Attack of the Killer Cliches

Part Two: In Which the Plot is Finally Delivered
(Free Because it Took More Than 30 Minutes)

© 1998 by Heather and Paula Fleming


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"Mamo -- I mean -- Tuxeeeeeeedooo Kaaammmeeennn," said an oddly sugary dream-voice.

"Yeah, yeah, what is it this time -- Hey! You're not the Princess! At least not the one I usually meet here."

"Uh, yeeessssss Iiiiiiiii aaaaaaaammm."

"Listen, you putrescent pink puffhead (the author suggests you pause to admire her brilliant word choice), I will not let you pester me in my dreams, too! GET OUT!!"

"Buuuuuut iiiiiitt iiiiisss yoooouuuurr deeeeessttiiiinnnyy tooooo mmmaaarrrrryyyy meeeee... uh... I mean... Chiiiibbbii-Uuuuusssaaa."

"Go away!"

* * *

*ah...ah-CHOO!!*

"Guzundhite... uh, gesuntheit... dammit, how do you spell that?"

"You and your lousy steering. If my nose turns all red and clashes with the furniture..."

"Hey!" Kunzite cried defensively. "It's not my fault that someone had to see a bee in the ship and get in front of me so I couldn't see, now, was it?!"

*Author's note: yes, there are bees in space.*

"But it might've stung me! And then my face would've puffed up, and I would've stopped breathing, and then--"

Ding-dong.

Kunzite got up to get the door.

Suddenly, a huge and ugly monster leapt out of the local water supply and let out a hideous roaring sound.

"I AM GODZILLA. COWER AT MY FEET--"

"Not yet, dammit," the author snapped.

"SORRY."

Godzilla disappeared.

Pause.

The doorbell rang again.

"Uh, coming." Kunzite went to the door again, this time prepared for huge and ugly monsters that leap out of water supplies.

"Hi. I'm Bob, the Amazing Sub-Plot Guy. Package for you." The strange man in tacky plaid clothing indicated a place on a sheet. "Sign here, please."

"OK."

The door closed. Kunzite walked over to the couch and opened the letter. Delivered with pride by Bob's Sub-Plots, Ltd., said the envelope.

They read the letter together.

And, in unison, "MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!"

* * *

"So, Haruka," Makoto said, still vaguely embarrassed about mistaking Haruka for a boy earlier, "what are you doing here?"

"Beats me," Haruka replied. "The author probably has some idea what to do with me, and didn't just stick me here for humour value--"

"I said I was sorry!"

"--but I don't know what it is yet."

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!" said Usagi.

"SHUT UP!!" four girls and two cats cried.

"HEY!" Minako shrieked. "Only four girls?! I haven't said a single stinking thing this whole story! How come I'm always the quiet one? I always get gypped in these stupid fanfics!" A huge thundercloud appeared over her head, and she stormed off, leaving a large set of sweatdrops in her wake.

* * *

On a dark corner in a dark alley, a nondescript figure approached another nondescript figure, while two pairs of amused-looking glowing eyes watched unnoticed in the background.

"Psst," the one in the nondescript brown trenchcoat said. "You got the stuff?"

"Yeah," the one in the really tacky green jacket whispered. "Keep your voice down."

"Sorry."

"You got the money?"

"Yeah."

Suddenly, a huge and ugly monster leapt out of the local water source and let out a hideous roaring sound.

"I AM GODZI--"

"Go away!" yelled the author. "Not yet!!"

"SORRY."

Godzilla disappeared.

The two suspicious characters, trying to act natural, pretended that they hadn't just witnessed that. Money and pouches of illegal substances changed hands, and they went their separate ways.

"Wow," said Zoisite, "Bob was right. I always wondered how Dork-Boy got all the money to afford his apartment, cars, motorcycle, tacky wardrobe, roses, etcetera with those crappy jobs he has."

Pause.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Pause.

"Ah-CHOO!"

"Gesundheit."

* * *

"So if I'm in the story," said Haruka as the six of them (Haruka, Makoto, Rei, Ami, and the cats) walked down the street, "where's Michiru? And for that matter, where are Usagi and Minako?"

"Both sulking," said Artemis. "I don't know what Minako's complaining about. After all, I didn't get a line until just now."

"At least Usagi stopped screaming," said Rei. "Or at least she's out of earshot."

"As for Michiru," said Ami, "I think she's doing what she's supposed to and being cool and distant. Why are you hanging around with us anyway? You're supposed to be Outer Senshi."

Haruka shrugged. "I got bored with sitting around and looking for something unique to do. Besides, the more screen time I get, the more I can deceive cute girls into thinking I'm a guy. I want to join the Inners."

"But there's only allowed to be four," said Makoto. "Five if you count candy-floss head."

"Which I don't," said Haruka with a shudder. "Eeeeeeevilllll."

"Speaking of evil," said Rei, "I sense something..."

They all looked around, fearful of encountering the little pink fungus. Luckily, it was only the heroes of our story. They were in normal (earth) clothes, so they weren't recognized, of course, despite the fact that there's only one man in any dimension who has that awesome silvery hair and who'd wear a cape with jeans and a t-shirt (and still look majorly kawaii!!). But then, no one notices that there is only one klutzy schoolgirl with odangos in her hair who happens to hang around with four girls who look exactly like the Sailor Senshi, either.

"I don't see her -- do you?" whispered Makoto.

Rei shook her head. "I must have been wrong."

Haruka looked after the retreating form of Zoisite. "Hey, who's that cute girl?"

* * *

"They're looking at us!" hissed Zoisite.

Kunzite sneaked a look back. "Don't worry," he said. "They don't know who we are." He frowned. "How do we know who they are, then?"

"Uh..."

Kunzite pulled out Antecedent Information, v. 1.0. "Oh, yeah. We're the heroes. The author adores us, so we're allowed to put two and two together and realize that there aren't too many groups of girls who hang around with cats that have crescent moons on their foreheads."

Zoisite checked back on the group. "They aren't looking at us anyway. Just the guy who's with them." He took a second look, then sneezed. "You know, he's kinda kawaii..."

"Hey!" said Kunzite, a sweatdrop appearing on his forehead.

"If you're allowed to look, I'm allowed to look."

"Never mind," said Kunzite, deciding to end the scene before Zoisite had a chance to stare at any more cute guys. "Let's go before they recognize us."

"But they won't recognize... Stop that. I'm not looking anymore."

"Then why is your head craned around at an anatomically impossible angle?"

"Oh... fine."

* * *

Night descended on Tokyo. Once again, a green-coated figure lurked in the alleyway, waiting to make his transaction. Once again, two pairs of eyes gleamed in the darkness. Once again, an illegal deal was made, and the man in the hideous green coat turned to go.

Someone sneezed.

The man looked around in alarm. "Who's that?" he said, pulling a rose out of his jacket in self-defense.

"You think those pathetic flowers are going to help you?" Kunzite said, moving into the light where his hair was shown off to advantage. "Mwahahahahahaha!"

The man's eyes widened. "You... But you're..."

"Dead? Well...no."

Now Zoisite came out of the shadows. "Remember me, Cape Boy?" he asked, an ice crystal glittering in his hand. "Mwahahahahaha! It's payback time..."

The End of Part 2 - Goto Part 3


Disclaimer: Sailormoon and all related characters are property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha, and Toei Animation. I don't know who owns Godzilla, but it sure as heck isn't me.

This story is property of Heather and Paula Fleming.


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