Attack of the Killer Cliches

Part Three: In Which an Article of Clothing is Finally Put to Proper Use

© 1998 by Heather and Paula Fleming


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Our heroes arrived at their house, carrying a struggling Mamoru between them. "Why didn't you just let me kill him?" Zoisite demanded as they dumped him onto the living room floor. "You made me waste a perfectly good ice crystal."

"You won't get away with this," Mamoru growled. "I have friends, you know. You have no right to abduct young men in the prime of their life. You'll pay for this, I promise it."

"Oh, shut up," Kunzite said absently. "Sorry about the crystal, Zoi. I'll make it up to you. But we have to make him suffer for what he's done to both of us. I just haven't thought of what to do with him yet."

"He'd make a lovely throw rug," said Zoisite.

"What are you talking about?" demanded Kunzite. "He wouldn't make a lovely anything."

"True," said Zoisite. "How about a lawn gnome?"

"Hmm... He's a little too tall. And he'd scare away the company."

"When do we ever have company?"

The doorbell rang.

"See?!" exulted Mamoru. "It's my rescuers, here already. Prepare to be vanquished!"

"Oh, shut up," said Kunzite and went to the door, preparing some energy boomerangs just in case of danger. Behind him, Zoisite readied his cherry blossom petals.

A bored-looking little girl in a blue uniform stood on the step. "You wanna buy some Girl Guide cookies?" she asked.

Kunzite and Zoisite looked at each other, unsure of what to make of this. Sweatdrops appeared on their foreheads. "Uh," Kunzite said.

"Only three dollars a box," the girl said.

After another moment of sweatdrop-filled silence, the girl shrugged. "Guess not." She shut the door.

"How dare you deprive little children of the resources to enrich their extra-curricular activities," said Mamoru. "Children must be--"

Kunzite encased him in a soundproof dome of dark energy. "That oughta take care of him for a while, at least," he said.

"He'd make a good scarecrow," said Zoisite. "Except we don't need a scarecrow. How about an archery target? Or a punching bag? Or a dart board? Or a test subject for the spin cycle of a washing machine?"

Kunzite smiled at his lover. "Well, he's not going anywhere right now. Let's talk about it tomorrow."

Zoisite nodded and jumped into Kunzite's arms. "Meanwhile, the night is young..."

* * *

The four Inners and the two cats lounged in Rei's room in the temple. "You know," said Ami, "things have been awfully quiet. We haven't encountered any evil creatures or suspicious strangers, and it's been almost a week since the spacecraft landed. Do you think we've been mistaken?"

"Yeah," said Rei. "The only times I've felt evil have been when the little pink parasite has shown up."

"I heard that," said an annoying cute little voice. Chibi-Usa and Usagi came into the room and sat down in their usual spots.

"So, our leader has come back to us," said Makoto. "You recovered yet?"

Usagi shrugged. "I figure the only way to get him back *sniffle* is to finish the plot," she said hoarsely, "and I can't do that by wailing for the rest of the story. Besides, I've almost lost my voice."

"Wouldn't that be a pity," muttered Rei.

"The thing is," said Ami, "we can't seem to figure out what the plot is."

Just then Usagi looked around the room again. "Hey... Where's Minako? And what are you doing here?"

"Oh, I'm an Inner now," Haruka said. "I got bored. Minako was mad because she never got to do anything. We figured if she wanted to get attention whenever she showed up, she should become an Outer."

"But..."

"Well, I'm supposed to be protecting the solar system, right?"

"Right..."

"And whenever danger comes, it always seems to centre around you, right?"

"Right..."

"So the best way for me to protect the solar system is to hang out with you. Right?"

"Uh, right," Usagi said. "And I guess your attacks are much cooler than hers anyway."

"Then it's settled," said Luna. "Wonderful."

"Hey, what about what I think?" demanded Chibi-Usa. "I like Minako better."

"No one asked you," said the other seven.

Chibi-Usa's eyes started quivering. "Nobody loves me!" she wailed and ran crying from the room.

"Whew," said Rei. "She's gone. I thought I might have to reconsecrate the whole temple."

"Yeah," said Artemis, "but now she's going to start messing with gravity, or buddying up with the enemy, or something."

"At least then we'd be able to find the enemy," said Makoto.

"Speaking of finding," said Usagi, "has anyone seen Mamo-chan?"

"Don't worry," said Makoto. "You'll be back together in no time."

"That's not what I meant," Usagi said. "Usually when he dumps me he still shows up everywhere I go. But I haven't seen him at all for a few days now."

"Hmm," said Ami. "That is odd."

"Ah, he's probably just been kidnapped or brainwashed or killed or something," said Haruka. "He'll show up eventually. He always does." And I'm rather sick of it by now, she thought privately.

* * *

"I've got it!" shouted Zoisite as he reached for another tissue to wipe his runny nose.

"Got what?" asked Kunzite.

"What do you think?" said Zoisite, waving in the general direction of the dome of dark energy.

"Oh yeah," said Kunzite. "I'd almost forgotten about him."

Zoisite shared his plan. Kunzite smiled. "I like it," he said. He made a motion, and the dome vanished. Mamoru sprawled stiffly in the middle of it, his face blue. "Oops," said Kunzite. "I forgot about air circulation. Luckily he's ridiculously easy to revive." Swirly energy whirled around Mamoru's inert form, and after a moment, the man sat up, holding his head.

The doorbell rang.

"Not again!" Kunzite said. "Don't do anything until I'm back." Fuming, he went to the door.

The little girl stood on the step. This time she wore a hockey jersey. "You wanna buy some chocolate-covered almonds?"she asked.

"Weren't you selling those yesterday?"

"Yeah," she said. "But those were for the school band. And the day before they were for gymnastics."

Kunzite dug into his pocket. "If Zoi didn't have such a sweet tooth.." he muttered, and handed the girl a wad of bills. "I'll take all you have, if you promise never to come back again."

The girl grinned and gave him an armful of boxes. "Thanks, Mr. Kunzite," she said. "You'll never see me again, I promise." She turned to go.

Suddenly, a huge and ugly monster leapt out of the local water source and let out a hideous roaring sound.

"Dammit," said the author.

Godzilla vanished.

"What was that?" the girl asked.

"I dunno," said Kunzite. "It just pops in and out. Doesn't seem to do anything."

The girl shrugged. "I'll take your word for it," she said. "Anyway, good-bye."

"Good riddance," Kunzite said, shutting the door and dumping the boxes of sweets in the entranceway. He returned to the living room. "Hey, you started without me."

Zoisite was waving a pendulum in front of Mamoru's face, and Mamoru was staring at it sleepily. "I was just getting him ready," he said. "He's ridiculously open to suggestion, you know."

"I know," Kunzite said. "He was in a car accident as a kid, and his brains have been scrambled ever since." He waved his hand in front of Mamoru's face, and there was no response. "There. I think I'll take over from here if it's all right."

"Go ahead," Zoisite said, and sneezed. "You're the one with the power. I'm just your apprentice."

"You're a little more than that, sweetie," Kunzite said, making a rose out of the air and handing it to his lover.

"Oh, Kunzite," Zoisite said. "You're so good to me."

Kunzite finished the spell. Mamoru got up, took off his jacket, and went into the kitchen. After a few minutes, he emerged with a large bucket of soapy water. "Where does my lord wish me to begin?" he asked, his blue eyes glazed.

"Oh, here's fine," said Kunzite. "Just make sure you get every spot."

Mamoru got down on his knees and reached into the bucket. "As my lord commands," he said, and took his jacket from the bucket.

"Finally," Zoisite said as Mamoru began cleaning the floor. "It's about time that hideous affront to fashion got what was coming to it. Let's celebrate."

So they went out to a party, leaving their new domestic to his housework.

The End of Part 3 - Goto Part 4


Disclaimer: Sailormoon and all related characters are property of Tacheuko Naoko, Kodansha, and Toei Animation. Godzilla belongs to someone too, but damned if I know who it is.

This story is property of Heather and Paula Fleming.


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