The Zeus Chapter

© 2001 by Torquemada

"XX Century Hoax"

proudly presents:

"Hades is not enough", or "Seiya never dies"

(The script of the Zeus Chapter, that is perfect for Toei animators to avoid at any cost).

This page was last modified: 2001/01/26


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Chapter 5

Highway from Hell! Hell sighs in relief


 From: Zeus@olympus.org.gr
 To: Hades@Hell.org.gr
 Subj: Favour?...
 Attachment: happy-valentine.scr

 Dear brother,

 I've heard you are back home.  I hope that nothing went wrong.

 Anyway, grab a bottle or two of ambrosia and drop in some
 day, will you?  I think you have got much to tell.

 Right now, could you do me a favour, please?  I really need
 to find the so called Golden or whatever saints of my Athena,
 they are lost in your place.  Not that I care about *them*,
 but Aphrodite is together with them, and I am concerned about
 her.  So if I send Hermes, will you help him in searching?

 Thank you in advance,
 Zeus
 

 From: Hades@Hell.org.gr
 To: Zeus@Olympus.org.gr
 Subj: Re: Favour?...

 Hi,

  > I am concerned about her.  So if I send Hermes, will
  > you help him

 Sure, send him down.  Just please make sure Hermes will
 have something of *only one* (!!!) person for Cerberus to
 sniff.  He sometimes suffers of identity problems with his
 heads, and thus it's better to make sure.

  > in your place.  Not that I care about
  > *them*, but Aphrodite is together with them

 I frankly do not understand why worry.  Aphrodite and a
 bunch of men?  Then it must be Olympus for her!

 By the way, can you lend me some money?  It seems that my
 renovation won't be cheap.  Charon does his best collecting
 coins, but I am afraid that will not be enough.  I promise
 to pay it back immediately after I got on my feet again.

 Hades

 P.S.: Check your antivirus program.  You sent me 'Hybris'.
 

"Shaka, how do you manage to sleep all the time, even here, where it's never dark?" Aphrodite turned from side to side, adjusting and readjusting his cape into a more or less pillow-shaped form. As he didn't take his armor away, the clongs and bangs successfully prevented other Gold Saints from sleeping as well.

"I do not sleep. I meditate," answered Shaka, lazily.

"You talk about that meditation all the time, yet you never care to explain what it really means, by the way."

"Good idea. Shaka, strike a lecture, will you? Maybe this, combined with your voice, will cure our insomnia problems," Deathmask said. He lay next to Milo and had placed his headgear exactly in the place where Milo's legs would be, if he decided to turn to Deathmask's side.

"Well, it is complicated to explain it in a way that even you could understand, nevertheless I shall try. So, meditation is, when one shuts down all one's senses, and stays like that, the mind is totally empty, the brain is clear and unused..."

"Sounds like your everyday, Milo," Deathmask murmured.

"Oh, really..." Milo answered, wearily, but, to the great disappointment of Deathmask, he didn't turn. The Gold Saints apparently went on each others' nerves to the end of the route. Deathmask sighed and promised himself to work harder on his skills.

Silence came and lasted a whole nine seconds.

"Aphrodite, please stop banging that armour of yours." Mu's muffled voice tore it away. Mu occupied a position right under floating Shaka to get a bit of the twilight and had his helmet pulled over his eyes. "Here people are trying to get some sleep, if you don't mind?"

"Is it not me, Mu!" Aphrodite sounded offended. "Why does everyone blame me for everything?"

"Then who?"

"How should I know? It comes from the distance."

"I see...what?!"

The Gold Saints, all as one, lifted their heads.

"Ouch! Mu!"

"Sorry, Shaka."

Until this moment, the only sound the Gold Saints heard in this place, was the noise they produced themselves, and the change of the circumstances kindled a new hope to escape. The Saints got up and moved to the new sound's direction, silently and cautiously -- the view of three helmetless Saints still reminded them of certain unexpected dangers.

Carefully, they peeked over the corner (corners exist everywhere, even in the most obscure places. Just sometimes they can go invisible, when not needed -- one of General Principles of Universe).

The view was intriguing.

Several bodies lay on the ground. Their poses and facial expressions said they were in corpse state. However, three figures were still upright and fighting madly with each other. Right behind them, there was a table stuffed with a variety of things. Chewed-on bones and spilled liquid firmly dominated.

Behind this quaint table, there sat a big man with a sticky and messy beard, horned helmet on his head, a human skull in his hand and a wide, silly grin on his face. Time after time, he sipped something from the skull -- and with each sip, his grin went wider and sillier, and the beard stickier and messier. In the gaps between his sips, he watched the fight with interest.

Currently, two of the fighters were on some kind of a temporary coalition and pressed the third fighter so fiercely, that the poor one was forced to step back until his bottom leaned against the table.

"Hey, that's not fair!" Aphrodite whispered, hotly. The cornered fighter was a delicate and handsome boy, and -- according to Aphrodite's code of law -- such specimen mustn't be wasted so stupidly. "We should help this poor boy!"

Shura, whose lip still ached after the encounter with the neighbourhood dimension's cruel barbarians, silently dragged Aphrodite back and covered his mouth with his hand to silence him.

Meanwhile, the guy, cornered against the table, feverishly rumbled over it with one hand, frowning in utter disgust, when he hit another pool of sticky liquid, while he kept an eye on his opponents at the same time. These two surrounded the cornered fighter, slowly and teasingly, apparently all sure in their victory.

One of the biggest mistakes of bad guys is that they cannot resist to pause and gloat over an enemy they consider already defeated. It is utmostly unwise to behave like that, for the enemy always might be inventive. In this particular case, all the enemy had was -- for some reason -- a lyre, and all he could reach were the bones on the table. And bones are hard, while lyres have got strings.

"Good shot," approved Aiolos, with the respect of one pro to another, when the bone hit one of the attackers directly between his eyes. His former ally used the situation immediately, knocked and trampled the poor blinded guy down, and now the lyre archer and he were facing each other.

The attacker grinned viciously, as the archer's face radiated an honest 'Oh shit...', which described the situation precisely, because the attacker was about four time bigger and to hit him good was quite a task.

"Mmm-mmm-mmmm-m!" Aphrodite tried to struggle free, as the big guy seized the archer by his hair, dragged him closer, and twisted his hands high over his head, thus leaving the archer disarmed.

Well, not exactly. The teeth of the lyre archer were now positioned at the attacker's groin level.

When the big attacker realized the fatality of his mistake, it was already too late. And finally, the lyre guy stood triumphant and victorious on the battlefield, alone. Then he turned to the bearded chap behind the table, and bowed.

The beard clapped his hands, thunderously.

"Alright, this time's winner is Mime! Now, all get up, quickly! Quickly, I said! The drink is out, the food is out, the valkyries are hell knows where, and you are lying here like a bunch of crocodiles!"

The corpses, one by one, rose up in front of the shocked Gold Saints. The corpses themselves, however, didn't look shocked at all.

"Well, that was a nice piece of entertainment," Deathmask said with admiration. "Even better than that mad chap who tried to get at us with a chainsaw and whom you, Shura, calmed down."

"The one, who yelled something about he hasn't saved before this sucking situation before he passed out? Yeah, I do. I still wonder what he meant by saying that," Shura said.

"The first corpse does the dish-washing!" yelled the bone-struck guy. With a deep sigh, one of the former corpses collected the skulls from the table and with all this unsteady pile rushed directly towards the Gold Saints.

Maybe the swaying skull tower was the reason, or maybe the hair, which covered one eye of the guy completely, but he slammed directly into the front row of Gold Saints. The skulls rolled down and around with a happy rattle.

"Damn," the guy muttered and started to pick the things up, paying no attention to the Goldies. Considering his previous occupation, it was not strange at all. There would have to be much more efforts put into scaring such a freak.

Aphrodite estimated the skull carrier, and obviously he found him interesting, for with an 'Oh, poor devil...let me help you!' he bent down to the scattered skulls.

One of the skulls rolled and hit Aiolia's boot. Aiolia picked the thing up and looked at it, frowning.

"I wonder... They drink from these things, right? Then how do they manage to do it? As I see it the liquid must spill out through the eyeholes."

"Hey, wake up, big boy!" the skull moved its jaws. "This is the Underworld, not your reality, remember? Anything's possible here!"

Aiolia stared at the skull in awe. The skull grinned back (it didn't have much choice. Being a skull means, that your amount of facial expressions is quite limited).

"Why, you are right," Aiolia finally shrugged. "This is still bloody Hell. Why not talking skulls and dish-washing corpses?"

"Excuse me!" the dish-washer snatched the skull off Aiolia's finger and glared a poisonous green one-eyed look at him. Aiolia felt slightly heavy in the stomach and silently thanked the gods that the other eye was covered. "I think someone gave you the wrong direction. This is heaven. Hell is five storeys down, the elevator at the first turn to the left. Now, excuse me, I've got a job to do."

Aiolia looked dumbly at the back of the retreating guy. The skull on the pile's top winked at him.

"So, this is some kind of heaven," Saga said, after a pause. "Anyone wants to explore how their Hell looks like? No? Then let's get out of here, immediately. To the right."

This time there were no arguments.

"I'd say, we already faced the dimension of madmen, the paradise of madmen and the lone madman with a chainsaw." Deathmask was thinking loudly on their way to particularly nowhere. "Whatever will happen next, I won't be surprised at all."

Almost immediately he was proven wrong, when the huge, ugly three-headed monster with three sets of big sharp teeth and six tiny, mad ember-eyes emerged from the void and, with a growl, leaped on Aphrodite.

It wasn't that the monster had caught Deathmask unprepared: as a frequent visitor of Hell, he witnessed the whole variety of them, and this one could fit only in 14th position (right after Shiryu) of "Deathmask's Incredibly Ugly Monsters Top 20".

The monster's behavior -- it was waging it's tail madly, jumping around Aphrodite, whimpering, panting, sometimes rolling on it's back and waggling all four paws in the air, constantly attempting to lick Aphrodite with all three big, red and sticky tongues -- and all the time drooling, drooling, drooling -- was counted by Deathmask only as 'amusing'.

What really astonished Deathmask, was Aphrodite's behavior.

"Oh Cerberus, you bad boy!" Aphrodite made the face and the voice of 5 year old girl, who just had encountered Saint-Bernard puppy, and tousled the monster's spiky fur, ignorant of both lolling tongues and 5 inch long teeth. "How did you find me, pretty? Oh, good boy, I missed you, too! What a pity I do not have a boney for my little puppy... Should I go back to Madmen's paradise and bring a boney for my little sweet puppy?"

"You shouldn't," Saga recovered after the first shock. "But what you should is to explain to us what is that thing, what is it doing there, and how a Gold Saint of Athena happens to be friends with such...such..."

"Oh, come on, Saga, this is Cerberus, he only looks scary. Actually he's just a peaceful and shy puppy, really! And he is our way out, guys!" Aphrodite fought to get on his feet in a hail of excited paws and slobbering tongues. "Get off me, you big soppy!"

"Oh, and how is this going to happen? Through his digestion system?" Deathmask inquired, nastily.

"In your case, that would the perfect way to go! But unfortunately, you will be needed, when Cerberus -- whozagoodboy, den?.. -- will lead us out to the casual Hell. And there you, Deathmask, will finally be of some use."

"What an honour for me...and what if I don't...?"

"Woof!"

"Alright, alright! Have you got no sense of humour?"

End of Chapter 5 -- Go to Chapter 6


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