BGC: Samurai Saint Soldier Sayeah 2

© by Karl "krimson tide" Rim

This page was last modified: 2001/01/15

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Author's Note:

I just realized that unless you've actually watched some Saint Seiya you will have a hard time vizualizing some of the scenes. If you are already familar with the series then you can just skip to the dialogue. But if you're not, it's still funny to read (I hope).

The basic premise is that the five Bronze Saints are Holy Warriors of Athena whose current mortal incarnation is that of a young purple haired girl named Saori Kiddme. They wear magical armor called Cloths patterned after some constellation or Greek Legend. Their basic job is to protect the girl.

The current storyline involves that no one knows that Saori is the mortal incarnation of Athena just yet. Her mortal Regent, called the Pope, who is also in charge of her more experienced Silver Saints and elite Gold Saints, is possessed by an evil spirit who is out to kill her. And as fate would have it, Athena's other Saints consider Saori to be an imposter.

The Cast:

Pegasus Sayeah
Main Attack: Meteor Punch - 100 blows/second.

Dragon Shear
Has a shield, and an awesome power blow.

Andromeda Shunned
Wields Magical Chains.

Cygnus Yoga
Basic freezing/cold/wind type attack of varying degrees.

Phoenix Icky
Even more awesome power blow and very nasty illusion/mental powers. Speaks with an Austrian Accent.

Eagle Marin
Seiya's teacher. Secretly loyal to Saori.

Serpent-Holder Shaina
A rival teacher of Marin, also hates Sayeah's guts. Pretty awesome attack called Thunder-Claw.

BTW, this is all a parody


(BGC: SS Soldier Sayyah)

[Trumpet fanfare blares out] <Last time on:>

   -----        ___   ___      :      +--@--+   /_____     22222
    |==| ,--.  |===| |===|     |     @|Saint|@ / | 2
   -+--| |__|  | ___  _:_|  ---+---   +@-+-@+   ___|___\   22222
    ---+---    |  _    | |     |     ;---|---     / \  /   2
     --|--     | [_]  \| |     |    /  --|--     /   \     22222
   ----+----   |_||_  _/ |   __|__   ----+----  /     \

<Saori is kidnapped by crows (snicker snicker) and falls into the hands of the enemy Silver Saints Corvus (the Crow) and Shaina>

[Couple of shots of Corvus gloating and Shaina just acting very threatening]

<While Sayeah races to the rescue...>

[Seiya is at the base of the mountain and looks up, way up.]

Sayeah: Boy, that's one big sucker of a mountain. SIGH! Better get started...

<...Yoga and Shunned quickly follow.>

Yoga: Slow down Shunned, I think I've got stomach cramps...

Shunned: I told you not to eat that extra double cheeseburger, but oh no....

<Will they be in time?>

[Scene where Saori and Sayeah jump off the mountain]

Saori: What could happen? It's only a dream.


[Trumpet fanfare sounds out again]

Episode 35: Cry! Pegasus, You've Fallen and Can't Get Up!

[Opening scene, it's the wee hours near dawn. Shaina and Corvus are jumping down the mountain from ledge to ledge. Well, actually Shaina is the only one jumping down, Corvus is slowly inching down foot by foot.]

Corvus: Do we have to do this? They're dead, let's go home. WHOOPS! [He slips only to be saved by his crows]

Shaina: We have to find their bodies to be certain.

Corvus: This is taking so long!

Shaina: I can send you to the bottom really fast, if that's what you want.

Corvus: Ulp... On second thought, I just love the scenery.

[On a plateau some hundreds of feet down, Saori and Sayeah are both unconscious on a bed of flowers]

Saori: [stirring] Where am I? I had a nightmare about Sayyah... [Looks around] It wasn't a dream! Phew! What happened... [Spots Sayeah's unconscious form nearby] Sayyah!

[Insert cheezy music video where Saori takes 5 minutes to run over to Sayeah, her song: "Rhapsody in Purple" plays in the background..]

Saori:Sayeah... [Flashback to what happened]

Sayeah: A Saint must protect Athena! [looks down] This is going to hurt...

[He cushions their landing with his body]

[Back to the present]

Saori: [Leaning over to Sayeah's face] Sayyah... Thank you... [Leans back] Now how am I going to get out of here?

Voice: That's it?!

[Corvus and Shaina appear]

Corvus: The guy races across miles, climbs a mountain, gets the tar beaten out of him, breaks his hand, and then falls down a mountain, and all you can do is say: "Thank you"?! He doesn't even get a kiss?! Boy, am I glad I'm not working for you.

Saori: What? You expect me to kiss him or something? And it's not like he fell down the entire mountain. It's only about a 1000 feet drop.

Corvus: At least the Pope gives us 3 square meals, lets us beat up whoever we want, and destroy whatever we want.

Shaina: Just get on with it. I want to make sure Sayeah's dead.

Saori: Okay, go ahead.

Shaina: And then we'll take you back to Sanctuary.

Saori: Sayyah! Wake up! Wake up! The Silver Saints are here!

Corvus: Hey, wait a minute! I thought his name was Sayeah, not Sayyah.

Shaina: It was. The author decided to switch his name to Sayeah in the second part. He said the readers would never tell, most of them are only college students reading netnews instead of studying. Besides everyone knows Computer Programmers can't spelll.

Corvus: Well, he *is* the boss... Crows, attack!

[He commands his crows forward. As they approach, Saori suddenly lightens up. Her cosmos has been activated. The crows stop in front of her. They seem to communicate on some deeper level. Then at last the crows fly up again but then attack Corvus]

Shaina: That cosmos....

Corvus: Hey! What's going on?! You're supposed to obey me!

Crows: Craw! Craw!

Corvus: What?! You like her better?! Because she's prettier than me?! That's a stupid reason to listen to her! What? No, I haven't seen any Disney movies, you think I actually get paid to wear this monkey suit? OW!! Cut that out! Hey, Shaina, how about some help here?!

Shaina:I You know, I'm surprised *you* passed the Silver Saint Test.

Corvus: Okay, I admit it, I snook a peek at the answer sheet.

Shaina: I knew it... WOW! Is that a scarecrow coming this way?! [The crows all disperse and fly away] Works every time. Now for you Miss always-need-to-be-rescued...

[She runs to attack, suddenly a chain wraps around her hand, stopping her.]

Shunned: Sorry we took so long, we... uhhh...

Yoga: Lost our way, but the important thing is we're here!

Saori: It took you all night to find us? Don't they even teach you geography in school these days?

Shunned: We, uh.., didn't go to school...

Yoga: Well, SOMEBODY'S grandfather kind of KIDNAPPED us and made us go through YEARS of martial arts training since we were TODDLERS.

Saori: OH!, So you're saying it's all MY fault you're all illiterate... It's not like you can't go to night school instead of loafing around and renting anime videos!

Yoga: Who has the time? We're always on call because you're always being kidnapped! And at least I wasn't dumb enough to be kidnapped by a bunch of crows!! If you think I'm ever going to let you live that one down...

Shaina: Can we get back to business?! My hand is kind of getting numb.

Shunned: Oh! Sorry, ma'am. [releases her]

Yoga: [very quietly] Shunned, *why* did you do that?

Shunned: Well, umm..., she.., I.. uhh, I messed up, didn't I?

Shaina: Thunder-Claw! [A huge serpent image rises up around her as she bulldozes into Yoga and Shunned]

Corvus: Alright! Score One for the bad guys!

Shaina: You idiot! We're supposed to think we're the good guys. We don't find out until episode 70 that she's really ATHENA.

Corvus: Oh yeah, right!

Yoga: Now I'm mad!

Shaina: Oh no! The Goose is mad! Watch, he's going to freeze me! Oh, how terrible! Oh, I'm getting chilly!

Yoga: That's swan! Swan!! As in Cygnus the Swan!!

Shaina: Whatever.

Yoga: It's SWAN! SWAN! SWAN! SWAN....

[Get's clobbered by Shaina's Thunder Claw again]

Silver Saint Charioteer: Hey, is this a private party or can anyone join?

[Two more silver saints appear, Charioteer and some other guy whose constellation and name I forgot]

Corvus: Nah, the more the merrier. Nothing like a good overkill.

Silver Saint #2: Oh, is good to beat up on bronze brat, no?

Shunned: You know, it's never fair. We're always outnumbered. Everytime we beat one bad guy, two more just pop up...

Yoga: We're dead, what are we going to do?

Saori: Quiet, I've got a plan.

Yoga: They're not going to fall for the old "Fall-to-your-Death" trick again.

Saori: No, it's a better one. Shunned, start the initial attack, Yoga, you cover him.

Yoga: That's a plan?

Saori: Just do it!

Shunned: Well, I don't know...

Saori: You have to fight back, Shunned.

Shunned: I really don't want to hurt anybody...

Yoga: Shunned, they're going to kill you!

Shunned: But...

Saori: Shunned, they called your brother a wimp.

Shunned: NI..NI-SAN!! (BIG.. BIG BROTHER!!) [+]

[Shunned tears into the four silver saints. Amazingly he actually manages to knock Shaina off the plateau. But then the other three start to beat the crap out of him]

Yoga: Okay, when do I attack?

Saori: So tell me, Yoga, how is it really like up in the North?

Yoga: Uh, don't you think I should help Shunned?

Saori: Don't worry. It's part of my plan. So is it really so desolate up there?

Yoga: Not really, the towns are really starting to modernize...

Shunned: Guys! I could use some backup here! Guys...!

Corvus: Hahaha! Take that you little fool!

Silver Saint #2: No mere Bronzo Sainto can stand up to a Silver Sainto, cappiceo?

Charioteer: Yeah! Especially a whole slew of them! Wait, that Cosmos...

[Suddenly the temperature starts rising and an enormous energy wave starts to appear. From the distance a figure is slowly levitating down just radiating with power, Cosmos and Kick-butt Attitude!]

Icky: [with an Austrian accent] Yah, I am Phoenix Icky. I am back. You will die NOW. [His Cosmos flares up as the Phoenix aura bathes him in an inferno of light]

Saori: & Yoga: [clapping] Wow, great entrance!

Corvus: Who the %^&$@ are you?! [Icky gives him a VERY cold look] Well, um.. I meant it in a nice way...


[The power blow crushes Corvus's cloth (with him still in it) and sends the Crow Saint flying out of the crevice]

Icky: Who was the one that beat up my little brother?

Silver Saint #2: Umm, no hable Japanol, senor...

Charioteer: Umm, it was him! [points to Corvus's disappearing form]

Saori: If he keeps that velocity up, he'll fly straight out of Greece.

Icky: [Points at the ground, small explosions crack the surface forming a small fault line] If you think you're pumped up enough to match wits with Icky, then cross the line and we'll see how manly your girly little muscles really are.

[Turns his back on them to pick up Shunned]

Shunned: Big Brother, you really *did* come back to save me.

Charioteer: You attack first!

Silver Saint #2: No! You go first!

[The silver saints are arguing over who has to attack Icky first. Charioteer pushes SS#2, SS#2 pushes Charioteer and tempers rise. Finally SS#2 accidently trips and crosses the border]

Phoenix: You crossed my line, you were trying to attack my most pompitutious backside. You wimpy unmanly saint! All the power in your whole girly body cannot even measure to the amount of Cosmos bursting in one little muscle on my forehead.

Silver Saint #2: No! It was an accident....!


Silver Saint #2: ARGGGHH!!!

Charioteer: That scream was pure terror! What horrible nightmare did you give him?

Icky: I ripped out his brains.

Charioteer: What a disgusting illusion, you're heartless, Pheonix!

Icky: No, I MEAN I ripped out his brain. [Opens his hand and some grey matter oozes out]

Charioteer: Oh, I thought you... uhh umm... I think I'm going to be sick.

Icky: Stay still. Don't move. You're next.

Charioteer: PLEASE!!! Don't kill me! I didn't do anything! It was his idea to cross the line! Look, look! I'm still on my side of the line! Please, I've got five kids and two wives to support! It's not fair!!

Saori: Don't kill him, Icky. We can't go around killing my entire army. We'll need them when we go after Poseidon and Hades.

Yoga: You mean there's MORE after this?!

Saori: Do you swear loyalty to me, as the true ATHENA? And to serve me with all your strength and life against all my enemies? May it be God or man or even your fellow Silver Saints under the rule of the Pope?

Charioteer: Well.. [Flashback - POPE: Anyone who fails will be severely punished!]

Icky: Grr...

Charioteer: YES YES! I'll do anything!

Saori: Good. Now we better get everyone else to medical help.

Yoga: I hope Sayeah doesn't become an invalid.

Saori: Don't worry about him. This is nothing compared to what you guys have to face in the next episode.

Charioteer: Uh, can I go now? Please?!

Saori: I didn't say: "Saori says"

Charioteer: What?!

Icky: GRRR...

Charioteer: Ulp!

Saori: Saori says: Raise your arms. [Charioteer does it] Saori says: Hop on one leg. [Charioteer does it] Rub your tummy. [Charioteer does it] Ah-ah-ah, I didn't say "Saori says"

Charioteer: NO!!!

Icky: Time to get icky...


[The following scene has been censored due to it's extreme graphical nature. Normal broadcasting will now proceed]

Saori: Was that really necessary, Icky? [stern cross mother look]

Icky: [looks straight at her] Yes.

Yoga: But I thought he rededicated his loyalty to you.

Saori: I saw him crossing his fingers. Besides, he was also leering at my legs. I can't tolerate traitors, but I can't blame him for his good taste.

Icky: Cough! Cough!

Saori: Was there something you wanted to say?!

Icky: Yes, I'm leaving. [exits]

Saori: [calling after him] Just be back for our assault on Sanctuary!

Yoga: How are you so sure he'll return?

Saori: We have his brother. Here, you carry him and I'll help Sayeah.

Sayeah: sAoRi-CHaN...

Saori: On second thought, you carry Sayeah, I think Shunned is strong enough to walk by himself.

[As they leave, Saori falls behind. She stops and turns to look at the bodies of her dead Silver Saints.] Go on ahead. I'll meet you back at the mansion. I have some things to take care of.

[In a few moments she is alone with the rotting bodies of her Saints. She looks each in turn, just contemplating the utter loss.]

[she fishes out a radio from her dress] Tatsumi?

Saori: This is Saori, yes, send me my private helicopter. Yes, I know I'm a far way from home, that's why I'm asking for the transportation.... What?! Tatsumi, you're signal is breaking up, I can't read you...

[Suddenly Harp music interceeds]

Saori: Oh no! Where's that awful elevator music coming from?

Ghost Saint Lyre: Greetings, my Lady.

Saori: You! But you're...

Lyre: ...Dead? Not anymore, my Lady. But I haven't come to chat, one of your dear old friends wishes to speak with you. Here's even a welcoming present. [brings out a golden apple]

Saori: No, not Eris! Kyaaaa!

Next time on BGC: SS Soldier Sayyah!

Saori is captured by the evil Goddess Eris and her Ghost Saints
[Saori is decked out in some gorgeous greek toga while being chained to a stand in some ancient Greek temple, the prisoner of Eris, The evil goddess of Discord]
Eris: Remember this Athena? The Golden Apple, you wanted it so badly. But it was for: "The Fairest." Since she isn't here, you can have it.. [Tosses the Golden Apple up to her. It attaches to her heart.]
Saori: No!! Kyaaa!!
Eris: By nightfall the Apple will have drained all your lifeforce! And if you really think your sorry bunch of Saints can stop me, my own Ghost-5 will kick their little hinies. Shield, Lyre, Arrow, Crux, Orion! Eliminate those Bronze Saints!
Ghost-5: Yes, my Lady!
Eris: Silver Saints haven't changed a bit. They just love beating the crap out of "think-they're-so-great" Bronze Saints.

Meanwhile each of the Bronze Boys have their own dilemmas..

[in China]
Shunrei: Shear! Master Roshi just told me, Miss Saori has been kidnapped..... again!
Shear: Yeah, so? I'm retired now, remember?
Roshi: Saori hasn't signed your final pension checks yet.
Shear:I'm on my way!

[In Greece]
Sayeah: Saori-chan....
Shunned: Sayeah, please, the doctor said if you don't get some rest you're just going to reopen your injuries...
Sayeah: Saori-chan....ULP!
Shunned: Well, at least the carpet's already red.

While Yoga struggles with personal convictions

[At Kiddme Mansion]
Yoga: On one hand I should be a devout Catholic, on the other hand, Saori claims to be a pagan goddess. Hmmm....
Tatsumi: Mister Yoga, the Pope is here to see you. He wants to discuss your self proclomation as a saint.
Yoga: Did you say the Pope? The Pope of Sanctuary?! Diamond Dusto!
Tatsumi: No wait! Wait! It's the Roman-Catholic Pope!!!
Yoga: Whoops, maybe this is a good time to go away on a mission until this thing blows over...

Join us in the next episode as the Bronze Boys race against time to save Athena, on
BubbleGum Cloth: Samurai Saint Soldier Sayeah!

Go to Part 3

Author's Note:

[+] This joke was made by some one on netnews a Loooong time ago. Sorry, but I forgot the guy's name.

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