Saint Seiya: Saints In Tights

The folk tales of the parasite universe

© 2001 by Torquemada

This page was last modified: 2001/07/28


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Prologue

Once upon a time, in the parasite universe called Neverland somewhere in a dump of universes, there lived King Aiolia the Lionhead. His Majesty had a very bad temper and liked to fight very much. So once he went for the next crusade against the heathen yaoists (he got pissed by numerous doujinshis where he was depicted as some queer), and his younger brother Prince Poseijohn took the reigning upon himself. He lowered the tax rate, stopped oppressing common folk, ended the numerous civil wars among the local lords, implemented the market economy, and otherwise was making the better life for his people. Tortured by such outrageously unroyal behavior, the people started to demonstrate their disobedience, mainly by creating jokes about the Prince and his people, but their laziness from a good satiated life was too big to make them rioting openly.

In interesting times like those, people need a hero to appear.

And he did appear.

...Whether the people of that parasite universe wanted exactly this hero, was another question.

* * *

Adventure 1, where Seiya gets a mission.

The Screwwood Forest. Trees are murmuring (mainly various obscenities), poisonous ivies are coiling, snakes are creeping, mosquitoes are blood sucking -- in three words: your ordinary forest.

Seiya from the neighbourhood, shortly Seiya Hood, strides through the forest, absentmindedly squishing an occassional mosquito, and talks, loudly.

Seiya: Five years! Five bloody years spent in barracks, squirming in the dirt, sucking grit, hearing the dumb sergeant yelling at you -- and for what, I ask you? I answer: for nothing! Five years spent in the bloody Saint training campus just to come back and hear 'uh oh, we are so sorry, all the regular army went for good with the King, and we cannot afford more troops, the military policy have changed, sorry, make love not war' -- crap! Bullshit! Five my best years, which I could have spent in many great ways -- in the attacks on apple gardens, tying cans to cat tails, pulling girls on their hair -- all wasted in vain! Something is wrong with this world!

Mysterious Voice: It is.

Seiya: Did nobody tell you it's impolite to stick in the conversation, when uninvited?

Mysterious Voice(very confused): But I thought you were talking to me?

Seiya: Not a chance!

Mysterious Voice: Then to whom?

Seiya(shrugs): To myself. Sometimes it is a relief to talk with someone intelligent, who also does not argue with you in every sentence.

Mysterious Voice: Ah, I see. Sorry for disturbing you, then.

Seiya(curiously): No offense taken. But, if you showed up anyway, I could talk to you as well, since you did agree to my words.

Mysterious Voice(clears the throat): Alright. Then let me introduce myself, first: I am Aiolos the Archer, the mysterious spirit of this forest!

Seiya: Nice to meet you, my name is Seiya.

Mysterious Voice: Could you please not interrupt me? I am going to say something so important and complicated, that I fear to forget my words. So...what was I about? Ah. Listen carefully, Seiya: this Screwwood forest, altogether with the whole Neverland is begging for a protector, and you, Seiya, are going to be the one!

Seiya: Why me?

Mysterious Voice(surprised): Wasn't that you who just complained about being unemployed?

Seiya: Ah, I see. So you are a kind of hiring agent? Alright, then let's talk about wages.

Mysterious Voice(passionately): Fame and glory!

Seiya: Charity?! I'm a warrior, not a rich brat who can allow himself to work as a volunteer! Forget it!

Mysterious Voice(irritatedly): Alright, let's put it differently: I'll supply you with the tools and spiritual support when needed, and you'll get the share depending on the quantity of the job done, plus all the bonus over the plan. Agree?

Seiya(doubtfully): Variable income....fishy.

Mysterious Voice(maliciously): Do you have another choice? You are unemployed!

Seiya: Now I hear the rational spirit talking. What tools?

Mysterious Voice: Golden armour, in the quantity of 1, a golden bow, in the quantity of 1, and a golden arrow, the quantity of 1, are included in the price.

Seiya: Just one arrow?

Mysterious Voice: It's magical. Returns to you when job's done; just don't forget to duck in time.

Seiya: And what kind of job?

Mysterious Voice: The distribution of goods.

Seiya: Huh?

Mysterious Voice: Rob some people and give the loot to other people.

Seiya: Sounds interesting. Okay, I can give it a try.

Mysterious Voice: Good! Then here are the initial instructions: establish your headquarters in Screwwood forest and start hiring your staff.

Seiya: What staff?

Mysterious Voice: Well, since you are the CEO of our enterprise, you should be bossing around, while the others will work, and for that you must have some subordinates to nag.

Seiya: Me the boss? Yo! I like it.

Mysterious Voice: Don't forget to report to me quarterly and annually. The forms will be sent later.

Seiya: Oh, so first I need to find the deputy and the secretary, then.

Mysterious Voice: Good luck.

Seiya: Hey, where are my tools?

Mysterious Voice: Impatient, are we? I told you -- when needed! Now, off you go and start working.

Seiya(miserably): I feel I just made a big mistake. Ah well...no use to whine now. Let's start and see who's the man!

Goes away

Mysterious Voice(to himself): I also have the foreboding of a terrible mistake. Why of all the loons in the world had it to be him who found me totally desperate to get rid of that armour together with responsibilities?

Trails off, still complaining.

* * *

Adventure 2, where Seiya meets Thor and the following dialogue happens

A sunny morning. Trees are murmuring, birds are singing, poisonous ivies, snakes and mosquitoes are on their usual occupation. On the bridge over the river there stands Thor with a rod, one end of which is dipped into the river, from what we may suppose that he is fishing.

Meanwhile, Seiya approaches from one end of the bridge.

Seiya: Ahoy, friend! I need to pass this bridge!

Thor(eyes fixed to the bob): Go ahead.

Seiya: Um...well...look, I really must cross the river.

Thor: Then go, who keeps you?

Seiya: Ah...er...right! But you block my way, friend!

Thor(looks around): No, I'm not. There's plenty of space left. Look by yourself.

Seiya: Oh... but you're right. I haven't noticed Sorry...er. Thank you.

Thor(turning his attention back to the bob): Not at all.

Seiya marches cross the bridge, stops on the opposite bank, thinks deeply on something, and returns back to Thor. Thor still shows no reaction.

Seiya: Look. It's wrong. All that is wrong.

Thor: What is wrong?

Seiya: I mean, aren't you supposed to throw me into the river?

Thor(finally surprised): Why should I? I'm only fishing here, not crocodile-hunting.

Seiya: Eeeek! There are crocs in this river?

Thor(takes a deep analyzing look at Seiya): No.

Seiya: Ah, now you are going to say they all are scared by sharks, ha ha, really funny joke, I know it.

Thor(patiently): Sharks only live in saltwater. This is a river, if you haven't noticed.

Seiya (crestfallen): Oh...sorry.

Thor (returns to his fishing): Don't mention it.

Seiya(sadly): Why oh why must I do everything myself? Like the jumping down the cliffs when nobody forced me, was not stupid enough...so, no sharks, right?

Thor: No sharks.

Seiya promptly jumps into the river with a loud splash.

Thor(mournfully): There goes my fishing. You scared them all away, thank you very much. (packs the rod and prepares to leave)

Seiya: Hey....blublublub...and what about me?

Thor: You don't look like fish to me.

Seiya: No! I mean...blub...you should save me!

Thor: Should I? But excuse me, if I took that wrong, but was it not you who jumped there right now and most likely on your own will?

Seiya: Yes, but...blublub...that's because you refused to push me in! Heeeelp, I am drowning!

Thor: Then why did you jump if you can't swim?

Seiya: Because you have...blub...to drag me out! Heeeelp!

Thor: Why should I?

Seiya: To...blub...become my eternal friend!

Thor: Goodbye. (turns to leave)

Seiya: Oh no, please wait...bl...heeelp! Hilfe! Au secours! Tasukete! Spasite!

Thor: Instead of studying them foreign languages, you should better learn how to swim.

Seiya: Blublublublub...blub...bl...ub...

Thor: Oh dear, can't look how a man drowns in front of my eyes, even such a good-for-nothing specimen. One day my tender heart will make a bad turn for me (bends down and drags Seiya out)

Seiya:(spits and coughs) Pheee...thank you, my good man, for saving my life! From now, count me as yours eternal friend!

Thor: Just like I said...

Seiya(ignoring the remark): Now, by all rules, you will become my right hand...

Thor: Dream on! Use your own right hand, if you can't afford a girlfriend!

Seiya: What, would you really waste an opportunity to become the famous outlaw, to rob riches and give to the poor?

Thor: What poor?

Seiya: Us, of course.

Thor(scratches his head): Ah, that...well, I dunno...sounds alright.

Seiya(brightly): Then we are decided! What's your name, friend, by the way?

Thor: Thor.

Seiya: Thor, nice name, but it lacks something...some flashy add on to remember...ah, got it: from now on, I name you Little Thor, and this will be your only proper name for the future!

Thor: And maybe we could cease the naming a bit? Until, say, your sense of humour will be back from the vacation?

Seiya: What sense? I have got full set of 8 senses, but never heard about such one.

Thor: Never you mind. So, what are you offering for now?

Seiya: But of course -- let's go robbing people!

Thor: I hope you are better in that than in swimming. Anyway, let's go.

Seiya: But let me dry my clothes first, okay? I don't want to be memorized as the "Wet burglar", you know.

Thor(silently): Suits you fine...

The kernel of the future Horror of Screwwood leaves.

* * *

Adventure 3, where the readers meet the bad guys, namely:

Camus de Cognac-Napoleon, Seriph of Nothingham; Aragosta de Athmask, the evil warlock and otherwise bad person; Budweiser Gizmo, wicked crusader, Bud for friends, You Bastard for enemies, sweetie for himself; and Prince Poseijohn with his sneaky advisor Sir Sorrento.

The Temple of Seriph of Nothingham. Aragosta de Athmask enters without knocking.

de Athmask(with Italian accent): Whazzaaaaa!

Camus(with French accent): Whazaaaa...

Sir Sorrento(with Austrian accent): zzaaaa...

Poseijohn(no accent): Whazaaaah!

de Athmask: Whuzaaaa!

Camus: ...zaaaah...

Sir Sorrento: ...aaaah...

Poseijohn: ...eeeeh!

(repeat from the beginning as many times as you feel it is proper)

de Athmask: So, what's up?

Camus: Nuff. Watchin' the game, havin' Bud.

de Athmask: Hi, Bud.

Bud: Hi, Aragosta.

Poseijohn(reproachfully): On which I am obliged to remind you, Camus, that it is my turn now, thank you.

Camus: Bien, bien. I'm nearly done, alright?

de Athmask: What game, by the way?

Poseijohn: Monopolis.

de Athmask: Who's winning?

Sir Sorrento(boastfully): I got all the transport!

Camus: And what brought you here, de Athmask?

de Athmask(innocently): What, can't I come just because I miss my old friends?

Bud: Last time you called me a different name, I remember it as now, you...

de Athmask: Ah, let's change the subject. I came to tell you, Camus, that according to my sources, there appeared a bunch of outlaws in Screwwood.

Camus: So what?

de Athmask: I thought Screwwood is yours?

Camus: Is it? Ah right, it is indeed! Outlaws, you say? Merde! (jumps up) Didn't your sources tell who exactly they are?

de Athmask: Seiya from the neighbourhood and Little Thor.

Camus: Quoi? Thor? C'est impossible! What an outrageous news, who will supply me with fish now? By the way, why 'Little'? He's twenty feet tall!

Poseijohn(giggles): Maybe he lacks, er, you know, size in some other department?

Bud: Naaah. Not the case.

Camus: How could you...but no, no, don't tell me. Some things, especially from your personal life, are better left unknown. Anyway, de Athmask, what evil things have they already done?

de Athmask: Not much yet. I've heard they are still collecting the crew. There is no fun in the company of just two, they say.

Bud(nods): That's what I always say, too.

Camus: We must stop them!

de Athmask: Why?

Camus(lost): But...but they are evil outlaws, and I am the Seriph, ain't I? Lionhead set me into this position, so this is my duty.

de Athmask: Corretto! Now imagine, what will happen when he will be back from this crusade in the undoubtedly bad mood -- I was informed that he's doing poorly, those heathen yaoists are mean and tough.

Poseijohn: May I answer, please? He will nag everyone around, searching on whom to flush his bad moods due to his failure.

de Athmask: Exactly, Poseijohn. You really can think smart sometimes.

Poseijohn(sadly): The experiences of my childhood. He is my older sibling, after all.

de Athmask: Whatever. So, Camus, when he will pick on you and start asking what's going in Nothingham City, what will you say?

Camus: That everything's alright, everything's fine, yes, close your eyes, think of nothing tonight...

de Athmask: The answer is poetic and truthful, but totally wrong! Imagine Lionhead, who is all angry, irritated and annoyed -- and suddenly someone comes up with a cheerful "That's alright, boss! I'm doing fine, never was better, the peace and order rules the land, we did fine here without you!" His reaction is...

Poseijohn(sighs): ...predictable.

Bud: Adieu your head.

Camus: Oh...

de Athmask: Now see what I mean? We must be prepared for Lionhead's return. That means we must create some problems around that will keep him occupied and make leave us alone. This bunch of outlaws would be the perfect case.

Sir Sorrento: Besides, nowadays it is fashionable to keep pet outlaws.

Camus: Oui...you sound sensible. But what shall we do?

de Athmask: In my opinion, we must help Seiya to form a proper outlaw band. I personally know some people that will fit in there. That would be a good riddance.

Camus: I'd like to get rid of someone, too.

Bud: So do I.

Poseijohn: I also have some candidates.

de Athmask: Perfetto. Now, when we are decided, we must develop our business plan and start working. For starters, I was informed that Seiya is desperately looking for a girlfriend.

Sir Sorrento(nastily): Tough luck. This universe is more than sparse in the sense of females.

Poseijohn: Wait, we have Lady Marin!

Camus: Mon Dieu!

Bud: Oh no! Poseijohn, your mind is just too wicked!

de Athmask: Wait, wait...Lionhead's broad? Bravo, Poseijohn, that might be a perfect choice! When Aiolia returns and finds out that his chick is currently living with a bunch of outlaws, he will be really upset.

Poseijohn: Upset? He will be glad as hell! Don't you know that the main reason of his crusade was to be as far away from her as possible?

de Athmask: Si, si. But he does have a very strong sense of property. No matter how unwanted that property may be, he will get really pissed when someone takes it without his permission.

Poseijohn(bitterly): You hit the target here. I remember those two weeks in hospital...and I only borrowed his Barbie!

Camus: Très bien. Now the question is to discover if she is available for our task.

Bud(sighs): She is always available. Remember, Aragosta? Late morning, I'm utterly unavailable anymore, you're exhausted and unavailable, Sorrento's unavailable from the beginning, and she's still bloody available! What an endurance!

Sir Sorrento: I protest! I said I would only watch!

Camus: Yeah, we all know you're a voyeur.

Sir Sorrento: A watcher!

Camus: What's the difference? Anyway, de Athmask, how will we slip her to the outlaws?

de Athmask: Hum, let me think. I suppose, we must announce some big promotional campaign...say, 'Poor innocent girl'...

Others: Hee hee hee!

de Athmask(irritatedly): Look, those are the rules, you ignoramuses! Advertisement must not be necessarily truthful. Who ever would respond to 'Twisted and perverted nymphomaniac is desperately wanted to be taken by outlaws', eh?

Bud: Well, I'd be interested for sure.

de Athmask: You don't count! This is not an advert for the kinky creeps, but for the chivalrous outlaws. So, 'Poor innocent girl caught and tortured by evil forces who may also become a possible sacrifice for some sinister gods in the future!'. What do you think?

Sir Sorrento(dreamily): Arousing.

de Athmask(rolls his eyes): For once I would like to hear the opinion of a relatively normal person! Camus?

Camus: Well, I won't buy it, but the outlaws may.

de Athmask: Good. Now we only have to stuff the bait to our banditi friends, attach the guide how to get to the destination, and hope that they won't get lost.

Poseijohn: One more question: who is going to play those evil forces?

de Athmask: I plan to accomplish this part by myself, if you don't mind. I do not trust your concept of evil. But, of course, I would use some help -- we must lure Lady Marin from her castle to my Temple.

Poseijohn: Why? Her castle is evil enough. Every time I see those pink turrets with blue roofs I get sick.

de Athmask: Because it's easier to get to my Temple without being lost. I do not trust the intelligence of these outlaws either. And the task to bring her to me...

Poseijohn(hurriedly): I remember I have some urgent business in my Temple.

Sir Sorrento(desperately): And you vitally must be helped by me, right? Right, Master?

Bud: Oh, silly me, I forgot to turn off the water tap at home!

de Athmask: Alright, I got your point. Anyway, my pick is Camus.

Camus(going very pale and in breaking voice): Me... Mais pourquoi, Aragosta? Why are you doing this to me?

de Athmask: It's obvious. Since you are the only one from us she still does not know in, ahem, one particular sense, you'll be her best motivation.

Poseijohn: Marvellous idea!

Bud: Absolutely!

Sir Sorrento: Brilliant!

Camus(crestfallen): Ah bien...it seems the time for the ultimate self-sacrifice that I've been told in Saint School, finally got me.

de Athmask: So, the roles are shared, the plan is created. I am going to my Temple to work on the details. And you, Camus, go to Lady Marin and make her come...

Bud: That won't be difficult.

de Athmask(coolly): ...come to my Temple. Then, everything will be only a matter of time and my skills.

Camus: Okay...(silently): Mon Dieu...why me?

Poseijohn(compassionately): Good luck, friend.

Sir Sorrento: We will miss you.

Bud: And don't forget to leave the keys to your wine cellar on leaving. Just, you know, in case.

Camus leaves, with a doomed expression on his face and followed by compassionate looks of his comrades.

* * *

Adventure 4, where lady Marin joins the outlaws.

The gates of Lady Marin's castle. Hilda the Chambermaid leans on the gates, looking dreamily at Camus, who is currently being dragged forward by a very energetic and determined Lady Marin.

Marin(impatiently): Hurry up, Camus! I can't wait to see what a surprise my dear de Athmask prepared for me! I hope it won't be worse than this one of yours.

Camus(coughs, frantically): Lady Marin, please...

Hilda(dreamily): Drop in here more often, will you?

Camus(wild eyes): I will never!...gulp...forget your hospitality, fair ladies.

Hilda: You're a genuine Frenchman. Galant and everything.

Camus: ...

Marin: You will, you surely will. Every next time will be better than the previous one, trust us on that.

Camus: First? Next?!...eeh.

Marin: Why are you standing here with your mouth open? Let's go! Hilda, lock the gates and don't mess around.

Hilda(reproachfully): How can I? You do not take me along, Lady.

Marin: Oh, but you know -- Camus said that Aragosta needs me alone. But don't worry, dear -- if there is anything worthy, I will definitely share it with you. When did I not?

Hilda(throws a sensual glance towards Camus): Never, Milady.

Camus: Aargh! Let's hurry up, Lady Marin.

Meanwhile, the forest. On the path, leading to de Athmask's temple, there appear Seiya and Thor.

Seiya(looking at the road sign 'Your last chance not to go to de Athmask's Temple. 0.25 miles): We're almost here.

Thor: Still haven't changed your mind?

Seiya: Stop grumbling, Thor! I told you, if you don't want to go, you may go away. The map that a postman brought together with the invitation, is obvious enough, so I can find the way on my own.

Thor: I go because I am curious -- if there is the same Marin I know, I wonder what innocence has to do with her.

Seiya: So stop whining and move.

Thor: And yet, I sense a trap here. You don't know Lady Marin.

Seiya(cheerfully): And I can't wait to know her!

Thor: Alright. But don't tell me later that I haven't warned you.

The decoration switches to de Athmask's Temple. Still very energetic Marin enters, dragging Camus, who looks weary and exhausted.

Camus(trips): Ouch.

Marin: Watch the masks, dear! Aragosta, sweetheart -- where are you?

de Athmask(husky voice from underground): Over here, in my dungeon. Want me to come and show the way?

Marin: No need, sweetheart. I still haven't forgotten the way, although I must complain you haven't invited me for such a long time. (descends the sinister looking steps).

The dungeon of de Athmask. A cross-shaped slab on the wall, sinister looking wheel shaped construction looms in the middle, sinister looking tools scattered around.

de Athmask: Been very busy! By the way, why did you take so long?

Marin(sweetly): Oh, I just got tired and insisted on having some rest several times.

Camus looks around with bewildered eyes and collapses on the wheel-shaped object.

de Athmask(thoughtfully): I see. Well, I must say that was only for good. My surprise is late, too.

Marin: Oh, what a pity. But no big deal, I think we will find some nice way to pass time, won't we, guys? I am sure such two sweet boys won't let a lady get bored.

Camus instantly regains consciousness and shoots on his fours out of the dungeon at light speed.

de Athmask(to himself): Traitor! To let me down in danger, I'll pay you for this! - Luckily, I predicted something like that. (to Marin) Sure, honey! I got this small prelude surprise for you. Before the big surprise.

Marin(claps her hands): Goody, goody!

de Athmask(goes around the corners with the candle): Nazgul? Nazguuul, where are you? He is shy, you see, when meeting new people...ah, here you are! (drags something by chain and hair towards Marin).

Marin(excitedly): Oh, Masky! He is so cuuuuute! Thank you!

Meanwhile, at the entrance to the Temple, Camus bumps into Seiya and Thor.

Seiya(politely): Excuse me, but is this de Athmask's Temple?

Camus(squeakily): Oui!!!

Seiya: Thank you, my good man. I wonder if you could show us the way to the dungeon?

Camus(hysterically): No! (pushes Seiya and runs away)

Thor: Wasn't that the Seriph of Nothingham?

Seiya: I haven't managed to notice, poor chap was in such pitiful condition. What a sadistic freak is that de Athmask! Now, see how right we were by arriving to rescue that poor lady? I just hope it won't be too late.

Back to the dungeon.

de Athmask: Say hi to the lady!

Nazgul Shiryu(shyly): Hi...

Marin: Hello, you big boy! Naughty Aragosta, why were you hiding him from me?

de Athmask: I wasn't, he was delivered just recently, even though I put the order ages ago. And, since you mentioned that, I am going to send him back with a reclamation. If you wait such a long time for the killing machine from South, you can at least expect not to receive a faulty specimen.

Marin: Faulty? He looks in no way faulty to me. On the contrary...

de Athmask: He is. What shall I do with a killing machine who always gets nearly killed even before the battle starts? Always! To be frank, he did win those battles, but just because his opponents got sick of the view of so much blood. And the time it takes for him to recover makes him utterly unprofitable. Save that I am a warlock, otherwise I'd broke on his medicine.

Marin: Poor boy...

de Athmask(cheerfully): Yet, I noted a few features in him, that might interest you before I send him back. Shiryu, show the lady your art, please?

Shiryu(sniffles): But Master, she's a woman!

de Athmask: So what? I told you there exist women of that type, too.

Shiryu: She is of that type?

de Athmask: She's of any type, don't you worry.

Marin(suspiciously): Of what type?

de Athmask: Oh, of sadi...dominating type. Poor boy likes to be dominated, you see. In fact, he cannot function properly otherwise. So Shiryu, what are you waiting for?

Shiryu: Your wish is the law for me, Master. (does nothing).

Marin: ?

de Athmask: ?!

Shiryu(hopefully): Will there be a punch, a kick or a whip stroke from you, Master?

de Athmask(sighs): Sometimes you make me feel such a swine, Shiryu. Won't some obscene shouting do?

Shiryu(disappointedly): It might not start me, Master.

de Athmask: Alright, alright. (slaps Shiryu on his face and kicks into the butt) Now, would you mind to start?

Shiryu starts.

Marin(starry eyes): Wow! Striptease! I haven't seen male striptease for...when did Bud visit me last time?...a week!

de Athmask(galantly): Mind if I tie you to the wheel, dear?

Marin: When did I mind, Masky?

Shiryu: And me, Master?

de Athmask(tying Marin up): You? No, I'll need you not like this.

Shiryu(very crestfallen): Oh...

de Athmask(guiltily): I can whack you once or twice, instead.

Shiryu: Oh please, please, Master!

Meanwhile, at the top of the sinister stairs. Seiya and Thor stand, listening to the suspicious sounds and ouches from downstairs.

Seiya: I am already coming to help you, Lady! (rolls down).

Thor: What the heck. (bends triple and slowly descends)

The dungeon, again. Lady Marin looks, interestedly, at Seiya and Thor.

Thor(to himself): So, what do we see here? The sinister warlock with a whip, a guy dressed in tattoo and nothing else, and a tied-up lady. This can mean only one thing: Lady Marin was having some fun, and we spoiled it.

Marin: Who are they, Aragosta?

de Athmask: The mentioned surprise, darling. (looks at his watch). You are late.

Seiya: Uh, sorry. We got lost in the Temple.

de Athmask: Damn. That was my mistake -- I did not consider to put some signs inside as well. Sometimes my opinion about human race is far too positive. Anyway, here you are, so let's start, shall we? (in a bored voice) Uh oh, bad outlaws are attacking my Temple. Somebody help me. Please.

Shiryu(launches forward): Yes, Master!

de Athmask(drags him back by his hair): Back, you idiot! Can't you recognize the rhetorical exclamation when you hear one?

Seiya, meantime, tries to untie Lady Marin.

Marin(undressing Thor with her look): So, I suppose you are the famous Thor? Gee, what a size! I wonder if you are that big everywhere...

Thor attains a red beet root color.

Seiya(busy with the knots): Just gimme a minute, lady!

Marin: Don't hurry so much, silly. Sweet Masky just tied me up so comfy.

de Athmask(hurriedly): I've changed my mind! (starts helping Seiya)

Seiya(finally done): You are free, Milady!

Marin: So what now?

An uneasy pause.

de Athmask: Well, I suggest you take the lady and bugger off.

Thor: What, just like that? Aren't we supposed to beat you up a little?

de Athmask(looking warily at Thor): Why waste your time? You're the good guys, I'm the bad guy, everyone knows that you must win, thus why not spare me from the routine? I admit that I've lost, okay? Now, go away.

Marin(poutily): Aragosta, but what about the surprise that you promised me?

de Athmask: This is it, your surprise!

Marin: No, this is the big surprise. I want him too! (points at Shiryu).

de Athmask: Marin, your appetites are...

Marin: Yes, Masky, I know, everyone tells me that. So can I have him, please?

de Athmask: Promise to leave when you get him?

Marin: Cross my heart and hope to die.

de Athmask(pushing Shiryu towards Seiya): Here you are. Now would you mind to leave? Thank you in advance.

Seiya(suspiciously): Wait! We were told about innocent tortured lady, not about this...

Shiryu(bows): Nazgul Shiryu, the killing machine from South. At your service.

de Athmask: What's the problem? You get two for the price of one, and play incontent? He will fit you well, besides he is tortured, too, and about the innocent part, he fits that even better. Now, let me not keep you longer, the door's over there, farewell!

Seiya: If you put it like that...(sighs). Alright, let's go, Milady and you...Nazgul.

Shiryu(whines): Are you giving me away, Master?

de Athmask: You were always complaining about me not being cruel enough, so now you have it: extra cruelty with a bonus pack.

Everyone but de Athmask leaves, Thor mumbling under his nose 'I still think this was a trap'.

de Athmask: Of course it was a trap, you morons! Good little trap with a time delay. Good bye, Shiryu, I won't miss you, but I pity you, thinking of where you got stuck now...

His monologue is rudely interrupted by an arrow that whirs a few inches from his ear and sticks into the wall.

Mysterious Voice: Huh? And where's Seiya?

de Athmask: Sorry, but he's just left.

Mysterious Voice(depressed): Oh, I am late...that's your messy Temple! So easy to get lost. But whatever, if they are here no more, can you hand me my arrow? It seems stuck in the wall.

de Athmask(pulls the arrow out): Here you are.

Mysterious Voice: Thanks! (fades out)

A pause of 10 minutes.

de Athmask: I wonder what did he want?

The End


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