Attack of the Killer Cliches

Part One: In Which Our Heroes Make Their Entrance

© 1998 by Heather and Paula Fleming


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The city of Tokyo was dark. Lightning strikes had knocked out most of the power in the city. It was a dark and stormy night. A night of evil. A night of extremely worn-out cliches.

Suddenly (yet somehow predictably), an evil-looking object fell out of the sky. By some miracle of plot manipulation, it missed hitting all the residential and business areas of the city, instead landing in a conveniently located construction pit. *SPLAT*

After the mud settled, two bedraggled figures crawled out of the wreckage. "Damn plot contrivances," said the taller one. "Can't we ever show up on a nice sunny day? It'll take me forever to fix my hair. And the dry-cleaning bills are gonna be horrendous..."

"Let's go take over a nice warm house," said the shorter one in a genderless voice, then sneezed. "We're here, we might as well get comfortable."

* * *

The next day was Saturday, and five girls and two cats inevitably showed up at the impact site. "That's one big meteor," said Usagi.

"You're such an airhead," said Rei. "This is obviously some kind of spaceship."

"What's so obvious?" Usagi whined. "It looks like a meteor to me."

Rei began counting off on her fingers. "One, meteors don't give off evil energy. Two, it was a dark and stormy night last night. That means bad things are going to happen. Three, we wouldn't be standing around here unless the landing of this meteor had kicked off some new plot."

"Four," said Luna, "meteors don't have doors."

A large sweat drop appeared on Usagi's forehead. "Oh," she said. Suddenly she looked stricken. "A new plot. Oh no. Not again... MAAAAMMMOOO-CHAAAAAANNN!!!"

"Well," said Rei once Usagi had raced off in pursuit of her boyfriend (as he, for the moment, still was) and the dust of her departure had settled. "That oughta keep her busy for a while. Let's take the opportunity to get some actual work done."

* * *

Meanwhile (well, all right, a while later), in a pitch-black room, two pairs of eyes gleamed in that total flouting of the laws of physics that only animated characters can manage. "So," said the genderless owner of the green pair, "by what improbable plot device *ah-CHOO* have we been brought back to life this time?"

"I dunno," said the definitely male owner of the icy blue-grey pair. "Lemme check the notes." After a moment's fumbling a lamp came on, and the pale-haired man turned over in bed. He took a notebook marked Antecedent Information, v. 1.0 from the bedside table and flipped through it. "Ah, here it is. We never really died. I sent you in a flurry of flower petals into cryogenic healing in space, then joined you there when I was fatally injured, and we've been convalescing ever since."

"Huh," said the golden-haired, genderless one. "Cliche, but it'll do. Now please tell me I haven't been turned female again."

The pale-haired man flipped a page. "Uh... Nope, we're safe. I'm Kunzite and you're Zoisite, so it appears that the author at least has the decency to use our real identities."

Zoisite breathed a sigh of relief as his gender arranged itself into its proper configuration. Then he sneezed again. "Damn rainstorm." His voice now sounded definitely male.

Kunzite stroked his partner's hair in sympathy. "You'll feel better in the morning. Let's sleep for another twelve hours or so." He settled back down and closed his eyes. "Good night, Zoi."

"Our first -- well, second -- night back in existence and you want to sleep?"

Kunzite's eyes opened. "Hey, does this look like a hentai fic?"

Zoisite snuggled up to him. "Don't be such a prude, Kunzie. Turn out the light, and no one will be able to see anything. Except our eyes. Besides, Cape Boy *snarl* has a scene coming up in about twenty seconds. The narrator will move on before anything, uh, hentai-esque begins."

"Oh," Kunzite said. "In that case..."

The light went out, smooching noises ensued, and--

* * *

"Tuxedo Kaaaaamenn," whispered the dream voice.

"What is it this time, princess?"

"There is a new stoooorryliiine," warned the voice. "You know what thaaat meeeeaans."

"Oh, great. Another eternity listening to Usagi whine because of me?"

"Yoooouuu gooooot it," the voice sighed.

He groaned. "Not again... Why me?"

"It is your dessssttiiiineeeeeee..."

"Dammit."

"You know what to dooo. Now goooooooo..."

* * *

Suddenly, a huge and ugly monster leapt out of the ocean and made a hideous roaring sound.

"I AM GODZILLA. COWER BEFORE ME, PUNY MORTALS!!"

"Dammit," muttered the author. "Wrong story."

Pause.

"Wait a minute..."

Pause.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!"

* * *

The next day, the five girls and two cats sat outside a cafe, filling in time until the plot kicked in. Usagi was in the middle of downing about a dozen triple fudge sundaes.

"You're going to make yourself sick," said Ami.

"Never mind her," said Rei. "She's going to make me sick!"

Just then a green-jacketed figure approached. "Here comes trouble," said Makoto, noting the familiar look of sorrowful determination on Mamoru's face.

"Hey, Mamo-chan," Usagi said, having forgotten about her panicked search the day before. "How about a kiss?"

He shook his head. "Sorry, Usagi. A new plot has started. I'm afraid we can't see each other anymore." He turned and walked away.

Usagi stared. Then her eyes began to quiver. Then she whimpered. Then she took a deep breath. Then--

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

"Oh, dear," said Luna, sweatdropping, but no one heard because they all had their fingers in their ears.

As Usagi stopped for breath, Rei suddenly looked around. "I sense great evil," she said. "It's... its... it's... uh oh."

Suddenly a small pink spore attached itself to Mamoru's leg. "If you dumped her, that means I get you now!" said Chibi-Usa. "I'm gonna marry Mamo-chan, I'm gonna marry Mamo-chan, I'm gonna--"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

A large sweatdrop obscured Mamoru's face, and he limped away, trying unsuccessfully to dislodge the evil parasite from his leg. "I'm gonna get you for this, Princess," he muttered. "Look, Chibi, we've been through this before. You're my daughter..."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

* * *

Let us rejoin our heroes.

"So," said Zoisite, "what are we here for, anyway?"

Kunzite checked Antecedent Information, v. 1.0. Then checked it again. "Uh, the writer doesn't seem to know yet. So I guess we just lurk around and do our hair."

"Can we smooch, too?"

"Sounds good to me," he said.

So they smooched for a while.

Suddenly, a huge and ugly monster leapt out of the local water source and made a hideous roaring sound

"I AM GODZILLA. COWER BEFORE ME, PUNY MORTALS!!"

"Not yet," said the author.

"SORRY,"

said Godzilla, and disappeared.

"What was that?" asked Zoisite.

"What was what?" asked Kunzite, coming up for air. "I didn't notice anything. I was kinda distracted."

"Oh. Nevermind, then. Let's distract each other some more."

So they did.

* * *

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!"

Ami handed out some little earplugs. "These will filter out most of the high frequencies," she said. "I hope."

The others put them in. Instantly the noise became, if not quieter, at least less annoying. "Thanks, Ami," said Luna.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!" A new burst of wailing shattered the earplugs.

The author took pity on them and stuffed Usagi's mouth with doughnuts.

Blessed calm descended on the area.

Then a cute blond boy walked by. Makoto's eyes turned into pulsing pink hearts. "Ohmigod! He looks just like my--"

The 'cute blond boy' turned around.

A sweatdrop appeared on Makoto's forehead. "Oh," she said. "Sorry, Haruka."

"Next time you do that, I'm gonna slug you."

Usagi finished the doughnuts. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!"

*Sigh.* "I tried," said the author.

The End of Part 1 - Goto Part 2


Disclaimer: Sailormoon and all related characters are property of Takeuchi Naoko, Toei Animation, and Kodansha. I don't know who owns Godzilla, but it sure as heck isn't me.

This story is property of Heather and Paula Fleming.


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