway. "The Bonds of the Heart, by Kunzite and Zoisite." Like Jadeite, Zoisite felt compelled to clear his throat as well, just to outdo him. "The setting was romantic; lighted candles gave the room a soft glow. An opulent meal was set out on the table. Zoisite anxiously waited for his Kunzite-sama to arrive. He wore the latest fashion, a long black cocktail dress and matching high heeled shoes. "I hope Kunzite-sama will arrive soon!" the extremely beautiful and very intelligent Zoisite answered. He didn't have to wait long. A tall man with long silver hair, tanned skin, arrived wearing a black tuxedo (but no top hat, thankfully). He came up to embrace his very, very beautiful lover, Zoisite. They began to passionately kiss. "I love you," Kunzite whispered. "I love you, too," his misty eyed (and very beautiful) other half replied. They kissed again, longer and harder. "Your beauty is too distracting for me to eat the dinner," Kunzite grinned. "Let's just get on with the dessert!" Kunzite carried the very beautiful Zoisite into the bedroom where he began to remove his dress..."

"Ugh! I think I'm going to be sick!" Jadeite groaned.

"Somebody hand me a basin before I throw up on the floor," Nephrite muttered.

"It'll be a cold day in hell before I ever put my name on that."

"I'd rather have my arms cut off."

"Do you think you can do better?" Kunzite replied stiffly.

"Yeah, I can do better!" Nephrite shouted.

"I'm the only one who wrote anything decent," Jadeite said. "I wrote nail biting drama, while you guys just wrote self promotion pieces. And very bad ones at that."

"Oh like you're one to talk, Jadeite." Zoisite grunted. "What you wrote was so inflammatory and untrue."

"It was totally true, you two do screw like rabbits."

"At least we have a sex life, unlike some people."

"Take that back!"

"Make us!"

* * *

Hours later...

There is no need to describe what happened then. At that point, the Kings got into a huge fight and basically began to go through each other's fic looking for things they didn't like and did some extreme editing. This of course means that not much was left of either of the three fics.

Kunzite sighed. "Okay. This is all we have left."

The other three Kings peered over his shoulder. The only words written on the piece of paper were,

We exist. We are here. Please don't be mean. Have a nice day!

"That's it?" Zoisite shrieked.

"We edited everything out, I guess," Jadeite remarked.

"This sucks!" Nephrite grumbled. "My fic was great!"

"Yeah right," Zoisite said.

"I've had enough of you guys," Nephrite shouted as he went to gather his wine bottles. "Now that my house is done, I don't need to stay in this nut house anymore."

"Have fun," Kunzite smirked.

"Don't leave the water on again, Neffy-chan," Zoisite snickered.

"Shut up! I'll post my fic on the net and everyone'll read it!"

"You and yourself don't count!" laughed Zoisite.

"Shut up!" Nephrite repeated before disappearing back to his house to drown his anger in booze.

"Well he's gone now. What'll we do now?" asked Zoisite.

"I have some ideas," grinned Kunzite. "Let's act out all that stuff in our fic!"

"Ooh! Good idea!" squealed Zoisite. "Oh, and Jadeite go back to cleaning the crap under the couch, 'kay?"

Jadeite mumbled some obscenities under his breath, as he went back to work. "I hate you two," he muttered.

* * *

Meanwhile...

Kunzite was having quite a good time having Zoisite give him a full body massage as he send their fic to someone's web archive; they were both very, very, happy.

* * *

And back at his house, Nephrite was chugging wine as he uploaded his fic on his own web page (Neffy's Happy Hour Brewery it was called). He was quite happy as well.

* * *

But tragically, Jadeite was picking out dead rats, bugs, dust, and broken auto parts from under the couch in Kunzite and Zoisite's house; he wasn't very happy at all. Let's all pray for Jeddy real hard.

* * *

Epilogue

As we all know, Nephrite was eventually killed by Zoisite (which is why his web page hasn't been updated in ages). Neffy spends his time in the afterlife swilling wine. And Zoisite was killed by Beryl and Kunzite was killed by the Senshi. They spend their time in the afterlife hanging around each other mostly. Jadeite, however, left the Dark Kingdom after Kunzite's death to pursue his own life and now lives in Tokyo as an insurance salesman in the Juuban district leading an intensely dull but happy life. So I guess everybody kinda ended up pretty happy. Except that Kunzite and Zoisite have to do their own chores now, I guess. Oh well.

- Fin -


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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