Pretty Soldier Sailor Feud

A twisted, funny-as-hell fanfic parody

by Princess Hentai (Raspberry-chan) and Naru-chan (Eudy-chan)

Back to Dark Kingdom Home | Stayka's Dark Kingdom Stories | Other Dark Kingdom Stories


The original Sailor Moon characters used in this fic belong to Naoko Takeuchi and are used without permission of their owner, however, we are not writing this for personal profit except the fun we get out of doing crazy things like this. The events in PSSF are completely original and also belong to both of us...they may not be borrowed for use in other works unless both of us agree to allow it. Stayka and Nikki are characters based upon real people, and we only use them here through their permission. (Thanks, guys!) Raspberry Warrior and Eudialyte are also based on real people...the psycho authors...and may not be used elsewhere.

Note: We are not responsible for any clothing ruined if you pee on yourself while reading this. ^_~

Enough boring stuff that no one looks at, on with the story!

Pretty Soldier Sailor Feud

A twisted, funny-as-hell fanfic parody

by Princess Hentai (Raspberry-chan) and Naru-chan (Eudy-chan)

[Scene opens on the set of 'Family Feud'. Two teams file out to take their places...the first team is made up of the five inner Senshi, and the second team is Beryl and the four Kings of the Dark Kingdom. The host steps out from backstage and stands between the two podiums.]

Raspberry Warrior: It's time for --

Crowd: Family Feud!!!!

RW: -- Sailor Moon style! On my right, we have the Senshi team!

[Crowd cheers as the Senshi high-five each other and shout.]

RW: And on my left, the Dark Kingdom team!

[Crowd boos but is drowned out by a voice from backstage...]

Voice: Gooooooo Neffy!!! *inane giggle*

RW: Thank you, Eudialyte. Today, these teams are meeting to, *meet*...each other to win this lovely prize!

[Curtain flies up to reveal Chibi-Usa all tied up and dangling from a chain anchored to the ceiling. Crowd boos.]

Sailor Moon: Give her back!

Zoisite: She'll make wonderful piranha food. (grins)

Moon: You can't say that!

[She pulls out the Kaleid Moon Scope and points it at the rival team. Zoisite whips up an ice crystal, and Kunzite conjures up a pair of purple boomerangs.]

RW: Whoa, whoa, whoa, save that until after the game! And now, time to fight for the prize...Family Feud style! Sailor Moon, Queen Beryl, you're up for the toss-up question!

[Moon and Beryl approach the central podium, glaring at each other over it. They position their hands above the buzzers.]

RW: Eudialyte, what's the first category?

Eudy: (from backstage) You've got to read it off the card, baka!

RW: (sweatdrop) Oh, yeah. The first category is: Name an attack from any season of Sailor Moon that is really wussy! Go!

[Sailor Moon slams her hand down on the buzzer right before Beryl does. She sticks out her tongue at the Queen.]

RW: Sailor Moon, your answer?

Moon: Chibi-Usa's Pink Sugar Heart Attack!

[Buzzer goes off, and the top line of the board flips over to reveal: Pink Sugar Heart Attack...67 !!]

Chibi-Usa: (screeches) Sixty-seven out of a hundred people??

Moon: Truth hurts, ne?

[Sailor Moon and Queen Beryl go back to their tables.]

RW: Sailor Moon, play or pass?

Moon: Play!

RW: Okay, then Sailor Mercury plays next.

Mercury: Tuxedo Kamen's roses?

RW: Eudy, do we have Tuxedo Kamen's roses?

Eudy: (gives thumbs up from behind the board) You bet your ass!

[She throws switch, and the fourth out of the five answers pops up...Tuxedo Kamen's Roses -- 5!]

RW: Doesn't look good for the Dark Kingdom team. Sailor Mars?

Mars: Um...Venus's Love and Beauty Shock?

Venus: Hey! Jerk!

RW: Do we have a Love and Beauty Shock?

Eudy: (makes nasty buzzing noise) Nope! One strike for the Senshi! (presses red button, makes 'eeeeeeeeeehhhhh!' noise)

Zoisite: Heh, you suck, Mars! The question is, *who* do you suck? (annoying laughter)

Mars: I'm gonna anti-evil you to the next solar system!

RW: Stop! Fight after you're done playing! Now, moving on to Sailor Jupiter...what do you say?

Jupiter: (thinking) Hmm. I say...Nephrite's star attacks! He never was able to hit anything.

Nephrite: Hey! Subete shihai ni yotte ano hoshi! So what if they can't aim?

Jadeite: What the hell does that mean...subete-shihai-whatever?

Nephrite: Everything is ruled by the stars, baka!

RW: Eudy, do we have --

Eudy: Hell no! Nephrite's buff! (makes buzzing noise)

RW: The Senshi only have one more chance! Venus, it's up to you to save the team from a steal!

Venus: about...Sailor Moon's speeches?

Eudy: (buzzes) Nope!

RW: Now is the Dark Kingdom's chance to steal! It's all up to you, Jadeite!

Jadeite: Easy. Sailor Mercury's Shabon Spray.

Mercury: It is *not*! It's a good defensive --

Jadeite: See? Wussy.

RW: I think we may have it! Eudy?

Eudy: (makes happy dinging noise) You got it!

[Second line on the board lights up...Sailor Mercury's Shabon Spray -- 18.]

RW: The Dark Kingdom makes the steal! And the score is now...

The board lights up its full display:

Dark Kingdom: 85
Senshi Team: 0

And gives all five answers and their frequency:

 * Chibi-Usa's Pink Sugar Heart Attack........................67 *
 * Sailor Mercury's Shabon Spray..............................18 *
 * Zoisite's Cherry Blossom Petals.............................7 *
 * Tuxedo Kamen's Roses........................................5 *
 * Tuxedo Kamen's Speeches.....................................3 *

Nephrite: Hey, that's was my answer, Zoisite's stupid flowers!

Zoisite: (shoves ice crystal in his face) Problem, Nephrite?

Nephrite: (sweatdrop) No.

RW: Hey, let's not fight amongst ourselves! We'll be right back after a few words from our sponsor!

[Crowd goes wild as Family Feud song plays.]



[A twiggy six-foot chemistry teacher stands in front of her class, attempting to teach, but a huge chalk stain is wiped all across her butt. The students are snickering and pointing.]

Announcer Dude: Got this problem? Then you need Chalk-X! Chalk-X is a revolutionary new kind of chalk specially designed not to stain clothing. Chalk-X contains a special blend of polymers and urea that stays on the board and off your clothes! Chalk-X...

[Huge box of Chalk-X drops onto the chemistry teacher.]

Announcer Dude: ...for those stains in the ass!



[Family Feud song blares again...crowd cheers.]

RW: Sailor Mercury, Jadeite, please step down to the podium and get ready for the toss-up!

[Jadeite and Mercury stare at each other over podium.]

RW: For our second round, the category is: Name Annoying Stereotypes Used in Sailor Moon Fanfiction. Go!

[Jadeite slams his hand down on the buzzer an instant before Mercury hits hers.]

RW: Yes, Jadeite?

Jadeite: That I get released from 'eternal sleep'.

RW: Eudy, survey says...?

Eudy: You betcha!

[Punches button, and the bottom of the six answers lights up to reveal: Jadeite's Release From Eternal Sleep -- 3!]

Jadeite: *Only* three? (grumbles)

RW: Hey, not my fault, I didn't make up the answers. It was a survey! Now, back to your podiums!

[Mercury and Jadeite head back.]

RW: Jadeite, play or pass?

Jadeite: (looks around, sees his teammates frantically shaking their heads) Uh, we'll pass.

[Entire Dark Kingdom team breathes sigh of relief.]

RW: Okay, then it passes to you, Sailor Mars. Your answer?

Mars: That Minako is an airhead.

RW: Do we have 'Minako as airhead' up there?

Eudy: Yes, we do! (dings happily)

[Third space up from the bottom lights up: Minako as Airhead -- 4!]

RW: On to you, Sailor Jupiter.

Jupiter: People writing me as big and dumb! (scowls)

RW: That's a good possibility! Eudy, is that an answer?

[The host patiently waits, but there is no answer.]

RW: Eudy, where the hell are you?

[Everyone looks around for the producer. Nephrite steps out from behind his podium...Eudialyte is hanging from his waist with one arm, and with the other is attempting to undo his belt.]

Nephrite: (sweatdrop) Is this who you're looking for?

RW: Eudy, I told you not to fondle the contestants! Save that for after the show...this is a live television broadcast!

Eudy: (pouting, lets go) Fine, be like that. (Scribbles something on a sheet of paper, hands it to Nephrite) Call me anytime, baby.

Nephrite: (takes paper, looks at it for a few moments, then eats it) Needs salt. (returns to his place on the Dark Kingdom side)

Eudy: (walks backstage) Heh, he wants to eat me so bad he ate the paper. (giggles)

RW: Eudy, what about the answer?

Eudy: Oh, yeah. Ding, ding, ding!

[Third answer reads: Makoto as Tough, Dumb Girl -- 11.]

RW: Looks like the Senshi are romping this category. (suddenly lets out a massive belch powerful enough to level a small office building) Excuse me...must've been someone I ate. (blushes)

Eudy: (from backstage, sarcastically) Hey, we're on live television here! Save that for after the show!

RW: Shut up, Snoody! Venus, do you have an answer?

Venus: Um, Mamoru and Usagi do it? You know, *it*. (giggles)

Moon: Hentai! (sticks out tongue)

RW: Eudy?

Eudy: Nope! (buzzes) Shows what kind of fanfics you read, Venus! Hanging around the hentai and yaoi fanfic archives lately?

Mercury: (perks) Did you say yaoi?

[Everyone turns to stare at her. She blushes bright red.]

Venus: Nothing to be ashamed of, Ami-chan!

Eudy: Yaoi is yum! (holds up huge sign, plastered with the cover of the third Earthian OAV) Especially Chihaya-chan...and Kagetsuya-sama!

Venus: I'm a happy, happy hentai! (whips out membership card to Eudy's Happy House of Hentai)

Eudy: Hey, you must be the one using the name Venus Scout, that chick who's always ordering adult videos! My best customer! Besides myself, that is. Hey, were those Venus 5 videos your idea?

Venus: (gives 'V' for victory, smiles, winks) Of course!

RW: *Ahem*. One strike against the Senshi, but Sailor Moon could come through big for the team. Princess?

Moon: Uh, um...uh...

RW: Five seconds.

Moon: Er, um...that is, I mean...uh...I, er...

RW: Sorry, you ran out of time! Another strike against the Senshi...the round now rests on Sailor Mercury's answer.

Mercury: My studies show that the biggest fanfic stereotype is making Naru into Sailor Earth. (turns off visor and computer)

Kunzite: Hey, she's cheating! Disqualify them!

[The rest of the Dark Kingdom team shouts agreement.]

Mercury: I wasn't cheating, I was simply using some calculus to estimate which answer would give the highest point value, a few simple related rate and implicit differentiation calculations, the integrals of a few hyperbolic functions, and --

[Everyone, including the crowd, sweatdrops, with huge multi-colored question marks dancing around their heads.]

Mercury: Er, never mind.

RW: Uh, she wasn't cheating. Take it at that. Survey says...?

Eudy: (makes really high pitched buzzing) Give the girl a Cuban cigar...RW, you know who to steal it from. That's our number one answer!

[Top line lights up: Naru Becomes Sailor Earth -- 42! Senshi Team goes wild, mobbing Mercury with hugs and high-fives. Crowd cheers. The Dark Kingdom team grumbles about cheaters.]

RW: Okay, Mars, remember, you still have two strikes!

Mars: I say, it's matching all of us up with *them*. (points across to the Dark Kingdom's podium)

Zoisite: Believe me, we don't like the idea either. Sluts. Who wants women, anyway? (smiles at Kunzite, winks)

Nephrite & Jadeite: *We* want women, that's who!

Eudy: Not according to this, Nephrite-sama! (whips out copy of Wildflowers, Book Four, Part Five) Unless Endymion's a woman --

RW: Which he may very well be!

Nephrite: (angry) He is not! Believe me, I know! Just because he has certain things doesn't mean -- (stops himself)

Eudy: I knew it! And what about this?? (holds up H-manga showing Nephrite trying to crawl into Jadeite's bed)

Jadeite: Just to let you all know, I had NO part in that!!!!!!

Nephrite: Where did you get that? (blushes)

Eudy: Ah ha! You hentai! (giggles, chants) I made Neffy blush, I made Neffy blush, I made --

RW: (yells) Now, focus, people! (to herself) Oh, God, I sound like a certain dork I know... (louder) Eudy, do we have an answer?

Eudy: Yes, we do! (dings)

[Second answer lights up: Senshi Matched Up with Kings -- 36.]

RW: Looks like a sweep by the Senshi...if Jupiter's got the one answer we're still looking for!

Jupiter: It's...Mercury finally getting a boyfriend?

Mercury: Hey! How can you say that!

RW: Break it up. Eudy?

Eudy: Sorry, but (buzzes) nope!

RW: Oh, too the Dark Kingdom has a chance to steal! It's all you, Nephrite...and someone block Eudy from telling him the answer by sign language!

Eudy: I wouldn't cheat! Subete shihai ni yotte ano hoshi... including all knowledge!

Nephrite: That's right, and the stars tell me that the answer is Zoisite never being serious.

RW: And survey says...

Eudy: That's the one! (dings ecstatically)

[The entire Dark Kingdom team goes wild...all except for Zoisite.]

Zoisite: (muttering darkly) Whoever answered that survey's gonna get an ice crystal in a *very* uncomfortable place!

Eudy: Here's the scores after round two of Family Feud!

The scoreboard lights up to show:

Dark Kingdom: 185

Senshi Team: 0
 * Naru Becomes Sailor Earth..................................42 *
 * Senshi Matched Up with Kings...............................36 *
 * Makoto as Tough, Dumb Girl.................................11 *
 * Minako as Airhead...........................................4 *
 * Zoisite is Never Serious....................................4 *
 * Jadeite's Release From Eternal Sleep........................3 *

RW: And that takes us to the end of round two! While we're setting up for round three, the round where all point values are doubled, please take this time to listen to a few words from our sponsor!


[Eudialyte is seen hanging off of Nephrite's ankle, drooling all over his boots as he walks around the Dark Kingdom. Scenes of his entire day are shown...meeting with Beryl, hair appointment, arguments with Zoisite, all with Eudialyte hanging on his leg.]

Announcer Dude: Got this problem? Then you need Eudy-X! Eudy-X is a new product designed specifically to repel Eudialyte. Watch as Nephrite demonstrates its power!

[Aerosol can labelled 'Eudy-X' drops down from ceiling, and Nephrite grabs it, removes the top, shakes it, then sprays it on the girl who is hanging on his leg. Nothing happens. A purple question mark appears over Nephrite's head, and he sprays her again. Still nothing...he sprays until the can is empty, and Eudy finally lets go. Nephrite sighs, glad that she is off.]

Eudy: (jumping up and grabbing his arm) Hey, baby, wanna fu--

Announcer Dude: (quickly cutting in) Uh, never mind. Back to our show... (nervous laugh)


RW: Welcome back to round three of Family Feud! Remember, all point values are doubled. Nephrite, Sailor Mars, please step up and prepare to answer this question...

[Nephrite and Mars step to the podium and place their hands above it, glaring at each other with hostility.]

RW: (turns to the board) Nanii? There's only one answer? What kind of question is this? (pulls out card and reads) Name the best Sailor Moon-related website on the 'Net! ...huh?

[Mars smashes her hand down a fraction of a second before Nephrite. She pulls down one eyelid and sticks out her tongue. Nephrite moves to strangle her...]

RW: (shoving Mars and Nephrite apart) That's enough of that! Sailor Mars, your answer, please?

Mars: (smugly) It's Hitoshi Doi's Sailor Moon pages, obviously.

RW: Eudy, is that our answer?

Eudy: (obscene buzzing) NO!

[Nephrite smirks at Mars. She slaps him.]

Mars: Don't make that face at me!

Nephrite: You'll pay for that, you little bi--

RW: (yells) *Stop!*

[Everyone freezes, her shout was so loud.]

RW: Thank you., sama, your answer?

Nephrite: (makes nasty face at Mars before answering) Jaime's Dark Kingdom Shrine.

Eudy: We have a *winner*! (dings)

RW: Stop, stop, *stop*! If that wasn't rigged, I don't know what is!

Eudy: What makes you say that? My site's the best! (tries to hand out cards with web address on them)

RW: (takes cards, rips them up) You wish, baka! Where's the real round three?

Eudy: (sarcastically) I ate it.

RW: I didn't ask where Nephrite went, I asked where round three went! What did you do to it?

Nephrite: Excuse me, don't talk about me like that! I'm still here!

RW: You won't be, if Eudy gets her hands on you. (leers) Or if I do. (giggles)

Venus: (pulls out video camera) Can I tape it for my collection?

Nephrite: Nothing's going to happen! How can you tape it?

Eudy: (appears from backstage, grabs Nephrite) Plenty's going to happen! Come here, Venus, and bring that camera! (drags Nephrite backstage by the hair)

Nephrite: Ouch, ow! Watch the hair, you amazon!

[The Amazoness Quartet and Amazon Trio appear out of nowhere.]

All Seven: (bowing) You called?

Jupiter: What the hell are they doing here?

RW: (screams) Enough!!!

[Everyone stops.]

RW: Now, you seven go home. (they disappear) Eudy, Venus, bring Nephrite back!

Venus: (from backstage) And miss this? I've never seen a guy get assaulted before...and to catch it on tape!

Nephrite: Stop that! Leave me alone! Don't you take my shirt off! I wanna go home!

Eudy: Quit your crying!

RW: (runs backstage) Get back here! (drags Venus and Nephrite from backstage) Nephrite, get ready for the real question. Venus, back to your team.

Venus: (pouting) But...

RW: Now!

Venus: Okay, okay... (goes back to the Senshi Team podium)

RW: And the *real* round three category is: Name the Hottest Guys from Any Season of Sailor Moon!

[Nephrite pounds the buzzer before Mars begins to make a move.]

RW: Yes, Nephrite? Nice reflexes, by the way.

Nephrite: (tosses gorgeous hair) Me, of course.

RW: (drool) Eudy, what do you say to that?

Eudy: I say...Nephrite is the babe!

[Top line of board flips over to reveal: Nephrite -- 39.]

RW: Eudy, did you rig this survey?

Eudy: No! Everyone knows that Nephrite's the hottest man in all anime, let alone Sailor Moon! Duh!

Zoisite: Hey, I thought that was me!

Kunzite: I agree.

Moon: No way! I've got the best answer! It's --

Mars: Shut up, Usagi, do you want to give away the answer?!?

Beryl: I have a strong suspicion of what the Princess' answer is, and she is correct.

Moon: Wow, I am?

RW: (clears throat) Nephrite, play or pass?

Eudy: Play, oh Neffy, come here and play with me! Hey, you can make a pass while you're at it!

Venus: (gets video camera) Can I tape it?

RW: (tears hair, mutters to self) Why do I get the feeling that this is quickly getting out of hand?

Voice of Queen Serenity: Because it is?

RW: (nods) That just might be it. (yells) Stop, stop, stop! Come on, don't you want to win the prize?

[Camera cuts to a shot of Chibi-Usa flailing about, swinging back and forth from the rope in the ceiling.]

Entire Dark Kingdom Team: Not really!

Senshi Team (except Moon): Yes!

Mercury: (elbows Moon): Usagi, she's your daughter!

Moon: Yeah, so?

Chibi-Usa: I heard that!!

[Sailor Moon pulls down one eyelid and sticks out her tongue. Chibi-Usa sticks out her tongue.]

Chibi-Usa and Moon: Phbbbbbbt!

Nephrite: We'll play, we'll play!!

RW: (shouting over chaos) Zoisite, can I have your answer?

Zoisite: Of course. Me.

RW: Eudy?

[The very last line on the scoreboard reveals...Zoisite -- 1.]

Zoisite: (screeches) One? One?!?

[A girl runs out of the audience onto the stage.]

Nikki: I voted for you, Zoi-chan! Now, I expect a little favor from you for that. (eyes gleam)

Zoisite: Uh...

Nikki: (latching onto his arm) Wanna go backstage? (fiddles with his belt)

Zoisite: Not really.

Kunzite: Not at all!

Nikki: Okay! Then we can just do it here! (unbuttons his jacket)

Zoisite: (pushing her away) Stop that! Hentai!

Eudy, Nikki, and RW: You called?

Zoisite: (sweatdrop) No. Go away!

[Nikki jumps on top of Zoisite, knocking him onto the floor and just out of the range of the camera. Clothing flies up into the screen at an amazing rate.]

Venus: (rolling videotape) Wow, cool. I need a better angle on this! (moves to center of stage)

Kunzite: (tries to pull Nikki off of Zoisite) Stop that! Don't touch him there! That's mine!

Nikki: (grunting) It's mine now, pretty boy. (pant)

Zoisite: Help, help! Rape!

Venus: No duh, Zoisite, I can see that. (rolls eyes)

Chibi-Usa: What are they doing? (leans forward curiously)

Mercury: Don't look! (runs over to cover Chibi-Usa's eyes)

RW: Well, it looks like it's Kunzite's turn to answer. Who's the hottest guy on Sailor Moon?

[Kunzite doesn't answer. He merely stands, staring down at Zoisite and Nikki.]

RW: Three Out of time! That's one strike against the Dark Kingdom. Play moves on to Queen Beryl. Your answer, Majesty?

Beryl: Simple. The most desirable man in creation is Endymion.

Moon: (whines) You stole my answer!

RW: Eudy?

Eudy: (buzzes) She may have stolen your answer but it's wrong! Endymion's not even a man! (peeks out from behind the scoreboard) Nephrite, on the other hand... (leers)

Nephrite: (panicked) You stay away from me, crazy woman!

Eudy: (rushes at him) Come on, the Senshi team is missing two members, you're only missing Zoisite!

Nephrite: (backs away in terror, eyes wide) No. No. NO!

Eudy: (evil giggle) Yes. Oh, yes, yes, yes! (drags him away)

RW: (sighs) Jadeite, may I have your answer?

Jadeite: Don't ask me, I'm straight! Unlike all of them.

RW: (horrified) Nephrite's... (whispers) gay?

Jadeite: It would seem so. He keeps trying to get it on with me. See? (whips out H-manga)

RW: (takes it) Oh, wow, I thought Eudy had the only copy in creation! Can I borrow this?

Eudy: (yelling) He's not gay, he's bi! I've got him proving that right now!

[Moaning of the like only a true hentai should hear drifts from backstage...]

RW: Anyway, Jadeite, that's not the right answer. Sailor Jupiter, your answer?

Jupiter: (dreamily) Motoki.

RW: Eudy, is Motoki on that board?

Eudy: I don't know, because Neph-chan's on me.

[A few moments pass before the third slot from the bottom reveals: Motoki -- 3. The remaining members of the Senshi team mob Jupiter.]

Mars: Way to go!

RW: And the results of this final round are:

 * Nephrite.........39 *
 * Seiya............33 *
 * Kunzite...........6 *
 * Yaten.............6 *
 * Tiger's Eye.......5 *
 * Prince Demand.....4 *
 * Motoki............3 *
 * Artemis...........3 *
 * Zoisite...........1 *

The Senshi stole 129 points in this round, bringing the final scores to:

Dark Kingdom: 185
Senshi Team: 129

Looks like the Dark Kingdom gets to play the fast money round. Very nice try at a comeback, Senshi, but I'm afraid it just wasn't enough. Your second place team prize is...Eudy?

Eudy: (pops out from behind stage, sweaty and flushed) Um. Oh, yeah! Your prize is a wonderful one-week trip to New York and five tickets to an exclusive, invite-only performance of Lord of the Dance! You'll stay in the lovely Hentai Hotel located merely three blocks from... (she drones on)

[The Senshi file out, exclaiming about how great their prize is compared to Chibi-Usa.]

Chibi-Usa: (screeches) Usagi? You can't leave me here! (cries)

RW: Eudy, will you do the honors? (tosses her a roll of duct tape)

Eudy: Of course.

Chibi-Usa: (screams) What are you doing?!? Hey, don't tape my mouth --

[Eudialyte not only tapes her mouth shut, but wraps the tape around her head several times. Chibi-Usa flails about, trying to scream, but only managing a demonic growl.]

RW: Ah. Much better. Now, Dark Kingdom Team, choose two members of your team to play this final round!

[Nephrite and Zoisite stumble back to their places. Beryl, Jadeite, and Kunzite shove them back out onto the stage.]

Beryl: These fools will play.

Zoisite: But --

Beryl: (shouts) Silence! You dare defy me? Shall I put you in freezer storage like I did Jadeite?

[Nephrite and Zoisite cower in fear. Jadeite winces.]

Beryl: I thought not.

Nikki: (panting, jumps into the exhausted Zoisite's arms) I'll play the fast round with you again...and again...and again....

Zoisite: (runs) Okay, okay I'll play the damn game! I'll play!!!

RW: Well, who will play first?

Zoisite: Nephrite!

Nephrite: Zoisite!

Nikki: Nephrite!

Eudy: Zoisite!

Kunzite: Nephrite!

Jadeite: Nephrite. (mutters) Damn queer...

Eudy: I heard that!!!!!!!

RW: Sounds like a majority. Come over here, Nephrite.

[He stumbles and nearly falls over. RW catches him.]

Nephrite: Sorry. I'm a little drained. (shoots glance at Eudy)

Eudy: You know you loved it. Now I know what you do when you suck out people's energy! Or, shall I say, fu--

RW: That's enough of that!

Someone in Audience: No, it's not!

[A young woman with long, straight fiery red hair hops onto the stage. She's dressed all in black, and her light blue-grey eyes sparkle mischievously.]

Kunzite: Who the hell are you?

Young Woman: (annoyed) You don't remember me??

[Kunzite thinks for a moment. Smoke pours from his ears, setting off the fire alarms and the automatic sprinklers.]

RW: Damn it! Turn that off before the board short-circuits!!! (grumbles) Where's Jupiter when I need her to control the electricity?

[Everything in the studio goes dark. The audience shrieks, more thrilled than frightened.]

Eudy: (claps hands happily) Since the lights are off...oh, Neffy!

Nephrite: NO!

[The sound of running feet can be heard circling the stage, then a large crash as someone trips over a long power cable which is currently powerless.]

Nephrite: (*thump*) Owwww...nooooo -- oof!

Eudy: (lands on top of him) Yes. Ooooooh, yes. Take me, Astrael!

RW: Keep your fics straight, baka!

Eudy: Who ever said Astrael was straight? Lemme see those wings, angel baby, then bang me till we're both blue!

RW: (slaps forehead) Why me?

Eudy: 'Cause we love ya!

[The emergency showers stop, and the lights slowly come back on.]

Kunzite: (stops thinking)

Woman: How dare you! After all my stories about you! I'm Stayka!

Kunzite: Who?

Eudy: (in background) Oh, Astrael-sama! Come here! ...and here and here and *here*...

Stayka: Forget it. (slips RW a piece of paper)

RW: Huh? (looks) Oh, cool, this is how the final round goes! Eudy, get off of Nephrite so he can play!

Eudy: I am getting off on him!

RW: I said get off of him, not on him! (to Stayka) Thanks a ton. Can I do anything for you?

[She leans over and whispers in RW's ear. RW nods.]

Kunzite: (Stayka latches onto his arm) Huh? Hey, let go!

Stayka: You're mine now. The hostess said so. Let's go to one of those photo page would look great if I topped it with a pic of me and you posing! The real Kunzite!

[She drags him away as he calls to Zoisite for help.]

Zoisite: Like I'm in a position to help?

[Nikki grins from her perch atop Zoisite' mind. '^_^]

RW: Why do I have the feeling that this has deteriorated way beyond the point of no return?

Audience: (in unison) Because it has?

Jadeite: (annoyed) Why am I the only one here who's not getting any?

[The audience focuses all attention upon Jadeite. Beryl turns to him, a look of utter puzzlement on her face.]

Beryl: Why are you wearing that uniform? Who are you?

RW: Hey, I know you? You seem vaguely familiar...

[Jadeite grumbles something and turns away. RW turns to Nikki and Eudy.]

RW: Okay, you two. If you don't stop that right now, I'm calling security, and you will *never* get to touch them again for the rest of your miserable hentai lives!

Eudy and Nikki: AwwwwwwwwwWWWWWWWW! (get off... *ahem* ^_~)

RW: Quit the whining, or no more sex ever.

[They pout, but do as ordered. Nephrite and Zoisite stumble to the center of the stage, hastily buckling belts and adjusting uniforms.]

RW: Nephrite, take your position! Someone take Zoisite backstage, he's not allowed --

Nikki: Oh, me, I'll take Zoi-chan backstage! Or, maybe, he can take me there!

Eudy: No way, that's my spot!

RW: (shoves Zoisite backstage) Oh no you don't! (stops Nikki from following)

Nikki: Awwwwwww! Come ON!!!!!!!!!!

RW: (ignores her) Now, Nephrite, you have fifteen seconds to give the best answer in each of the following six categories! Face the board, please!

[Nephrite turns toward the board.]

RW: Ready?

Audience: Ready!

RW: Eudy, give me fifteen seconds on the clock! And don't forget to reset after every answer!

Eudy: (punches button) You got it!

RW: Ready, Nephrite?

Beryl: He better be ready, or I'll give him back to your assistant! *points backstage*

Eudy: (from backstage) All riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

[Nephrite winces.]

Nephrite: I'm ready.

RW: Go! Name the best Sailor Moon vocal song!

Nephrite: Uh, um...

Beryl: Answer!

Nephrite: Ai No Energy wo Ubae! *glances at Beryl*

Beryl: (fuming) You fool! Stop trying to suck up and try to win!

RW: Nephrite, what's the best episode of Sailor Moon?

Nephrite: The one where Zoisite dies!

Zoisite: (growling under breath) Just wait until it's my turn...

RW: Who's the most annoying Senshi besides Chibi-Moon?

Nephrite: Neptune!

[A tidal wave washes over the stage, sweeping Nephrite away.]

Voice: Invited by a new age, the soldier of embrace, Sailor Neptune!

RW: Embrace this, bitch! Stick it up your anus! Er, Uranus!

Uranus: Enough with the bad jokes, okay? (rolls eyes)

Neptune: Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep Sub--

[She is cut off as a trapdoor opens beneath her.]

Eudy: (from backstage) Now I know what that button does.

[RW drags Nephrite back and props him up against the podium. He's sopping wet.]

RW: Eudy, reset the clock for fifteen seconds...Nephrite, get ready...GO! Name the best supporting character!

Nephrite: Naru-chan!

RW: What's the best season of Sailor Moon?

Nephrite: The first!

RW: And, finally, what's the best Sailor Moon fanfic?

Nephrite: Wildflowers!

[Eudy runs out from backstage, flips in the air, and appears as the Wildflowers Naru, a lovely young woman with long black hair and sparkling grey eyes. She flies into Nephrite's arms. As he catches her, a pair of gorgeous brilliant white wings sprout from his back. Eudy-Naru turns a bit and holds up a huge sign that says, in giant block letters, 'READ WILDFLOWERS!'.]

Eudy-Naru: Point your browsers toward as soon as you switch off your television sets! (to Nephrite) Astrael, I have missed you so. Will you not kiss your wife?

Nephrite-Astrael: Naru, you know that we are forbidden to be together.

Eudy-Naru: It has been a thousand years since last we kissed. Astrael, please...

[Astrael, true to form, cannot resist his wife (or anything slightly cuddly...or warm, for that matter...) and bends to kiss her. Romantic music swells in the background. Just before his lips touch hers, RW smashes Eudy-Naru on the head with a huge wooden mallet, a la Wakko, shoves her into a huge burlap sack, ties it with twine, then kicks it off the stage.]

RW: Enough with the shameless self-promotion! (burns Wildflowers sign) Nephrite, lose the wings...get Zoisite out here and ready to play. (yells) ...and turn that crap off!

[The romantic music suddenly stops.]

RW: Much better. Nephrite, one final, non-game question in the moments that remain...who's the best author of Sailor Moon hentai fanfiction?

Nephrite: Hentai Otaku!

Eudy: (inside sack, muffled) I agree! I want more of Lovers and Other Strange People!

RW: You want more lovers? Like you don't already have three hundred!

Eudy: So? One more won't hurt.

RW: (points to sack) Let her out. I need her to work the board.

[Eudy pops out of the bag as soon as it is opened and runs backstage, dragging Nephrite with her.]

RW: Um, ex-squeeze me, what do you think you're doing?

Eudy: I don't think I'm doing it, I AM doing it!

RW: What you better be doing is getting fifteen seconds on the clock. The faster we get this over with, the sooner you can screw Nephrite until you pass out! Now, let's see how Nephrite did...

[Eudy punches a few buttons, and the board shows:

 * Ai No Energy wo Ubae.............1 *
 * Episode 35......................10 *
 * Neptune.........................37 *
 * Osaka Naru......................35 *
 * First...........................28 *
 * Wildflowers.....................87 *

RW takes one look...]

RW: Nice try. How about you put the real number for Wildflowers up, huh?

Eudy: (whining) It IS the real number!

RW: Whatever. (points) Right there, please.

Mercury: Mercury...Aqua Rhapsody!!!!!

[The water washes away the eight and replaces it with a two. Twenty-seven, not eighty-seven.]

Eudy: You suck. What's wrong with shameless self-promotion??

RW: Nothing, but there's way too much of it here! (thinks) That makes 138 total only need 62 more to win! Get ready so Zoisite can play!

Beryl: (shoves a protesting Zoisite to podium) Do better than that miserable fool!

Nikki: Or you can come back here with me! (pant)

Zoisite: Okay, okay, what are the categories???

RW: Fifteen seconds...go! What's the best Sailor Moon vocal song?

Zoisite: Uh...Sailor Team No Theme!

[He looks to Beryl, who nods slightly to indicate that his answer was, at least, better than Nephrite's.]

RW: The best episode of Sailor Moon?

Zoisite: The one where I kill Nephrite!

Eudy: (pauses clock, runs out from backstage) Excuse me, Fruitzite, but you didn't kill him, wuss! You sent your little youma buddies to do it because you were too much of a wimp to do it yourself! (sticks out tongue)

Zoisite: Oh yeah? (sticks out tongue)

Eudy: (tries to say 'yeah!' while her tongue is out) Bleeeah!

RW: Listen, jerks, the raspberry in my name does not stand for that! (slaps them unsilly) Get backstage now!!!!!!!

Eudy: (runs back, whimpering) Okay, okay...

RW: Zoisite, ready? Start the clock! Who's the most annoying Senshi besides Chibi-Moon?

Zoisite: Mercury-dork!

Voice: Shining Aqua...Illusion!!!

[A huge wave of icy water envelops Zoisite, freezing him solid.]

Mercury: I am not a dork.

Eudy: (beats her over the head with RW's mallet, boots her offstage) Whatever, dork.

RW: Someone unfreeze the contestant! (slaps forehead)

Nikki: Oooh, me, ooh, me, I'm hot for you, Zoi-chan, let me melt you out!

[The moment Nikki touches the ice, it vaporizes. She grins at Zoisite.]

Nikki: You owe me, Zoi-babe.

Zoisite: (gulp) Uh...

RW: Can we get this over with??? Start clock!!! Zoisite, who's the best supporting character?


[Chibi-Usa swings around on her chain, trying to summon the Pegasus.]

Jadeite: Uh oh, she's trying to summon the horny beast!

[Everyone ignores him. Jadeite pouts.]

RW: The best season of Sailor Moon?

Zoisite: The first!

RW: What's the best Sailor Moon fanfic?

Zoisite: A Time to Die...I'm in it!

RW: Never mind that you get killed in it!

Zoisite: I just switch the names around...switch my name with Nephrite's and I get to kill him. (grin)

RW: No time pressure here...but...who writes the best Sailor Moon hentai fanfiction?

[Eudy zooms up from backstage with a notebook and pen, eager to take down the info.]

Zoisite: (blushing slightly)

Eudy: Yeah? How about a free sample, huh??

To be concluded in the near future! Thanks for reading!

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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