In My Dreams

© 2000 by dalles


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Author's Note:

I don't think this is anything special, but I guess that is for you to decide - this was mostly written to pass the time. And yes, I realized I said I wasn't going to write dk fics for a while, but I change my mind every 5 minutes anyway. Well, if you like it please let me know at dalles_@hotmail.com. I answer everything - probably not promptly but I'll get to it *nervous laughter*

This fic deals with the idea of a male-male relationship, so if you have problems with this sort of thing, don't read the story, and don't flame me about it either. It's not really yaoi, mostly just miserable people tormented by their emotions.


In My Dreams

© 2000 by dalles

"If there is anything you wish to do here," Prince Endymion sighed "You better do it soon. We have a slight change in schedules - we'll be leaving tomorrow instead of next week."

Jadeite and Zoisite straightened up in the chairs they previously lounged lazily in - surprised by their Prince's blunt statement. Kunzite and Nephrite trailed Endymion's entrance to the room and found a place near his side.

"What?" Jadeite asked running his hands through his hair. "What happened? Has something happened on Earth?"

"No." Endymion replied. "Rather, what has happened here."

"Queen Selenity doesn't seem to like us much anymore." Kunzite cut in. He stopped himself a moment and looked for Endymion's approval to continue. He knodded.

"As you know, the relations between Earth and the Moon haven't been at their strongest these last few months. And with growing suspicions that Earth may be in cohort with the Dark Kingdom, Queen Selenity has been on edge about our stay here. She doesn't want to believe the rumors but she can't deny them either. As a result she deems it best if we leave tomorrow and have our resident Trade Ambassador take up a second job as diplomat and try and smooth things over for our hopefully prompt return."

"That's terrible..." Jadeite muttered to himself.

"Yes it is." Endymion answered back. "But nonetheless, we haven't the time to worry. Kunzite and Jadeite, I want you two to return to Earth and try to find out where these rumors are originating. You two seem to have your 'sources'; Zoisite and Nephrite, I want you with me. We'll be stopping off at four more cities before we return to Earth as a last ditch attempt to try to fix things. Although I may be prince of the Earth, I have a feeling that Zoisite's blood lines may be more important that we may think." He stopped to take a breath and look down a moment. When his head came back up it carried a new expression.

"Now then, if you'll excuse me, I must say goodbye to the princess." Endymion grinned.

"But you're not leaving till tomorrow?" Jadeite inquired.

"My point exactly," he replied. "And for all of you, I suggest you do the same."

Jadeite smirked a moment. "Until tomorrow then."

"Until then." Endymion said as he exited the room.

"Much like my prince, I have similar plans. I'll be seeing you all in the morning." Nephrite spoke. He nodded a farewell to all the kings and left the room promptly.

Jadeite and Zoisite began small talk - mostly just gossip and gibberish. Through their droning conversation, Kunzite's mind began to wander. He looked around the room - trying to avoind the obvious, but his gaze always seemed to rest on Zoisite. He didn't want it to, he didn't choose to, it always seemed to go there, without hesitation or delay. It seemed as in his eyes itched for that beautiful form, and without it reflecting into his mind, something never seemed to fit.

He had been doing that for the past week now. During long meetings, dinner, a ball, even in training sessions he gazed at him - almost longingly... But it could never be in that way. It wasn't allowed. Never a relationship between a student and a teacher; especially between two men. But still his feelings cried out and still he denied them. It was almost consuming him - the more you try not to become something; the more you are it, as were his feelings becoming stronger by him omissing them. He rarely saw Lady Venus these past few days, and worse still, he didn't want to see her.

What was wrong with him?

Yet he still watched Zoisite intently, who was now brushing his feathery bangs from his emerald eyes, attempting to remove them from his vision. Zoisite sighed heavily as he shuffled around in his chair while he continued to talk to Jadeite. He turned himself around in his chair, so that his back leaned against the arm rest and his legs dangled crossed at the other side. He sat there contently and comfortably. Kunzite forced himself to look away.

'What is wrong with me?' Kunzite asked himself. 'Lady Venus is a wonderful, beautiful girl, so why am I ignoring her for a cocky male student? Have I gone mad? And even if... no, that's just wishful thinking... but still, even if anthing were to happen, Endymion would never approve of it -'

"So what do you think Kunzite?" Jadeite asked, breaking Kunzite's train of thought.

"Pardon?" He replied.

"So what do you think? Which is better? The architecture on the Palace of the Moon on Earth, or the architecure in the palace garden here?"

"Well,..." Kunzite began. He continued on about the time periods of when they were built and so forth. Zoisite found it dreadfully boring. He didn't mind discussing it, but between Jadeite and Lady Mercury, he could stand it no more. Zoisite shifted in his chair and brushed the hair from his face again. He looked back at Kunzite.

Zoisite had never considered himself 'that way' but lately, in the past few weeks, himself and Kunzite had began working more closely with each other and so his feeling towards him had grown and changed significantly from the student-teacher relationship they once held. He continued to watch Kunzite intently, ignoring the shame that brooded in the back of his mind.

Kunzite stretched his shoulders a bit, while still talking to Jadeite. Finally, he gave into his need, surrendered his military pride and sat down. He scratched the back of his muscular neck and pulled on his jacket collar. Becoming more casual by the second, he undid the first button on his jacket, and sighed with relief. The uniform jackets were always too tight across the chest. He slouched down in his seat a bit more, brushing hair from his silver eyes. Zoisite finally bribed himself to look away. He felt so guilty with the secret feelings he harboured. He felt bad for Lady Mercury. He cared for her dearly, but that fondness dissipated by the day as his feelings for Kunzite grew.

It wasn't fair. Even if something were to happen between them it would never be approved. He could handle his father but would his prince approve? And still, people would talk behind his back, saying he was only with Kunzite to up his rank, but that wouldn't be the end of the creative rumors that were potential.

Zoisite sighed heavily.

The time between now and morning was not that long, but he guaranteed himself it would seem like forever.

* * *

The sun had set hours ago, but Kunzite still lay awake, staring up at the ceiling in his room. He wasn't even sure if he was trying to sleep - he just lay there, fully clothed staring into oblivion. It was a kind of numbing stare, the kind someone gives you when they just found out there family had died, or their lover murdered or their hometown sacked and burned by raiders. Fortnately for him, none of those had happened but still he carried that same blank, expressionless look. A lot of people would wonder why he looked this way, but obviously, he knew.

'It's bloody Zoisite.' He thought to himself. 'This is what he's done to me, reduced me to nothing ...sadder still, he hasn't even done anything yet! No... no, I'm just kidding myself. I just feel bad for Lady Venus and for not escorting her to the party tonight...'

That was true, Lady Venus had come by his room earlier in the evening to see if he wished to escort her to a 'secret' ball that his other friends would be attending. He had declined right off the bat - he wasn't in the mood for dancing (or to see Zoisite with somone else).

She asked again. "I really don't feel well" He had responded, trying to get her to leave. "Then maybe I should stay up with you?" She had replied. Kunzite should have seen that coming but his mind was just too clouded with torturous thoughts. He turned down her offer and began to shoo her to the door. As he did so, she repeatidly begged him, mostly in a playful manner, but begging none the less.

"Oh, please come down with me! Please! It'll be lots of fun! A party can't hurt you any, I bet you you'll feel a lot better after a dance and a chat with your friends!" he remembered her say.

Trying his nerves to the end he declined with such coldness she had left the room faster than even an unwelcome guest should.

"No!" He had finally yelled, as if scolding an annoying child. She froze in her steps and gave him a momentary shocked expression.

"Very well," she said "If you do change your mind, you know where I'll be... I hope you do feel better - you have been acting differently this past week." She had closed the door quietly behind her and left Kunzite standing in the middle of the room, looking like a man who had lost everything, and now only realised it. After repeatedly swearing and hitting his head against the wall he had retired to his bed and took the very position that lay with him till this very moment.

'Yes, definitely what I've done to Lady Venus has put me in this mood. That, and I am honestly not feeling well...'

Kunzite listened to the silence for a moment.

"I'm sick with love." He snorted aloud bitterly. Kunzite rolled over onto his side, narrowing his eyes and clenching his jaw. He now glared at a wall.

'It's not like I would even have a chance with Zoisite anyway. And even if we were together how would I know he wasn't with me out of fear, or because I'm his teacher... no - that's stupid, I know Zoisite, he would just chuckle have his fun and go back to his lovers the very next day. He could have any girl he liked. He already has at least five wrapped arould his little finger as I speak. He's a player and a flirt and there is no reason he could or would ever want me. I'd be last on his list - hell, the prince probably comes before me!' Kunzite rolled over again, now onto his stomach where he mashed his face into his pillow.

'And even if I were to get through all those setbacks he still has Lady Mercury. They make the most unlikely pair - but I suppose that's why it's lasted so long. Out of all the girls he's chased and ended up with, or had swoon over him, she was the only one who didn't succumb to either. There is no way to break them up - they're too tight. Probably nothing short of death could separate them right now.'

Kunzite knew he was exaggerating, but still, maybe (he hoped) it would help him get by this - and all his mixed up feelings, but gods, how Kunzite wished Zoisite would come knocking at his door this very moment... Still, it was futile, he would never get to sleep at this rate. Balling up the unsorted thoughts, emotions and longings, Kunzite sat up on his bed and brushed his messy hair from his face as he eyed the solitary object on his dresser. A dustly cup next to a half filled decanter of wine. He damn well knew it was no permanent solution, but even if temporary, at least it would ebb the pain in his aching heart.

* * *

Zoisite stared out of his huge bay window and sighed. The sun had long since set and slipped behind the sea of tranquility, but Zoisite still stood there, staring out into the velvety twilight of the sky. The stars twinkled, and a cool breeze lifted his hair and washed into his room, stirring loose papers.

It was such a calm, perfect evening.

Twilight had escaped the grasp of night quietly and smoothly - and thus the stars and Earth had risen into the night sky with such perfection that one would wonder if it were all a dream.

Zosite knew it wasn't... but still wished it were. He longed for the wan landscape of the planet he look down upon.

His whole life was something for the gossipers. Sure, he may be high born, but with all those privileges came a price - and a much greater responsibility. And if anyone were to find out how he truly felt, what truly lay in his heart it would not only destroy his reputation, but his very self as well.

And it was all Kunzite's fault.

Well, not directly, but the more they were apart, the more it ate at Zoisite. The less he saw of him the more it drove him to insanity. The vacancy within his heart, the tearing at his soul, the worries and paranoia in his mind, the sleepless nights, the false hopes and dreams he kept, and the overall emptiness that plagued him. The way he felt when they were apart was of such loneliness that it was as if he was missing a part of himself. But as the distance grew between then, thus did the great empty void as well.

And all of this pain, all of this longing could be cured with one glance from Kunzite, one hello, one smile, one simple gesture towards Zoisite... but if any of these were below the expectation, less than friendly or even in direct omission it would bother Zoisite until the next meeting where, hopefully, he would receive something better than a shrugged hello. It was blatent torture, but that's what love is. With all hapiness comes a price. Zoisite damn well knew that, and sometimes he thought there was more pain than hapiness.

Yet when there was any sort of love or pleasure, for even a second, it seemed to erase all the ache, all the torment, all the anguish that was there before. It was strange, both love and despair, completely different emotions, yet somehow managed to ride in the same boat - side by side.

He figured that if you only carried one, there would be something wrong - too much love and happiness would consume you to the point where you couldn't differentiate reality from dreams. Despair as well. With all the sorrow and grief would cloud your vision and once more, you would be locked in a world where only your pain ruled, and anything fom reality would be outright dismissed. If Zoisite were to fall in any of those two categories, it would most definitely be the latter. All of those thoughts screamed through his head at ever moment of his life, never leaving him to peace, not one moment of silence.

Nothing.

All of this because of the longing he felt for Kunzite. His mentor. His friend. It would never be allowed, never deemed appropriate, but Zoisite had to know. He had to confront Kunzite. It may very well be the worst mistake of his natural years but he had to know, he may loose his friend for life, even his position as a guard if this expression was taken less than kindly, but damn it, Zoisite had to know.

He spun around off the balcony, slamming the glass, double doors behind him and grabbed his uniform jacket from the hook it hung from on the wall. He yanked it on with force and buttoned it up messily. He gathered up his hair at the nape of his neck and tied it quickly. Although barely presentable, he might as well go in uniform, formality could always be an ally... but perhaps not so much in this situation.

Without waiting for his nerves or his shyness to catch up with is actions he quickly left his suite and headed down the hall to Kunzite's room. It wasn't far at all. He could see the door from his room. But tonight, this would seem like a long walk. He took his steps graciously. He didn't want to run, or stumble along, he wanted to walk with pride, because Zoisite wasn't sure if he was too proud with what he was about to do. He reached Kunzite's door and stared at it a moment. It was dreadfully plain, only a gold name plate that carried his name gave the door any class. He slowly clenched his fist and gradually rose it to the door. He pulled his fist back a small ways, preparing to knock -

"There you are, sweetie, I was looking for you." Came the familiar call of Lady Mercury.

Zoisite stopped.

Lady Mercury!

Had he forgotten about her?

Had he?...

He had!

Zoisite couldn't believe how easily he had forgotten her, how easily he dismissed her when he thought of Kunzite. Perhaps it should tell him something of his true feeling for her, but he was too ashamed to look at the deeper meaning. He turned around, rearranging his embarrassed face to a smile.

"Lady Mercury," he said formally. "I didn't expect to see you here?"

"Well," She began approaching him and wrapping her arms tightlly around his waist. "There is a ball tonight - a secret one. It will be our last together... you surely must come."

Zoisite thought a moment. If there were a ball Kunzite must be there with Lady Venus.

Lady Venus.

He had forgotten about her, too. Kunzite's love. Zoisite felt so stupid. To just asssume Kunzite had no life, no love, and only waited in his room for Zoisite's unexpected arrival. How stupid he felt indeed, and how stupid he was to consider what he was about to do.

Zoisite nodded in agreement to Lady Mercury's suggestion and he put his arm around her waist as they began back down the hall. Maybe Zoisite did long for Kunzite, maybe he even loved him. But he also cared for Mercury, and assumed Kunzite did for Venus as well. It was a terrible situation, but at least he had someone, even if he was unsure of how he truly felt for her. As cruel as it sounded, he wasn't sure of what else to do.

* * *

Zoisite clenched his jaw.

He had bid farewell to Lady Mercury earlier that day because he knew she wished to return to her studies, and he knew how much that meant to her. So why couldn't Lady Venus have done the same?

But no, there she was, smothering Kunzite with farewell hugs and kisses as Jadeite waited impatiently for Kunzite to aid in the re-opening of the gate that would take the two back to earth.

Zoisite wasn't sure if it was his own secret longing for Kunzite inside him, or the truth of what his eyes saw, but to himself, at least, Kunzite did not look to impressed with the overly placed displays of affection showered by Venus.

Zoisite had always known that Kunzite liked to keep private matter private. Venus, on the other hand either didn't know or bothered to care. He knew it didn't matter anyway. She would do so, nonetheless.

Zoisite watched from a slight distance. He stood, arms crossed, relaxing against a pillar next to Nephrite. Endymion was nowhere to be seen, though everyone knew where he could be located. Zoisite found it moderately insulting that their own Prince they were sworn to protect wouldn't bother to say good-bye to his guards, one of which a greater tactician that Endymion himself. But Zoisite knew that Kunzite understood...he always seemed to.

Finally, the sickening scene ended as Kunzite finally managed to fit in words between Venus' bombardment of kisses. Zoisite couldn't hear what he said; likely along the lines of 'go away...I have to go to work...people are staring...' and so on. He could rather sharp with her at times. Lady Venus wiped a tear from her eye, hugged him one last time and walked away slowly, re-joining the mesh of palace officials, guards and so-forth who were the Prince's send-offs. Selenity would not be found with the crowd, she had spoken her farewell to the four a few hours ago.

Kunzite began to walk towards Jadeite. But he did something Zoisite had never expected. He paused, turned slightly and began to approch the two Kings relaxing slightly in the shade.

Nephrite immediately stood at attention. Zoisite didn't bother to move.

"Nephrite, I want you to take good care of Zoisite for me." Kunzite said in his official 'I am the commanding general so you better listen to me' tone. In a strange sense, Zoisite took it as a slight flatterey for himself. Kunzite only used that tone when ordering people around, and, though he did that often, he rarely used that tone of voice.

He knew it was silly and grabbing at undertones that weren't there, but at least it was something.

Nephrite nodded "I will do so as you wish, Kunzite."

"Though his training is nearly finished, and more than capable for looking out for himself, he is still my responsibility, regardless."

Zoisite smiled slightly.

"It would despair me to see such talent destroyed." Kunzite added.

Zoisite found it annoying that the two were talking about him as though he were in another room, or rather, a small child. He spoke up.

"I think I can take care of myself, Kunzite. I'm not the same person I was when first assigned to you."

Though Kunzite's focus was directed at Nephrite, he sent Zoisite a sharp look from the corner of his eye. Not a threatening one, one almost of surprise, or acceptance of a challenge.

He turned to Zoisite.

"Alright. Then Zoisite, I wish of you to look out for Nephrite for me. He is extremely talented and I would hate to see such skill destroyed." He joked. Nephrite snorted. Zoisite smiled.

The two looked at each other a moment before Nephrite's interruption.

"The Prince has informed me that our diplomatic communications shouldn't take any longer than three weeks - we should be rejoining you on Earth by the end of the month."

"Until we meet again, I bid the two of you farewell."

Zoisite wondered why he was being so formal. He was always like that when trying to hide something. It was probably just the embarassing scene Lady Venus had all to happily created.

He turned again to Zoisite.

"And I trust that you will be able to stay out of trouble..."

Zoisite smirked.

"Just as long as you or Nephrite don't give me reason to."

The three, almost simultaniously sensed the overly elongated farewell and all bowed slightly. Well, Kunzite and Nephrite bowed respectively, Zoisite still leaned against the pillar, and shrugged a half-bow. He could only get away with that around Kunzite and occasionally Endymion. He knew it irritated Kunzite, but he liked to play mind-games like that with him.

As Kunzite rose from his bow, he sent a glance at Zoisite, eventually meeting his eyes at the end. Again, it wasn't a look of disapproval or annoyance, just a look. He stared into Zoisite's eyes; green like the grass and trees of home. And Zoisite into his pale, stone-cold silver eyes.

"Farewell." Zoisite muttered. Kunzite turned around and walked back towards the awaiting Jadeite.

He didn't feel like watching anymore and retreated back into the Palace. He'd find Endymion and tell him it was time to leave.

He slipped quietly through the small group unnoticed.

Nephrite watched him leave from the corner of his eye. He could tell that Zoisite was bothered by something, but what? Something always irked the young man, but this was different.

He leaned back against the pillar and watched Kunzite and Jadeite reopen the gate that would take the two back home. Nephrite loved the quite tranquility of the Moon, but Earth was home and that was where he belonged.

The gate opened with a flash. Near black frames with purple hues encircled a dark interior to a world below. Jadeite stepped through, then Kunzite. Before he did, he sent a short glance in the direction of where Nephrite stood.

Somehow, Nephrite knew it wasn't intended for him.

For someone else.

He smiled slightly at the idea.

- Fin -


End Notes:

Well that was it. Something I threw together one bored, sleep deprived night. Hope you liked it.

Unrequited, unexpressed love hurts, regardless of shape or form.

(...I think we all knew that, though :p)


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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