The Zeus Chapter

© 2000 by Torquemada

"XX Century Hoax"

proudly presents:

"Hades is not enough", or "Seiya never dies"

(The script of the Zeus Chapter, that is perfect for Toei animators to avoid at any cost).

This page was last modified: 2000/12/11

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Chapter 3

Bronzies go home! Home, what home?

Plop-plop-plop-plop, plop, plop... plop... plop... plop... hisss.

"Nine..." With his eyes, Ikki mournfully followed the stone that melted in the lava, and reached for a new one.

The Phoenix Saint was extremely bored.

The meditation in the volcano appeared to be dull when nobody buggered him and called for help every 5 minutes. To incite fighting with the islanders was no way out of it, either. It's just no fun fighting when you are not trashed into pulp initially and could not demonstrate what a lousy nuisance that was, while reaching the glorious victory.

He visited the Twelve Temples in Greece though there were no Gold Saints left, and so accordingly none could step into his way, call him bad names, no one wanted to kill him, take away whatever quantity of his senses or kick him out into strange dimensions. He spent some time there anyway, enjoying the Pope's spa and visiting Shaka's Temple. The wall decorations at which he had glimpsed only shorty on his previous visit, highly amused him, especially the ones in Shaka's private quarters. Ikki drew moustaches and spectacles on some of the figures and left his comments under some of the most interesting poses, for the first time regretting that Shaka was gone and couldn't approve his work.

These deeds done, he returned to his home volcano, and spent a whole two days there until he got bored again.

"To Hell with all of that!" Ikki growled, scattering the heap of flat stones. "It's seems like it's time to pay a visit to the old wimp Kido and my little sweet brother. I'm dying for a decent meal, and my cook is ground zero at proper cooking."

Ikki's cook was himself.

Thus Ikki packed his few things and left for Japan.

He reached Kido mansion in the noon. The sun was shining brightly, birds were singing joyfully in the trees -- until Ikki's thrown stone shooed the buggers away -- and the door was locked.

Ikki rattled the doorknob several times, but the thing refused to turn. His mad pressing on the doorbell ended with no results, either.

"I wonder where them buggers could be? Even the ugly baldie is out." Ikki murmured.

The locked door never was of any hindrance to Ikki, but he had enough common sense not to break in through the front door.

"I'm a simple man, the back door suits me fine..." Ikki whistled silently on his way to the back door. Suddenly, the feeling of a well familiar couple of Cosmos struck him. Quickly extinguishing his own Cosmo - one could never be too cautious - Ikki stopped at the corner, listening.

His ear caught two voices whispering. Whispering, especially when it desperately tries to be unheard and at the same time is annoyingly loud, always is a greatly suspicious thing, worthy to be investigated. And the conversation itself was interesting enough, too.

"Are you sure that nobody can see us?" The worried whisper belonged to Shun, Ikki's little brother.

"I'm not 100% sure, how can I be? Still, it looks quite safe and it's worthy to take a risk anyway. Or have you changed your mind?" The calm whisper was Hyoga's.

"No, not at all! But..." Shun sighed, "I feel a little bit..."

"Scared?" mocked Hyoga.

"No! Stop teasing me, Hyoga! I just never did it before, so I'm a bit nervous, that's all."

"There always is a first time, Shun. And it won't hurt, I promise."

"Alright, alright...but yet, what if we got caught?"

"Then we would pretend we were doing something else."

"Something else? In such an obvious situation?"

"Gosh, Shun, please stop whining. Can't you take a risk once in your life? But if you want to be out of this, just say a word. It's not that I'm overconcerned about this."

"No, I don't want to! But..."

"No more buts, Shun. Either we do it or we don't."

Deep sorrowful sigh of Shun.

"Alright, then let's start immediately. Take it out, Hyoga."

A pause, shuffling of clothes and the loud disappointed whisper of Shun.

"Gee...I thought it was bigger."

"Size doesn't matter. The skills are that matter."

"You say, you know. Now what?"

"Now you shut up and let me get ready."

Another sound of shifting bodies. Then again the whisper of Shun, who never was able to keep his mouth shut more than 30 seconds when excited.

"Hyoga? Where have you learned this?"

"This? Oh, my sensei Camus taught me...among other needful things."

"Who could imagine? He didn't look as if he could..."

"Why not? The Ice Cube was only an image. Inside, he is as human as any of us." cut Hyoga.

Another pause.

"Is it in, Hyoga?"

"Drat! Stop distracting me! Can't you see by yourself?"

"No. You are in the way."

"It's in. Now, we should act tenderly and carefully; we don't want to damage anything, do we?"


"Oh, no...what now?"

"Can you please pull it out? I want to try to handle it myself."

"Shun, are you insane? I just took a comfy position and you want me to ruin everything we already achieved? Forget it!"

"Hyoga, please...?"

"For what sake, can you explain me?"

"Well... I thought... I thought that maybe... what if I ever need to do it myself?"

"Yourself, you? *YOU*?! Shun, do you want me to die from laughter?"

"Yes, me! So what?" Shun sounded very offended by Hyoga's hysterical giggling. "I'm not as innocent as you think of me, Hyoga!"

"Yeah, sure..." Hyoga restored his self-control. "But anyway, you have reached your goal and distracted me. It's out, OK? Now, look and learn."



"Can I handle it myself?"

"Duh?! But you don't know how to operate it!"

"You will guide me and look if I'm doing right! Hyoga, please, please..."

"Oh, no..."

"But please..."

Shun's pleadings were able to turn a tiger into a fierce vegetarian; Hyoga was not much tougher.

"Ok...I guess we can hazard a try."

"Thank you!"

"Not at all, I'm already regretting it. Anyway, let's start. Take it... no, not that way. This way, right. Point it to the hole...exactly. Now, shove it... hey, not that fast! You should do it slowly and carefully."


"Excusable for the first time. Just remember that it doesn't like rough treatment. And how's it?"

"Nothing tricky for now! See, I did it, I did it on my own!" Shun's voice was excited and somewhat proud.

"I share your joy, Shun, yet it's not the time to relax. It's only the beginning. Now, move it forward... hey, I said be careful! It's not a hammer-shaft! Now, sway it sideways a bit, to make sure whether it fits properly. Now, a bit back...turn a little... forward! No, no, don't slam it, don't slam it!"


"What?! Shun, you broke it, damn! And it was the only one I had, what to do now? Oh, Shun..."

* * *

The picture drawn by Ikki's imagination, was horrid enough to shake his numbness, caused by the overheard conversation. With a roar, he leapt over the corner.

The picture of reality was more unexpected than the imaginary one.

Hyoga and Shun, bent double (by this sticking out certain body parts at Ikki in the most disrespectful manner), were staring in awe at the back door's keyhole.

"Ah!" Ikki's sudden appearance made Shun to leap two meters in the air. Hyoga, who was less impressive, contented himself with half a meter.

"Niisan!" His fright immediately changed into nfinite happiness as it always happened with Shun. "You came to help me again! Right when I'm in need, like always!"

"Help you in what? What are you two doing here anyway?" Ikki asked, gloomily.

Shun blushed.

"Well, we, er...I know it is a bad thing, niisan, but..."

"We were trying to open the door, until your little brother broke the picklock in the keyhole" Hyoga said coldly. "And good afternoon to you, too, Ikki."

"Wait, wait...there's something I cannot understand. Why the hell are you trying to break into your own house?"

"You see, Ikki, it's not our house anymore," Shun said sadly. "When Saori started dating Poseidon..."


"You didn't know? It's several weeks since it's impossible to tell them apart. They are like glued together," Hyoga noted.

"Nevertheless, Posey demanded that we -- all Bronze Saints -- were to leave, and Saori kicked us out," Shun continued. "Shiryu went to Rozan, though I can't imagine what he will do there now, when his Sensei is gone and only Shunrei is left..."

Ikki knew perfectly what could be done when there was pretty obsequious Shunrei and no old mushroom to watch them, but said nothing. Not the time for Shun to learn about certain aspects of reality, yet.

"...June said she has a place to go and left on her own, and Jabu and Co. went to the orphanage all together. We were a bit late, and when we arrived, the tenants said 'No more of those horrible people there!', and so we were left literally on the street. And I remembered I left some things in the house, but Tatsumi refused to let us in. So Hyoga thought out this plan..." Shun finished bitterly.

"She kicked you out, after we saved her ass so many times? I can't believe it! If only Seiya was here..."

"If Seiya was here, he would be kicked altogether. You should see what eyes Saori makes when she looks at her dearest waterboy," Hyoga muttered.

"And I would, be sure! Who does she think she is anyway?"

"The goddess, Ikki. And her precious loverboy is a god. Do you really want to face two gods together, Ikki? I'm afraid that -- if such meeting happened -- you, eating flies and saying nothing but 'Ribbit, ribbit!' till the end of your life, would be defined as an easy case."

Hyoga's reasonable words cooled Ikki a bit, yet he didn't want to give up.

"But we can't leave Shun's things to them buggers! We have our rights, we do!"

"Maybe, but how are you going to get inside? If we smash a window, you can be sure that Saori catches us and you have enough money, Ikki? Else it would be jail for us."

Ikki thoughtfully looked at the house. There was a chimney on the roof.

"Shun, call your armour here. I see how your chains might come handy."

* * *

"It's pitch black here..."

"What did you expect from a chimney, eh?"

"Coo-ee, kids! Santa is coming for you!"

"Very funny, Ikki."

Plop, plop. Plop.


"What is it, Hyoga?"

"Your spiky headgear pricked me into my... never mind. Let's get out of here."

"Achoo! Good that the fire was out, don't you think?"

Three figures crawled out of the fireplace.

Ikki stood up, looked around and his heart went cold with an utter horror he thought long forgotten.

"No! Not that, please! The black Saints, they are back! They are back for me!"


"No, this time you won't get me! Not anymore! Never!"


"Keeeeee-yaaaaaah!" Ikki's battle cry was followed by the tingling sound of breaking glass.

"That's what I wanted to say," Hyoga sighed wearily. "There is... was that mirror in the hall."


* * *

In this situation it came natural that the sound of keys shuffling at the front door passed unheard, and when the door slammed open, the three unlucky friends could only stand and blink confusedly in the light.

"What the hell is happening here?" Saori Kido, or Athena the Goddess of War and Wisdom, stood in the doorway. Her pose could be best described as 'the meanest bull in the corrida' and it represented a maximum of War, but a minimum of Wisdom.

"Saori-sama, please forgive us for that! We dropped in only to take some things I forgot here!" Shun chimed in his sweetest voice.

"Saori, baby...I asked you to get rid of your pets, didn't I? Not that I don't like them, they are funny - but you know I have got an allergy against them." Julian Solo entered the house, idly tossing the car keys.

Ikki felt a strong urge to comment on Julian's last words, but when he met the God's eyes, he decided against it.

"I knew they were planning something criminal, Kido-sama! I always said you can't trust any of them buggers," Tatsumi's voice sounded, though he himself was hidden from view by the huge pyramid of packages he carried inside. "We are out just for a little shopping, and here they are!"

Julian looked around, disgustedly.

"Well, I'm not going to stay in this pigsty, darling. Decide what do you want more - to keep them or to be with me." He turned to go.

"No, Julian, please wait!" Saori grabbed his the arm and gave her very special look to the three Saints. (If her eyes were machine guns... well, everyone who played "Doom" at least once in their life, would understand).

"My patience has limits, you know." Saori began in a low menacing voice. "You did a couple of small services for me, that I admit. And this is the only reason why I am not doing what I wish to do to you. Moreover, I am going to be generous -- I'm a goddess, after all -- and give you some time to find a place to live, and to remove the mess you created here. But if I find you still here after my return..." The glaring look she gave them was eloquent enough. "Julian, darling? Remember, you promised me a sea journey on your yacht, just you and me?" she addressed Poseidon in an absolutely different voice. "I feel now it is the time for that... Tatsumi, where are you?! Come here, now! We are leaving!"

The door slammed shut.

"Well..." said Ikki, when the sound of the car's humming motor faded in the distance, "it was not as bad as it could have been."

"Yet," Hyoga added gloomily.

"But we havesome time, she said, guys! To find a place to live!" twittered Shun in a very enthusiastic tone of voice. "And to clean all this..." He stopped under heavy gazes of two other Saints.

"To clean, exactly," Hyoga said, crossing his hands in front of his chest. "So go fetch the broom and the bucket and start working on that immediately. Meanwhile, Ikki and me will begin the cleaning of our persons. Saori's pool is big enough for that, as far as I remember, and as I see that you, Shun, are so enthusiastic about tidying everything up, you could go and clean there, too, afterwards."

"But niisan!" Shun turned to this brother, but now was a very wrong time to search for his protection.

"Didn't you hear, Shun? Now!!!"

By silent agreement between Hyoga and Ikki, cheerful optimism in such moments had to be punished.

End of Chapter 3 -- Go to Chapter 4

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