BGC: Samurai Saint Soldier Sayyah

© by Karl "krimson tide" Rim

This page was last modified: 2001/01/15


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It is said that when Evil prevails in this World,
the Warriors of Hope will surely appear, that is the Saints.
It is said that their Fists will split the Skies,
their Kicks will break the Earth.
With a Glisttering Cloth wrapped around their Bodies,
the Youths Heated Battle is just beginning....
But this isn't it.


Fan Fiction Parody Presents

BUBBLEGUM CLOTH:
SAMURAI SAINT SOLDIER SAYYAH

(BGC: SS Soldier Sayyah)

[Wicked Saint Seiya Pegasus Fantasy plays out. The action scences that everyone just loves rolls out. The ten Bronze saints are running out and behind them is a humongous cloth Box opening.]

Voices:
Hey!
Look out!
IT'S FALLING!


[About half the bronze saints get crushed by the giant falling walls of the cloth box.]

Sayyah: Oh, well, now we know what happened to the rest of the Bronze Saints for half of the season.

[The rest of the opening credits go okay. We see the usual scenes where Sayyah basically kicks some butt and comes out smiling. The vocolist basically hums the rest of the song since it seem too cryptic for even him.]

Vocalist: La-la-la-laaaaaaa!

Director: Use the &^*&*%*% subtitles!!

Episode 34

[Flashback some years ago]

Man: I'm telling you, this is an offer I will not repeat. You know that the merger will make us the most powerful corporation in this hemisphere.

Old Man Kiddme: Enough. I have heard enough. I am not interested in your petty business deals. I already am one of the most richest men in the world. Your merger will only be an avenue for a hostile takeover over my companies.

Little Saori: Grandfather! Grandfather! Hurry! Hurry! Let's go!

Old Man Kiddme: HA HA HA. Coming my child.

Man: Is that your granddaughter? She's lovely.

Old Man Kiddme: Stop drooling! She's only eleven!

[Old man Kiddme goes into his limo with Saori and drives off]

Man: Saori, Saori Kiddme...

[Suddenly it turns to night and thunder starts up]

Love those special effects...

[Present]

Voice: Saori, Saori Kiddme...

Saori: Hmm, who what where when how?!

Tatsumi: It is only I, your faithful butler.

Saori: Sorry. I had the most strangest dream, I was in a press conference.

Tatsumi: You were, we just had a media meeting about the theft of the Sagittarius Gold cloth. I have come to tell you that those young men have come again.

Saori: Them again? Rats!

Tatsumi: If I must remind you, mistress, you must improve your etiquette. Some one of your social status must maintain a certain aristocratic arrogance.

Saori: Quite right, dear fellow.

Tatsumi: After all you barely even made it into the top ten for Miss R.A.A.

Saori: You just had to rub it in, didn't you.

Tatsumi: If you want suggestions, the latest reports say you should raise your skirt hem and put in a shower scene. The gentle beautiful look is no longer in, what sells is skin and oversized proportions. Being a violent tom-boy is also a plus.

Saori: Let's get back to those guys, where are they?

Tatsumi: Where else?

[In the kitchen, we see the guys raiding the ice box, drinking the beer and watching the entertainment system.]

Shear: This is the life!

Sayyah: You can say that again! Free food, drink and boarding!

Yoga: It sure beats the arctic. I mean those idiotic writers had me running around in the freezing cold wearing nothing but slacks and a shirt so I can show off my biceps.

Shunned: Can you all please be quiet, the movie's on.

[Everyone gives Shunned the evil eye]

Shunned: Uh, I mean... please?

Saori: [hands on hips] Sayyah.

Yoga: Okay, "Yeah". We'll keep quiet, Shunned? Happy Saori-san?

Saori: I was talking about all of you.

Sayyah: [walks up to her in a very sleezy fashion, crackling a disgusting laugh] Hahhahah! Saori-chan! Are you busy Saturday night? So what's your private number? [opens up a little black book]

Saori: What are you all doing here?

Shear: We are your Saints! We must protect you from all possible harm! <SLURP!> <MUNCH>

Saori: Well since you're all here, lets go to the conference room for business.

Shear: But the microwave isn't finished cooking my okonomiyaki!

Shunned: And the movie isn't over yet!

Icky: [speaking in a austrian accent] Let's go. I don't have all day.

Shunned: Big Brother!

Saori: Phoenix!

Shear: Icky!

Yoga: Don't you just love the way he just pops in unexpectedly.

Sayyah: So how about it, Saori-chan? Let's go out and have some tea.

[Later at the conference room, Saori is showing some videos]

Saori: This is the spy satellite videos on Sanctuary. We're planning to have an all out assault on it.

Shunned: Saori-san, if we have all this equipment, why don't we just shoot down our enemies with a satellite laser?

Yoga: Because that's too reasonable. If we did that there wouldn't be a show, the audience wants to see people getting their butts kicked.

Saori: And we also don't want to get them mad.

Everyone: ....

Shear: ARGHHG!! My eyes, I'm having a relapse! My eyes!

Shunned: Oh no! His blindess from the injuries he received from episode 30 must be recoccuring!

Sayyah: The episode where he was fighting the Perseus Saint and blinded himself rather than be turned into stone?

Icky: Dumb.

Shunned: I thought he just got an operation to fix that problem.

Saori: So much for the miracle of Modern Medicine.

Yoga: So he gets to take a vacation in China with his girlfriend and miss out on the suicide mission. How convienent.

Icky: Hear me now, but believe me later: this is a stupid idea. I'm leaving.

Sayyah: WHAT?! How dare you call one of Saori-san's ideas stupid!

Icky: Because it is stupid. Sorry, I'm not going to go on some suicide mission over some purple haired floozy. Do you want to end up as girly as Shear?

Sayyah: You take that back, coward!

Yoga: Oh no, Sayyah's thinking with his hormones instead of his head.

Icky: You... touched my jacket...

Shunned: Oh no! That's Big Brother's authentic Terminator leather jacket he ordered.

Sayyah: It was an accident... I didn't mean it!..

Icky:U Pay for your insufferance Sayyah! [Punches Sayyah]

Shunned: Big Brother! You didn't have to hit him.

Icky: If I really hit him, he would go through the ceiling instead of just bouncing into it.

Sorry: Icky, please stay, we need you. We need someone of your obviously manly skills and very finely toned body... [smile]

Icky: Sorry, Saori, but I'm not Sayyah. I have better things to do. And you could lose some thigh cheese.

Saori: Icky, how dare you disobey my orders! How dare you insult my legs?! If you walk out that door, don't bother coming back!

Icky: I'll be back. [Salutes goodbye]

Saori: Ikki!

Sayyah: Did any one get the licence plate of that bullet train?

[Later that night, Saori is alone in her courtyard thinking about the situation, in the meanwhile lots and lots of ravens are milling about]

Saori: Oh grandfather. It's too much. What am I going to do?

[Inside the other three Bronze Boys are discussing it themselves]

Shunned: I dunno, with only us, it really does seem like a suicide mission now.

Sayyah: I can't believe you guys! Saori-san needs us!

Yoga: Sayyah, I'm not sure if our medical plan is going to cover this. Heck, we're not even getting paid to do this.

Sayyah: We are the Holy warriors of Athena! It is our duty to protect the weak and innocent!

Shunned: Is Sayyah still hung up on Saori-san?

Sayyah: That scream, Saori-san is in trouble! [runs off]

Yoga: Yup.

[Sayyah runs out to see Saori being carried off by a bunch of crows.]

Sayyah: Saori-san!!!

Dark Minion: Pegasus stop! If you wish to pass you must first defeat..

[Sayyah runs him down and chases after Saori]

Sayyah: No time! I'm not interested in a subscription!

Shunned: Hey, Sayyah, wait up!

Yoga: Forget it, Shunned. We have to first defeat this band of Dark Minions that just conviently popped up. Besides, Sayyah's already gone. He only wants to look up Saori-san's dress anyway.

[At a mountain top the crows deposit Saori's unconscious form to the awaiting Crow saint.]

Corvus: So this little teenage girl is Sanctuary's most wanted enemy. The Pope sure has weird ideas. Then again, she's pretty cute...

[He leans over with a leer and about to...]

Sayyah: You touch even one hair on the young lady's head, you're dead.

[Silence falls as the threat sinks into Corvus's brains]

Sayyah: Huff! Puff! Wheeze! Cough! Did you have to pick such a high mountain that's so far away?! It took me forever to climb it! Give me a minute...

Corvus: So you must be that wimp, Sayyah, everyone is talking about. The one that killed Misty.

Sayyah: Another one?! What were you all in love with the guy?!

Corvus: Well not me, just not my taste. And don't worry, it wasn't the hair on her head I was going to touch..

Sayyah: Why you..!

Corvus: Hey, no need to get mad, we can both share her.

Sayyah: .... No no! I couldn't!

Corvus: Sucker!

[Suddenly Sayyah is enveloped in a feather prison which covers him completely. Corvus takes advantage of his situation and gets a lot of free hits in on him.]

Corvus: What a chump. Ehh?! Impossible!!

[Suddenly an energy buildup erupts from Sayyah as he tears himself free]

Sayyah: Now you did it, you got me mad.

Corvus: Well, um... We could waste time fighting but I commanded my crows to carry the girl away!

Sayyah: What?! Saori-san!! I've got to stop them! I know! Pegasus You-Say-Can! (Meteor Punch!)

[He unleashes his range attack and knocks some crows loose. And wouldn't you know it, the rest of the crows drop Saori as well. Unfortunately at this time she's already several hundred feet up in the air]

Sayyah: Bad idea.. Bad idea.. It's now or never!

[Sayyah leaps up and manages to catch her safely in his arms]

Sayyah: Okay, now I just have to slow us down.

[They both fall, Sayyah cushions their landing with his hand]

Sayyah: ARRHHH! My hand... it's broken! Okay, so that wasn't too smart either.

[Unfortunately Saori starts sliding off the ledge]

Sayyah: Not again...

[Sayyah reaches out and just barely grabs her wrist, but then he starts sliding off the ledge too. He reaches out to catch himself and grabs on to the ledge.. with his BROKEN hand]

Sayyah: Unnn, what else can go wrong?

[Corvus appears]

Sayyah: I've got to learn to stop saying that.

Corvus: Hey! What's this? It looks someone is about to fall down! Maybe I should help them up... NOT!

[He runs to kick off Sayyah, as Sayyah struggles to pull them both up]

Audience: Drop her! She's not worth it!

Sayyah: Hey Hey Hey! This is tough enough without comments from the peanut gallery!

[Sayyah barely pulls them both of themselves up and just barely dodges Corvus's kick. Corvus is now standing with only one leg on the very edge of the ledge]

Sayyah: Whoops, sorry!

[Kicks Corvus's standing leg, sending him toppling over, Corvus just barely manages to hold onto the ledge]

Sayyah: Nothing else can go wrong now.

Shanai: We meet again, Sayyah. [walks out of nowhere]

Sayyah: When am I going to learn to stop saying things like that?!

Shanai: You can't defeat both of us, especially with a broken hand and the girl to protect. [Corvus has just pulled himself up]

Corvus: You jerk! I could have gotten killed!

Sayyah: Hey, you were trying to do the same thing to me. Besides, I think anyone who says 'NOT' at the end of a sentence deserves to be badly hurt. [+]

Shanai: This is the end for you, Sayyah!

Sayyah: Hmm... Gotta be a way out of this. Hey! How about if I give you the girl, you let me go?

Saori: Sayyah... [she stirrs]

Sayyah: Go back to sleep, you're only having a bad dream... (Well, we could always rescue her later)

Saori: Well if you're in it, then it must be a nightmare. Sayyah, watch where you're putting your hands.

Shanai: How about you give us the girl, and we give you a quick painless death?

Sayyah: Ummm, Saori-san, wake up. You got any ideas to get out of this mess?

Saori: Yes. Let's leap down off the cliff together!

Sayyah: That's an idea?!

Saori: Trust me, Sayyah, I've got a plan. Oh come on, I think it'll be so romantic. [smiles]

Sayyah: Well...

Saori: Or we could get captured, be tortured and THEN we die.

Sayyah: Okay. Let's go!

[The two of them look into each others eyes. Sayyah holds Saori securely in his strong arms as they walk to the cliff's edge and step off.]

Saori: Besides, what could happen? It's only a dream. We'll wake up just before we hit the bottom.

Sayyah: ARRHHHHH!!!!!


Next time on BGC: SS Soldier Sayyah!

Are Saori and Sayyah truly dead?
[Scene where the two of them are lying on flowers]
Sayyah! Sayyah! Get up!

Will Yoga and Shunned be on time?
[Scene of the two of them at a fast-food restaurant]
Shunned: Are you sure we have time for this?
Yoga: Guaranteed service in 5 minutes or the meal is free.

Can Shear live up to his responsibilities as a Saint with his injuries?
[His girlfriend Shunrei is reading some letters, while he's drinking some booze and watching TV]
Shear: So how much do I get in my pension package?

Will Phoenix ever return?
[Scene of Phoenix gliding down a crevace]
Icky: Yah, I am Phoenix Icky. You will die NOW.


Next time, on BubbleGum Cloth:
Samurai Saint Soldier Sayyah!

Go to Part 2


Author's Note: It's comments time!

[+] I got this joke from Death, the High Cost of Living

For those of you who are wondering, Part 7 of Ranma: Dark Half is almost done. I just need to write a couple more scenes, do some editting and think of some commercials.

The reason I did this Saint Seiya parody, was as a break, (believe it or not, but I'm bored with my own Ranma storyline)

In any case please send me any comments about my work to KRIM@bloomberg.net. If there is interest, I can write some more on the subject. But if anyone watched the TV series, they already know what's going to happen. (SeaWasp! If you read this fanfic, I expect positive/negative comments especially from the local Saint Seiya Maniac!)


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