Nani!?! or What Did I Do To Deserve This?!

© 1999 by Lyra Stormrider

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Author's Note:

This twisted little fic doesn't really fit into the Sailor Moon universe, though it could. If it seems insane, well, blame my muses. This fic mixs aspects of both the manga and the anime, so please don't yell at me if it doesn't fit the storyline for either of them. The Dark Kingdom and it's inhabitants belong to Takeuchi Naoko, the wonderful woman who brought Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon to us all. Send all comments, flames, suggestions to Thank you, now on with the show.

Nani!?! or What Did I Do To Deserve This?!

© 1999 by Lyra Stormrider

Beryl, Queen of the Negaverse, sat in her empty audience chamber. She held a wine glass in her hand and wore an irritated glare.

'Jadeite!' she mentally yelled.

When no response came after a minute, she growled, 'Nephrite!' Another minute passed and she still received no answer. Beryl glared at the four empty bottles on a nearby table.


Beryl grew increasingly angry as each minute passed. Finally, she shrieked mentally, 'Malachite!!!'

A split second later, the highest ranking Dark King appeared in front of her.

"Yes, my Queen?"

"Where is Jadeite?"

"Um, you placed him into eternal sleep."

"Hm. What about Nephrite and Zoisite?"

"They're both dead."

"What?!! How did they die?" she slurred.

"Zoisite killed Nephrite and you killed Zoisite."


Malachite noticed the four empty wine bottles and panicked internally. He remembered hearing about the last time Beryl had gotten drunk. Actually, what he remembered most was the fact that both Jadeite and Zoisite refused to say anything about it, merely telling him that he should count himself lucky. He had been out on assignment with Nephrite. Now that he thought on it, that incident, whatever it was, went a long way to explaining Jadeite and Zoisite's fear of Beryl.


"Yes, my Queen?"

"I need some entertainment..." she murmured, raising the glass to her lips. She suddenly looked down and grimaced. "Pour me more wine."

Malachite took the glass from her hand and refilled it. Beryl's lips curled into a smile as he handed the glass back.

"Malachite, I want you to..."

"Yes?" he asked with rising dread.

" for me." she exclaimed in glee.

Malachite's jaw dropped. "What?!"

"Hmm...better thought. Karaoke! You're going to dance and sing!!"

"T-There's a slight problem with that my Queen."

"Like what?" she scowled at him.

"I can't sing."

"Yes, you can. I've heard you."

"Not karaoke. I don't know any earth songs!"

"Then, you need back-up!"


There was a bright flash of light to Malachite's left and Prince Endymion appeared. He was dripping wet and only wearing a towel.

"Yes, my Queen?"

Beryl's grin widened at Endymion's appearance. "I need some entertainment and you're going to help Malachite entertain me."

"If you'll hold that thought a moment, my Queen." he said as she began to rise.

Beryl wobbled to her feet and reached out to grab him just as he teleported away, snagging the towel.

"Damn, better luck next time." she muttered, turning to Malachite. "Now, to get you in the role."

The next thing Malachite knew, he was dressed in gray tights, a white poet's shirt, and a black vest. He felt his hair being styled as well. He raised a trembling hand to his hair, then pulled a mirror out of thin air. He took one look at himself and fell, ignomainiously, in a heap.

Beryl looked down with a grin. "Just how I like my men, at my feet." she cackled.

She nudged the unconsious Malachite with her foot. Endymion reappeared, dressed in his prince's uniform, minus the armor, and looked down at Malachite.

"What's with him?"

Suddenly, Malachite let out a groan and began to sit up. He raised the mirror and let out a tiny whimper as he caught sight of his hair. "What have you done to my hair?"

"Nothing that can't be corrected with a wash...or three."

Endymion took one look at Malachite's new outfit and started laughing.

"Endymion, you're going to help Malachite entertain me." she drunkenly slurred. "You two are going to dance and do karaoke!"

Beryl placed Endymion into a pair of tight, black leather pants and a sleeveless shirt a la Ares of Xena: Warrior Princess. She also materialized a large karaoke system. Cueing up the song she wanted, she handed both men microphones and commanded them to go to the center of the room.

As they stood in the middle of the room, Endymion yawned and hissed at Malachite, "What the bloody hell is going on?!"

"She's drunk!!"

They both jumped when Beryl hit the play button, sending David Bowie's voice blaring through the room. The words to the song scrolled across the tv screen and Beryl screeched, "Sing!"

Malachite reluctantly began to sing along with the music and Endymion followed his lead.

"Right" (I saw my baby, crying hard as babe could cry...)

"Yeah, shake that butt, Endymion!!"

Endymion winced, and it was then that Malachite noticed the dark rings under his eyes.

"You look terrible." Malachite exclaimed in an undertone as he continued singing.

"Tell me about it! Being her bed toy isn't all it's cracked up to be!!"

"Really? Do tell."

"Come on, Malachite! Shake your @ss, move those hips!" yelled Beryl.

Malachite obligingly swiveled his hips and added another bump and grind move. (Think Madonna and the song 'Vogue')

"You actually want to know? Well, for one thing, she snores. I haven't gotten a wink of sleep in the past two days! Besides which, she hogs all the sheets at night."

"Sing louder, and move it!"

(What kind of magic spell to use? Slime or snails or puppy dog tails, thunder or lighting, something frightening...)

"I feel sorry for you. I'm glad she's never wanted me as her toy."

Endymion darted him a quick glance and a quick smile. "Oh, she thought about it for a while, then found something else to occupy her thoughts."

Malachite blanched and said, "What?"

It was Endymion's turn to blanch. "Me."

"Endymion!! Get up here!"

Endymion heaved a huge sigh and teleported to the foot of her dias. She began to passionately kiss him and Malachite took the oppertunity to slip away unnoticed.

- The End -

* * *

"And I'm glad that piece of tripe is over."


"Yes, tripe. Now, Lyra-chan, dear, we need to have a little talk."

"Uh, about what?"

"This last piece of fiction you just finished writing."


"What is the big idea? Dressing me like that, messing up my hair, MAKING ME BE NICE TO ENDYMION!!

"Blame my muse. He gave me the idea."


"Yeah. I have two muses. I believe you've met Arashi before."

"Yes. Are you saying that she gave you this idea?"

"No, that was Armand."


"My other muse. Want to meet him?"


"Fine. Armand!!"

With a flash of light, a tiny man, about two inches tall, appeared. He then grew to about six feet tall in a matter of seconds and bowed over my hand.

"Enchanté, mon cherie."

"I didn't know you spoke French, Lyra-chan."

"I don't. He just likes speaking it to me and I don't mind 'cause he's so cute when he does."

Armand grinned at Malachite, his violet eyes glimmering, and flipped a strand of his long, midnight black hair over his shoulder.

"Why did you have to follow his suggestion? That was embarrassing!"

"I could have followed Arashi's suggestion instead."

"That would have probably been less embarrassing than his idea."

"Not really. She told me to write a story about my cute little pet Chibi Malachite, who runs around wearing only a cape."

Malachite blushed. "You're incorrigble!"

He turned and began to walk away, then stopped and turned back to me.

"You don't really have a pet like that, do you?"


I flashed a smile at him as he teleported away. Round one to his wonderful miko, me!

* * *

Now, welcome to the real ending of this fic.

P.S. Please no flames about Malachite not being in love with Zoisite. I told you I use both the anime and manga and in the manga, they weren't together as a couple. They were just friends.

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