How Thor Lost and Found His Axe

© 2001 by Torquemada

This page was last modified: 2001/05/15


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Disclaimer: this is rather not a "Saint Seiya" parody, but a Norse tale's "How Thor lost and found his hammer" Saint-Seiya flavoured re-telling. ;-)


One beautiful winter, day Thor was coming from...well, it doesn't really matter where he came from. The journey was long, the landscape boring, the weather cold, and the flask that Thor never left anywhere without, was gurgling invitingly, so Thor's steps steadily got slower, his path more winding and every snowdrift looked more and more like a soft pillow, while the flask got emptier and emptier.

Finally, when it became totally empty, Thor got very upset -- so upset that he decided to stop and thoroughly think how to survive in such a sad situation. Currently, even standing was quite a tiring task for Thor, and thus he decided it would be better to sit down. Therefore he fell nose down into the snowdrift, where he immediately fell asleep like a baby (a baby 3 meters high, but a baby nevertheless).

Very accidentally, it happened that there was Cygnus Hyoga passing by, who was returning from his mama's grave. The journey was equally long, and the landscape likewise boring, but since Hyoga had no flask, he felt tired and vexed. Thus when he approached the snoring Thor, his mind developed a nasty plan.

Hyoga decided to steal one of Thor's axes.

Initially he planned just to borrow it, since he knew the axes could fly, and Hyoga wanted to have a cheap and fast ride home. But then another idea occurred to him. Hastily, he scribed a short note, put it into Thor's pocket, mounted the axe and commanded it to go.

For magic beings, such as witches, it is easy to fly on stick-shaped objects, but every unmagic creature, including Hyoga, had to obey the laws of gravity. And the laws of gravity altogether with the center-weight principle clearly said, that the only way for Hyoga to ride an axe was in upside-down position. Since the axe had an annoying habit to spin on flying, all that caused Hyoga to return in quite pitiful condition, which included a greeny-purplish shade of skin -- and like that was not enough, Ikki scorched him on arrival (he thought there was an attack of evil goblins, he explained later, while rubbing the ointment into Hyoga's burned body parts).

Meanwhile, Thor woke up. Like always, at first he wished he was dead, then he wished the sun to drop dead, and then he managed to sit up and have a look around.

Something was wrong.

After half an hour of strained thinking, Thor thought about counting his axes -- and then he realized one was missing.

Thor couldn't believe this at first, so he counted them again. Nothing changed.

There could be no arithmetical mistake -- Thor was firmly sure that he could count to 2, and on some especially lucky days even to 3. So the axe happened to be missing for real.

Thor rumbled through his pockets, hoping that he -- just maybe -- forgot the axe there, and unexpectedly he found some scrap of paper. He recognized the handwriting.

Well, Thor was pretty sure that it was a handwriting, not mouse dung, but there was only one person in Asgard who could confirm it -- Alberich, the smartest and most intelligent man among the God Warriors. This title was given to him unanimously, because only he knew how to read and write (there also was Bud who knew to write, but he wrote only obscenities on Syd's back, so that probably should not count).

"No doubt, this is a handwriting," Alberich said, examining the paper, given to him by the panting Thor after his hasty run home.

"What does it say?" Siegfried asked, curiously. Getting something handwritten was a rare accident in Asgard.

The note said:

   "Good morning,

   Attention: If you want to see your axe again, give Freya
   in marriage to the mighty, beautiful, smart and powerful
   Cygnus Saint Hyoga.  This is not a joke.

   The kidnapper (Hyoga).

   P.S.: Call the police, and you will never see your axe
   again alive!"
   

"So what shall we do now?" Siegfried asked, while the other Warriors soothed the sobbing Thor.

"I think it's obvious," Alberich said. "Let's go to Freya and tell her to pack her things."

Freya listened to the story. Then turned red. Then turned into the fuming SD form with sharp vampire fangs and said:

"&&%#@@*&, with )(*&*^$%, you &&%#$( of triple &*^$()*&!!!"

Then added: "For *&)(*^%$%, I'd better &^%$)*^$# with &%$##&!"

And finished: "*&^%@$#$%!!!", shoving her mid-finger under Siegfried's nose (Thor's nose was too high).

"Duh....can you repeat this, Freya?" Siegfried ventured, squinting at the finger. "For I did not quite understand -- was that 'yes' or 'no'?"

...

"I think this was rather no," Siegfried concluded, rubbing his pinched nose, when the God Warriors fled to a safe distance.

"Yeah," Syd added grimly, taking Freya's shoe off his ear. "Frankly, I do not see why she made such a fuss. I mean, the lad is a bargain for her -- quiet, good-looking, no mother, that means no mother-in-law for her. And here, where everyone knows her temper, only an absolute moron would ever marry her!"

"You are talking about my fiancée, you know," Hagen prompted.

"Whatever, she said 'No'," Siegfried waggled his hand in the air. "Anyone has some plan B?"

Everyone stared at Alberich. Thinking was his responsibility in Asgard Kingdom.

"I'd say, Thor is the one most concerned about his axe," Alberich began. "So it must be him who will take the major part in the realization of any plan. So, Thor, what if you'd pretend to be Freya? We'll bring you there, and get your axe. Of course you will have to cross-dress, or else they would suspect something..."

"What?!" Thor bellowed, jumping up and gripping his remaining axe. "You want me to dress like a woman? Moreover, you want me marry some foreign bugger?! Well, that won't do! To wear a dress, pah! I'd look horrible -- dresses do not fit me, I've got no figure for them!"

"Since the day I saw you dancing with the wolves on my birthday party," Fenrir said, wearily, "I am more than sure you cannot look more horrible, so let this not bother you."

"Exactly," Alberich said. "Besides, who says you must be married forever? It's more than easy to divorce nowadays. Unless you want half of his wealth, then you'll have to live with him about three years or so..."

"Enough!" Thor cut in, sulkily. "I've got your point. Alright, I'll let you make a scarecrow of me, but just because I want my axey back, got it?"

* * *

Thus the Sanctuary, Bronze Quarters, received the telegram:

  "We are arriving.  Bring the food."
  

On day X, Hyoga, elated and nervous, and his best men Seiya, Shiryu, Shun and Ikki lined up to meet the bride with a delegation.

"Oh..." Hyoga said, surprised, looking high up, when the delegation finally arrived. "She grew up a bit since I saw her last time..."

"That's natural," cooed Alberich, who was assigned to be a matchmaker. "Our women tend to grow big and healthy."

"And her hair -- it looks like straw!"

"Long journey," shrugged Alberich. "We were hurrying so much, that we had no time at all to wash our hair."

"Um, maybe...but the beard?!"

"Look," Alberich said, irritatedly. "Are you going to marry her or play some silly trivia with me?"

The tactic "Attack is the best defense" proved its efficiency, and a confused Hyoga finally welcomed his guests into the house.

The atmosphere of the wedding party was initially quite tense, since the former foes could not forgive each other the various offenses of the past -- so one of Fenrir's wolves went and peed on Shiryu's leg; Mime used his harp to shoot chewed bones at Ikki, to much annoyance of both Ikki and the wolves; Ikki was bravely dodging the bones, simultaneously aiming his horror psychic attacks at Mime, casting hideous images in his brain: Mime in a dentist's chair, Mime playing with the Teletubbies, Mime filling heaps of forms in some nameless bureaucracy lair; Bud, meanwhile, tied Syd's bootlaces to Shun's chains under the table, because he hated both. But, with the fast reduction of various strong beverages which were both prepared by the Bronzies and brought by the Asgardians, the feeling of love, peace and rock'n'roll was entering the hall more and more bravely.

Soon, Mime and Ikki were tightly embracing each other and howling "We don't need no water, let the <swearword> burn -- BURN, <the same swearword>, BURN!"

Shiryu was sticking the pickles on Fenrir's armgear claws and eating them off, sensually; Shun, who at first just clapped, excitedly, tried to do the same with Syd's fingers, but cut his tongue and started to cry on Hagen's shoulder.

The occasional conversations were at loose, too.

"I gotta say, thatz n'good when chicks start to rule'round. Their place is in kitchen, not goddlying around. Right me say, Seiya?"

"Rrrrrright! Your Hilda, my Athena...they're mean witches, dat's what they are!"

"Bloodsuckers, greedy bloodsuckers!"

"Indeed...hic! If I had a penny for every pint of blood I lost..."

"Yeah, Shiryu, we know. You'd be richer than Bill Gates."

"What gates? Where?"

"My horse is cooler than yours! It got wings!"

"No, my horse is cooler! It got eight legs!"

"So does Ikki! Look, he's got two heads, too! Har har har!"

"Tiger? Wot tiger? Ah, my tiger! They were ezzz...ehzz...extinct, that's the word."

"Poor kitties...sniff, they all probably died of pneumonia...sob, sob...or angina. With such big teeth, they of course were not able to close their mouths, and gotta...sob, sniff...deadly cold..."

"Hagen, your sleeve-horse tried to bite my tiara's head off!"

"The duck started first, I saw it! It tweaked the horse!"

"Forget the horse. What if I give you 40 coppers for the blue eye and, say, 10 for the ruby eye? That's my last price."

"I said it is not for sale, Alberich! And stop trying to dig the gems out, you'll break the knife!"

Accordingly, after each sip Hyoga's bride went prettier for him, until the particular quantity was reached after which Hyoga, who was shyly glancing towards his bride all the time, finally dared to climb on the table, lean to the bride's face and...

"POW!"

"That was a really, really bad idea," Alberich said, fixing the upturned chair and scrubbing Hyoga, who held on his cheek and gasped, off the opposite wall. "Kissing a maiden in public, who could think? Ring first, kisses later, that's our custom. Can't you wait for the night? Ouch!!! Tho...I mean, Freya, that hurts! Heh heh, what a hot and strong girl!"

"No wonder," mumbled Hyoga, checking his teeth with his tongue. "If I ate that much, sure I'd be strong, too. A whole wedding cake! And that's after two oxen!"

"Be happy! Your kids will be strong and healt...ouch, Freya...you are overdoing with this, really..."

And finally there came the moment, when everyone started looking at the freshly married couple meaningfully, and saucy jokes started to spread around the table. Hyoga's eyes now were two pink glossy hearts, while Thor's -- two glossy white skulls with bones crossed across, and Alberich understood something had to be done.

"Ahem," he cleared his throat, loudly, and stood up. "We fulfilled our part of te agreement, that is, we brought you the bride. Now, let's proceed and let us have our axe back."

"Axe, axe...what axe?" Hyoga muttered. "Ah, that axe! Sure you can have it. We don't need it. Seiya, go and bring the axe, will you?"

Seiya staggered out of the hall and soon returned, puffing and dragging the axe, heavily.

As soon as Thor saw his precious axe, the skulls changed into the pink hearts, and with the heartily yell he leaped across the table, snatched the axe and hugged it.

"Oh my darling, here you are! I missed you so much! I feared I would never see you again!" and Thor, eyes teary, kissed the axe several times.

The Bronzies stared blankly at the performance.

"I'd say she acts funny," Seiya said.

"She?" Thor snarled at him, glaring fiercely. "I'll show you 'she', you pygmy! I'll show you all, now! Nobody messes with Thor!"

"Thor!" yelled Alberich, who was currently hanging on the axe and was tossed around, as Thor flayed his axe. "No bloodshed, remember? You promised!"

But Thor was already gone berserk and seemed quite happy about that.

"Siegfried!" screamed Alberich. "Do the voice!"

Luckily, Siegfried understood on his own that his intervention was necessary (he was the leader, after all), so he stood up and thundered:

"Retreat!!!"

The well-drilled God Warriors were trained to react to such commands (loud and one-worded ones), so they obeyed immediately, some rushing away through the door, some jumping out of the windows, and Thor went together with the door and bits of the wall.

After a minute or so, somebody knocked politely at the splinter of the door, and Syd poked his head in, smiling bashfully.

"Sorry," he said. "I believe this is yours."

He flung something inside. The something appeared to be Shun, who looked sleepy and confused.

"Sorry again," Syd smiled and shrugged, amiably. "There was a little accident. So I'll be going, alright?" And he disappeared.

The Bronze Five dumbly looked around the half-destroyed and very filthy room. Everything had happened with a speed too high for them to catch up.

"Why did she run away?" Hyoga said eventually with tear-filled voice. "Have I said or done something wrong? If it's about the kiss, I apologized, didn't I?"

"Never mind," Seiya patted him on the shoulder. "She must be a real loon to run away from such a cool dude like you. Look at the bright side -- you'll save on food, and we can throw another bachelor party. Only..." he frowned, thoughtfully. "...all that seems strange for me. Something really was weird..."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, why didn't Thor show up? Is he still mad at me? That's bad, because I like the chap, he's of the right sort, I feel we could find a lot things in common..."

"What's the use to think about it now?" Shiryu said. "Lets go forget this day, lads. I reckon there are still some means left that will assist us in forgetting." He looked around, searching for the possibly left bottles.

That was a clever thought, and nobody objected.

...Somewhere in Asgard, Thor was sleeping, peacefully; his axes, pink ribbons tied to each of them, rested on the pillow next to him.

Love and peace ruled the night.

The End


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