A Day in the Life of the Negaverse

A Sailor Moon Fanfic (sort of)

(or) We All Have Our Own Little Obsessions

© 1996 by Marla Bain... First Senshi of the Shrine of Malachite

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Author's Note:

A few quick things before you read my fanfic. First, and most importantly, Sailor Moon and all affiliated characters, etc. are the creations of Takeuchi Naoko and all of the brand names/movies, etc. mentioned are the property of their respective owners.

Secondly, if you see this somewhere and wish to put it on a webpage ask me before you do (My winter e-mail is at the bottom of the page or you can track me through Sailor Moon: Tacky Yellow No Name as I am a co-author.)

Thirdly (if that's a word), I wish to say that this story is not attempting to be serious in any way, shape or form. It does not fall anywhere within the SM timeline (except for the fact that the Dark Kingdom is around). It is not trying to seriously portray the characters.

It is merely trying present a (hopefully) humorous view of what these characters would be like if they were cartoons....I mean, uh......anyway, that's all folks. Enjoy! =)

A Day in the Life of the Negaverse

© 1996 by Marla Bain

Queen Beryl sat in her throne room, working in complete silence. The legions of youma which normally were invited to grovel in her presence had been sent away, for her present task was one of such importance and delicacy that complete silence and solitude was necessary for its completion. Not even her four generals were allowed to participate in the job at hand. The only sounds were the Queen's occasional mutterings as she bent over her task.

"Almost... almost... there! Ha ha ha ha!" She laughed maniacally upon the completion of her task. "I have done that which no one else has been able to do! The tracking is now perfect for my first viewing of Star Trek:Generations. Now where's my remote control?"

Queen Beryl searched frantically around the great hall for the remote control and, after finding it wedged under the seat cushion of her throne, sat back to enjoy the caperings of Captains Kirk and Picard. It was not to be, however. The opening credits were only half over when Beryl realized that she had forgotten to pick up the microwave popcorn.

"Damn! Where am I going to get snack food at this hour?" She stopped the VCR and, in a flare of temper, blasted a few boulders out her ceiling. When she had calmed down, a couple of hours and a few walls later, she decided to call upon one of her minions to provide her with the necessary junk food.

"Jadeite!" It was a moment before she heard a response.

"Hi... You've reached Jadeite's residence. I'm not in right now but if you leave your name and misson at the sound of the tone, I'll get right back to you... <beeeeep>" Queen Beryl rolled her eyes in annoyance.

"Jadeite! Pick up the line! I know you're there! I can hear you breathing! ...oh wait... That's right! I put him in eternal sleep. Well, he could have at least changed his message!"

Beryl sighed. She didn't normally reverse the eternal sleep since it tended to make her underlings think that they could get away with murder. However, desperate times called for desperate measures. So at the risk of looking like a soft-touch, Beryl decided to bring Jadeite back from the eternal sleep. She teleported the crystal which he was encased in to her throne room and immediately set a couple of youma to work at chipping him out.

Jadeite, being under the influence of total sensory deprivation, was unaware of the fact that he was about to be given a second chance. He was, in fact, unaware of most everything. In the first little while he had tried to hang onto his sanity by humming the scores to some of the more popular musicals in his head, but after getting through Phantom, Les Mis and part of Cats he grew bored and eventually just dozed off. He was, therefore, fast asleep when the upper part of his body was finally freed by the persistant youma.

"Jadeite, wake up!" Beryl tapped her foot in an aggravated fashion. Patience had never been one of her strong suits. Jadeite rolled over in his sleep (quite an accomplishment while partially sealed in a giant crystal) and began to snore.


"Just five more minutes, Ma..."

Queen Beryl motioned to the youma to place Jadeite upright. He slumped slightly, still in dreamland. Beryl stood nose to nose with her first general.

"Jadeite! Wake up!!!" Beryl's screech echoed throughout the great hall. Jadeite snapped awake and tried to jump backwards. His feet, however, were still encased in the cystal and he could only manage a, less than graceful, tumble onto his backside.

"My queen wishes to... <yawn>... speak with me?" Jadeite asked automatically. He grumbled inwardly,though. 'Man, just when the dreams were starting to get really good...' The Queen glanced at him sharply, sensing his reluctance and he immediately snapped to attention.

"Yes, Jadeite." Queen Beryl sat and waved her hands over the crystal ball in front of her throne. It helped her concentrate. "There is a very important misson which must be completed and I have, therefore, decided to give you a second chance."

"Thank you, my Queen." Jadeite gave a deep, submissive bow. A little humility never hurt. "What is it you wish me to do? Discover the identity of the Moon Princess? Destroy the Sailor Scouts? Lead the attack of the Dark Kingdom on earth?"

"Far more important than that, Jadeite."

Jadeite felt giddy with power. The Queen had a job for him which was more important than leading the attack on earth. His mind raced with the possibilities as Queen Beryl prepared to announce his mission.

"I command you, Jadeite," she began, "to find me an all night convenience store..." This was not what he had expected but he was sure the best was yet to come. "...and purchase me a box of microwave popcorn... and get me the movie theatre kind, not that extra light crap..."

"My Queen?" Jadeite was becoming confused at this point but Beryl did not seem to notice.

"Oh, and while you're at it pick up one of those extra large bags of nachos... and don't forget the salsa... extra spicy..."

Jadeite began fumbling in his pockets for a pen and a piece of paper. Queen Beryl seemed to be on a roll and his memory had been slipping of late... not that there had been all that much to remember.

"Please, slow down Your Majesty.." Jadeite said as he hurriedly scribbled down the first few things she had requested. He glanced down at the youma who was snickering at his feet. "Who told you to stop working? If the rest of me's not out of that crystal soon, you'll be the one transporting me to the Kwik Mart." The youma went back to work but still seemed overly amused by Jadeite's rather sudden demotion from general to go-fer. Jadeite groaned inwardly. This was not the way to make a comeback.

Half an hour later Jadeite was making his way towards the all night Kwik Mart in downtown Tokyo. His teleport skills were still rusty after the not-so-eternal sleep and he had ended up tangled in the branches of a cherry tree. This, on top of the fact that the youma chipping him out of the crystal had gouged a hole in his new boots, had put the general in a frightfully bad mood. In an attempt to focus he began reading through the list of "reqirements" for his "misson".

"Popcorn, nachos, salsa (extra spicy), barbeque potatoe chips, mixed nuts, pretzles, licorice (black and cherry), beef jerky (?), Oreos, Cheetos, a couple of Mars Bars, a bunch of those little gummi candies... I'd better get a receipt or she'll never pay me back for all this stuff."

* * *

Meanwhile, in another part of the Dark Kingdom, Beryl's second general Neflite was in a predicament of his own. He stood before his open closet and stared at its contents, scowling. Racks and racks of blue-grey uniforms stared back at him. Neflite couldn't remember the last time he had had a wardrobe change and he didn't have time to go clothes shopping before his big date later that evening. He sighed. Maybe Molly wouldn't notice that he always wore the same few outfits. He began pulling out uniforms and holding them up to himself, hoping to find a stylish outfit that he had forgotten about.

"What was I thinking?" he muttered to himself as an old uniform with bell bottoms and extra wide lapels hit the floor. It was almost as bad as that punk phase he went through in the early eighties. Neflite shuddered at the memory and continued searching.

Finally, after a couple hours of debating, Neflite laid out his CK brand name uniform (the label would impress Molly if not the outfit itself). He had wanted to wear the Armani but he accidentally tore out the seams while trying to get it on. This had resulted in the appearance of a large sweat drop on his forehead and another hour of standing in front of the mirror trying to figure out where he had put on the extra weight.

"Guess I'll have to cut back on the Nega-twinkies..." Neflite sighed as he sucked in his stomach and struck a Riker-esque pose. Now that Molly was around he'd have to start exercising a little self-control. Abandoning his hopes of losing a few pounds before he had to meet his date, Neflite began the most difficult and time consuming part of his preparations... the hair.

Three bottles of hairspray and two curling irons later, Neflite was doing a last minute check on his appearance when he heard a summons from Queen Beryl.


For a moment Neflite considered pretending not to hear her. He could just show up later and say that he had been out when she called. The insanity passed quickly, however, and the second general of the Dark Kingdom was soon shuffling towards Beryl's throne room sulking about how he never got to have any fun.

When Neflite arrived in front of Beryl's throne it was a few moments before the queen even noticed him. He cleared his throat rather noisily, thinking that perhaps the large hearts in front of Queen Beryl's eyes were blocking her vision. The queen shushed him and continued gazing at a close up of Captain Picard on her wide screen television. Neflite thought this was odd considering that there was no dialogue at the time but, not wishing to invoke the queen's wrath, he took the hint.

It was five minutes later that Neflite realized that he could be standing there a while. The movie was only half over and Queen Beryl had given no indication that she would be pausing the tape to give her orders. He therefore occupied his time in a number of different ways... shifting his weight from one foot to the other, trying not to drool on his uniform as he looked at the mountain of junk food surrounding the throne and thinking up excuses that he could give Molly for being so late. He didn't even notice Jadeite until the other man poked him in the leg and motioned him to one side.

Needless to say, Neflite was rather suprised to see the general who had preceeded him and, when he had climbed down from the ceiling, he was filled with questions. How did Jadeite get out of the eternal sleep? Did this mean he was out of a job? Why is he scrubbing the floor of the great hall with a toothbrush? He later found out that Jadeite had pushed Beryl a little too far by asking her to pay him back for the snack food and she had given him a large portion of the cleaning detail as punishment. Getting a little labour out of Jadeite seemed more practical than putting him back in eternal sleep. Especially considering that professional cleaners charged an arm and a leg. At the time, however, these questions bounced around in Neflite's mind until at last he could stand it no longer and promptly fell asleep while still on his feet.

An hour and ten minutes later Neflite was awakened by the bellow of his queen. Beryl had finished watching Generations and, after reviewing her favorite parts, was ready to hand down her instructions to the second general.

"Neflite! ...oh, you're already here... excellent."

"W-w-w-what does my queen wish?" Neflite asked as he climbed down from the ceiling for the second time. He made a mental note to pick up something for his nerves.

"I wish for you to find something for me. An object of great importance and value."

At the other end of the hall Jadeite stifled a snort. 'Where have I heard that before?' he thought sarcastically. Queen Beryl glared in his direction and he began scrubbing with renewed energy. At this rate he was going to need another toothbrush.

"And what is this object my queen?" Like Jadeite before him, Neflite went on a small power trip wondering what this task was that only HE could carry out was.

"You know those novelty celebrity stand-ups? The ones made of cardboard?"

"Yeeessssss." Neflite answered slowly, not liking the direction that the conversation was taking.

"Find a store that sells them and pick up one of Captain Picard... oh, and maybe the entire cast of Star Wars as well... and one of Mulder and Scully from The X-Files."

"Is that all your majesty?" Neflite was gritting his teeth. So much for an evening on the town.

"Yes, you may leave now."

Neflite gave a low bow and headed for the exit.

"Oh, Neflite..." Beryl called him back. "While you're at it, drop this off at the video store and take a few dollars extra because there will probably be a late fine."

Neflite snatched the video as it floated in his direction and left after mumbling something along the lines of "who died and made you queen?" Thankfully Queen Beryl was already immersed in the latest issue of Starlog and didn't hear him.

Back in his mansion, Neflite pondered how he would fulfill the queen's wishes. It gave him something to do while waiting to regain hearing in his right ear. It always amazed him how loudly Molly could yell when she was angry. Hopefully she would give him another chance after she cooled off. She seemed to be more impatient as of late. Maybe it had something to do with that Melvin guy who always seemed to be hanging around. But first things first...

"Where on earth am I going to find all those stand-ups? I don't even know where to start looking." Neflite grumbled. He started to stand up and pace but promptly sat down again when he discovered that being partially deaf caused a serious lack in equilibrium. Forgetting his earlier wardrobe problems, Neflite grabbed a twinkie from the coffee table and began to eat it in a very annoyed fashion. Maybe the sugar hit would give him a brainstorm. Approximately ten minutes later he was rewarded for his efforts.

"Of course!" he shouted. "The stars know everything!"

Neflite raced to his computer, consequently banging his shin on the coffee table, and logged on.

"Ok... let's see... Netsearch... Lycos... Magellan... Excite... Yahoo. Here it is! The Stars Netsearch." He continued talking to himself as he typed. "Ok... search... Science Fiction... Merchandise... Standups." Neflite waited for a moment as the links to a bazillion websites came up on the screen and then began searching for through the most likely candidates. It wasn't long before the general had a list of over a dozen places where the stand-ups could be found.

"Now... just one more thing to check." Neflite continued mumbling to nothing and no one in particular. He groaned when the price list was called up. This was going to destory his Dark Master Card credit rating.

* * *

At the same time, in yet another part of the Negaverse...

"Honey, I'm home!"

Zoisite looked towards the main entrance, distracted from his step aerobics. He had been feeling a little sluggish lately and started a new exercise program in hopes that it would bring up his energy level. It was also a perfect excuse to buy a new workout leotard. Mauve was definitely his colour.

"How was your day?" he asked as Malachite entered the living room, threw off his cape and plunked down in front of the television.

"You wouldn't believe what I went through today." Malachite grabbed the remote and began channel surfing. "The lies... the deceit... the chaos... the carnage."

"Sounds like you had a great time."

"The best." Malachite decided on a channel and turned his attention back to Zoisite. "So how what did you do today?"

"Oh the usual. Found a rainbow crystal... fought the Sailor Brats... matched wits with Cape Boy... Oh, I also went down to Portraits 'R' Us and picked up those photos we had taken last Saturday." A snapshot flew towards Malachite, not unlike a ninja star, and he nabbed it in midflight.

"That's the best shot," Zoisite continued, "but I don't know... I think I'm making a weird face."

"You look fine," Malachite said, tossing the photo back. "Order a couple dozen and we can send them out in the Christmas cards this year."

"Sure thing." Zoisite continued with his step aerobics. "Oh, I also picked up this cute leotard on sale. What do you think?" He struck a pose.

"Looks good." Malachite peeled his eyes away from the t.v. for a fraction of a second. "I always thought green was your colour, though."

"Hmmmph!" Zoisite stuck his nose in the air. "You didn't even look!"

"What? Of course I did!" Malachite hoped this wasn't going to become a long argument. Baywatch was coming on and he hated to miss it.

"You did not! You're too busy staring at David Hasselhoff!"

"Get real! He's not even my type!"

"Then why is the TV still on!?"

"Okay... okay." Malachite turned of the television and stood up. "Are you happy now?"

"Go away!" Zoisite was in a huff and was not about to forgive and forget.

"Don't be mad, Zoisite." A rose appeared in his hand. "You know there's no one I care for more in all the Negaverse."

"Oh, Malachite." Zoisite smiled and took the rose.

Malachite smiled inwardly. 'Works every time.' he thought.

"Now, what would you like for supper? I'll go get take-out." Malachite began re-attaching his cape. Appearances counted.

"How about that new little Italian place? I hear it's pretty good."

"Your wish is my command."

"And while you're at it will you rent the new Ranma 1/2 video?"

Malachite grimaced inwardly.

"I really don't understand why you like that stuff." he complained.

"Quit griping. We rented what you wanted last weekend. It's my turn. Besides, for some reason I feel like I can really relate to this Ranma character. I'm not sure what it is..." Zoisite drifted off into thought.

"Alright, you win. Maybe I can find out from the video store when the Baywatch Movie is going to be released." Malachite deftly avoided the large table that Zoisite threw in his direction. Those cartoons were becoming a bad influence on him. "Just kidding. See you in about an hour."

Two hours later Malachite returned with an enormous amount of Italian cuisine and four Ranma 1/2 video. This was not, however, enough to placate the enraged Zoisite who had been pacing like a caged tiger for the past hour.

"Where have you been?" He seemed to tower above everything in the room, especially Malachite. An extremely large sweat drop appeared over the fourth general's head. He had known this would happen. Zoisite always got cranky when supper was late.

"I-I'm sorry... there was a-a huge line up at the restaurant... and traffic like..."

"Stop with the excuses!" Zoisite snatched a bag of food from his hands and began to look for the garlic bread. "I'm here starving to death while you were probably out stalking some Baywatch babe look-alike."

Malachite sighed. Somehow he thought the old rose routine wasn't going to work this time. Zoisite had always been testy but this time he seemed to be worse than usual. Maybe he should switch to de-caf.

Zoisite had just polished off the garlic bread and was moving onto the rigatoni when Queen Beryl's call came.

"Zoisite! Malachite! Present yourselves at once!!"

"Well, that's just great!" Zoisite threw down his fork with enough force to leave it sticking upright out of the kitchen table. "You're out ogling bimbos in bathing suits, my supper is late and now her queenship thinks we're free to be called on at any hour of the day!"

"Shhhhh! Shhhhh!" Malachite tried, unsuccessfully to calm his better half (?) down. "Queen Beryl will see you anger as weakness!"

"I don't care!" Zoisite began a tirade of insults, most of them directed at Malachite, and stormed around the house breaking anything he could get his hands on. Malachite rolled his eyes. Zoisite always picked the worst possible times to throw temper tantrums.

* * *

Queen Beryl was tapping her fingernails impatiently when Malachite finally arrived with a sullen Zoisite in tow. He took one look at the queen's face and immediately began trying to explain why the two of them were late.

"I'm terribly sorry for being less than prompt in answering your summons but we were..."

"Uh, don't worry about the explanations Malachite... just see that it doesn't happen again." Queen Beryl swiftly interrupted. There were some things that were better left to the imagination.

Neflite, who had long since returned with the fan merchandise for his queen, smirked off to one side. He was in a particularly bad mood after his outing. His credit had been cut off, the girl at the video store had given him a tongue lashing for not rewinding the movie and, to top it all off, some idiot in a Ferrari splashed mud all over his CK original. Between that and having to break his date with Molly, Neflite was quite happy to see someone else get the short end of the stick for a change. He turned his attention back to Queen Beryl as she addressed Zoisite.

"Zoisite, I'm pleased with your progress in recovering the rainbow crystals. I am, therefore going to send you on a special mission."

Neflite and Jadeite, who was still working on the floor, exchanged a look. Queen Beryl really needed to get a new spiel. She was getting far too predictable. Pretty soon every youma in the Negaverse would know what was coming next.

"What do you wish of me your majesty?" Zoisite went from sullen to power hungry in about one second flat. Queen Beryl waved her hands frantically over her crystal ball and a rather long list appeared before the third general.

"This is a list of the necessary objects. Bring them to me in one day's time and your rewards will be great." Meaning, of course, that she would spare Zoisite's life if the task was completed on time.

It was at this point that Malachite stepped forward. Here was the perfect opportunity to get back in Zoisite's good graces.

"Your majesty," he began, bowing. "I wish to assist Zoisite on this mission." Zoisite's eye's lit up, his earlier bad mood forgotten.

"Oh Malachite. I'm honored. Thank you, cupcake!"

"Your welcome, muffin. You know I'd do anything for you."

"I'm sorry I threw the table at you, sweetcheeks."

"Already forgotten, lovebug."

The two continued on like this for several minutes, completely oblivious to their surroundings. Jadeite was holding back some choice comments to throw in their direction. The last thing he needed was to have Zoisite, Malachite and Queen Beryl pissed off at him. Neflite, on the other hand, was openly making mock gagging motions off to the side. Queen Beryl noticed but decided to let it pass. The pair of them *could* be quite sickening at times. She cleared her throat loudly when they showed no sign of stopping their little love-in.

"As much as I would like you two to stick around and rot my teeth, I do have a deadline to meet. Therefore I suggest you two shut up and get going!"

"Yes my queen!" Malachite and Zoisite both made a dash for the exit with the list in tow.

The queen sighed heavily as she listened to her two generals crash down the hallway. She hoped those two would be able to get along until all of the objects were placed in her presence. After all, it wasn't everyday that first prize in the Star Trek Scavenger Hunt was a date with Patrick Stewart...

* * *

While Zoisite and Malachite were running off to do Beryl's bidding, the Sailor Scouts were meeting at Raye's temple to discuss the current situation concerning the Negaverse. Raye, Ami, Lita and Mina were seated around a low table while Serena sat off to one side, laughing her head off at Raye's comic books. (<g> is this familiar?) Luna and Artemis sat off to one side, waiting for Serena's laughter to die down before starting the meeting. Deciding that this was futile, Raye snatched the comics away from her and put them away.

"Serena! We're trying to have a serious meeting here!"

"You're so mean!" Serena whined, beginning to sniff.

"Not again..." Luna stepped in. "Serena, this crybaby act is getting old." Serena immediately snapped out of her crying jag.

"Complain to the writers, Luna. They're the ones who say I have to break into tears every episode. Just like Raye has to get angry, Ami has to do something intelligent, Lita has to mention her old boyfriend..."

"Okay, okay, I get the picture." Luna sighed. "Just keep it short and keep it down. This story's already getting out of control."

"Sure thing, Luna!" Serena went back to crying for a few minutes, while Raye lost her temper, Ami did a few calculations, Lita found a new crush, Mina hung around striking dramatic poses, Luna nagged and Artemis practiced his melodrama. Five minutes later the entire group had completed their character trademarks and they all settled down to business.

"So what's been going on with the Negaverse lately." Serena asked. "It's been really quiet for the last few days."

"Who knows?" Lita shrugged. "Maybe they gave up."

"Or maybe they're on vacation." Mina added.

"Or maybe it's a holiday in that evil society of theirs." Ami put in. Need it be said that sweat drops appeared on the heads of everyone present? I thought not.

"Or maybe not.." she quickly ammended.

"At any rate," Luna said, "We should take advantage of this momentary lull in the hostilities."

"That's right," Artemis put in. "After all, it's not everyday you get a break like this."

"So this means you should..."

"Study, study, study... right Luna?" Serena cut in.

"Don't be such a meatballhead, Serena! We should exercise and work on our attacks!"

"Raye's right," Lita added. "You can never get too much exercise."

"I should go write some entrance exams." Ami said. "I'll never get into med school if I don't start preparing now..."

"We should work on our poses and speeches for when we fight the Negaverse." Lita said. "If we intimidate them from the start, they'll be easier to beat!"

Needless to say, the meeting quickly degenerated into squabbling, which in turn degenerated into everyone blowing raspberries at everyone else. Finally Luna decided that enough was enough.

"Alright everyone! Shut up!"

Everyone froze in mid-fight and turned their attention to Luna.

"Thank you! Now, what I was going to say was that you should take some time off. Watch cartoons, read comics, pig out on junk food..." There was dead silence for a moment.

"Are you feeling ok Luna?" Serena asked. "You don't sound like yourself."

"Maybe you should get some rest." The other girls chorused.

"I'm fine," Luna scowled. "I just wanted to have a little fun. You're not the only ones who want to try a little character expansion, you know."

Satisfied that Guardian Luna wasn't going out of her little kitty mind, the five scouts carefully planned their next couple of days off. It wasn't often they got a vacation and they didn't want to go out of their minds with boredom before the Dark Kingdom decided to attack again.

* * *

"Jadeite! Neflite! Zoisite! Malachite!" Queen Beryl called her generals a few days later. She had been quite satisfied with their efforts up until that point.

Neflite had acquired the celebrity stand ups she had requested and he had footed the bill without complaint.

Jadeite, although he had complained about paying for her snacks the other night, had done a wonderful job cleaning her throne room. The floor was spotless and he was now in the process mending drapes which looked they had been hanging around for 1000 years.

Malachite and Zoisite had also managed to please her. In spite of their occasional spats, the two of them had collected enough objects in the Star Trek Scavenger Hunt to win their queen second place. Commander Riker wasn't a bad consolation prize in her books.

After the excitement of the day had worn off, however, Queen Beryl realized just how much she had been obsessing lately and decided that it was high time they paid a visit to the Sailor Scouts. She could probably pass off her recent lack of interest in the Scouts as a clever plan to catch them off guard. The generals would back her up even if they didn't quite believe her themselves. 'Power is a wonderful thing,' she mused.

Jadeite was the first to arrive. Not because he was more prompt than the other three, but mainly because he was still working on the same room when the queen summoned him. He continued sewing patches on the drapes while standing at attention and prayed that the ringing in his ears would die down before he had to respond to anyone. 'Queen Beryl must have the healthiest set of lungs in the Negaverse,' he thought to himself as his hearing slowly returned.

Neflite was the next to appear, brushing twinkie crumbs off of his uniform.

"You screeched, your majesty?" he asked attempting a low bow and popping a button off the front of his jacket in the process. The queen raised an eyebrow at her second general. Neflite laughed nervously.

"Must be that old drier of mine... it seems to be shrinking all my clothes lately.."

Queen Beryl gave him a flat look.

"I see..."

Greetings, your majesty." Zoisite and Malachite entered the throne room interupting whatever snide comment Queen Beryl had been planning. Neflite sighed in relief, glad the attention was focused somewhere else for while. Meanwhile Jadeite, still trying to recover his hearing, wondered why the other two generals had come in talking about weeding. Perhaps they were planning a garden... you never could tell with those two.

"Hello Jadeite... nice to see you're cleaning up this one horse town." Zoisite said while Malachite slapped a hand to his forehead and thought, 'Why me?'

Jadeite realized he was being addressed and, in an attempt to not look foolish, responded with an unintentionally loud comment about coarse ground coffee. Zoisite backed towards Malachite a couple of steps.

"Uh, sure... whatever you say Jed." Zoisite turned his attention to Queen Beryl who was waiting rather impatiently for her general to give it a rest. "What do you wish of me, my queen?"

"I have called you all here for a very important... Malachite!" The fourth general jumped and snapped to attention. "Stop messing with that cape! All that flapping distracts me!"

"Yes your majesty."

'What am I going to do with that guy?' Beryl grumbled inwardly. 'First it was the top fastener on his uniform, then the cape... what's next? He's already got more accessories than the other three put together...' She resumed speaking.

"As I was saying, I have called you all here for a very important reason. You may have noticed that we haven't been bothering the Sailor Scouts too much lately. There is a reason for this. Do any of you know what that reason is?"

"Summer?" Jadeite asked while the other three generals wondered just how much of an effect the eternal sleep had had on him. Jadeite, seeing the looks on their faces, decided to keep his mouth shut until his hearing had returned completely. Queen Beryl decided to ignore him until further notice.

"I want the scouts to become complacent, lazy. I want them to think that the Negaverse fell off the face of the universe so they'll be off guard when we do attack!"

"And when will we be attacking, my queen?" muttered Malachite under his breath, "After the Star Trek convention next week?"

"I heard that!" Beryl glared at him. "And if it's okay with you, Mr. Smarty Pants, we'll be attacking this afternoon... any objections?"

"No." Malachite mumbled, staring at his shoes.

"Now, Neflite.." Queen Beryl turned to her second general who stopped snickering abruptly. "Did you find the information I requested?"

"Yes, my queen." he said. "After all, the stars know everything." Zoisite rolled his eyes.

"So what have you discovered? Do you know the identities of the Sailor Scouts?"

"Well, that depends... which version do you want?"

"Version? What on earth are you babbling about Neflite?"

"Do you want their Japanese identities or their North American identities?"

"Well, I..."

"Or their French identities? Or their German identities? Or their Italian identities?" Neflite continued listing the possiblilites he has discovered on the internet.

"Alright! That's enough!" Queen Beryl cut in when he began discussing the Outer Senshi. She had enough on her hands without worrying about five more Sailor Scouts. "Where did you get all this stuff anyway?"

"Oh, on the internet," Neflite said, "You just put in a search for Sailor Moon and you're immediately linked to all the information you need. You wouldn't believe how many homepages there are..."

"Yes, yes... well, let's have the North American version then, we're all speaking English after all."

"Okay, here goes." Neflite handed her six laser colour prints and began to relay what he had discovered. The first is Sailor Moon, she's a fourteen year old, klutzy crybaby who in Japan, but you already knew that. Her real name is Serena..." He proceeded to describe the other four Sailor Scouts and their guardians Luna and Artemis while the others handed around the pictures.

"You know, your majesty." He went on. "I've discovered that we have a small following on the internet as well... I took the liberty of printing out these pictures..." The generals crowded around to see what their own fans had said about them.

"Where are the pictures of me?" Malachite whined. "Don't these people have any taste?"

"Yes, I imagine that they do." said Jadeite, who had finally regained enough of his hearing to join in.

"Well, I don't see very many of you either, Smart Mouth."

"Oh, shut up Surfer Boy."

"Hahahahahahaha! Looks like you've put on a few pounds since these were taken, eh Neflite?"

"At least they didn't make me into a woman, Zoisite."

"What??!? Let me see that!"

"Who are you calling Surfer Boy, Blondie?"

"Read it and weep, Zoisite!" Neflite laughed.

"That's *got* to be a typo!"

"That may times?"

"Hey, show a little respect! I survived the eternal sleep!"

"Only because Beryl let you out to run errands."

"Who asked you, Neflite?"

"Enough!" Beryl's thunderous command echoed throughout the entire chamber, cutting off the swiftly deteriorating conversations of her generals. They froze in their tracks. "One more word out of any of you and I'm cutting off your pay channel access." The silence was deafening.

"Now all of you get out of my sight! Go sharpen your weapons or something. We'll meet back here at 1:30pm sharp to attack the Sailor Scouts."

The four generals calmly left the throne room. They spoke not one word, their boots made no sound on the stone floor. The doors of the throne room swung shut behind them. Beryl could hear the dull roar of voices less than half a second later.

"Why do I keep them around?" she asked herself.

* * *

The five Sailor Scouts and their feline guardians had, meanwhile, decided to meet at Raye's temple for an afternoon of watching anime videos and junking out. They had just watched the first four episodes of Fushigi Yuugi and were sitting around with hearts in their eyes, comparing Tamahome to Tuxedo Mask, while the tape rewound. None of them were prepared when the first attack came.

"I know your identies, Sailor Brats! Your time has come." Jadeite shouted as he lashed out towards the scouts. Before they knew it, the scouts were being dive-bombed by about a dozen model airplanes. (What did you expect? They're not at the airport...)

"Scouts Transform! Meooowraa!" Luna shouted as she ducked behind a plant to avoid getting hit.

"Right, Luna" the four planetary scouts chanted in perfect unison. It never ceased to amaze Luna when they did that.

"Mercury Power!"

"Mars Power!"

"Jupiter Power!"

"Venus Power!"

"Scout Power!" They shouted as one. Serena, meanwhile, had hidden herself under a table and was in the process of trying to crawl away unseen when Luna latched onto her.

"Where do you think you're going Serena? You have a job to do."

"That's right Luna, I forgot to make my bed this morning and I'm just going to do it now, okay?" She laughed nervously.

"That's not what I mean and you know it. Now transform yourself!"

"Oh, alright Luna. Moon Prism Power!" Serena remained, remarkably, unscathed during the thirty second tranformation scene which ensued and, afterwards, stood before Jadeite as Sailor Moon.

"How dare you interrupt young girls while they're enjoying their favorite animes? In the name of the moon... I'll punish you!"

"How amusing you are, Sailor Moon." Jadeite laughed. "But even that won't save you now! Feel the power of the Dark Side... Oh sorry, that's Star Wars... Feel the power of the Negaverse." The model airplanes changed their courses until they all flew towards the quaking Sailor Moon.

"You wouldn't dare!" She shouted.

"Try me!" Serena screamed and ducked as the airplanes bombed through the space where her head had been. She should have known that a vacation was too good to be true.

* * *

In another part of the city, Darien was just sitting down in front of the television when his Spidey Sense began tingling. Fearing, from the authors choice of words, that he had been placed in the wrong story, Darien swiftly transformed into Tuxedo Mask. He heaved a sigh of relief when his regular superhero duds appeared. The last thing he needed was a skin tight body suit. Serena was becoming a bad influence on his eating habits. He failed to notice the spiderweb pattern which had appeared on the red lining of his cape.

"Hang on Serena!" he called out for the benefit of anyone who might be watching. "I, Cape B... I mean, Tuxedo Mask, am coming to save you just in the nick of time!" With that, the disguised Darien straightened his hat and cape, checked his rose supply and his breath (You never know when you might have to kiss a damsel in distress) and dashed out of his apartment. A moment later he returned and grabbed his cane which he had left on top of the coffee table. Seconds later he was stabbing impatiently at the elevator button down the hall.

"Come on, come on!" he growled, pushing the button again. It never failed. Sailor Moon needed his help and the elevator slowed to a crawl.

* * *

Meanwhile, the Sailor Scouts who had, up until that point, been dodging the model airplanes, were forming a plan. They shouted ideas back and forth to one another with little fear of Jadeite overhearing them. Between the buzzing of the engines and the decibals that Sailor Moon was putting out, there was no chance of that.

"Guys, I could use a little help here!" Serena yelled as another airplane narrowly missed one of the meatballs on her head.

"Alright, alright, just hold your horses." Mars shouted. "Don't be such a crybaby!"

"I told you, I'm not a crybaby! That's the way the writers made my character!" Serena went ballistic and, in the process, almost lost an arm to Jadeite's airplanes. 'I really have to stop letting Mars get to me,' she thought.

Jadeite was so wrapped up in the fun of bombing Sailor Moon that he didn't even notice Mars sneaking up behind him.

"I call upon the power of Mars! Fireballs Charge!" The curse landed squarely on Jadeite's back and immediately the planes swerved away from Sailor Moon and headed towards him.

"Oh no! Not again!" Jadeite ducked the oncoming airplanes and ran headlong into a wall. "I hate it when this happens..." he grumbled as he slumped to the floor, his consciousness quickly fading. The scouts cheered as Jadeite's airplanes drifted to the ground, lifeless, but their joy was short-lived, for it was not long before Neflite appeared.

"The Stars know everything..." he said, entering the somewhat-demolished room. "Too bad Jadeite didn't." He looked at the unconscious figure near the far wall and tsked loudly. He thought that the first general would have had enough sleep for the time being, without having to nap during a mission.

"What do you want, Neflite?" Sailor Moon stepped forward with her companions and the five of them struck dramatic poses for a few minutes. Neflite watched them, unimpressed.

"Oooooh, that's scarey." he said when they had finished. "Gee, how can I ever match that? Now, experience the power of..."

"Maxfield? Is that you?" A rather irritating Brooklyn accent cut Neflite off in mid-charge and mid-sentence.


"I thought that was you Maxfield. I just wanted to apologize for yelling at you the other night. I know it's not your fault that you had to break our date. That cranky boss of yours..."

"Shhh." he cut Molly off. "She might hear you."

"Well, anyway, I just wanted to say I'm sorry."

"Oh, that's okay Molly. I'm sorry too. You know I hate breaking promises to you..." Neflite trailed off as he noticed the Sailor Scouts standing off to one side, braced for battle.

"Do you mind? This is a private conversation." He drew Molly off to one side where they continued talking. The scouts looked at each other in confusion. They had, apparently, defeated Neflite, but they weren't quite sure how. However, they weren't ones to look a gift horse in the mouth, so they settled back down to watch their videos... after binding the still unconscious Jadeite, of course. Neflite and Molly continued to talk in low voices, off to one side. They were half-way into the credits of the next movie when Zoisite arrived.

"Hahahahahahahaaa! You're pathetic, Neflite!" he laughed uncontrollably. "Letting yourself be distracted by that human girl again. When are you going to learn? What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Your eyes are limpid pools of azure blue..." Neflite continued, completely ignoring Zoisite. The third general gave him a flat look and, once again, the infamous sweat drop appeared.

"Neflite, the queen grew an extra head and she's flying south of the border to have it removed."

"Fine, Zoisite. Tell him I said hi," he said not taking his eyes off of Molly.

"Okaaay fine." Zoisite turned to when the scouts were totally immersed in their movie. He scowled, angry that they had not noticed his dramatic entrance and angrier still that they continued to not notice him. "Oh well, at least it will be easier to destroy you like this. Fortunately I am not so easily distracted as... - Hey! Is that the new Ranma 1/2 Movie?" He dove down to get a closer look.

"Hey! Down in front!" Jupiter shouted as Zoisite popped up between her and the tv.

"Does this have that handsome devil Kuno in it?"

"I don't know." Mars said, irritated. "Get your elbow out of my side."


"Look," Serena cut in. "Watch if you want, but keep it down... I can't hear what's going on."

Zoisite quickly and quietly settled himself between Mars and Jupiter to watch the rest of the movie. He knew this was consorting with the enemy but anyone who liked Ranma couldn't be all bad...

* * *

Back in the elevator, Tuxedo Mask was very confused. His Spidey Sense was giving him mixed readings and he was now uncertain whether or not Sailor Moon was actually in danger. He could feel the presence of the Negaverse but it did not seem to be threatening the scouts directly.

"Maybe those guys are starting to mellow out after 1000 years or so." he mused to himself. He gazed at the elevator buttons. "Can't this thing go any faster??" <Crash> Predictably, the elevator shuddered and the lights flickered out as it came to a halt between the third and second floors.

"Oh dear."

* * *

"Zoisite! What the hell are you doing?"

"Shhhhhh!" Malachite received glares from all around as he barged into the temple.

"Zoisite..." he lowered his voice.

"I'm viewing a movie, dear. Shut up and let me watch."

"But Zoisite..."

"I said shut up!"

"Great!" Malachite muttered. "How are we supposed to serve Queen Beryl while you're busy going ga-ga over a stupid television... Wait a minute, isn't that one of the lifeguards on Baywatch at the altar over there?" He glanced out the window. "It is! And me without my camera! Enjoy your movie, Zoisite." Malachite made a dash for the door but fell a little short as one of the low tables in the room slammed into the back of his head. Totally dazed, he was unable to protest when Zoisite bound him in a cocoon-like manner with his own cape and sat him down next to the slowly recovering Jadeite.

"And you complain about the stuff *I* watch." he muttered, sitting back down in front of the tv.

Needless to say, Beryl was extremely displeased with her generals when she arrived on the scene. Neflite was quite involved in a favorable description of Molly's shining, red locks, Jadeite and Malachite were bound securely and grumbling to each other in a corner of the room and Zoisite was sprawled in front of the television with the Sailor Scouts, junking out on popcorn and potatoe chips. 'The whole Negaverse full of warriors and I had to promote those four,' she grumbled inwardly. 'Live and learn.' She was preparing to rid herself of her incompetent minions and the Sailor Brats for good when, all of the sudden, a high pitched beeping filled the air.


"Oh shhhhh yourselves." She growled while glancing at her watch. Her eyes bulged in disbelief.

"This cannot be! The attack was supposed to be over with by 3:30! It's ten to four! I'm going to miss today's episode of Star Trek! You haven't seen the last of me!" Beryl shouted as she dashed out the door, hoping that these parting words would strike fear into the hearts of her enemies.

"Yeah sure, whatever." Serena said before scarfing down another handful of popcorn.

* * *

Still in the elevator, Darien felt the danger to Sailor Moon peak, and pass, as quickly as it had begun. Although uncertain as to what had transpired, and displeased about the prospect of having to explain his lack of presence to Serena, Darien was glad that the scouts had been able to handle the Negaverse without him. He had hollered himself hoarse before remembering that there *was* a phone in the elevator for just such emergencies and by then it had been too late to make a dramatic entrance on the battle field.

"There's always next time," he sighed to himself, listening to the clanks of the mechanics as they repaired the elevator. "I knew I should have taken the window."

* * *

And so, a peaceful end came to a less than peaceful day for both the Scouts and the Negaverse. Zoisite got to see the rest of Ranma 1/2 and went home for supper, after promising to bring his copy of Dragon Half the next time he came to watch videos with the scouts. Malachite, who had managed to untangle himself earlier, had gone running after the Baywatch babe he had noticed outside. He had received an autograph and a phone number for his efforts and was promptly slapped silly by Zoisite upon his return home. Neflite and Molly finally went on their, much postponed, date; eating chocolate parfait until they were sick of the stuff. Jadeite remained tied up in Raye's temple until he was released by Chad, who had tripped over him while sneaking a midnight snack. After returning to the Negaverse, he was re-assigned to cleaning detail and quickly raised through the ranks to achieve the title of Chief Cook and Bottle Washer, a much coveted position on the janitorial staff. As for Queen Beryl, she made it to her throne room with five seconds to spare before Star Trek began and went to sleep that night, a happy woman.

The End


Well, hope you've enjoyed my first attempt at fanfic writing. If you have comments to make that cannot be contained to a mere "I liked it." then you can contact me at mabn@mailserv.mta.ca.

Please keep your comments within the bounds of good taste or I shall have to use "delete mail activation". Remember: Constructive criticism can be a good thing. Thank you kindly. =)

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Disclaimer: Sailormoon is the property of Takeuchi Naoko, Kodansha and Toei Animation. All characters, settings etc. are used without permission. This is an amateur fiction, and I definitely won't make any money of it.

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© by Marla Bain - Email: mabn@mailserv.mta.ca

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