The Zeus Chapter

© 2001 by Torquemada

"XX Century Hoax"

proudly presents:

"Hades is not enough", or "Seiya never dies"

(The script of the Zeus Chapter, that is perfect for Toei animators to avoid at any cost).

This page was last modified: 2001/01/26

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Chapter 4

Be afraid, be very afraid! The real ruler of Underworld shows up

"I spy with my little eye," said Hades, "something beginning with...'D'."

"Debris?" hazarded Seiya.



"You guessed! Now your turn."

Seiya desperately looked around. They already had 'H' for 'horizon', 'R' for 'rocks', 'S' for 'stones', 'Sapuri' and 'Seiya', 'B' for 'bloody dullness', and it seemed nothing much had left anymore.

They were killing time in different ways. Hades knew a lot of riddles ("I'm yet nothing much; you should talk to Spectre Sphinx, now he was the real riddle master, may he rest in pieces"), and Seiya knew more blonde jokes. Then they tried to play cards -- Seiya luckily had a pack of them -- but as Seiya accused Hades in spying on his, Seiya's, mind when Hades was winning, and losing on the purpose when he was losing, Hades finally announced he would never play with such an immature player again.

And now letters were coming to an end.

"I spy with my little eye," decided Seiya finally, "something beginning with 'W'...".

"Wastelands," said Hades, "and it was already. You lose!"

"No, not wastelands," Seiya denied.

"No? I wonder, then... definitely not a wardrobe, not WC... not whiskey by any chance, no? Pity... ah, I know! Wilderness!"

"Nope! Surrender?" yelled Seiya, joyfully.

"Well...maybe. Ok, I do. So what is it?" Hades looked at Seiya curiously.


"What?! Where?"

"Over there," Seiya pointed the figure behind them.

Hades turned to look and went pale. To be more exact -- went paler.

"Oh no, Seiya," he muttered in weak voice. "It's not a woman... it can go under 'D' for 'disaster', 'T' for 'terror', 'C' for 'catastrophe'..." Hades backed, trying to hide behind Seiya's back.

"Who is she?" Seiya was extremely intrigued -- who could scare almost to death a god of Death?

"My wife."

"Then it's on 'W' anyway!" finished Seiya, very content with himself.

Hades didn't care to object.

The woman patiently waited for all the attention to focus on her -- and when she felt that had happened, she held a striking pause, and only then she began to speak in deceptively gentle voice. Or, rather, to recite a monologue.

"So...finally, you were so kind and noticed me. I run around like mad, after that clueless puppy Hermes appeared in mother's place where I was resting and idling very happily, and started yapping something about you being in trouble... it needed the proper treatment to shake the decent answer out of him... but anyway, I got home immediately -- and I see my home lies shattered, mess and disorder around, Spectres doing whatever they want and..."

"What?" Seiya and Hades uttered together.

"But I thought none of my Spectres had left..." Hades proceeded.

"Hades, you know how I hate being interrupted." The woman said coldly, stressing every single word.

"Sorry, darling..." Hades whispered meekly.

"And where else could these your Spectres be, let me ask? Where could the lawyers end if not in Hell? Some of them are still missing, including Rhadamanthys, who is always missing when needed, anyway, so I'm pretty sure they all will show up soon. Minos and Aiacos were already busy planning to sue Athena for all that damage she caused, and Lune the Balrog even introduced a girl as his assistant -- he said she was his sister. Well I don't know, they look alike, and she knows a thing about the whip, too... but what I was on? You managed to distract me again!"

"Sorry, dear..."

"Ah, that monstrosity Athena. So they said you had this little clash with her and then you disappeared without a trace. Without a trace for them maybe, but no way for me, hah! And what do I find when I finally locate you after many dangers and ordeals? That you are having a good time, while your place is a mess, your subordinates are lazing around and your wife -- whom you even didn't bother to notice at first - is worried to dead on the search!"

"Sorry, darling... but we were really looking for a way out..." Hades muttered brokenly.

"Looking for a way out, sure! And who is this brat anyway?" Only now the woman seemed to notice Seiya.

"My name is Pegasus Bronze Saint Seiya, Mrs.Hades." Seiya said hotly, offended by her attitude.

"And my name is Persephone, human." The woman answered haughtily. "We Gods do not follow your stupid customs to inherit names, take it into your head. And -- Bronze Saint? Aren't you one of Athena's minions? As far as I am concerned, it's her idea to call her hunks 'Saints'. What a lousy sense of humor, I must say."

"I am a warrior of Athena, and I'm proud of it!" Seiya declared, rattled by this creature. And he felt more and more sympathy for Hades, whom he started to like already. Now Seiya thought he knew Hades motivation, too: when one finally managed to get away from someone like her, the sweet feeling called freedom truly could make one's head dizzy, the behaviour crazy and the self-confidence gigantic.

"Really?" Now Persephone looked at Hades. "Want me to disintegrate him?"

"No, darling, please!" quavered Hades. "He's of the right sort, really."

"The right sort by you is bad company by me. How are you always able to get weird friends everywhere you go? It's a mystery to me, and it apparently will stay like that." Persephone looked at both men. "Ah, let's go home anyway, and then we will see."

"Um... Persephone? How did you find us there?" Seiya felt it was a mortal risk to bug someone like her, but more than that he couldn't leave his curiosity unsatisfied.

Persephone awarded him with a despiteful look.

"It's only you men who are able to get lost in your own home, but I know my domain. Now, are you going or waiting for a special invitation?"

"Coming, dear! Please show the way!" Hades hurried towards her, dragging Seiya by his sleeve.

After some time of walking, Hades whispered to Seiya: "I think we are out. I recognize this place."

"Me, too," Seiya nodded, desperately hoping that Hades and especially Persephone hadn't noticed certain writings on the walls of some ruins, like "Hyoga was here" or "Charon Acheron is a sucker!"

But Hades, even if he noticed anything, didn't give any sign of it. He was looking around, his eyes shining brightly (Seiya quickly strangled another attack of admiration in it's very beginning). Human-like figures started to appear, hurrying back and fro. Some of them paid no attention to the trio of newcomers, but some stared at them with wide eyes and prepared to say something -- but then glimpsed Persephone and pretended they weren't interested at all.

Nevertheless, rumours traveled fast, and when the trio reached a big house with a courtyard, the surroundings buzzed like a troubled beehive.

"Home, sweet home!" Hades breathed happily.

"It is," said Persephone, glancing at Hades with love and scorn intertwined. "Now, you should take a shower, change into decent clothes and show yourself to your lazy employees. Maybe your presence will help to create an atmosphere of labour there... though frankly, I doubt it."

"Yes, darling," Hades said, and they both entered the house.

Seiya, completely forgotten, was left to stand on the porch.

The idea of being forgotten by Persephone was not bad. But then Seiya remembered that Hell's population was restored and the inhabitants, therefore, had returned. There could be a few Specters whom Seiya already hat met and they might feel very excited to find Seiya here alone. Excited enough to invite, say, an aditional 50 or 60 friends to share their excitement with.

While Seiya milled uneasily on the porch, unable to decide whether it was wiser to enter the house and face Persephone, or stay there and pretend he was a Hades house hall ornament, a voice called his name.

"Whoops. Too late," Seiya looked at the entrance mournfully before he turned to the voice, preparing to do his best.

The apparition that rushed to him didn't look hostile, but quite awkward: it was a slender, perfectly built girl in a business suit, with long blond hair which was formed into a strict yet very appealing hairdo, and she had tiny fashionable glasses saddling on her nose.

A very cute little nose, Seiya admitted, and his decision about doing the best got a slightly different meaning, which made him flush.

"Seiya," the business suit repeated, cheerfully. "I am so happy to see a familiar face here! How did you get here anyway? I've heard the Boss is back as well, is it true?"

"Well..." Seiya made a coy face and purred: "And who might you be, lady? I have this feeling we met before, could I be right?"

"But of course we did, Seiya!" the business suit said, surprised. "Don't you recognize me?" She flashed her cheerful smile again. "Ah yes, you saw me only with that mask! Chameleon June's my name -- the girl with a whip! Rings a bell, now?"

"Oh!" Seiya recalled the image of a cool dominatrix with brilliant whip skills. Shun used to call her 'a good friend of mine', and then Seiya didn't know whether to envy or pity the Andromeda Saint. "June, of course I do remember you! Long time no see, yo!" But something, the business suit and the whip girl's image didn't fit. "And what are you doing here?"

"Working," June shrugged.

"What?!" Seiya's imagination drew the horrid picture of Bronze Saints forced into slavery and hellish works.

"Well, my brother found this place for me. It's nothing very serious for now, he said, but it will help me to gain the necessary skills, and later there will be plenty of perspectives. I already feel I can have a career -- and soon nobody can say it's only because of Lune's protection that I am working here." June shone with pride.

"Lune...?" One astonishing revelation followed another, making Seiya speak in uncomplicated one-word sentences.

"Yes, Lune Balrog, my brother. He is a very important lawyer here. Haven't you met him on your first visit here, by accident?"

Seiya wished he could ever forget the tall blond guy with the thick bad book and long painful whip (now, when compared, these two really looked very alike. By all parameters).

"But, June, you are a Saint of Athena. Why such a sudden change?" The best way not to answer an unpleasant question was to throw an equally nasty question at the opponent.

"Ah," June waved her hand, "It's no fun when you lose your job, and after Athena fired us, I decided to act immediately, and this time grab on my all chances. Lune said once, that I can always depend on him, if anything happened, and I remembered..."

"Athena fi...fired you?" Seiya's limit of daily surprises seemed still being able to stretch.

"Yes," June nodded. "She said there is no more need for us, and we should either go to Hell on our own will, or she would find a way how to break our contracts by law. They are not that perfectly constructed, she said, hence she would easily find a gap. So, I followed her advice to go to Hell, and now I study the law hard. Next time no bitchy boss will be able to fire me so easily," she finished grimly.

"Huh...that was some news. And what about the other Saints? Where did they go, all to Hell?"

"Nah. I didn't want to use my brother's charity too much. I frankly do not know. Mind you, Poseidon said he would do an exception for me, Shaina and Marin, but then Saori protested loudly, and he gave up."


"Seiya, shut your mouth, please. You don't look very smart this way." June giggled. "Yes, the Sea God is Athena's newest crush. I don't blame her, though -- he is so gorgeous, but it was his fault that Athena fired us, anyway."

Seiya's brain loudly protested against this overflow of information. He decided to cease the information processing for a quieter moment. Meanwhile, June was a very worthy and much simpler object to investigate, thus Seiya decided to fix his interest on her.

"'re a lawyer's assistant now, right? Well, well, who would have expected that? First your whip, and now this new image..."

"What do you have against it?" June bristled immediately.

"Why, nothing! I like it a lot!" Seiya hurried to assure her. "Only it is a bit unexpected, you see. I am used to you in Saint Cloth, and this looks kinda different."

"My previous image didn't fit my new job," June explained. "It was tiring to feel the looks of all these local machos on me. Even with Lune's protection, it's not too much fun being the only female around. Although I am not sure about Papillon Myu's and Alraune Queen's gender, and Harpy Valentine is a bit doubtful to me as well. Anyway, the worst part were the constant blonde jokes, and so I thought it would be smarter to change my image."

"And did they stop? I mean, the blonde jokes?"

"At least they stopped telling them while I could hear," June shrugged. "Maybe it's Lune's influence, though, he has a very strict opinion about family values; or maybe they finally began to take me seriously, when I started to work as accountancy assistant to Pharao Sphinx. Accountancy gets their respect easily."

Seiya remembered the Specter.

"So, you are doing accountancy for Sphinx? Gee..."

"Not exactly. You see, a few days ago Griffin Minos came to Sphinx and told him that our budget is a mess, and we all were a mess as well, and that all this mess altogether needed proper handling. And Pharao, being famed as the professional riddler, was the perfect candidate to become the Chief Accountant of Hell and to deal with the accountancy enigmas. Sure, Pharao wasn't thrilled about it, but he was far too smart to argue with Griffin." June giggled. "First thing Pharao did as Chief Accountant, was cutting Minos' budget. Pharao said that his first duty as accountant was to minimize expenses, and Minos could very well pay for his Armani stuff himself. Minos was enraged -- his expenses made up half the budget --, yet he couldn't go against his own orders...oh, speaking of the devil..."

Seiya followed June's eyes to the advancing vaguely familiar figure with strict angular haircut.

"June," Sphinx carried a heap of papers and looked worried. "I've heard that the Boss is back. Is it true?"

June looked at Seiya, who nodded.

"Great. Any other visitors with him? No? Even greater! I wanted to be here first to show him these cursed balances before the crowd of buggers will come and start to complain." Sphinx looked at Seiya, who was feverishly rumbling through possible answers to the question 'I think we met before...did we?', and asked:

" you know the difference between a piano and a watercloset?"

Seiya, astonished, shook his head.

"You don't? Then how are people able to invite you to their parties?" Sphinx giggled and addressed June in a more serious tone: "Well, wish me luck, assistant. I'm going in." -- and disappeared in the doorframe.

"Don't mind him," June said. "He seems to be unable to forget about his riddles under any circumstances."

Seiya wasn't listening. If one Specter showed up, the others might do that as well soon, and Seiya felt that this day was not meant to meet old friends.

"Listen, any chance, do you know any exit to Earth from here?"

"Sure. In fact, there are several." June looked disappointed. "I could ask Lune to find a suitable job for you here. There are plenty of opportunities to do a career!"

"Thank you very much, but, er, I miss my friends and want to see what's happening on Earth. Maybe later," Seiya added hurriedly, noting that June's face went sad.

"Oh... you are leaving already?" Hades stood in the doorway, dressed in his bathroom gown (black), his hair wrapped into a towel (black). Behind him, one could hear a loud argument between Persephone and Sphinx -- Seiya only understood some of it, it seemed to be about the question what was the prime duty of Hades and what wasn't. The Death God, who apparently used the temporary escape from the crossfire, looked sad and crestfallen.

Seiya felt a wave of pity flooding his heart. The next step in line, he knew, would be the hot urge to defend the meek and abused...

"Well, I really must. Thank you for your company. I really enjoyed our adventure, but now I must go. Sorry." Seiya hurried, preventing his mind to lead him into the next stupidity.

"Then I won't keep you. Feel free to drop in anytime you feel like it." Hades extended his hand, Seiya shook it, unable to resist looking at Hades' eyes one more time. Again, the doubt came. Athena didn't need him anymore, and that was for good. Suicidal quests tended to lose their appeal after a certain number, and these eyes of Hades... and that honey-June babe...

"Adventure? Hades, what did he mean by saying that, be so kind and explain it to me!" Persephone's sharp voice instantly tore Seiya's sweet dreams away. The Goddess herself evidently had won the battle against Sphinx and now pushed Hades away from the doorway. Her look was promising in the worst meaning of this word.

"June, please show me the way!" Luckily, in the presence of mortal danger, Seiya's 7th sense still was able to turn on, providing him with the speed of light.

"Wow! Phew! That's was a rollercoaster ride, Seiya!" June breathed, eyes shining, when Seiya finally stopped and let go of her hand. "Are you really sure you want to leave? I shall miss you..." She flapped her eyelashes, amiably.

The vision of Persephone, solid as a stone wall, firmly sat in Seiya's mind and nastily refused to go away.

"I have to, sweetheart. Duty calls."

"Alright, then..." June sighed. "We are very near to one of the exits, by the way. Be careful, it ends in New York Stock Exchange."

"What's that?"

"Oh, just a small embassy of Hell on Earth. All of our exits are located in places like this, where we won't draw attention. So, farewell, Seiya, and..." June suddenly looked down at her feet, bashfully. "...and kiss me goodbye, will you?"

When Seiya reached the exit after many goodbyes and promises to pay a visit soon, his mood was much brighter and playful. He was alive, he was coming back home, he had made friends with the God of Underworld. What about the relationships with the opposite gender -. well, there was the same old good situation: his fellow Saints could brag about their romantic backgrounds, macho looks and quantities of admirers, but when things hit reality, it always was clear who was the real winner. Life was fun.

End of Chapter 4 -- Go to Chapter 5

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