Wannabe

© 2000 by dalles


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Author's Note:

Before You Begin: Alright, alright... I'm apologizing to you before you even begin to read. This is the sequel to Wannabe -- another very dumb story by me. I actually finished this almost a year ago, but then I lost it, and then I found it, and then I didn't care, then recently I figure I might as well post it and scare off a few people. This will probably be the last Dark Kingdom fic from me for a while. Aside from my new found lack of free time, sadly, theses evil guys just don't inspire me the way they used to (that, and I'm on a FF7 kick right now) But worry not fair maidens, I'm sure I will continue this unrewarding hobby of mine. I figure I might as well leave this scene for now with a bang. (A bang being a semi-nonsolemn declaration as to my insanity) What does it matter anyway? Nobody ever reads this junk...

ANYWAY, this is by far, the dumbest, most pointless thing I have ever written in my entire life (it's even worse than the original) yes... that is possible. I also made slight reference to another fic by the name of Tacky Yellow No-Names, many apologies if I offended any of the authors. I also made reference to a few other games, movies (etc) you should get the jokes (because they're generic or explained) -- many apologies again if I offended any of their owners. Well, I accept all feedback so spread the love and flame today!

N.b: The following stand for --

You can find the home sites to all of these places on the net, except for CHUBB, I just made that one up ^_^? (Although if you read between the lines, I am making a statement with it)

Well, on with the atrocity....


The one and only time Sailor Pluto left the Time Door for a cup of coffee

(A.k.a. Wannabe 2: The Attack of the Killer Crossovers!)

Written By: dalles (dalles_@hotmail.com)

The Negaverse (or rather the delightful pet name "Sugar Factory" that had been adapted by the Sailor Scouts) hadn't changed much. Or, rather if compared to it's once evil counterpart on a scale, it would balance out perfectly. Only now, instead of it's once murder inflicting darkness that could scare even the toughest youma, now came the sugary high brightness that caused even the cheeriest child to be on a permanent sugar fix (It still scared the youma away.) The Grand Halls once dripped of shadows, but now screamed (in terror) of the horrid neon's, pastels, and cute Sanrio characters that plastered its walls and ceilings. The once cold granite surface where many a warrior had fallen now had been replaced with Power Ranger floor tiles, complete with the limited edition "Zordon Collection". Amidst the permanent depression this room set upon all who saw it a delightfully cheerful call echoed through it.

"Malachite! MAAALLL-AAA-CHITE!" Timmy screamed with disgust. "Hurry up! My Kool-Aid cooler is getting warm!" He screeched again. Timmy sat there drumming his fingers impatiently awaiting the arrival of the former General.

"Malachite! Jadeite! Zoisite! ..." He thought a moment, exerting maximum use of his brain. "Nephlyte...Somebody!" He yelled again. Nothing happened.

"Now where could they be?" He mumbled to himself.

"I know it's not my place," Beryl began, putting her sponge down. "But I really don't blame them if they ran away."

Timmy glared at her narrowing his eyes into such tiny slits that it was impossible to see through.

"You know Beryl, that Zordon tile over there looks a little dirty." He snarled directing his wooden pointer to the tile.

"If I wash that stupid tile where Zordon and Rita get married one more time I think I'm going to vomit on the one where the Puddys are doing the 'YMCA'!" She snarled back venomously. Timmy shot her a nasty look (one she even had trouble topping). Grumbling, she went back to work. Ever since she had lost that 'stupid' marble game no more did she hold her once high position. Well, she still had it - but in a more demoralizing fashion. She was now the one they call Chief of Cleaning Staff, Beryl. Instead of having the magnificent powers she once did hold that could destroy all in sight now just did the laundry - Windex Wax Activation and Tilex Tiara Power just to name a few. Alas, she was now just another cleaning lady...and hated, too. While she swore at the Silver Ranger for the umpteenth time, our four heroes made their entrance.

"Malachite! Where have you been?" Timmy hollered, probably straining every vocal chord in his neck. Malachite raised an eyebrow and snorted.

"Doing stuff. I have a life, too, you know."

"What! You dare question The Great Timmy?" The boy king hollered; foaming at the mouth in Mal's face. Malachite jumped with fright and started to cry on Zoisite's shoulder.

"Big mistake..." Jadeite commented quietly.

"Anyway," Timmy continued. Zoisite twitched a moment. "I have a very important mission for you...but only one of you. I require the most competent, responsible, powerful general to carry out my mission."

"Now why does this sound familiar?" Nephlyte chuckled. Timmy shot him a look. The Generals looked amongst themselves a moment.

"Uhh...oh, mighty lord, what is thy mission?" Malachite asked quietly.

"I'm in love!" Timmy yelled girlishly back in his face. Jadeite rolled his eyes.

"With whom?" Malachite asked again. "...Oh mighty lord that rules over us puny immortals." He added after quickly.

"Chibi-Usa!" He cried joyously.

"God, no." Jadeite mumbled.

"WHAT?" Timmy screeched in decibels higher than that known to Earth or any other messed up dimensional rift, for that matter.

"Uhh...er..." Jadeite thought a moment. He couldn't even remember what he had said that was so offensive.

"Umm...F5?" He guessed. Timmy cackled with child filled laughter before he sent Jadeite to his untimely doom (again).

"Beryl, you've been a good worker lately...do in Jadeite with one of your delightful powers." Timmy smiled, while Jadeite looked frantically around for an escape.

"But Timmy -" She began. Timmy shot her a look and cleared his throat. "Sorry," She continued. "Oh, all high and mighty lord that rules over my former kingdom... can't I just run him through with my dust pan, or something less embarrassing that my...uh 'Powers'?"

"Malachite, you've got to help me!" Jadeite begged, while the Janitor and Supreme ruler argued for the 400th time. "Please! She's going to send me to watch over those weird kids at the other end of the hall...you know the ones with the sideburns and uni-brows?"

"Jadeite, I'm sorry...er... I'll avenge your death or something..." Malachite replied hesitantly patting him on the back robotically.

"But...but...er...I...um..." Jadeite mumbled as youma began dragging him away to his untimely fate.

"Ya! You avenge my death good!" He finally called back.

"Okay, look, Jadeite, you deserve a better end than this one but this is the best I can do." Beryl foretold morbidly. She paused a moment looking over Jadeite.

"Windex Wax Activation!" She finally summoned, and, before Jadeite could bust a gut from laughter he was covered with a 'too blue' ice that reeked of the hateful cleaner. Normally, this would be a sad time, but the Generals couldn't help but laugh, as well as the surrounding Youma. They rolled about the floor, some even cried.

"SILENCE!" Timmy yelled.

The Generals continued.

"SHUT UP!"

Malachite continued.

"MALACHITE!"

Malachite stopped and looked about the room nervously.

"That's it! Malachite, you're taking the mission." Nephlyte declared. The other general mumbled and nodded exaggeratedly in agreement.

"What?" Malachite yelled. "I'm the highest ranking out of all you guys... I'm not supposed to do youma work."

"All the youma I sent to do that task either died or came back smelling funny." Timmy cut in.

"But...but...but..." Malachite stammered. Zoisite walked up to Malachite and grabbed his shoulders.

"It is your duty to serve this kingdom, no matter how retarded the service may be. Now go... and may the force be with you."

Sniffling his sobs, shoulders slumped, and head hung, Malachite slowly headed towards the giant door at the end of the hall to meet his fate, but stopped halfway and yelled back.

"What exactly am I supposed to do again?"

"Invite Chibi-Usa over for dinner you moron! Must I repeat my self every time?" Timmy yelled back. "And dress as a commoner, I don't want you to attract attention."

"Umm... you never even..." Malachite began, but trailed off not wanting to succumb to Jadeite's fate. Malachite began for the door once again.

"Oh, and sweetie," Zoisite yelled back. "Make sure you wear those sequin hot pants I got you for your birthday, they look great on you!"

"Ummm, Zoisite, I don't really think they're appropriate if you know what I mean?" Malachite yelled back.

Beryl threw down her sponge in defiance and joined the conversation.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Wear them. You've got a great ass, show it off!"

The three generals and their omnipotent leader turned their heads and all gave her a funny look.

"What? ...well he does!" Was her only response before she went back to work.

Not wanting to hear the end of it, Malachite spun around on his heels and fled from the hall before he heard anything more, deciding that seeing Chibi-Usa may not be that bad compared to putting up with them.

* * *

The machine was ready. They had been building it for decades but now it was complete. It was barely sea worthy, but it was ready. There were a couple of small holes in the hull and it was taking water in at an alarming rate, but it was ready. Due to the size of the holes compared to the size of the ship and amount of water it had taken in, this presented the problem that there may in fact be a larger hole somewhere else on the boat, but still, nonetheless, it was ready. The builders didn't care much though, just as long as it stayed upright long enough to complete its mission.

Lyonite drummed his fingers in annoyance.

"Will you people bloody hurry it up already! I've been waiting to die for 11 years, 4 months, 26 days, 13 hours, 42 minutes and 15 seconds ...This is getting a little tedious!" He yelled without respect to the suffering souls around him. A youma next to him snorted in humor.

"What?" Lyonite hissed.

"I've been here 2 seconds longer than you have." The youma giggled. "I beat you! ...tee hee hee hee"

"I don't like you... go away." Lyonite grumbled.

"Ya, where... I'm sort of, oh say: STRAPPED DOWN!" He yelled in Lyonite's ear. In response, Lyonite tried to bite the youma with no avail.

"Will you people please be quiet! *sniffle* I'm about to die and I would like to die peacefully and happily."

"Oh shut up, Britney." Lyonite whined in annoyance. "You're almost as bad as Chibi-Usa and worse than Jadeite. And I still don't get why that lucky @#*$!&% was allowed to leave."

"Please," Britney Spears whined. "You have got to do something. I'm too young and beautiful and talented to die! You have got to save me!"

"Oh, go e-mail my heart." Was all he said in response, then preceded to ignore her.

At that point the crowds on the docks surrounding the ship started to cheer loudly and the giant war machine whose name was Battleship lurched from the port and onward to its destination and destruction at the Electronic Battleship society home city. Lyonite laughed maniacally. But, unfortunately, for both Lyonite and Battleship World two meters from the dock the boat became lop sided and began to sink Titanic style. And even sadder still (for Lyonite) his end was not the part that was being submerged in water first. He screamed out in annoyance, then in pain, then in sadness then just out of he fact that he had severe mental problems that needed correcting.

"No." He whimpered in a shrieking tone. "It's not fair! I was supposed to die! DIE! I've been waiting all this time and for what, just to wait even #%@*!%& longer?"

Lyonite began sobbing uncontrollably.

"Damn you, Beryl!" He cursed at the sky. "Damn you all the way to hell!"

Through all the commotion nobody noticed that Lyonite had disappeared. Stranger still they did notice a giant hand come from the sky.

* * *

Wow... that's pretty cool...

Who are you?

...Uhhh...

I don't like you, please leave.

Make me.

...

* * *

Malachite was in a foul mood. Not only had both Beryl and Zoisite had accosted him on his departure from the Negaverse, but had somehow convinced him to wear the hot pants but also a CUTE shirt sent to him by Timmy. Boy was he a sight. His silvery hair was now matted and dull and contained one swirly loli-pop a kid had stuck in his hair before he left. Mauled and tangled because of that; his hair had to be confined to a ponytail so it wouldn't suffer further embarrassment. Little did he know that the hair tie had came out 2 blocks ago and was now one big tangled mess protruding out of the back of his head, sinisterly resembling a bird nest. His tattered cape just added to the magic of his pink and white Project CHUBB tee shirt (He had thrown out the CUTE shirt the second he had left Negaverse property). His sequin-decked hot pants didn't do justice to the gladiator sandals he wore. (Well, they weren't actually gladiator sandals, rather imitation ones he had picked up at Wal-Mart that had Velcro straps and pictures of Darth Maul on them). Malachite snarled as he stopped and sat down on a bench next to a bunch of dead hedges. A couple of people walked by and threw some spare change and hair care coupons at him. One of these people included Darien.

"Hey, Darien, wait!" Malachite called.

"Hmm?" Replied Darien as he turned around to see a familiar looking bag lady. His Project CURE shirt glinted in the sun.

"Where'd you get the 'Project CURE' tee-shirt?" Malachite asked wide-eyed.

"Joined the club, why?"

"Geez, you gotta become a member, huh?" He said rubbing the back of his head. "Well, can I have it anyway?"

"No - look, could you make this fast... I'm kind of 'busy'," Darien replied a little anxiously.

"Stalking Serena again?"

"Ya," Darien replied. "What do you want my shirt for anyway; you already have one - you're wearing it."

"What, CHUBB?" Malachite laughed.

"Project what?" The wheels inside Darien's head lurched to a start.

"CHUBB." Replied Malachite.

"You lost me at 'hello'."

"Hi."

"Shut up, Malachite." A few screws began to fly form his head.

"CHUBB. CHibi-Usa's really(B) Boring" Malachite answered.

"Where did the 2nd B come form?"

"Boring."

"Then the 1st B."

"Really." More wheels began to turn in Darien's head. This must have really got him thinking.

"But there's no B in Really."

"The B is silent, you don't pronounce it." Malachite replied, rolling his eyes.

"Reallyb?" Darien answered back blankly.

"No. Really(B)."

But that was all Darien's Head could handle. More screws began to fly and steam squeaked out of empty spaces. Darien momentarily shut down. Malachite groaned. He fished around in his pocket to look for something to screw the screw back in place. He finally came across a nickel; he figured it would work. He knelt down and began digging through the pile at Darien's feet. Finally, he found it. Standing back up, Malachite screwed the screw back in place, being careful not hit anything more out of place. Darien jump started again and began to banter on about ice cream and gold fish.

As if, being forced to talk to Chibi-Usa while being ridiculously dressed wasn't enough, all of a sudden, out of the blue (came green) and people began to flicker on and off down the street. Too add to it, Darien's clothes began to change back and fourth between putrid greens, tacky yellows and browns that previously before had thought to have never existed. Malachite, seeming to be unaffected by all of this, began to look around and up. The sky swirled with weird colors and anti-space as a large black crystal flickered on and off in the polluted city skyline. A strangely dressed man with a black whip decked out in jewelry and tacky clothes walked by, bumping in to him.

"Sorry." he mumbled. He took a few more steps then stopped. He turned around dramatically and gazed at Malachite.

"How can you live your life being so ugly and having such rotten hair." The orange-haired man stated bluntly. "You should strive to be more like Me." he added pointing his hand at his chest, and emphasized the word 'me'. With that, he walked off and attempted to cross the street, but was almost hit by a mini-van with the title 'The Witches 5' scrawled on the side. He yelled obscenities at it while an unknown red head attempted to shoot him with a strange gun. He snarled and made a face before he flicked his wrist and called forth a warp hole with orange-red fire circling it. He was sucked in and disappeared, taking his shiny black boots and all.

"Weird." Malachite said under his breath as he looked around some more. The scene was very, very weird indeed. It was as if all the Sailormoon seasons had been mixed up and were now being combined into some kind of odd hybrid episode/special. (Of course, Malachite didn't know that seeing how he died in the first season). Out of all this chaos he noticed a strange purple, swirling cloud in the middle of the street trying to suck up some odd kid dressed like a mouse. Malachite stared blindly at it. He recognized the scene after a few moments and decided it had to be a time warp of some kind. He grabbed Darien (Who was still trying to figure out where the first B had come from). Malachite ran up to the mouse and shoved her aside. She stuck out her tongue at him before a telephone booth whisked her away to an unknown destination.

"What are we doing here?" Darien asked as he looked around at his new surroundings, mesmerized by its magic. (They were about 12 feet away from the original location.)

"I think it's some sort of time warp." Malachite answered.

"Where will it take us? ...and are we going to start dancing?"

Ignoring the last question, he responded to the first. "How the heck should I know? Anything better than asking Chibi-Usa out on a date for Timmy." The warp hole began to suck himself and Darien up into it's swirling purple clouds of bizarreness. When they reached to top there was a bright flash as the two intrepid adventurers were whisked away to some magical land far, far away... (As did the weird scene surrounding them.)

* * *

...So they went to OZ then?

Shut up.

* * *

Malachite and Darien appeared in a puff of smoke on a cold parking lot in some alternate universe. Before them rose a giant, 30 foot neon sign reading Mal-Mart in vibrant letters. The sign sat delicately on a crumpling black roof on a black building. The lot was filled with black cars against a grim grayish backdrop of a sky.

Malachite looked around happily to see no sugary kid in sight, only snarling pedestrians dressed in drab clothes too caught up in their personal problems to care about the new arrivals. Malachite looked down at his garments to see his shirt replaced by a black and yellow Project CURE one. His hot pants were also replaced with tan chinos and his gladiator sandals with black Dr. Martins. He laughed maniacally startling a few lazy crows into flight. Malachite looked at Darien as he stood up. His clothes had returned too normal while his shirt had been replaced by a Pink and yellow Project CHIP one. Malachite laughed again. He marched up to the store's one small wooden door and flung it open. Darien followed blindly.

* * *

"Ow!" Mina whined. "Get off my head Serena."

"Well, if Rei would move her fat butt I would!" She hissed back.

"My butt is not fat!" Rei screeced.

"Guys, will you pipe down - she's going to find us if you three don't shut up!" Lita chastised.

"I'm going to have to agree with Lita on that one." Ami chimed in. Ridiculous as hiding in a closet was, the Sailor Scouts, and their two guardians did just that. Although you couldn't blame them. There was no school today for Chibi-Usa and she fully intended to spend the whole day with the scouts, something they, themselves did not want to do. And so they all sat silently in the small, dark, cramped closet, awaiting the inevitable. Suddenly, Rei started to twitch. Then giggle.

"Tee-hee-hee" She giggled. "There's something in the air... hee hee..."

"Uh oh." Lita said, fear creeping into her words.

"Is she here?" Ami whispered.

"Well, that would explain why my teeth hurt." Mina added. Rei continued to giggle, increasing her volume with each passing second.

"Quiet down, Rei, she's going to hear us." Serena chided quietly. Rei didn't stop. In a bold attempt, Lita lunged out in the dark and grabbed at Rei's head, wrapping her hand around her mouth, silencing her. Except, in that bold 'lunge' she had, in fact, jumped, and landed partially on Serena and kneed Mina in the head.

"Ow!" They both shrieked in unison.

"Quiet guys!" Ami whispered loudly. She breathed in deeply and then shuddered. "Guys, I can smell it back here, too... she must be close..."

"Aw man..." Mina cried, rubbing her head.

"It's so... sweet!" Ami declared loudly. Quickly, Lita shoved Rei into Mina's arms and twisted back around at Ami, defying a few laws of physics, grabbing at her so she could also silence her. But Ami was too smart for that and she moved forward, dodging Lita completely (who ended up ramming into a wall, and again, hitting Mina in the head with her leg.) But with four people and two cats shoved up against the door, it couldn't handle the weight and began to buckle, and creak.

"Hurry up and move, Serena! The door is going to burst any minute!" Mina yelled, spitting hair from her mouth.

"I can't." She called again, Rei's butt is still in the way, I can't move anywhere -"

Serena was never able to finish her sentence, for the door could only handle so much weight, and unfortunately for them, there was too much. It creaked, and shifted, only delaying the inevitable longer, finally, all at once, the door cracked and the hinges broke, sending five girls and two cats into one heaping pile on the floor, right in front of Chibi-Usa.

"There you are!" She cried cheerily. "I was looking for you!"

"Really? Wow, we didn't know..." Serena responded nervously.

"Here, Chibi-Usa." Lita said, handing Ami and Rei to her. "Why don't you take care of them, I don't think they're well... you can play doctor with them."

"Really?" She asked wide-eyed. "But can the kitty's help me?"

"They sure can!" Lita replied quickly. Both Artemis and Luna shot her a nasty look that told her one-day she would feel their wrath.

"Hmm." Serena thought aloud, looking at her answering machine. "I better check my messages." Serena walked over to the table it sat on and pressed the big black, shiny button to play the messages.

The first one was dead air. So were the second, and the third. In the fourth and fifth there was the sound of heavy breathing. In the sixth music could be heard: Every breath you take, with every move you make. Every bond you break, every step you take - I'll be watching you...(and so on.) In the seventh the same music could be heard...then the sound of a glass dropping, and somebody swearing, and the phone hanging up. In the eighth messages, the same song played and the sound of breathing could be heard once again.

"Darian stalking you again?" Mina asked innocently.

"Ya..." Serena replied sweetly - then hit the delete button on them all.

"Aieeeeeeee!" Rei shrieked, hiding behind a table form Chibi-Usa. "Get it away. Get it away. Get it away. Get it away!"

"Rei," Ami called out, from her safe spot behind the couch. "If you don't move, she can't find you."

"We have to help them." Mina whispered to Serena and Lita.

"I think I have an idea." Serena said, then giggled.

"Oh, Chibi-Usa... I have something for you." Serena said as she pulled a pack of pixie sticks from her pocket.

"Are you sure that's a wise thing to do?" Lita whispered.

"Shhh... she knows what she's doing." Mina hushed. The two watched in awe as Serena slowly lured Chibi-Usa away from poor Rei and slowly baited her into the storage closet. Quickly, Serena threw it in, Chibi-Usa ran after it and in less than a second, Serena closed and bound the door from the outside. Serena was glad that the door somehow managed to miraculously fix itself.

"That should hold her for a while." She said, dusting her hands off.

"Now, in all scientific aspects, I think we should do one thing." Ami began.

"RUN!" They all yelled in unison.

* * *

Ami's supercomputer beeped repeatedly as the five scouts and two cats lounged on a bench very far away form where Chibi-Usa resided.

"And what exactly are you doing again?" Rei asked in annoyance.

"There has been another disturbance in the very fabric of time and space. I have to pinpoint it so we can fix the problem."

"Why do we have to do it? Can't somebody else? What about that Tuxedo Mask double... what's his face... Suit Mask?" Lita asked, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"Tuxedo Kamen." Mina answered.

"But more importantly guys, can't we do this calculation stuff across the street in the shade? Where my ice cream won't melt." Serena whined.

"Oh can it!" Rei snapped.

"What's your problem?" Serena asked, in that nasty tone girls tend to use.

"She's still bitter about the whole 'fat butt' thing." Mina answered.

"Mina!" Rei yelled.

"Children!" Luna called out. "Calm down, you act as if fighting is the only thing left to do these days."

"Well, it's not like there's a Negaverse to fight or anything." Lita giggled.

"I suppose we do have something to do, if you count running away from Chibi-Usa." Serena added.

"Hey, it's a good work out too." Mina chimed in.

"Got it!" Ami yelled.

"Got what?" Serena asked, her mouth full of ice cream.

"I've figured out what is wrong - this should do it." Ami replied, pressing a button. Nothing happened.

"Oh sorry," She added. "Forgot to carry the 1... Now it should work." And she pressed the button. At first nothing happened but then the sky suddenly darkened and began to swirl with anti-space with an odd giant black crystal flickering back and forth in the distance.

"Hey, I remember that." Lita said, pointing at the crystal.

"Over here, guys." Ami said, motioning at a low, swirling purple cloud. The Scouts walked over to the purple cloud and began floating up towards it.

"Ami, are you sure this is a good idea?" Rei asked nervously.

"That, and where are we going?" Mina added. Ami shrugged.

"I have no idea, and anywhere is better than here."

"Oh great..." Serena mumbled. "I am not transforming if I can help it - do you have any idea how much weight I've probably put on since the last time I've had to battle?"

* * *

Malachite was in heaven. Pure bliss. All around him, in this store that carried his name, was depressing, drab products that probably didn't even make it through quality control, and he was loving it. Darien, who was still confused on how he got there (not the alternate universe, but the store) wandered around blindly, trying to get a sales person to help him. They all snarled and spat foul words at him. Malachite laughed maniacally. One of the sales people turned around and looked at Malachite, as if recognizing the cackle.

"Oh... Lord Malachite, we weren't expecting you back so soon... please, come with me." The sales clerk said motioning for him to follow. "Your friend, too. And fear not, oh humble leader, we shall get you a better change of clothes... for both of you." The clerk added, eyeing Darien's shirt with disgust.

* * *

After Malachite was changed comfortably back into his Dark Kingdom uniform and Darien in his tuxedo they were seated in a plain, small room with a scuffed up table and three chairs, of which, one was broken. They sat and they waited, staring at the forever-cooling can of beans that sat on the table.

"Why exactly are we here again?" Darien asked, scratching his head momentarily pondering the edibility of the food that rested before him.

"We are here because I am owner of this store and ruler of this land."

"Really?"

"Well, I'm not sure about the second, but eventually it will happen." Malachite grumbled crossing his legs.

"Uh huh."

They sat in silence a moment. For only a moment because Malachite couldn't take it any longer.

"That's it!" He yelled. "I'm getting out of here!" And with that, he jumped up, let his cape flap in a nonexistent wind a moment before running out of the door, slamming it behind him dramatically.

Darien still sat there.

The door opened a crack, and Malachite stuck his head out.

"Are you coming?" He asked. Darien, now realizing he was invited, clumsily leapt to his feet, knocking over his chair, made his cape flap manually, grabbed the can of beans and chased after Malachite, eating as he ran.

* * *

Outside, the building didn't seem that big, but inside, Malachite was sure there was some secret part because they had been wandering around for at least an hour and hadn't seen anything different except for a half empty water cooler.

"This stinks." Darien finally declared.

"You're right - we're lost." Malachite said, stopping and leaning against a water cooler.

"I'm not talking about that - I can't find a phone."

"You know Darien, you're a nice guy and all, but can't you think about the slight predicament we are in now - rather than stalking Serena?"

"Oh I tried, believe me I tried."

Malachite rolled his eyes. Suddenly there was a flood of girlish giggling.

"Oh no... is it 'her'?" Malachite asked, taking a battle stance.

"No." Darien said. "My teeth don't hurt."

The laughing got louder, and around the corner came a stampede of girls dressed in sailor fukus.

"What the..." Malachite muttered.

"Who are you?" Darien asked, readying a rose.

"Sailor Scouts, what do you think?" One dressed in Purple said.

"You don't look like scouts."

Well, we are. Let us introduce ourselves."

"No, really, that's not necessary." ...But it was too late.

"Like the wheels on a wagon, I spin my enemies to death! I am Sailor Cart Wheel Nebula!" The Purple clad scout shrieked, doing a cartwheel then whipping cartwheel pasta at Malachite, who did not look impressed.

"Like giant rocks flying through space, I will bash you to death. For the love of the heavens, I am Sailor Asteroid Belt." A brown clad scout wailed, waving a giant rock in Darien's face. Malachite shook his head in pity.

"Like a 1930's detective, I will solve all problems and get the girl. I am Sailor Cliché!" A scout dressed in Gray said dramatically, pulling her detective hat down over her eyes.

And this went on for a while, so long, Malachite actually found his way back to the room, took the two chairs, brought them back and sat down with Darien to enjoy the show. There was a scout for everything. Sailor Spoon, Sailor Craft Maker, Sailor Jedi (who sported a lightsaber as a weapon), Sailor Dr.Evil, Sailor Fallout, Sailor Ginger Spice, Sailor Quebec, Sailor Drag... even Sailor Malachite. Although Malachite didn't like her much so he blasted the scout into the next dimension (Which happened to be Battleship World... coincidentally she replaced Lyonite... but that's for another story...) Darien took a liking to Sailor Cape Girl, only because she summoned up a cup of coffee for him. Finally, after about two more hours of it, they were finally done.

"So let me get this straight." Malachite said. "You are all the reject scouts the animators didn't want?"

"Well, in those words," Sailor Disco said. "Yes."

Malachite slowly began to back up, motioning for Darien to do likewise.

"Wait!" Cried a masculine voice from the crowd. The scouts began to shuffle about, and then parted to reveal a man in a uniform similar to Malachite's. Only his had white boots, black pants, orange trim on his gray coat, and terribly gaudy epaulettes.

"Like the bane of your existence I will forever hunt you down, wanting to right the wrongs done to me. I am Lyonite!"

Malachite raised an eyebrow cynically.

"Oh come on, Malachite, you have to remember me?" Lyonite said, strutting up to him and turning a circle.

"No. I'm drawing a complete blank."

"I was the one who had to completely reupholster Queen Beryl's throne because I set it on fire in a drunken rampage."

Malachite stood there blinking.

"The one who got our Christmas holiday cut down to half a week because I set up a disco ball in the throne room."

Malachite stood there a moment.

"Why, you little -" He began, then punched Lyonite across the jaw.

"What the hell was that for?" Lyonite asked, taking a swing at Malachite himself.

"For cutting down our holiday."

"Oh. Well, do you remember me yet?"

"No."

"You have to know this. I was the one who mouthed off at Beryl for cheating at Battleship." Lyonite grinned, his silver eyes glinting in the eerily bright half-broken, halogen lights that forever striped down the hallway ceiling.

Malachite took a close look at him. "But...but I thought you were just a legend?"

"No. She just wanted the others to think that."

"Well, where were you condemned?" Malachite asked.

"Battleship World. I'll tell you right now, Hell would have been much more pleasant -"

"Uh oh." Darien mumbled loudly.

"What?" Malachite asked, looking at him out of the corner of his eye.

"My teeth hurt." He replied.

"So?" Lyonite said.

"Can it be 'her'?" Malachite asked, completely ignoring Lyonite's comment and grabbing Darien into a frightened embrace. The wannabe scouts didn't even stay around to see. They were already running madly down the halls, as if their lives depended on it.

"Who's her?" Lyonite asked again.

"The one they call: Chibi-Usa." Darien said quietly, like telling a ghost story to frighten children. For a moment, when Darien said the dreaded word, Lyonite could have sworn he heard dramatic stinging music playing in the background.

"But...but..." Lyonite mumbled. "I thought she...she...died. Nothing that evil should be around...whatever happened to balance?"

Malachite snorted. "You actually believe that garbage. We have no luck. I've been stuck with her father all day."

"Who? That guy?" Lyonite asked, motioning to Darien. Malachite nodded. Lyonite, not wasting another moment punched Darien in the face, knocking him out cold and to the ground.

"Hey, thanks." Malachite said.

The sound of giggling could be heard, and not of the wannabe scouts, something much more sugary.

"Hee hee hee..." Lyonite giggled. "There's something in the air..."

"Uh oh." Malachite groaned. The sound continued to intensify, and suddenly, from all corners of the hall, from all the offices, and even from the cooler poured hundreds of Chibi-Usa clones, and there was no escape.

* * *

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

That was all that could be heard throughout the kingdom.

Drip.

Drip.

Drip.

...the Negaverse was melting (or rather, Jadeite was.) The windex he was covered with wasn't pure windex, only about 60% pure (Timmy was very cheap when concerning the cleaning staff's supplies) The rest was water, and the Negaverse was not a cold place anymore.

"Uh, a little help here!" Jadeite called out meekly to the surrounding youma. He wasn't completely melted yet. Although he did have free movement of his head, upper torso, left arm and half of his right, he still was quite useless.

In response to his cries a youma on cleaning detail sopped up the windex in a sponge, ringed it out, and went back to polishing Timmy's new throne (It's now covered in Pokemon characters.) Jadeite called out again. "Will someone please help me?"

And still the youma cleaned.

* * *

Zoisite strutted down the hall merrily. Well, as merrily as one could when one's significant other was out hunting down the most evil, non-Dark Kingdom spawned cretin for one's liege instead of for sport or for the mere pleasure of the hunt. But still Zoisite strutted - his day wasn't that bad. Not only had he gotten Mal in his hot pants before 9:00pm but the former Queen of this realm had helped him. Zoisite figured all of the hard manual labor forced upon her must have softened her a touch... well, she still was pretty bitter, if not more than usual.

But still Zoisite could not complain about this day for he had no work! It was his day off. He couldn't remember how he got the day off, he could have sworn he was supposed to be working - maybe he was just skipping work? Nah. Well, who cares anyway, although Nephlyte had gone AWOL, Jadeite was half melted so the Kingdom is partially taken care of. Zoisite sped up his walk; he wanted to get to Malachites' room quickly so he could clean it. He may be the ranking general, but his room, didn't show it. Heck, an RV park after a storm looked neater and he didn't think his snookums deserved a mess to live in (despite the fact that Zoisite had played a huge role in its current state).

Zoisite began walking down the hall towards the entrance to Malachite's dwelling but stopped half way. There was someone standing in front of his door looking very lost. He had long gray hair, sported a long black cape, black coat, and large strange armor over his shoulders. He also carried a very long and very scary looking katana. Zoisite smiled, he must be one of Mal's cousins... and he was pretty damn hot. Zoisite waltzed up to the strange form and tapped him on the shoulder. The stranger turned around and glared at Zoisite's small form with deep and mysterious aquamarine eyes. Zoisite melted.

"Umm... er... excuse me," Zoisite began, sounding very nervous. The man still glared.

"Are you related to Lord Malachite?" He finally asked. The man continued his glare, seemingly ignoring Zoisite's question. Then he finally spoke.

"Will you be coming to the reunion?"

Zoisite's eyes widened. Reunion! This was sounding better by the moment.

"Do you have a number?" He continued.

'Number? What was he talking about?'

"Um, no, I don't believe so." Zoisite said.

"Then you cannot come." The figure responded.

"But... but..." Zoisite stammered. He wanted to go. But before he could try and persuade the stranger anymore he shoved passed Zoisite and began walking back down the hall, slowly disappearing into thin air as he did.

"Weird." Zoisite mumbled. He opened Malachite's door and stepped in. The room was shrouded in darkness, not the normal half darkness, complete darkness. Zoisite stumbled in, and then blindly around the room trying to find some sort of light (He was too lazy to summon one himself). He continued feeling around in the dark and finally found something that felt like a lamp, unfortunately (for both he and the lamp) he knocked it from its formerly safe location and it went crashing to the floor. Zoisite swore.

"I really hope that's not the one Beryl gave him for Christmas or she'll have his head on a pike." He mumbled, while still feeling around. "Or broomstick." He added with a snicker. Suddenly Zoisite bumped into something...something very abnormal. It felt almost plantlike in structure. Something very big and plantlike.

Fighting off his laziness, Zoisite finally summoned a dim light above his head that ignited the room with its ambient glow. Before Zoisite rose a very large, and a very intimidating bush like tree. Up higher in its branches sat two elf like children, one had pink hair (*shudder*) and the other held a deck of playing cards. Zoisite began fuming. They looked like the deck he had given Mal for his birthday.

"Hey!" He yelled up at the kids. "Give those back!"

The one holding them looked down at him after a moment.

"Make me," he said.

"Thief! Don't make me come up there!" He yelled back. The one with the pink hair looked very annoyed at that point and whispered something to the other, and then chose a card from the deck. The one who had the deck now began playing a strange looking flute.

"Cardian Snorlax! I summon you!" He yelled. A giant, ugly youma appeared at the base of the tree. Best of all, it was asleep. Zoisite wasn't quite sure about what exactly it was, it was very large, and somehow resembled a cross between a bear and a cat. Whatever it was, it wasn't much on looks.

"Oh nice going!" The boy yelled at the girl. "You always pick the bad ones! Next time I'm choosing!"

"What!" The girl fired back. "You always let me pick! You ask me to so many times! You're just mad because you bought a deck with a lousy Cardian in it!"

And they went on arguing in a similar fashion.

Suddenly the tree spasmed and sent a form flying from it vines. It was Nephlyte.

"AWOL my arse!" Zoisite scolded at the half-dead form at his feet. "You just got lost in Malachite's room... What are you doing in Malachite's room!?" He yelled, picking up Nephlyte and shaking him violently.

"Who? ...Wah?..." Nephlyte mumbled as he struggled to regain his equilibrium. Zoisite began to shake him again.

"I said -" Zoisite began again, but was cut off.

"Ya! I heard you the first time! Beryl asked me to get her some bleach, so I figured Malachite wold have some because of his hair."

Zoisite began shaking him even more violently.

"He does not bleach his hair! It's naturally white!"

"Sure... and I bet you'd like to believe that to, eh?" Nephlyte replied holding up a bottle of Brand-X bleach.

"Have you know, he bleaches his cape. Do you have any idea how dirty it gets?"

Nephlyte attempted a very lazy shrug. Giving up, Zoisite dropped him to the floor and looked around at Malachite's room.

"Something very odd has happened." Zoisite finally declared.

"And it took you how long to figure this out?" Nephlyte replied, dusting off his uniform. He then proceeded to look at his bottle of bleach, then at the giant tree. Not considering the consequences of his actions, he dumped all of the contents of the bottle onto the plant roots.

"What did you do that for?" Zoisite asked.

"You don't want this bush here, right?" Nephlyte asked. Zoisite nodded in response. "Well, that should hopefully kill it. That is, assuming your 'snookums' has the industrial strength stuff." He said, tossing the bottle aside. "Uhh... maybe we should be going, those kids up there don't look too thrilled..."

"Meh." Zoisite shrugged.

"So how are we going to locate Malachite anyway?" Nephlyte asked, slowly inching for the door.

"Well, he has a personal inter-dimensional, battery operated body locator set on vibrate... I think that should do the trick."

Nephlyte rolled his eyes and froze the scene, turning towards the reader.

"In other words, he has a pager."

Nephlyte then proceeded to reanimate the scene, at which point Zoisite was complaining about the whole situation of the Negaverse and was trying to figure out a way to blame the whole thing on Cape Boy because he really wanted to kill him.

* * *

*Slap*

"I don't know, do you think that worked?"

*Slap*

"No, no... harder. Let me try."

*Slap*

"Oh, I see."

*Slap*

"There you go."

"Hey, I wanna try!"

"Wait! One at a time!"

*Slap* *Slap*

"Now look what you've done! He's forming a bruise!"

"So?"

*Slap* *Slap* *Slap*

"Hey what the?"

*Slap*

"Hey! Stop *Slap* that! I'm *Slap* awake!"

*Slap* *Slap*

"I said stop it!" Malachite growled at Sailor Moon, Jupiter and Venus. Malachite had been unconscious for a while, and the Scouts were running low on ideas on how to awaken him.

Lyonite had (almost) too eagerly suggested hitting him till he awoke, and had taken a few starter swings. After that, the other three Generals had appeared and watched the show happily. Lyonite had gotten bored of the abuse rather quickly and now leaned against a wall, struggling to stay awake.

After locating Malachite (via his pager) Zoisite and Nephlyte had sought out Jadeite, and, after much laughter, finished thawing him. And thus, after teleporting to Malachite's location, had been rather entertained.

"So now what?" Malachite asked, standing up, and rubbing his bruised jaw.

"Well, since the Usa clones took Darien, it's only logical that we defy all common sense and love of life and try and rescue him." Sailor Mercury said, stepping forward into the small crowd that swarmed Malachite.

"Sure, we could do that." Lyonite replied from his comfortable position against the wall. The others turned to look at him. "Yes, we could be idiots and risk everything, or we could cut this worthless fic short and vacation in Monte Carlo instead."

"Is that possible?" Jupiter questioned - a glimmer of hope shining in her eye.

"It's not in our scripts guys." Sailor Mercury said, waving a book around.

"Rats." Lyonite grumbled.

"Where?" Zoisite screeched, jumping onto Malachite's back.

"It's a figure of speech, nimrod." Nephlyte said.

"Hey, you trying to start something?" Zoisite taunted back, still clinging to Malachite's shoulders.

"Hey Nephlyte, if there's one thing I've learned, it's never attack someone while there down... and this is the equivalent."

"You trying to start something?" he called back at Sailor Jupiter.

"Bring it on!" she yelled, then jumped Nephlyte. The two began to brawl.

"Bloody hell...not this again..." Luna muttered under her breath "Children!" she finally yelled. Everyone quieted down.

"Now if we're going to get out of here we're going to have to work together, okay?" She continued, looking around at everyone. They all slowly nodded in agreement.

"Now then... Sailor Mercury, have you got a plan?"

Mercury looked around nervously.

"Uhh... I think I know where they're headed... it's the only logical place."

"So where is it?" Jadeite asked.

"Sugar Land." She replied hastily.

"Sugar Land... how fitting..." Malachite grumbled.

"So how are we going to get there?" Sailor Mars asked. "Inter-dimensional transportation? Sailor teleport? A spaceship?"

"Uh..." Sailor Mercury began, rubbing the back of her head. "I don't know about you, but I was just going to take the bus."

* * *

The bus ride wasn't that bad thus far, although the bus had stopped off in front of a sinister place called 'Arbys' twice so far.

"So, when are we getting off anyway?" Jadeite asked, directing his question to whoever was behind a giant, fold out bus map.

"12 stops from here." The voice called back. Jadeite thought it was Sailor Mercury, but couldn't be sure. He sat there and stared across from himself and out a window. He decided it was nice sitting at the back where all the riff-raff hung out. Yet he still stared. Finally he turned to Zoisite.

"Hey Zoisite, you want to buy a duck?"

Zoisite stared at him.

"A what?"

"A duck." Jadeite replied.

Zoisite thought a moment.

"Well, does it quack?"

"Of course it quacks... it's a duck!"

Zoisite nodded, then turned to Nephlyte.

"Hey, Nephlyte, you wanna buy a duck?"

Nephlyte raised an eyebrow.

"A what?" He asked.

Zoisite stared blankly, then turned to Jadeite.

"A what?"

"A duck!"

Zoisite turned back to Nephlyte.

"A duck." Zoiste finally answered. Nephlyte nodded.

"Does it quack?"

Zoisite thought a moment, then turned to Jadeite.

"Does it quack?" He asked. Jadeite rolled his eyes.

"Of course it quacks... it's a duck." Jadeite responded.

"Of course it quacks, it's a duck."

Nephlyte nodded again, and stroked his chin thoughtfully a moment.

"Hey Malachite, you interested in buying a duck?"

Malachite gave him the weirdest expression possible.

"A what?!" He asked.

Nephlyte stared blankly, then turned to Zoisite.

"A what?" He asked. Then Zoisite, having an even blanker expression, turned to Jadeite.

"A what?" Zoisite asked for the second time. Jadeite clenched his jaw.

"A duck!" he growled in response.

Zoisite slowly nodded, then turned back to Nephlyte.

"A duck."

Nephlyte nodded as well, as if to imply he would remember it from then on, Zoisite doubted that very much.

"A duck." he said to Malachite.

"You can purchase all the freaking ducks you want, just charge it to Beryl's Visa and let me sleep!" Malachite grumbled, then rolled back over onto the bus seat.

"No, you're supposed to ask: Does it quack?"

"Do I care?" Malachite asked.

"No! See, now you've gone and spoiled the game!" Jadeite yelled, standing up from where he first sat.

"You trying to start something?" came a muffled call from behind Malachite's cape.

"Yes!" Jadeite hissed back. Malachite grumbled.

"Look... you can fight me later... I'm trying to sleep now."

This would have most likely continued on for much longer, but the bus lurched to a halt, and the Scouts herded all 4 Generals and Ex-General off of the bus. Jadeite looked at his surroundings. There was a long, long, long road that stretched to infinity. A hell of a lot of sand, a large sign written in crayon that boasted the words 'Honolulu' as the bus stop, and a couple of yards to the south, an old, wooden, rickety shack with a weird green dude sitting out in front of it.

"Where the hell are we?" Jadeite asked. (Very bluntly I might add.)

"Snookums," Came the meek call from someone beside Malachite. "This isn't Honolulu, ...is it?"

"I pray to the Gods it's not... that's where I'm going when I get my next vacation... which better be soon..." Malachite grumbled in response. Eventually the two clued in that everyone else had already left for the odd-looking shack, and both Zoisite and Malachite trailed closely behind.

Both Scouts and Generals circled the strange being, shocked by his presence. Lyonite finally broke the silence.

"Hey Yoda! What's up?" He asked, holding his hand for a high five. Yoda just stared back.

"Uhh... Mr. Yoda... sir... can you tell us where we can find the one called: Chibi-Usa?" Malachite asked, stepping forward. He could have sworn Yoda shuddered at the mention of her name.

"Two, there are a master, and an apprentice." He finally answered.

"Ne?" They all said.

"But where can we find her?" Malachite asked again. Yoda slowly moved away from his position in front of the door and motioned for all of them to enter. As they did Zoisite could have sworn he heard Yoda say: May the Force be With You.

The inside of the shack was dimly lit and, side-by-side sat a telephone booth and a coffin. Lyonite (being the idiot that he is) knocked on the lid. It flew off to reveal a pale man with a metal claw on his left arm. He was dressed in black, had a blood red headband crudely wrapped around his head, had long hair, a mysterious pained look in his eyes, and wore a long, dark red cape with buckles to fasten it up in the front. Lyonite backed away nervously.

"Let me sleep." The man in the coffin said.

"Oh, nice going Lyonite." Jadeite scolded. "Now you woke up the vampire."

"Vampire!" Sailor Moon shrieked.

"Oh, shut up." Artemis mumbled.

"Let me sleep... it is punishment for my sin." The man said again. Malachite approached the coffin and leaned in.

"Pardon me, but can you tell us where to find Chibi-Usa?"

The man in the coffin winced.

"If you wish me to help the Shin-Ra in their exploitation of the planet, you may go back to whatever superior you have and tell them I would rather die than sin another sin."

Malachite raised an eyebrow. "I was just asking is all..."

"Let me sleep." The man growled again. Malachite, giving up began to place the lid of the coffin back to its resting-place, but as he did he muttered to the man:

"And I do not work for Shin-ra."

"Uhh... guys... where is Sailor Moon?" Mina asked nervously.

Sailor Mars shrugged. "She said something about ordering pizza. She must have used that booth over there... but she's not there..."

Sailor Mercury's eyes widened.

"This must be the transport to Sugar Land... quick... everyone into the booth."

With much complaining, broken ribs, squashed feet, and pulled hair the four scouts, two cats, four generals and one ex-general somehow managed to ram themselves into the cramped British telephone booth. With much difficulty Sailor Mercury lifted the receiver to her ear, and hit the redial button. And, with that, the contents of the booth disappeared in a puff of sugary pink smoke.

* * *

The contents of the booth landed in a puff of smoke in front of Sailor Moon (Who at that point was laughing very hard. Weather it be because of the scene before her or the sugar in the air will forever remain a mystery.) The pile quickly disassembled it's self with much haste and embarrassment. With dread, the party assessed their situation.

The sky was much too blue, and instead of clouds, floated balls of cotton candy. The road was made of sweet tarts, and the grass licorice. When Jupiter went to the water fountain for a drink, out sprayed Jolt Cola and in the flowerbeds grew pixie sticks. They all shuddered simultaneously.

"Zoisite... please tell me this is hell, because I will be very disturbed if there is something worse out there." Malachite worded slowly as he looked around. Zoisite just gave him a hopeless and helpless expression.

"Well, on the plus side, at least we won't have to go searching around for Chibi-Usa." Sailor Jupiter declared. "Her office is right there." And Jupiter pointed at a large gingerbread house with a giant picture of Chibi-Usa on a billboard overhead winking. Once again, they all shuddered simultaneously. And with that, (and nothing much else to do) they all headed for the sugary door covered in loli-pops.

"Hey...uh... Malachite, why are you coming with us? This is your one and only chance to run." Sailor Venus asked, coming into step with him. Malachite shrugged.

"Number one, I don't have to go back to the Sugar Factory, and two, I just love going directly against Timmy's orders."

* * *

"Sailor Moon, if we ever get out of this, I swear I'm going to kill you." Jadeite declared. The others nodded in agreement.

"What?" She whined back.

"Oh, come on, I think the fact that you ate the door, the window, and part of the wall sort of gave away our position." Sailor Mars snarled back.

"But I was hungry... my pizza didn't come." Sailor Mars rolled her eyes. "But at least, on the plus side, we found Darian." Sailor Moon added, trying to help her case.

"Sure we did, but were caught in the process." Malachite growled back. After one of the Usa clones had found the rather large hole Sailor Moon had made, they had been taken capture, and wrapped up in cotton candy to prevent escape. They had been put in the same room as Darian, but he was two far gone to be of any use to anyone.

"So how are we going to get out of this doosie?" Nephlyte asked as he scratched his face against the sticky cotton that bound his form.

"...This is about the time some long forgotten scout should come along and save us..." Artemis mumbled between bouts of sneezing. He seemed to be allergic to all the sugar.

"Ah damn you, Suit Mask! Where are you when we need you?" Sailor Jupiter yelled rather loudly.

"Uhh... Jupiter, it's Tuxedo Kamen..." Sailor Venus corrected.

Jupiter made a face. "Same basic concept..."

Giving up, Malachite finally yelled up to the heavens: "Sailor Cartwheel Nebula! HEEEEEELLLLLLLPPPPPPP!"

All the scouts, cats, generals, and ex-general looked at him rather oddly.

"Just you wait and see..." He said in response to they're look. ...

Nothing happened. ...

Still nothing happened. ...

And still they waited...

(The author pauses the story, to get up and kick Sailor Cartwheel Nebula in the ribs - waking her up)

Suddenly, the low rumble of giggling began to fill the room. It slowly increased in volume until, into the room poured hundreds of Wannabe Sailor Scouts. They quickly undid the cotton candy that held our heroes, and Sailor Salt did something to counter the sugar poisoning done to Tuxedo Mask.

There were an awful lot of people cramped into the small room, and this presented as slight problem. In other words, there was good news, and there was bad news.

The bad news: Chibi-Usa somehow slipped into the room, causing many diabetic scouts to drop dead.

The good news: Amidst all the chaos she was trampled.

* * *

And so the dragon was slain and the kingdom rejoiced. The ruler was overthrown and it resumed back to the evil empire that it once was that would perpetually battle the scouts. And so, our heroes lived happily ever after...

The End...


...Man... it took you long enough...

You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?

You mean to tell me this atrocity isn't done?

It can't be over! We don't even know who the main character is! And don't get me started on how the problem hasn't even begun to resolve itself! ...Sheesh! What kind of author do you think I am?

*Ahem* Now back to our tale...

* * *

The moment Chibi-Usa was crushed, something strange happened. (Aside from Beryl breaking out into a grin for no apparent reason) the roof of the Gingerbread office disappeared to reveal another large, purple swirling cloud (exactly identical to the one that started this whole mess). The Wannabe scouts looked about nervously. Malachite began to sob.

"Damn you! Not again!" He yelled up at the cloud shaking his fist. Lyonite cackled maniacally. Sailor Moon began to back up, half stricken with fear. She bumped into someone. She turned around to reveal... Another Sailor Moon!

"Konnichiwa." The double said. Sailor Moon raised an eyebrow.

"Ohayou." A Venus double said too.

"What is going on?" Jupiter mumbled, as she sized up her own clone.

"Why is there a female version of me?" Zoisite yelled rather loudly.

"Why is there no double of me?" Lyonite asked innocently.

"Because you suck." The Nephlyte clone (Whose name turned out to be Nephrite) snarled back at him in broken English. The two stared at each other a moment.

"Let's get them!" Lyonite yelled at the top of his lungs. He then began to laugh maniacally again. Suddenly, like a spark igniting a forest of dry, half-dead trees, an enormous fight broke out between, the Wannabe's, the dubs, and the original characters. (And don't laugh, it's not funny... it's pathetic...)

In this fight, the sugary creak of the Gingerbread door opened and another scout entered... except this one held a cup of coffee.

"...Hey! How come nobody told me a party was..." She began, but trailed off as she realized how 'wrong' this scene was.

"Bloody hell..." She mumbled. She threw her cup of coffee in the crowd (Which hit Lyonite in the back of the head... on the plus side, it did stop his laughter...) as she marched into the center of the crowd of fuku clad scouts.

"SSSSTTTTOOOOOOPPPPPP!" She yelled, drawing everyone's attention to her.

"What?" Sailor Moon whined rather annoyingly as she held the double Sailor Moon in a headlock.

"There has been a mistake." The mysterious scout said.

"Who are you?" Zoisite demanded, shoving the other Zoisite to the ground, and pushing his way through the crowd.

"Sailor Pluto." She responded.

"So, uh, what's the problem?" Malachite asked, crossing his arms. He had already pummeled his clone.

"Oh come on? Like you haven't noticed?" She replied sarcastically. "There has been a huge warp in the lane of time and I'm here to fix it."

The mob stared back at her blankly.

Sailor Pluto sighed. "In a moment everything will be back to normal..." And so, with that, she rose her talisman to the sky and the orb atop it flashed.

Suddenly, there was a flash of pure, white, uncontaminated, unsugary light... and then there was nothing. But as Malachite slowly disappeared into nothingness (or so he thought) he could have sworn he heard Sailor Pluto mutter the words: "I shouldn't have gone for that blasted cup of coffee..."

THE END... right?

...Ya... you wish...


Epilogue: Their Placement in Time

The Negaverse: After the disappearance of Timmy, rule was rightfully returned to Beryl.

The Sugar Factory: Was horribly sacked and all 'cute' items were liquidated at dirt-cheap prices... all assets were then transferred to the Negaverse where they all "swam in it".

Queen 'I aint chief of cleaning staff' Beryl: Reclaimed the Negaverse as her own. Vowed never to bet Kingdom in game or to be excessively nasty ever again. Four hours later Jadeite beat her at Monopoly (So you can guess where he is now...)

Beryl's Powers: All cleaning abilities bestowed upon Lyonite.

Timmy: Disappeared after the reported death of Chibi-Usa.

Chibi-Usa: Reported deceased, although large traces of sugary sweetness have appeared near Britney Spears concerts. Suggests a higher evil at work.

Tuxedo Mask/Tuxedo Kamen: Tuxedo Mask and Tuxedo Kaman combined powers and are now both stalking Serena. Serena found it very annoying and moved to Iceland.

Suit Mask: Sailor Jupiter insisted in his existence and sold his right to a really stupid American production company for a large sum of money (*cough, cough* DiC *cough, cough*) A feature length television show is in the works.

The Wannabe scouts: All disappeared off the face of the planet. Reportedly, they are now appearing in fan-fiction across the globe in a vain attempt to rule the world.

The Scouts: Retired to Iceland where nobody can bother them again.

Sailor Pluto: Decided to purchase a coffee maker after this little 'incident'. Now denies the whole episode ever existed.

Jadeite: Condemned to Monopoly land. Beat game and returned to Negaverse where Beryl promptly encased him ice. He now resides next to her throne where Lyonite can laugh at him all he likes.

Lyonite: Begged not to be condemned back to Battleship world. Beryl, while in her short-lived 'good mood' granted Lyonite the title 'Chief of Cleaning Staff'.

Nephlyte: Took a long deserved vacation with Molly. Dumped her when her found out she wasn't actually from Brooklyn.

Zoisite: Vowed to never partake in another action that remotely resembles work. Went on vacation with Malachite.

Malachite: Went on vacation with Zoisite to Honolulu. Picked fight with Volcano God. Is now running for his life.

...And as for the rest, their spokespersons made the following statements...

Shin-ra: Deny any association with Vincent (A.k.a Vampire) and claimed that if anyone is a victim out of this, it's them.

CURE: Left with these words: "What the @#%& were you smoking?"

CUTE: Still worship Chibi-Usa, but deny any association with Britney Spears.

CHIP: Laugh maniacally at the story, the author and the whole idea that anyone thought they actually cared.

CHUBB: -.- zzzzzzzz...

The Author: After a very ill advised release of the story onto the net, her current whereabouts remain unknown...

THE END


Really?

Yes already! Sheesh....


Author's Comments:

Well, this is quite possibly the most messed up thing I have ever written in my entire life, and I hope, for not only my sake, but for the worlds as well, that nothing this vile will every be produced by me (or anyone else for that matter) again.

Just so you know, CURE/CUTE/CHIP didn't actually make those comments... I'm not pointing this out because you're daft, but to avoid the whole law suite thing. Once again, I referred to (an amazingly hilarious fic) Tacky Yellow No-Names, and this wasn't a collaboration with them, so don't flame them - flame me.

I would also like to say a big "Sorry" to the following copyrighted things I used: Naoko Takeuchi (Sailormoon), Squaresoft (FF7), CURE, CHIP, CUTE, George Lucas (Star Wars), Pokemon, Sanrio, Saban (Power Rangers), and of course *shudder* Britney Spears.

Anyway, I welcome all comments... er... flames... you see I'm always interested to see what people don't like about stuff. Send everything (minus chains ^_^) to: dalles_@hotmail.com.

Well, I now (hopefully) leave you in peace. And, do not fear, there will not be another Wannabe... I have vowed that right now (unless of course someone pays me a large amount of money ^_^?) ...But of course... there's always room for spin offs....

NOTE: And just for the record, to save a lot of reader inquiries, I was not smoking something at the time I was composing this (...sorta wish I was though, it would explain whole lot...)


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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.


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