S.D. Kanon Superstar

A script for a Mock Opera v. 1.0

Copyright: Andrew Lloyd Webber and Masami Kurumada (just please don't tell them)

Copyleft (2000): Torquemada and Co.

(Co. includes: Pollux, Stayka, Toffee, Shaka (chat one, not the animated!) and others, which equals Co minus aforementioned 4:
-- all them people conversations with and fanfics of them inspired me to write this horrible mockery -- I think, you'll recognize some parts. Or thoughts. Or images. Or ideas. ;-)

This page was last modified: 2000/10/09

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0. Overture

The action takes place in some parallel, or maybe parasite universe (Terry Pratchett says it can be both). It looks quite like an original one -- Athena walks in nighties, Saga's as mad as hatter, and it was Kanon who saved Athena from 'trident accident'. As Poseidon must live in his jar again from now, Kanon had managed to fix the roof of Atlantis (not without Mu's little help), and to retrieve the Marinas from Hades (by crashing NT on Hell servers and causing big damage to fresh corpses database*). Now, as Poseidon has been pickled, Kanon is kind of chief of the Marinas and quite popular -- as it happens to people in God's favors. Yet Kanon is well informed about the inconsistency of woman's favors, and got some plans of his own.

Moreover, some rumors start to spread: they said Kanon will play a very important role in defeating Hades (probably someone stupid enough peeked at Great Manga of Fate). People usually don't consider Hell as a good place to settle down, so Kanon is becoming a real fame.**

*You may ask what common unsaint people thought when their dearly dead relatives started turning up as zombies. Well, some things are better left unknown.

**People seldom think in moments as such what to do with all dead people on Earth, whether Hades had been swept away. Those who are reasonable enough to think on such subj., are usually enough reasonable for keeping silence, too.

* * *

1. Let the Saga begin...

The camera leads us through the Popery, right to very heart of it, i.e. the Spa. Saga sits on the edge of his Spa, feet down the water. Looks lost and pitiful.

My mind is clearer now (Nasty Narrator: Not for a long. Ha ha.)
At last
All too well
I can see
How it all
Has to be
If you rip away
The patch
From your eyes
You will see
I'm much better
Than he...

You've started to believe
You rule the Undersea
You really do believe
That you are match for me?
And all the things you've done
Are out of my control
You've begun to matter more
Than my rightful role

Listen Kanon
I don't like what you do
All I want is to be higher than you
And remember, I've been legitimate Pope all along
You have set them all on fire
They worship you like a pop star
And I'll hurt you coz I think it's wrong

I remember when this whole thing began
No need for you, then I was a Big Man
And believe me, all my ambitions haven't died at all
With my defeat I won't agree
And never let you outrun me
Just you try and I'll make you fall!

Power, victory -
Never suited you but me
I'm a mighty supertwin
You can never win
Supreme being -- that's what I am
And ain't givin' you a damn
You had caused me such harm
My mind's alarm

Listen Kanon, it's your fault I got crazed
Don't you try to take over my place!
I am Number One!
Have you forgotten I was always praised?
I am pissed by your fame
For being second's bloody shame
And I'll crush you if you go too far
If you go too far

Listen Kanon to the warning I say
Please remember you cannot disobey
But it's sad to see my chances weakening with ev'ry hour
All your followers are fools!
They cant' see who's really cool,
You are beautiful, but I am better!
Yes I am, wah I am!
Ah -- ha ha hah- bwaaa-ah-ah-aahaaaah!
Yes Kanon, much much better...
Come on and listen to me.
Ah --- bwaaaaah,
Wheeee...yaaa....he won't listen to me...no, no, bugger bugger bugger

(and other senseless things used to sing in verses, when they're fading to the end and the performer won't expect it's being recorded)

* * *

2. Where's a Booze?

Some other place. Looks joyful, playful, peaceful, bright and sunny -- exactly like any decoration representing, well, joy, play, peace, brightness and sun.

Camera pictures a bunch of happy dizzy Marinas, who all sing joyfully, playfully (etc.) except Siren Sorrento who plays "Whiskey In The Jar" on his flute.

Where's a booze?
Gimme, we need a-lotsa-booze!

Kanon (irritated):
Why are you asking me?
Do I look like an innkeeper?
Was it me who drank all beer?
What I wish is team of winners,
What I get is bunch of queers.
I could give you bit of training
I could give you plans and forecasts
But it's all like pearls for pigs.

When are we going to kick some @ss?

Why don't you ask yourselves?
Can you do a proper fighting?
Have some facts you can't deny:
Saying you can win a battle
It's like saying pigs can fly.

No, you are wrong! You are very wrong!
How can you say that, how can you say that?

Suddenly, Saga appears. Marinas act as they don't care. But soon it got clear that to ignore Saga is an impossible task.

It seems to me a strange thing mystifying
That men like you
Can waste their time
With Kanon like your prime?
Yes, I can understand that he amuses
But to let him rule you
Pass commands?
It's hardly understood.
It's not that I object to entertainment -
But it doesn't fit in line of properly set things.
It's only one way out of situation:
I must take his place.
I'll grant you this grace.

At this, a whole bucketful of sweatdrops appears over the Marinas' heads, and Kanon slowly turns red.

Kanon (infuriated):
Who are you to despise us?
Who are you to criticize us?
Leave us us leave us you silly creature,
Leave us leave us, we don't need you!
I'm fed with your complaints
You kill my life's joy
You got your own Saints
Go them annoy!

Saga looks hurt and very offended -- such a generous offer was rejected -- and backs away, but not too far.

I'm amazed that my own twin
Can be so stupid, daft and vain
It's the time to sign him in
Hospital. To check his brain.

Marinas (nodding):
Yes you right! You well damn right!
Find him a doctor!

* * *

3. Then We Are Decided

Some huge ugly building in Hades, looks like a typical Courthouse.

Two strange figures in black and white color are having some kind of meeting. We recognize Minos and Aeacus, two of 3 Underworld highest rank Lawyers. Minos still has a "Versace" label on his sapuri's wing.

We've been sitting on the fence for far too long

Why let him upset us?
Aeacus -- let him be
All those imbeciles will see
He really doesn't matter.

Kanon is important.
We've let him go his way before
And while he starts a major war
We theorize and chatter?

He's just another scripture-thumping hack
from Undersea...

The difference is they call him Star - the
difference frightens me!
What about our Hades?
When he sees her Kingdom drowned?
Do you think he'll stand around
Cheering and applauding?
What about the Sainthood?
If they see we've lost our nerve?
Don't you think that they deserve
Something more rewarding?

They've got what they want - they think so.
If he's what they want why take their toy away?
He's a craze...

Put yourself in my place!
I can hardly step aside
Cannot let my hands be tied
I am law and order!

What about our Specters?
Don't you see that we could fall?
If we are to last at all
We cannot be divided.

Then say so to the council
But don't rely on subtlety,
Frighten them or they won't see.

Then we are decided?

Then we are decided.

* * *

4. Everything's Alright

The same joyful, playful etc. decoration, but now dawny rather than sunny. Seems like the Marinas are going to have a night in open air. All seem happy and in good mood, just some muffled curses reaches us from the place where Crysaor Krishna and Sea Horse Baian are setting tents.* And Saga still hangs around.

* Nasty Narrator: The moral: if you have no luck in cards, never agree to play a game where a loser has to perform some task.

Scylla Io:
Try not to get worried
Try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you
(oh) Don't you know
Everything's all right
Yes everything's fine
And we want you to sleep well tonight
Let the world turn without you tonight
If we try
We'll get by
So forget all about us tonight

Everything's all right
Yes everything's all right yes

Scylla Io:
Sleep and I shall soothe you
Calm you and anoint you
Myrrh for your hot forehead
(oh) Then you'll feel
Everything's all right
Yes everything's fine
And it's cool and the ointment's sweet
For the fire in your head and feet
Close your eyes
Close your eyes
And relax
Think of nothing tonight

Everything's all right
Yes everything's all right yes

Saga (poutily):
Scylla your fine ointment
Brand new and expensive
Should have been saved for my pool
Why has it been wasted
On this unworthy
Unthankful and senseless fool?
I am who deserves it
I am more worthy
I matter more
Than Kanon's feet and hair

Scylla Io (throws strange yet not uncompassionate glance at Saga):
Try not to get worried
Try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you
(oh) Don't you know
And we want you to sleep well tonight
Let the world turn without you tonight
If we try
We'll get by
So forget all about us tonight

Everything's all right
Yes everything's all right yes

Kanon (wearily):
Saga, you're my brother
But I started wanting
To kick you into your butt
There are you always
Whining and complaining
Look at the good things you got!
Don't hesitate and leave me
Don't stop
While you still see me
And get lost
For you'll be sorry!
Now begone!

Saga looks like a kicked puppy. All in fury tears, he runs away. We already can forecast he's begun to mature some evil plan. Now, only revenge can satisfy him, after such an insult.

Scylla Io (as if nothing happened):
Sleep and I shall soothe you
Calm you and anoint you
Myrrh for your hot forehead
(oh) then you'll feel
Everything's all right
Yes everything's fine
And it's cool and the ointment's sweet
For the fire in your head and feet
Close your eyes
Close your eyes
And relax
Think of nothing tonight

Close your eyes
Close your eyes

* * *

5. Windoze Must Die!

The same Court-looking building, next morning. A group of Specters in b/w color scheme are present; so are the Gold Saints, except for Saga, who's having his usual day fight with his brother. The Bronzies and Athena are absent by unidentified reason, though nobody misses much. Hypnos and Thanatos are missing, but they're gods thus, no one expects anything from them. Another missing person is Wyvern Rhadamanthys, but he's not famed as early riser in Hell, so nobody is surprised, too.

Good Aeacus
The council waits for you
Athena's Saints and Specters
Here for you...

Ah gentlemen, you know why we are here
With not much time, and quite a problem here.
(Crowd outside)
Oh Kanon Superstar!

Listen to that howling mob
Of blockheads in the street
A trick or two with trident
And the whole town's on its feet.

He is dangerous! He is dangerous!

Crowd outside:
Oh Kanon Superstar!
Tell us that you are who they say you are

Saints & Specters:
He is dangerous, dangerous
That man is in town right now
To whip up some support
A rabble rousing mission
That I think we must abort
He is dangerous!

Crowd outside:
Oh Kanon Superstar!

Saints & Specters:
He is dangerous!
Look Aeacus --
They are right outside our yard!
Quick Aeacus --
Let's go and hit him hard!

No wait, we need a more permanent solution to our problem.

What then to do about Kanon the Seaweed King?
Miracle wonderman, hero of fools

Saints and Specters:
The man's got not weapons, no fighting, no slogans

One thing I'll say for him, Kanon is cool

We dare leave him to his own devices
His half-witted fans will get out of control.

But how can we stop him, his glamour increases
By leap every minute, he's top of the pole.

I see bad things arising
The crowd claims him Savior
Which Hades would ban*
I see flood and destruction
Our elimination because of one man
Flood and destruction
Because of one man

Saints and Specters:
Because, because, because of one man!

* Nasty Narrator: Hades has used to treat his job with full seriousity and devotion. The people's attitude to death and his job really were hurting him. Indeed, he just does his job, and yet not one 'thank you' was ever addressed to him. That's very unfair.

What can we do about this Kanonmania?
Now, how do we deal with the seabottom slug?
We have to search all the cases and precedents
We're lawyers and lawyer can't act like a thug*.

* Nasty Narrator: Thousands...no, rather millions of people could prove this wrong.

Fools! You have no perception
The stakes we are gambling
Are frighteningly high
We will use our profession
Because there's nothing
That money can't buy
Lets join our power
And he won't get by.

Saints and Specters:
Bye bye, bye bye,
Dear Kanon, good bye.....

* * *

6. What Ho!

Ho Kanon Hey Kanon Kanon Kanon Ho
Kanon Hey Kanon Ho Kanon
Hey S D, S D won't you smile at me?
Kanon Ho Kanon Hey Superstar

Tell the rabble to be quiet
We anticipate a riot
This common crowd
Is much too loud
Tell the mob who sing your song
That they are fools and they are wrong
They are a curse
They should disperse

Ho Kanon Hey Kanon Kanon Kanon Ho
Kanon Hey Kanon Ho Kanon
Hey S D, S D you alright by me
Kanon Ho Kanon Hey Superstar

Kanon (making a "I'm pure innocence and charity" face at the Council):
Why waste your breath moaning at the crowd?
Nothing can be done to stop the shouting
If ev'ry tongue was still the noise would still continue
Because Sorrento's here; and here he goes!

Sorrento starts happily playing his "Dead End Symphony" in Do Minor)

Council flees away in terror, and those who fainted are carried, too. Council is not a bunch of bloodthirsty buggers, as it might seem.

Sorrento sighs, puts away his flute, says sadly "Again.." and goes to the other Marinas, who already retreated to safe place..

* * *

7. Aria of the Tree

Saga saw the incident from a safe place. Slowly, he unplugs his ears and starts:

Neither you, Kanon, nor your six Marinas
Nor Athena, nor her Saints,
Nor Hades, nor Specters,
Nor Sailor Scouts, nor Pikachu
Nor Masami Kurumada itself
Understands what power is
Understand that glory is
Understands at all...
If you knew all what I knew
My doomed unthankful twin
You'd see the truth
But you close your eyes
But you close your eyes...
While you live
My troubles are many
My doomed unthankful twin.
To calm my soul,
You only have to die
You only have to die....

* * *

8. A Dream That Shouldn't Be

Meanwhile in another place. A bed. Someone's curled in it, under heap of blankets, and nothing could be seen.

Suddenly, the alarm clock starts to produce really horrible, unbearable, hellish noise. A hand shots out from under blankets, grabs the thing and throws into the wall with very habitual movement. Then a messy head emerges from the pile. Congrats, we just have met Rhadamanthys, the 3rd bigwig in Hell's law system.

Rhadamanthys (sits all wrapped in blankets, strange look in his eyes)
I dreamed
I met some kind of stranger
A most amazing man
He had that look
You very rarely find
The tainted taunting kind

I asked him
To say what had happened
How it all began
I ask again
He never said a word
I felt both lost and hurt...

And next the thing I did
Was reaching for his hand
He seemed surprised a bit
Yet leant to me and then
Our gazes locked again

There I saw thousands of reasons
Why I ought to stay
And then I knew: from now on he's my fate...
And bloody clock hits eight!


In a place not far away. God of Dreams Hypnos sits and stares blankly at computer's monitor, where he (and we) can see a beautiful blue screen and neat message: "Error in Dream Delivery System. To prevent data loss, dream delivery randomizer turned on.". Then he slowly says "Shit. I just hope nothing went wrong" * and presses "Restart".

* Nasty Narrator: As we just saw -- it did.

* * *

8. The Temples

The action takes place in Sanctuary's upper side. Pope's house, to be more exactly, that now is occupied by a colorful gang of different Saints and not-so-Saints. Some of them sit in the Spa, some not. All sing cheerfully in tune, except Siren Sorrento who plays "We all are now in the Pope show" on his flute.

Roll on up Sanctuary
Come on in Sanctuary
Sunday here we go again
Live in me Sanctuary
Here you live Sanctuary
Here you breathe Sanctuary
While your temples still survive
You at least are still alive

I got things you won't believe
Name your pleasure I will sell
I can fix your wildest needs
I got heaven I got hell

Roll on up - for my price is down
Come on in - for the best in town
Take your pick of the finest wine
Hyoga: (holding a duck underarm; duck struggles, quacks madly and tries to tweak anyone in the radius of its reach):
Lay your bets on this bird of mine

Now there starts the company who relaxes in the Spa. Without their Clothes, naturally, and even without underwear.

What you see is what you get
No one's been disappointed yet
Don't be scared give me a try
There is nothing you can't buy

Name your price I got everything
Come and buy it's all going fast
Borrow cash on the finest terms
Hurry now while stocks still last

Roll on up Sanctuary
Come on in Sanctuary
Sunday here we go again
Live in me Sanctuary
Here you live Sanctuary
Here you breathe Sanctuary
While your temples still survives
You at least are still alive

And there it goes again from the beginning. Saga arrives at the center of all this, sees his Spa desecrated and falls into deep hysteria.

Saga (screams in falsetto):
My temple should be a house of prayer!!!
But you have made it a den of freaks!!!!
Get out!

The company flees in panic. Even Saori, who was there incognito. But they don't forget to grab on their clothes and Saga's towels, though.

Get oooooooooooooooooooout!!!!

This is dedicated to Seiya personally who stayed a while and now grins in very, very saucy manner. Seiya shrugs and leaves together with his grin. That proves he's no Cheshire cat.

Saga stands alone in the middle of his place which looks like it just had been visited by a tornado.

Saga (sings sadly and brokenhearted):
My mind is almost through
Soon I'll go cuckoo
After all I've tried for three years, not to lose it
Not to lose it....

Milo hears it, and his heart owerflows with various mixed feelings. He turns back and gets noticed by Saga.

Milo (in very touching and sensual manner):
See my eyes I can hardly see
See me stand I can hardly walk
I believe you can make me whole
See my tongue I can hardly talk
See my hair it's a total mess
See my legs I can hardly stand
I believe you can make me well
See my purse I'm a poor, poor man

Will you touch, will you mend me Luv?
Won't you touch, will you heal me Luv?
Will you kiss, you can cure me Luv
Won't you kiss, won't you <censored word, use your imagination, whatever nastiness degree it has> me Luv?

Songs gets repeated from "See my eyes" but faster, the hint of pressing appears, Milo's slowly approaching...

Saga (backing):
Oh, there's too many of you - don't push me
Oh, there's too little of me - don't crowd me
Leave me aloooo....

On these words he trips on some steps (there steps everywhere in Sanctuary. Therefore you should watch what are you stepping onto) and splashes loudly into his Spa. Milo joyfully jumps after him.


Camera starts showing flowers, leaves, bees (don't ask me how them buggers managed to get into Pope's inner rooms -- it was not me who invented "General Principles of Romantic Scenes Picturing With No Explicities Shown in Movies", OK?), Butterflies and Papillon Myu who looks at something behind camera with light interest at first, then with mild amusement, then starts passing remarks as "My oh my, I always thought it is anatomically impossible!", and finally runs away with wild eyes ). So do his butterflies. Bees stay, in case anyone needs a sting after bathing.

Splashes and other suspicious sounds. Then:

Milo (almost purrs):
Try not to get worried
Try not to turn on to
Problems that upset you
(oh) Don't you know
Everything's alright
Yes everything's fine
Saga (sounds relaxed):
And I think I should sleep well tonight
Let the world turn without me tonight
If we try
We'll get by
So forget all about us tonight

* * *

9. Dream Delivery Randomizer, Part 2

And poor Rhadamanthys is still under CRCerroneus influence of his dream...

Wyvern Rhadamanthys:
I don't know how to love him
What to do, how to find him
I've been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days
When I've seen myself
I seem like someone else

I don't know how to take this
I don't see why he moves me
He's a man
He's just a man
And I've had so many
Men before
In very many ways
He's just one more*

Should I find him out
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?

Don't you think it's rather funny
I should be in this position?
I'm the one
Who's always been
So calm so cool
No lover's fool
Running every show
He scares me so

I never thought I'd come to this
What's it all about?

If he said he loved me
I'd be lost
I'd be frightened
I couldn't cope
Just couldn't cope
I'd turn my head
I'd back away
I wouldn't want to know
He scares me so
I want him so
I love him so

* Nasty Narrator: Naughty readers who started to picture some definite suppositions can very well to wash their imagination with soap. Rhadamanthys is a Hell judge, remember? And of course he has seen and judged a lot of dead people, men including, and have dealt with them in, er, very many ways.

* * *

10. Expenses Are Good!

Another place, looks exactly like a decoration very comfy for plotters to meet. There we see Minos and Aeacus again. Minos looks at his "Rolex" each 10 sec. It's obvious they're waiting for someone.

Suddenly, Saga runs in, slips on floor, plops on his bottom and starts:

Now if I help you
It matters that you see
This sordid kind of things are
Coming hard to me
It's taken me some time
To work out what to do
I weighed the whole thing up
Before I came to you
I had no thought at all
About my own reward
I really didn't come here
Of my own accord
Just don't say I'm
Damned for all time!*

* Nasty Narrator: Lil' ole Saga, he always cared so much about his public image.

I came because I had to
Because I'm the one who saw
Kanon can't control it
Like he did before
And furthermore I know
That Kanon thinks so, too
Kanon wouldn't mind
That I was here with you
I have no thought at all
About my own reward
I really didn't come here
Of my own accord
Just don't say I'm
Damned for all time!

Minos, you're a friend
A worldly man and wise
Aeacus, my friend
I know you sympathize

Why are we the leaders?
Why are we the ones?
Who see the sad solution
Know what must be done?
I have no thought at all
Of my own reward*
I really didn't come here
Of my own accord
Just don't say I'm
Damned for all time!

* NN: Yeah, Saga, we do believe you. Especially after you repeated this for third time.

Minos (who just now finds a little gap to squeeze in this patter monologue):
Cut the protesting
Forget the excuses
We want information
Get up off the floor

We have some papers
We need you to sign them
You know his movements
We know the law

Your help in this matter
Won't go unrewarded

We'll pay you in silver
Cash on the nail
We just need to know
Where the Lawyers can find him
With no crowd around him
Then we can't fail

Saga (tries to act dignity):
I don't want your blood money!!

Aeacus (with much relief puts wallet back to his pocket):
Oh, that doesn't matter
Our expenses are good*

Nasty Narrator: Guess on who, eh?

Saga (now with clear stress on 'need'):
I don't need your blood money

Minos (he's more perceptive on hints, so takes wallet back):
But you might as well take it
We think that you should

Aeacus (mentally waves good buy to his money):
Think of the things
You can do with that money:
Any vulgarity, or just
Throw to the pool
We've noted your motives
We've noted your feelings
This isn't blood money
It's a fee nothing more

On Thursday night
I'll bring him where you want him
Far from the crowds
In the temple of Gemini

Chorus (how did they get here?! Ah, but as if matters...):
Well done Saga
Good old bugger...

End of CD1

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