The Awesome Tales of Sir Sigfried and his Asgardian Ice Sculptures! Sigfried: Excellent!

Millerna, May 2nd 2001

This page was last modified: 2001/05/08


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A warning to the wise:

This is a terrible, horrible, awful, downright badly written account of Sigfried's mythological deeds...big and important (all deeds seem to be big and important, ne?) as they were. Anyway, this was written for my dear e-mail friend, Aurea, who made me want to...er... torture Siggie...and bad. And for Torque who gave me good info and inspiration with her site!

Hagen *poses for Torquemada in a bad costume from Lord of the Dance*: Look, Torque-mama! Ohhh, am in it too?

Millerna *smiles evilly*: Why, Mr. Hagen-Daaz, I do believe so.


Chapter I: Sigfried: The brain wonder legend (what was the wonder...well...err...ever watch the Wizard of Oz?)

Lets begin this story by stating that Sigfried was a simple lad...Just how simple you wonder, well, take this little example...

Sigfried *stands before large double doors, pushing with all his might*: It...won't...budge! *huff, puff* I NEED STRENGTH *push* AHHHH. ODIN, LEND ME YOUR STRENGTH *push, shove* ARGH!

A very, VERY simple lad....

Anonymous: READ THE SIGN ON THE DOOR, YOU MORON!

SIGN: PULL

Sigfried *blink*

Anonymous: PULL!

Sigfried *pulls the door open*: Ooooh...dude...excellent!

A very, very SIMPLE lad...see what I mean?

Next, let's state that Siggie-boy lived with a nasty, dirty, rotten, good for nothing...

Alberich: HEY!

...dwarf named Alberich *smiles*

Alberich: I am not THAT SHORT! DAMMIT! (Ah...but the boy is cute...)

Alberich is seen sprawled on a small, dingy, DIRTY, no scratch that, FILTHY loveseat, he promptly burps and throws a beer can over his shoulder.

Alberich *reads paragraph above and pales noticeably*: No! I refuse! *sobs*

One day, our dear friend Alberich, the little bastard, constructed a really cool, bad ass-sword called balrung! And realizing he didn't have much to use it with, he was really short after all. --

Alberich: WHAT THE HELL!! I am NOT that short! *Alberich decides to get a hair cut out of the blue*

Alberich *terrified, poor boy*: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Damn it! You can't do this to me!

*Alberich thus decides to follow the overrated and very lame script*

Alberich *scowls*: Bitc- ARGH...nevermind!

- , he gave it to Siggie and promptly declared:

Alberich: GET UP AND DO SOMETHING! *shoves sword at Siggie*

Sigfried *glossy eyes*: Do something? *twitch of the eyebrow...smile*

And Alberich fully knowing what a disaster it was to leave norse heroes unsupervised while "doing something" amended to say:

Alberich: Er, bring dinner!

For you see, keeping big, beautiful warrior men, albeit much fun *wink, wink*, is very costly indeed.

Alberich *looking pitifully at an empty wallet*: Damn, don't I know it...

Sad to say, Asgard was having a lizard problem at that time, oh boy, a BIG lizard problem...big enough for, say everyone's favorite fifth wheel, psychotic, maniac depressive twin bro! No, not Bud...

Bud *insulted, the poor boy*: I am NOT maniac depressive...*eyebrows twitch, sees pink bunny* a...bunny? Oh...come here Mr. Hoppity-Hop, *follows pitiful bunny* Look, see I have a carrot...the bunny is scared *coos* I won't hurt you...*CRACK* ...Opps.

Syd: Damn, not again.

Er...no, not Bud - the other one...

Kanon *smiles evilly*: ME! BWAHAHA *hot, evil guy pose*

Duh, Kanon the little bugger...I mean, BIG Dragon bugger! Anyway, being that Sigfried IS the hero and Kanon is a water snake intent on ruling the world, it is pretty obvious, the author is sad to note, Sigfried must kill Kanon...*sniffles*

Rhadhamanthys: Yeah, like it's THAT easy...

No, it isn't, for SD seems to take it personally when people attempt to murder him and destroy his ghastly plans...any relations to Bill Gates are NOT hypothetical!

Kanon: Damn Bastards, they killed Kenny!

Sigfried: DIE, DIE, DIE! *die was Siggie's spelling bee word,. His mama was so proud!*

Kanon *twitch of the eyebrow*: You have met my brother?

For this sequence sakura petals swarm the place, the background music suddenly changes to My Heart Will Go On...(DAMN) and a figure is seen running towards them in slow motion...RUN, RUN WHILE YOU CAN!

Kanon *sweatdrops*: This is sick, the author is sick.

Saga *finally catches up, stops for a moment and hacks for breath*

Kanon: Er...want a hanckie?

Sigfried *stares at offered hanckie*: You embroider?

Kanon *ugly glare*

Saga *all misty eyed*: Kanon-chan!!!

Kanon *confused*: Saga? Aren't you dead? DAMN IT, SEIYA!

Saga *smiles beautifully*: Little bro! Come here and give your Big brother a hug and a kiss-

Hentai fangirls squeal

****CENSORED DUE TO SMALL CHILDREN AND LEGALLY SANE ADULTS READING****

Sigfried: Damn, and I thought chasing after a sacred virgin priestess was a show of weak flesh...

Kanon *blinks*: Don't judge him, he's demented!

Sigfried: And WHAT are you?!!! Now, where were we? Oh, yes, DIE!

Kanon *blink, blink*: STOP! Whatever for?

Sigfried *stares blankly*

Kanon: Well, it's only proper to arrange poetic words to form a sordid plan of sorts to take over the world, you know. *smiles magnificently*

Saga *nods emphatically*: I forget how beautiful we are...

Sigfried: Duh! Shut up, I'm a NORSE hero, great butt no brains!

Kanon *smiles shrewdly*: Indeed, may I see your butt, please? It needs a foot.

Sigfried: I don't like you and as you just might have some magical artifacts in your possession...but I repeat myself, DIE!

Kanon *boing*: Artifact? *turns to big bro* Here, hide this!

Sigfried *hops*: THAT WAS A DAGGER!!! OHHH, I WANT IT! I WANT IT!

Saga *glossy eyes*: Oh, dagger, humm, I wonder what can I do with THIS...*drools*

Kanon *frowns*: Well, you can't have it, I still have good use to put it to...namely a certain silicone monument.

Saori *arms on her waist*: Hey! That's it, no more late night visits to my room!

Kanon *surprised*: Why...thank you...I may not have to kill you after all...

Sigfried: Hm...who's the girl with the D-cups? *after all, what good straight guy wouldn't want big breasts*

Thor (the god) *dressed as a woman yet again*: I know I do!

Freya (the big-breasted blonde goddess): If I said it once then I said it twice -- give me back my wig!

Saga *inspired and only just crazy*: WAIT, NOW I GET IT! ARES! NOW, WHERE THE HELL IS THAT LITTLE CHICK, ATHENA?! *chases after squealing Athena*: BWAHAHAAHA*

Kanon *blinks in disbelief*: Damn, it! I thought you were taking your pills!

Sigfried *stares*: Can we...or you...continue with..., damn, what was it again?

Kanon *otherwise preoccupied with the vanishing forms of Athena and Saga*: Humm...Die?

Sigfried *smiles*: Exactly.

* * *

Part II - "Hi, nice to meet you. My name's Siggie" -- When Pleasantries can kill you. Darn Emily Post!


Kanon *looks bored*: Oh, for pete's sake, I have more important things to do...like cut my toenails or wash my hair, or get a manicure or ....*emphasis* write to my mother *big giant grin*.

Sigfried *perplexed*: You have a mother? Possibly a *eyes glimmer* DRAGON mother?

Kanon *disgusted*: No, I was left for hatched, but if I had a mother, I'd write to her. (explanation: Kanon is the 2001 poster boy for mother's day Hallmark cards)

Sigfried *terrified*: HALLMARK CARDS? WHY? THEY'RE ...*gulps* CUTE!!!

Kanon *shrugs*: The way I figure I'm too hot and sexy to be ever considered cute-

*Defenders of Kanon Club cheer*

Sigfried *blinks, blinks*: What was that?

Kanon *horrified*: Background music, don't think about it.

Sigfried: What happened to My Heart Will Go On?

*My Heart Will Go On plays faintly in the background*

Sigfried *eyes huge*: NO! I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I TAKE IT BACK! NOOOO!

Kanon *roles his eyes*: I supposed even THIS author couldn't come up with worse...

*Background music suddenly changes to "Opps I did it again" -- Britney Spears*

Sigfried *terrified*: No, SATAN!

Kanon *sweatdrops*: Ah, indeed. Can we get on with this, I want to get home before Saga goes through my underwear drawer.

Sigfried *eyebrow quirks*: Why would he do that???

Kanon: The underwear have a tendency to say threatening things to him when no one's home.

Sigfried:...hahaha...

Kanon *mad*: Well, they do! He's terrified, I don't think this is funny at all!

Sigfried: That was nervous laughter...like smiling to relieve tension...or shooting pigeons in the park.

Kanon *blink*

Sigfried: Damn birds, carry disease all over the place...

Kanon: So...is there something I can call you?

Sigfried: Repeat the question?

Kanon: You know, something people call you, possibly to get your attention...

Sigfried *blush*: Aw...well...it depends...*blush*!

Kanon *stares*: I meant something suitable for your tombstone...

Sigfried *stops blushing as his Sakura petals and Hilda-sama in a bikini daydream is cut short*: Why...you miserable amphibian you...

Kanon *sigh*: Alright, pansy-boy, time to die!!! HAHAHAHA

Sigfried: What did you call me?!

Kanon: Humm? Pikachuu?

Sigfried: SATAN!

Kanon *stares*: Well, that's not very original...but kinda catchy...ok

Sigfried *mad as a peach*: I am not Satan...

Kanon *smiles*: Obviously, peaches, ever meet Athena?

Sigfried *blushes furiously*: Don't call me peaches!

Kanon *shrugs*: Don't get so worked up, I always play with my mice.

Jerry *squeaks*: Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Sigfried: Damn mousse....

Kanon: Indeed, so Petunia...

Sigfried: The name is Sigfried, also known as Hotman63 on AOLIM!

Kanon: What's the 63 for? Number of times you've been acquitted to the mental ward?

Sigfried: No...that's your brother.

Kanon: HEY!

Sigfried *shrugs*: Number of women who think I make a killer Leonardo DiCaprio.

Kanon: I don't see it...

Sigfried *frowns*: Well, I do...

Kanon *sighs*: You do realize that by this time readers are getting bored, the writer is bored, the story is bored, I'm bored, you're boring...somebody MUST die!

Sigfried *happy as a peach*: Blood and gore, blood and gore, blood and gore!

Kanon *disturbed*: That or a sex scene...

Sigfried: There are no women around...

Kanon: I HATE the author!

Sigfried: I don't find you pretty at all...

Kanon: Excuse me?

Sigfried: I refuse to go yaoi...I'm a non-yaoist

Kanon: Dear God, when you go off the deep end...

Sigfried *terrified*: I don't care, you can't have your way with me, you big bully!

Kanon *disgusted*: I HATE the author! And I don't think you're all that pretty either for the record!

Sigfried *squeals*: If you lay one hand on me, my Hilda-sama will show you!!!

Kanon *blinks, blinks*: This is surreal...

AHAHAHAHA, I'm sure that GOT your attention, ne? Well, not to worry, err, no yaoi...or is there? *evil smile*

Sigfried: Oh...my...suddenly....I feel sane again. On with the story!

Kanon *looks at his watch*: ooh, too late, X-files will be on shortly.

Sigfried: The X-Files?

Kanon: Yes, I heard Scully and Mulder finally get it on...graphically.

Sigfried: Really?

Kanon: No, I realized I can't stand you.

Sigfried: Well, jerk!

Kanon: I'm going to curse you now...Siggie-chan...BWAHAHAHA

THE END!!!! For NOW!!!


Millerna: BWHAHAHAHA, famous last words...

Sigfried: What do you mean The End? I haven't kicked his sorry excuse for a life out of him, yet!

Millerna: Sure you did!

Sigfried *confused*: I think I would remember that...was I good?...Are you sure?

Millerna *smirks*:Yes, you did, and you were damn good at it too, Sig-boy! *waves victory flag*

Sigfried *blinks*: Really?

Millerna *nods*: Of course...

In the next instalment: Things that make Siggie scream in the night: Alberich! Now and improved with way cool gadgets...and a not so cool curse!

Siggie *looking at the above mentioned gadgets*: Bunny ears? Tiger-print handcuffs? And what's this pokey thing??

Millerna *hastily*: No...heheh...your OTHER gadgets...

Kanon *smiles*: Good save...oh, and...thanks...now I can get my letter to my Mummy sent!

Millerna: Don't thank me, pay me!

NEXT CHAPTER: Ohh, so pretty and soft and squishy: Sigfried gets a girlfriend.

The curse! And other way cool important matters! Yes, it's a snore!

Things to do after reading this: Go to sleep, chances are that you already are...zzzzzz! Go read War and Peace! Go to your local XXX novelty store! Watch Sailormoon! Drink milk! It does a body good! Feed the cat!

Sigfried *looking at a not so fresh pet*: Opps, I knew I forgot something...

List (cont) Spread Paganism all over the place! Adopt a little league team! Volunteer at your local Youth Center! Bake some brownies! Join the Saga's Defenders Club! Read Millerna's other Fanfiction! Write to Millerna and try not to threaten her life! Make your own Silly Putty! Write a Haiku! Read the damn Haiku to your class! Help Saga find his way back home! Take Sigfried to the local pet shop for his next victim- er pet! Buy a catapult! Or build one!

Kanon *big pretty smile*: And write to your mother, Mother's Day is almost here, you scoundrel!

Saga: Ohh...the underwear is revolted...*wash, wash*


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