A Royal Trouncing - Part 5

© 1998 by Cresent Star



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Note: This is based on something that is known as the Mystery Science Theatre (MST). I dunno, I just like it.


Zoisite and Kunzite are seated on the couch. The latter is attempting to get his companion to speak to him again.

K: Aaw, come on Zoisite... I didn't mean to hurt you feelings! Your cooking isn't that bad... <magics a rose from black space>
Z: <pout> I'm not talking to you!
K: Please...? <wheedling> Honey?
Z: Okay... I'll forgive you if you try my latest creation. <Kunzite gulps>

Zoisite whips out something similar to his first concoction... only this time, it is blue.

The door bell sounds at that moment. Kunzite rises at the new escape route.

K: Just a moment dear..I'll go and tell the person to go away...
Z: No! Not this time! I'll go tell who it is off!

He stomps to the door and throws it open, ready to yell at who ever it was. His yell turns into a half scream as it is impeded by a long kiss from the person outside.

CS: <breaking kiss> Hi Zoey! Hi Kunzy! Just wanted to drop in!
Z: Aaaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhhhh! I've just been kissed by a *girl*!
K: Who the hell are you?!
Z: <still yelling> I don't care who the hell she is! Tell her to get lost!
CS: <calmly> I'm the author of course. <steps in and takes a look> Hey, not bad a place you've got here. <settles by the couch>
K:<gasp><in shocked voice> Shameless self insertion!
CS:<ignores Kunzite and Zoisite, who is wiping his mouth...hard> Hmm... what's this? 6_6

She picks up a glossy book with a cookie printed on its cover. The cookie looks as if it is a crab... then again, like a lion. It looked half and half...

CS:<sweatdrop, reading the title> "Musabetsu Kakutou Ryouri" by Tendou A.? Hm... Foreword by Kotobuki C-Ko...<looks at dish on the table> that should explain a lot.
Z: Get out!
K: Why don't you just calm down dear...
Z: <more calmly> *Get lost*.
CS: No way! You guys have been making totally sick jokes over my story and I'm here to make sure it doesn't happen again!
Z: Fat hope.
K: Yeah.
CS <sweat drop> Never mind. Settle down... Here it is...
Z: No way! Why in the hell did you turn me into a girl?
K: I am *not* a philandering husband!
CS: Calm down guys...
Z: Not to mention the humongous plot holes!
K: There are barely 20 people in this fic, youma included!
CS: Okay, guys! Why don't you just shut up and get the thing over with? You think it's so easy? You go write the damned thing!
Z: ...
K: ...
CS: Thank you... now, if we may continue...


The Venusian Masquerade

Z: And where's the dramatic music that's supposed to go along with this?
K: Probably... the musicians left cos' they hated the fic so much...
CS: Hey..!

Disclaimer: All characters are property of Naoko Takeuchi, Kodansha, 1992. Any infringement of copyrights is regretted...don't sue...

Author's Note: Please send mail! Even flames are better than nothing...

K: You are so desperate.
Z: Hm, ever heard of a dating agency?
CS: I'm not *old* enough! Get off these personal attacks!


Chapter 5

CS: Kinda hard to believe I made it to chapter five.
K: Even though the writing is crap...
Z: The plot is crap...

Princess Serenity wandered about the empty hallways of the palace, totally unaware of her mother's plight. She thought on this. Why were the halls and corridors empty of servants and life?

Z: Exactly what I wanted to ask!
K: Hm, well, guess she's such a dumb author, she can't write more than 10 people at once...
CS: ...

It was so depressing.

Z: This fic is depressing.
K: Why don't you spice it up with... 'stuff'?
CS:<shocked> Hentai!

Currently, she was on the run from her nurse maid (though she often claimed that she didn't need one.) Just then, she came upon an upset girl quite by chance. She looked at her, then wondered if anyone could look so angry.

Z: You ain't seen Beryl yet.
K: Which reminds me...
CS: Of what?
K: The fact that I haven't returned her curling iron...
Z: Oh dear. We have a problem don't we..?

Makoto was still fuming over her recent encounter with Oliveiro. How dare he stand there and smile at her so arrogantly!

K: Babe, that happens all the time.
Z: <conjurs ice crystal> If you wanna kill him, you need only say the word...
CS: I will not allow you to kill off a character like that!
Z: Try me!

Who did he think he was?

K: Um...er... duh... the prince?
Z: Well, Makoto, he's nephrite, in case you haven't caught on yet. He was the second of the four generals and he...
CS: Er, Zoi... no need to go into that...

She realized how stupid she had been actually falling for royal scum like him.

Z: Makoto hits the jackpot!
K: Hah, she couldn't hit a dart board if it were right in front of her...
CS: I said no personal attacks...
Z and K: Shut up! We don't need some one to censor our stuff!
CS: <pouts>

The fact that she still liked him angered her even more.

K:<sarcastically> Ooh... the psychological workings of a teenager's mind...
Z: <equally sarcastically>How interesting...
CS: <glares> Thank you very much...

She glared at the floor.

Z: Note the similarities between the authors and the characters!
K: Of course, it could also mean that she needs to move into a room filled with soft walls.

Only when she looked up she met the curious gaze of the princess of the Moon.

K:<as Moon Princess> So... would you like the cushioned walls pink or blue?
Z:<as Makoto> <starts to strangle Moon Princess> Give me the ice, babe!
CS: You're implying Mako is a drug addict?!

"Is there... something wrong?"

Z: <as Makoto> Hm, I'm really confused now, my boyfriend just dumped me, the author is playing around with my character... no, nothing's wrong... really!
K: <as Moon Princess> Um... okay! Wanna go out on a date?
CS: Augh! You're doing it again!

she asked, a little shyly. Makoto dropped a curtsy. She was the princess after all, even if she did hate having to do what she regarded as silly acts of formality.

K:<as Makoto> Yeah! Not smoking in public is such a drag (no pun!). And why can't I just be left to my darling TV?

"Nothing but the usual woes over a teenage infatuation Princess, unworthy of your attention."

Z: But... if you do that... wouldn't there be no plot?
CS: It could still work...
Z: If we made a few twists...
CS: Zoi...
K: I wouldn't mind.

The princess made a

K: Paper crane.
Z: Paper aeroplane.
CS: An origami portrait!
Z and K: <sweat drop> You are hopeless...

face, an action unexpected by Makoto. "Oh, please! How can I assume the rule when I don't even understand the little aches and pains in the lives of my subjects?

K: You would if you went down to the Royal Torture Chamber.
Z: Where there are inhuman screams...
CS: Ha! There are many things your mom doesn't tell you, little princess...

Come now, tell me what is troubling you."

Z: Well...
K: There's this senpai...
CS: ...and this other guy...

Makoto raised her head, ashamed now, as she thought of her irrational behavior. Her stomping about must have been quite a sight to the princess.

Z: Yeah, not every day you see a buffalo around the palace.
K: There goes one now!
CS: Ooh! And another!
Z: I thought you didn't like us doing this to your fic...
CS: I can't help it.

She spoke in a low voice, as if to an old

K: Lover?
Z: Soul mate?
CS: Would you mind?

friend, "I hope for love that can never be, Princess."

K: <as Makoto> Namely you.
Z: <as Princess> Ey... I've felt the same! The two then go off together and turn this into a hentai.
CS: <Looking for something... searching...> Found it! <whips out mallet smashes them into their skulls.>

"Don't call me princess, "

K: <recovering> Oujosama to Oyobi!
Z: Hm... Tenchi...?

she said, shaking her head at Makoto's form of address. "Why don't you call me...

K: Divine Brown?
Z: Luke Perry?
CS: John Travolta?

Usagi? 'princess' is too formal for my liking. What's your name?"

K: Hi... M'name's mud.
Z: My name is... hm... I seem to have had a memory lapse.
CS: Hi. I'm -
Z and K: No self promotion!
CS: Okay, okay.

"I am... Kino Makoto. Call me Mako-chan, " she seemed almost as shy as the princess had been. "Usagi chan.."

The princess smiled, a smile that lit the place like a golden sun beam.

K: That has got to be the most cliche line I've heard yet.
Z: You could tell the difference? There are so many about!
CS: You're being mean!

"That sounds nice. I like it. Now, Mako-chan, you were saying? Do go on, I'm most interested."

Makoto bit back a

K: Maniacal cackle of laughter...
Z: Kodachi Kunou style.
CS: <sarcastic> Ooh... how could she best you in that...?
Z: <murderous glare>

bitter smile. How would the princess feel when she found out the betrayal of her own prince?

K: Not very happy?
Z: Er... *very* happy?
CS: She'd be rejoicing...
Z: He is such a jerk.
K: Wonder what Serenity saw in him...
CS: <lowers eyes and giggles lecherously>
Z and K: Hey... I thought you said we couldn't say stuff like that...
CS: Doesn't mean I can't! :p~~~~~

Instead, she looked at the princess pleasantly,

Z: The many faces of Kino Makoto!
K: You know... hey author! You listening?
CS: Eh? What? Um... oh, yes!
K: You've just revealed to us their secret identities.
CS: <shocked> Oops!
Z: Not that we didn't know anyway...

"He is of great status and I am not worthy of him."

Again the princess shook her head decisively, "Mako-chan, that is where you are wrong. It doesn't matter who you are.

All: <singing> It doesn't matter who you are, where you're from, what you did, as long as love me... baby...

So long as you love him and he returns your love." She took her hand, leading her to a small white painted bench. She sat down, motioning for Makoto to join her.

K: <as Makoto> Uhh... no thank you...

Makoto knitted her brow, "That's it, Usagi-chan. I know how I feel about him. I just don't know if he feels the same." She jumped, startled as the princess touched her jaw suddenly, letting her fingers fall along the curves.

Z: <as Makoto> Uh... Princess? I don't do that...
CS: <as Princess> Really? <disappointed>

"There is something special about you Mako-chan, "

K: Augh! You're the one implying it!

she said, still fingering her jaw. "I feel a very great power hidden within you..."

Z: What is it with you and cliched lines?

Makoto blinked. Why had the princess changed the topic of conversation so abruptly?

CS: Because...

The princess noticed her expression immediately and drew back, embarassed.

"I did not mean any harm,"

Z: Yea... right.

she said gently. Her tone was so genteel that Makoto felt unable to tear her gaze away from the princess' angelic heart shaped face and deep aquamarine eyes.

K: <as Princess> Look into my eyes... you are feeling sleepy...
Z: What happens after that is a different matter.
CS: Guys...

She held the prefect picture of sweet, innocent beauty. The sight of her took Makoto's breath away.

K: You see?! You're doing it again!
CS: So sue me!
Z: We won't, but somebody else will. <points to irate Japanese woman>
CS: Eek!

What would she do to men? Makoto thought. She hastened a reply to her lips before she made the princess believe she was offended, "I don't mind Prin- I mean, Usagi-chan."

"Nearly slipped

K: and fell on the floor.

up there, Mako-chan."

There was a bit of an awkward moment.

Z: I love these awkward moments!
K: Yeah, at least every one shuts up. This stops em from saying more senseless, stupid things...

Neither party knew quite what to say. Makoto faced her as the princess began to speak again.

"Would you like to come to the ball next week?

Z: <as Makoto> Okay! I'll pick you up at eight!

The princes and princesses of the planets will be there,"

K: They'd have to be won't they?

Serenity frowned a little, "I am to be married to that conceited young Prince of Earth, Endymion. The ball is being held in its so called 'honour'."

Z and K: Ooh! Sarcasm!!

Makoto raised her eyebrows in surprise at the fact that no matter how mild the princess appeared to be, she was capable of such sarcasm.

K: See? Would you please refrain from...? Author? Hey... where the hell did she go?
Z: Somewhere far, far away so she hopefully won't be able to write anymore.

As if reading her thoughts,

K: Please read ours... don't write any more!

the princess smiled more bitterly than Makoto herself had been intending to. "Did you really think I was pleased about the engagement?

Z: Um... yes?

You are wrong again, Makoto.

K: <as Makoto> I'm wrong, always wrong! Why the hell am I always portrayed as so damned clueless?
CS: <who has returned> Oh, just needed to go find something to chow down on. <looks back at kitchen> Wasn't too successful though.

Endymion is not the one for me. My nurse maid is looking for me and I don't want her to succeed. Do come to the ball. Bring a friend. I'll be waiting for you."

Z: She says this in a low, confidential tone...

Makoto, rendered speechless for a while, slowly nodded her head, "I'll be seeing you, Usagi-chan," she said softly.

K: You... betcha!

"Good bye for now, Mako-chan."

Z: Why don't you just get lost already?
K: Why doesn't the author get lost already?
CS: 'Cos I wanna stay to torture you! AHAHAHAHAHAH!
Z and K: <backing away, really slow> Uh...

* * *

The creature that held Queen Serenity securely in a death like grip snarled. She had nearly let the royal one go when the raven haired girl burst in, startling her. "Stay back, or say good night to your Queen."

K: Good night and that's all folks!
Z:Ugh! That's lame!

Rei hovered in uncertainty. What could she do?

Z: <as Rei I could go to the arcade... or maybe I could do my cores... Nah! I'll go to the arcade!

The Queen's life hung in the balance.

K: So? No big loss there.
CS: But she's the queen!
Z:That's the point you see.

"What do you want exactly? Let the Queen go and we may consider your request," she readied an ofuda behind her back. She could whip it out at any moment.

K: Hey... play fair!
Z: I thought the Sailor Senshi were supposed to be more honourable than that.

It gave the most disgusting grin and spat out,"Ill take her life anyway."

K: and so what was the point of the whole exchange???

the presence of Metallia hissed impatiently at the delay. *What are you waiting for? Finish her!*

Z: You've been watching to much 'Mortal Kombat' queenie!

The youma nodded absently to itself, then drew back its arm quickly, bringing it down slowly for the maximum pain.

K: We've come to realize hwo sadistic the author really is.
Z: She's sadistic just to be subjecting us to the torture of reading this.
CS: Hey! You did it of your free will!

Rei screamed and her ofuda went flying as someone tackled the youma from the side.

K: Football style!

* * *

The first thing Marianna expected to see when she awakened were Makoto's green eyes looking down at her, not the warm grey ones of the Healer that attended to her. "Where is--" she started, but was caught. Her mouth was as dry as parchment, making speech difficult.

"Shush," the kindly woman said, placing a finger over he chapped lips. "It would actually be good if you got some fresh air,

K: <as Mari> Are You *kidding* me?!

but, seeing that it was exactly what got you in this mess in the first place, I wouldn't recommend it." She helped her up on a pillow, then poured a glass of water for her. After a few sips, she found it easier to speak. "Where is that girl? The tall brunette?"

Z: Oh... you mean your -
CS: Shut up wil you?!

"Oh, your friend was here a while go. She left because you were still asleep. I guess she didn't want to wake you."

K: <as Mari> Damn her! How could she take me as a one night stand?!

"I see," Marianna said

Z: Although the truth was, she didn't see at all.

She was a little disappointed that she wasn't there.

Z and K: Aha!
Z: We have caught you!
K: That was suggestive! It was! Don't deny it!

"By the way, who was the person who locked us in and more importantly, who saved us?" That had been bugging her a little. Who was sadistic enough to lock two people in such a cold place?

Z: The person writing?
K: All this from her sick little mind. <knocks her so hard behind the head, she topples over on the floor>
CS: Ow! Hey!

The Healer looked grim. "As to who is responsible, you can look out of the window. Yes, there it is. The green planet.

K: I thougth the Earth was the *blue* planet?
Z: Oh well, plain stupidity just can't help but inflict itself on her.

Prince Endymion strikes again. You were lucky that Princess Rei and her prince were able to find you in time. Otherwise -" She smiled to herself. "There I go again. My mouth always runs away with me. Take some rest. I'll check on you later."

Marianna nodded, then settled back into the covers.

* * *

The youma shrieked, writhing on the floor in agony. It was trying to scratch off the ofuda that was stuck firmly to it's forehead. The slip of yellow paper, on the contrary, refused to budge.

K: <as youma> I'm melting! Melting...!

Rei gasped, having the wind knocked out of her when her fiancee landed on top of her.

Z: Bumbling sentences... how unique...

The Queen crawled across the floor to grope under the bed for the Crescent Wand. When her fingers finally found the pink wand, she raised it and shouted the incantation that would eliminate the youma.

K: Ekto Phase Activate?
Z: Pretty Sammi Change?
CS: But all those are 'power up' phrases!
Z: So? <brandishes ice crystal>
CS: Eek! <topples off couch again>

"Silver Crystal Power, Illuminate!"

Z: Sounds familiar.
K: Stolen off a better fic perhaps?

Metallia's reaction was fast. Just as the rays of energy hit the youma, she teleported it back before real damage could be done. The youma were now precious and few, but she would gather more later. In the mean time, this youma was important and had to be salvaged.

Serenity breathed a sigh of relief. "That was a close call." She inclined her head towards her rescuers thankfully.

Z: But she inclined it too much and broke her neck instead.
K: Ouch...

"Ah, who might you be?"

K: Hold on! She's the princess of Mars, you invited her here, and you ask 'who might you be'?!

"Domenico and Rei of Mars, your majesty.."

Z: <as Rei> Forgive the crap name that was assigned to my ridiculous fiance.
K: <as Domie>: We were all set up...

"Thank you for your help. Without it, I would have been dead by now."

K: <as Domie>You owe us!
Z: <as Rei> Big time!

"No need, my queen... It is our duty to protect the wielder of the Silver Crystal,"

K: Which reminds me... you still haven't even mentioned the word 'senshi'. What are you trying to do anyway?
Z: <looks over her shoulder> Hey...that's part six! Quick destroy it! <the lap top is snatched away and destroyed by energy vaults>
CS: Ha! Neve mind! I still have a back up copy at home! Hahahahahahahah!

Rei said. Then she began to giggle. She turned to her love. "It looks like we're saving plenty of people of late."

K: Outside their door, a sign reads "Mars Duo! Fight Crimes For Pennies!"

She giggled some more.

The queen could only stare in confusion as to the source of her mirth.

Z: And starts to inch away. <as queen> The telephone! What was the number of that mental institution..?

* * *

Queen Metallia hissed angrily at the failed assassination attempt. However, as she scanned the youma's mind, she found interesting scraps of

K: Gossip.

information that made her think twice about the mission being a complete failure after all. There was corruption about the palace. Infidelity tainted the energy waves.

Z: Hm... the plot thins.
CS: <sarcastic> Thanks alot.

"Beryl..." she snarled. "Who is this Beryl? She is one of the most corrupt about them..."

K: Glad someone finally realizes that.

The End of Chapter 5

Z: Finally!
K: Phew...
CS: Well, Chapter 6 won't be out for a bit...
Z:Thank god! People will be save from the suffering for a while. Then again, I flatter you by actually saying you have readers.
CS: What was that? Hm... and like your cooking's great too. <sarcastic>
Z: Oh... so it's back to my cooking eh?!
K: <whispering in her ear> Why did you have to go remind him?
CS: <ignores him> It sucks!
Z: Does not!
CS: Does too!
Z: Does not!
CS: Does too!

Kunzite looks at the two squabbling.

K: Hm, my chance!

He takes up the blue stuff, realizing that even though the noxious fumes had stopped pouring out of it, it was dissolving the bottom of the dish fast. He looks at Zoi one more time to make sure he isn't being watched. Quickly, he flips a complicated looking machine up. Although it looks like a sophisticated instrument of torture, the label says other wise.

In big, block letters are the words:

INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH TRASH COMPACTOR

In a few moments, he chucks the blue stuff <still threatening to attack him> down the thing. A few sputters are heard, but after that, the thing breaks down and the blue stuff (on its own) slithers back into the dish.

K: 0_o... Okay... <looks at Zoisite and starts panicking>

And idea hits him as his eyes fall on the cook book.

K: Ow... hey... stupid idea <rubs head>

He takes the whole thing and pours it on the book. The book screams in silent agony, writhing in the hellish, demonic flames that suddenly consume it. In a moment, it is reduced to ashes and is blown away by a dramatic, anime trademark gust of wind.

K: <phew> That's the end of that.

The End


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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