The Zeus Chapter

© 2001 by Torquemada

"XX Century Hoax"

proudly presents:

"Hades is not enough", or "Seiya never dies"

(The script of the Zeus Chapter, that is perfect for Toei animators to avoid at any cost).

This page was last modified: 2001/05/07


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Chapter 7

Objection, Your Honor! Kanon Crusoe and Friday, 13th.


 From: Zeus@olympus.org.gr
 To: Hades@hell.org.gr
 Subj: Maybe another favor, please?

 Dear Hades,

 Many thanks for your help!  Hermes and Cerberus have found
 those people, but you probably know this already.  I was
 really surprised, though, when Aphrodite refused to go back
 to Olympus.  It seems that she still wants to keep her
 disguise for some time.  But she is mature and married woman
 and can make her own independent decisions.

 I made a transfer to your account.  That's not much, but
 this is all I had on my private account.  I cannot cash my
 official one, because Hera will immediately find out, she
 has a feeling for such things -- but you know her yourself.

 In the meantime, I feel ashamed to use your generosity when
 you are in such a complicated situation, but could you do
 me another favor, please?  This time I want to trace and
 retrieve someone who is stuck in some unknown dimension.
 Maybe you have got a spare dimensional specialist there in
 Hell?  I know there comes a variety of people to you, so
 maybe there is a chance.  I would appreciate your help very
 much.

 I hope you are not too mad at my little Athena due to this
 puny accident.  She's not a bad girl, but she is sometimes
 so hot-headed.

 Oh, and can you send me that Kamasutris game again?  Hera
 found and deleted it.

 Hugs and regards,
 Zeus.
 

 From: Hades@hell.org.gr
 To: Zeus@olympus.org.gr
 Subj: RE: Maybe another favor, please?
 Attachment: tetris.zip

 Howdy, bro,

 Thanks a lot for the money!  I appreciate any sum I can
 get.

 > she wants to keep her disguise for some time
 See?  I told you!

 > I hope you are not too mad at my little Athena due to
 >this puny accident
 Take it easy.  Of course I am not angry.  Kids, they are
 kids everywhere -- remember the time when Hypnos and
 Thanatos were kids and how they switched places on April
 Fool's day?  Now, *that* was what I call 'trouble'.  Your
 Athena is an example of obedience and duty, compared to them
 two brats.

 > but could you do me another favor, please?  This time
 > I want to trace and
 Fortunately, I have got something in mind, and almost know
 how to help you.  Just don't take too long, will you?  It
 seems that one of my Judges, Rhadamanthys, went for some
 secret dimensional vacation and is nowhere to be found, so
 I need to get him back as well.

 Best wishes,
 Hades.
 

"Rhadamanthys! I've run out of fresh socks!"

The Wyvern Spectre looked up from his organizer, where he was writing down something, and scowled at his involuntary companion.

"What relevance is this event to my person?"

"I am obliged to remind you, Rhadamanthys, that it is your duty to do the laundry," Sea Dragon Kanon answered, sweetly.

"Objection! I had two extra latrine duties and one extra duty of cooking, did I not?"

"Overruled." The time spent with this high rank judge of the Underworld had been enough for Kanon to understand and even to learn his language a bit. "The defendant has lost the aforementioned three duties in a poker game, which took place eight local time units equivalent to Earthian days ago. The council can present all needed exhibits, including the note with the defendant's signature, if asked to."

"Please the court, the prosecutor was playing with a marked deck," Rhadamanthys mumbled, sulkily.

"Objection! The witness is speculating with no evidence!" Kanon raised his voice.

Rhadamanthys sighed, but closed his organizer and got up.

"On question one, will the defendant go and do the bloody laundry, I answer yes."

He headed towards the door, stopped in his tracks and added before leaving:

"Off the record. Kanon, you are a real bastard!"

"Hey!" Kanon shouted to the retreating Spectre. "And who has to do all the electrician jobs, because someone has a phobia, eh?"

Rhadamanthys ignored this, or maybe he did not hear for real.

The worst days of Cabin Fever had gone by and were followed by a period of ignoring and avoiding each other as thoroughly as possible. Now, they were in that state of relationship, when the advantages and vices were disclosed, the personalities accustomed to each other, and the dull chores overcame everything (which is what usually happens to couples on their second or third year of marriage). So Kanon, who previously thought he was going to be sick every time he saw Wyvern Spectre, admitted to himself, that, despite of his annoying way to talk, Rhadamanthys was definitely not the worst possible case.

While exploring the place soon after their arrival, he stumbled upon some big book with the writing "Guestbook" on it and spent a few educative hours browsing through it. The last inscription he found especially amusing: "Dear Mime! Remember when I called you the worst musician in the world? Now I see how terribly wrong I was to you. Wherever you are, please forgive me. Siegfried."

Kanon didn't know who that Siegfried was, but he had some strong suspicions whom he was referring to, so he could not refrain from adding: "Siegfried, your words are Holy True. I hope you did not suffer long. Sea Dragon Kanon." Rhadamanthys at least did not play any musical instrument...

"Please the Court, Wyvern Rhadamanthys calls Sea Dragon Kanon on account of an extraordinary event, which currently is taking place," the worried voice of Rhadamanthys ruined Kanon's memories. Rhadamanthys never shouted and never raised his voice, nevertheless, it was perfectly audible from everywhere. He was a true master of his profession.

Kanon automatically translated the phrase into human language and received "Kanon, hurry here, I found something new!"

New? In this place? After so much bored waiting? Kanon shot out of the room with lightning speed -- and yes. There was something new indeed. A whole two units of something new.

Something new in the quantity of two units floated in the air in front of worried Rhadamanthys like... well, the definition 'angels' asked to be utteres, if not for one small detail: angels usually did not have the custom to expose their bodies so shamelessly, whatever nice ones they might possess. And the pair of legs that drew Kanon's attention and resisted to let go was no doubt the most stunning pair of legs he had ever seen in his life. Even the long boots that ended somewhere in half-thigh area could not hide it. The rest of it, visible between the boots and mini-skirt (which was so mini that it rather deserved to be called a maxi-shirt) only confirmed the impression.

The face of the mini-skirted angel which was equally pretty and framed in red hair, which had that natural 'I am just out of bed' look, that could only be achieved by a few patient hours in a master hairdresser's chair, changed into a furious grimace with Kanon's appearance, and with a growl 'You!', the mini-skirt dashed at Kanon, clawing at his throat.

Actually, Kanon was quite used to situations when completely unfamiliar people all of a sudden charged him with lots of curses and tried to murder him afterwards, so he had a line prepared for them. Only this particular stranger, or rather his legs, distracted him and thus caught him unprepared. Yet, Kanon still had a chance to put everything the right way.

"I am terribly sorry," he croaked, trying to loosen mini-skirt's grip, "but you obviously mistook me for my twin brother. Since I am not informed about his relationships, please address all complaints directly to him. Thank you."

"What?" mini-skirt uttered, doubtfully, but the grip on Kanon's throat was slightly released.

"The suspect really does have a twin brother," prompted Rhadamanthys. "This is my testimony."

"Um..." Mini-skirt looked thoughtfully at Kanon and asked, "Your name is Saga, isn't it?"

"No," Kanon breathed. "Kanon's my name. Saga is my twin brother's name."

"I testify," Rhadamanthys added, gravely.

"Oh..." Mini-skirt looked slightly ashamed. "Sorry, then. You really look alike."

"Of course we do!" Kanon grunted irritatedly, and coughed. "We are bloody twins! Now, would you mind to take your hands off my neck and yourself off me in general? Many thanks in advance!"

"Oh, sure," Mini-skirt got up (by this disclosing his blue underpants with white daisies to Kanon's view) and bashfully extended his hand, helping Kanon to stand up.

"And now," Kanon said, panting, "after this close informal introduction, may we know who the hell are you?"

"Yes," Rhadamanthys said. "Would you state your full name and occupation for the record, please?"

"What record?" The second invader, who was still floating in the air, frowned suspiciously. "Are we on Candid Camera?"

Kanon paid attention to him -- he wore an ankle-long narrow skirt, which looked much more decent than his companion's mini on the first sight -- unless one noticed two side-cuts through the all length of the skirt, and understood that this 'angel' was in fact an even bigger teaser. Kanon decided that it should be forbidden for men to wear such provoking clothes. Especially in front of other men. Especially of ones who spent a long time in an isolated place with no females.

"Relax," he said, more to himself than to the 'angel'. "He's a lawyer, that's the way they talk."

"Ah," mini-skirt said in relief. "Then we did get the right address."

"Answer the question, please," Rhadamanthys reminded him.

"No problem." Mini-skirt looked at him amused. "Jaoh Lynx, freelancer."

"Coma Berenice, same occupation."

"Nice to meet you. My name you already know, and the lawyer over there is Wyvern Rhadamanthys."

"How do you do," Coma Berenice deigned to float down and nodded towards Rhadamanthys. "They really are the guys we are searching, Jaoh."

"Enough mysteries!" Kanon cut in. He started to feel annoyed by the situation. "Since you guys are so well informed about our persons, would you care to clear the situation for us as well? There can be no productive conversation when only one part knows what is going on, don't you agree?"

"Yes," Rhadamanthys added. "Coma Berenice, Jaoh Lynx, do you solemnly swear that the testimony you will give in the local Minor Court will be truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you your chosen deity?"

Jaoh and Coma looked at each other, then at Kanon, who shrugged, like saying 'I told you'.

"As you wish," Coma said, and they swore.

Rhadamanthys flushed; Kanon counted about six swearwords he did not know and tried to memorize them.

"That's enough, or more?" Jaoh asked, eventually.

"Sufficient," Kanon hurried. "Now, let's get to the point, will we?"

"Right," Jaoh said. "Let Atlas explain, he's our boss, after all...Atlas? Hey, Atlas? Now where is he?"

The two turned around a few times, confusedly.

"I cannot believe this," Coma moaned. "He let us down. He let us down in such a situation. Now wait till I come and get you, Atlas, and then you'll pay just for everything!"

"Maybe he has lost the way?" Jaoh said diffidently.

"Him, lost? Do you really believe this? He knows all those dimensional passages and backdoors way better than we do! That's why he's the boss, remember?"

"Excuse me again, friends," Kanon interfered. "But if you are discussing some member of your team, he simply could not get here. These are the rules of this place."

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Can't you read?" Kanon inquired nastily, and pointed somewhere backwards. "It is sometimes worthy to get some news about the place you are going before rushing there aimlessly."

Jaoh and Coma stared at he big neon sign, which, like Sanctuary's Clock, had the feature that it could be seen from anywhere.

It said: "Transit Station For Characters Who Come In Pairs. Enjoy your stay here!" And below, in smaller script: "Keep the place tidy on leaving. Don't forget about those who will arrive after you."

"What is this?" Jaoh stuttered.

"Exactly what it says," Kanon explained. "The place for unfortunates who leave Earth in pairs. Accordingly, they all get here -- and of course in the quantity of two. That's what happened to us -- I seized this Spectre and launched into the random dimension, thinking that we both would die, and only later realized that, since we are directly out of Hades, dying seems to be quite impossible -- and at the next moment we were here. Both of us. Simple."

"Oh great, another limited dimension," sighed Coma. Then his eyes widened with delayed surprise. "What pairs? What are you hinting at? We are no couple!"

Jaoh nodded hurriedly.

"Do we look like a couple, you idiots?" Kanon roared. Limited ability of thinking always drove him out of self-control. "All I'm saying is that people get here in pairs, that means a number, two! Two, do you know such a number? And no relationship is compulsory! Are you dumb or what?"

"Yes, we are," Coma nodded proudly. Kanon gaped at him speechlessly. "We are D.U.M.B. -- Dimensional Universal Mercenary Brigade."

Kanon overcame a strong wish to stuck his ears with his fingers to prevent his boiling brain from spilling out. Apparently, it came the time for him to remember the days he spent training the fresh-formed squad of Marinas.

"Alright. D.U.M.B., I should've guessed. Everything's fine," he said slowly and deliberately. "Now, what we will do next, is: You, Jaoh, go back to wherever you came from and ask your boss to come here, too. And you stay there yourself, because both of you could not get here. Understand?"

"Why me?" Jaoh bristled.

"Because I asked you," Kanon said, the sweetness of his voice was nearly giving him tooth decay. "It is really very easy: go back, fetch the boss, stay there and wait. OK?"

Jaoh thought about the possibility to be left alone in the company of those two weirdos, and decided that the task was easy indeed. Apparently, Coma was on the same line of thinking, for he shouted, "Oh, I can do it alright!", but was too late. Jaoh had already dematerialized.

"Perfect," Kanon congratulated himself. "Now, can we just hope that this Atlas won't be such a Dimensional Universal Mercenary Bugger like these two.

Coma, now outmatched, decided to keep quiet. He floated up to the relatively save height, and sat on the air, throwing one leg upon another. His skirt dropped the last illusion of decency.

"I object to this insulting provocation against morality. We are manipulated by this witness," Rhadamanthys whispered to Kanon.

"Sustained," Kanon whispered back. That was the first time when he and Rhadamanthys reached some consensus.

Fortunately, they were not tortured for long. After about an hour later, another figure materialized in front of them. He had similar looks which consisted of extreme slimness, long legs, a mini-skirt and jagged armor. All this plus a mane of yellow cuddly hair gave Kanon a strong impression of a dandelion.

"What is going on here?" he demanded, looking around.

"Atlas, isn't it?" Kanon ventured.

"Maybe," the dandelion glanced at him. "Jaoh complained there were some problems around, weren't they?"

The little lecture about the specifics of this given universe was repeated.

"I see," Atlas nodded. He seemed to catch it at the first attempt. That hopefully meant either that he was smarter or that Kanon's way to talk like he was addressing somebody 7 years old, proved to be sucessful. Kanon secretly hoped for the latter. Too smart opponents were no good.

"Now," Atlas continued, "I suppose you wish to hear who we are and how we got here?"

"Not really," Kanon shrugged. "We already know who you are, and we don't care at all how did you get here."

Atlas turned around dumbfounded. Kanon felt a strange compulsion to be merciful and added:

"But we actually would like to know why are you here and what do you want from us. Fancy a cup of tea?"

"Hum...any other options?"

A few hours later, in the station's kitchen:

"...and then, and then it goes 'Boom!', I close my eyes, I open them -- and here we are in Hell, all three! And there's some bugger in front of us with a, thingy, whip and holding a, wossname, book underarm, and he says 'Welcome to Hades', and we say 'Bugger off, we wanna go home', and then he says 'Hold your horses, your contracts are not over', and we say 'Sod you, they are', and he then shoves us our, er... wossname, contracts, right under our noses, and there is that small thingy in the end of each one, in tiny letters... app...appendix, yeah," Atlas waved his hands widely in the air, toppling a few empty bottles of whiskey. "And here it goes, that we cannot go home, and even cannot go to that dork who hired us and explain him with the heaviest possible arguments, that you bastard better get a regular army of faithful loons if you can't afford mercenaries, coz it's not fair to cheat on people with tricky contracts, if you have no money to pay them! That's a freaking crime, and I mean it!"

"...'twas Lune," Rhadamanthys nodded knowingly.

"Whazzat?" Atlas and Coma glowered at him.

"The contract. Lune's style, mind you. He's a pro in tricky business contracts, he is."

"Is he?" Atlas said, menacingly. "But no worries, mate. I'll talk with him after we return. Thanks for informing us."

"You welcome. Cheers."

Kanon listened, quietly, caressing his glass and putting in mind everything he heard. It was always reasonable to have a straight picture of the situation, in case he needed to take advantage of it.

"I'd say, why to go back to him? I, well, thought that you'd be happy to get rid of this Hell business," he guided the conversation in the needed direction.

"Good question, mate!" Atlas hit him on the shoulder, overturning some more bottles. "That Lune guy, he came to us after that, thingy, revolution in Hell, and offered us to trace and bring back some pain in the arse and runaway judge -- that was his words, not mine, incidentally," he grinned happily. "And he said Hell would cover our expenses on that previous burned deal, and we'd also get a load of money for this one. So...what I was on? ...Ah, mates, you better go pack your stuff and wave goodbye to this place!"

"But I don't want to," Rhadamanthys said sullenly. The liquor affected him as well, changing his way to speak from lawyer to human. "I never had a vacation in my entire life. And I left my files unlocked in the hurry and mess of that war -- no doubt that these weasels Minos and Aiacos have already stolen my clientele."

"C'mon, Rhad, I know you really do not mean that. You want to go home, really. This quiet lifestyle is not for you, you're the fighter! Besides, I don't believe you are going to surrender to Minos and Aiacos and let them own anything that belongs to you," Kanon's rhapsody was persuasive enough to make even himself nearly believe in it. Kanon knew he had a gift to convince people to believe in anything, and he never hesitated to use it. However, not to use it when dealing with people who signed business contracts with Lune twice, was a sin in Kanon's opinion. If he wasted such a chance, he would lose all his self-respect.

"Oh, I dunno. Maybe you are right," Rhadamanthys said reluctantly.

"Of course he's right, mate!" Atlas flashed a cheery drunken grin. "You'd better listen to what your clever friend says, Mr.Lawyer."

"Thank you for your support," Kanon smiled tenderly. "Now, Rhadamanthys dear, let's go back and show 'em all, shall we?"

"But aren't we supposed to clean around a bit?" Rhadamanthys still resisted weakly; his natural born lawyer sense of 'I-smell-something-fishy' was not vanquished completely even by the excess of liquor.

"Oh please... leave it, Rhad. Don't you remember what this place looked like when we just arrived? Nowhere to put your feet on, due to all of those beer cans. We tidied after the previous occupants, and that's enough, if you ask me," Kanon kept pressing, cheerfully.

If there would have been any of Poseidon's Marinas in the company, in this moment they already would be desperately running for cover with wild horror in their eyes. Kanon was nice. So nice that for anyone knowing him, it rang a bell loudly and clearly that Kanon was hastily collecting all of his nastiness for later.

But neither Rhadamanthys, nor D.U.M.B. suspected anything, and the little and unstable -- literally -- company finally mounted into the journey back home -- through numbers of various universes and dimensions that only D.U.M.B. knew the walkthrough.

And in some nameless universe Kanon suddenly stopped, nearly knocking down Coma, who was carrying him, looked around and announced loudly:

"I say! This dimension I know, and from there I can find the way myself. Thank you for giving me the lift, but now I must bid you farewell."

"What do you think you..." Coma began, eyes and mouth wide open in surprise -- and next they widened even more, when Kanon kicked him into the crotch.

Coma bent double, gasping and cursing his flawed armour without vital protections; all he could do was to watch passively how Kanon's blue mane vanished into the neighbourhood dimension.

His cheerful yell "Adieu, D.U.M.B.-arses!" soon echoed away as well.

"Lucky bastard," Rhadamanthys said enviously. "I should attend the lectures of dimensional travelling myself. Wanted to do that long time ago, but I was always so busy..."

"Oh, shut up!" grunted Atlas, who sobered all of a sudden and against his will, and violently shook the Spectre, whom he had to carry. "You better don't try to do the same, or else you get me really angry! And Coma -- you are a natural idiot, of course, but I hope everything will be alright, despite your efforts to ruin it. That bugger has nowhere to go than to his home dimension, anyway -- that's where we are going, too. We were told to get him into that dimension, so the bloody contract will be kinda fulfilled. Nobody told us to carry him personally... But that doesn't mean we are going to let you escape, hear me?" and he squeezed Rhadamanthys even tighter.

"Not that I was going to..." Rhadamanthys said reproachfully.

* * *

At first, Kanon thought about going to Sanctuary, but then he changed his mind. After the Athena Exclamation the place's existence was questionable, so Kanon decided the time had come to visit his previous boss.

There was a mere chance that Poseidon wouldn't be particularly happy and hospitable seeing him, though. Nevertheless, Kanon was all sure that he would get by. After all, he always did, even in Sanctuary after the Poseidon war -- well, not counting the little accident with Milo. But even then, the Scorpio Saint gave up, eventually and healed the wounds that he caused (altogether, ignorant for himself, curing Kanon's dandruff, which he got from the years of head-washing with salty water. Among Milo's many vices, precision and carefulness never were present in the list). Thus Kanon decided he could count this for a victory.

He aimed to materialize on the path, leading to Solo house, and landed just in front of some slender figurine, who was peacefully walking the path. Kanon's appearance naturally caused him to stop.

Kanon glared at the figurine, a naughty feeling called nostalgia overflowing his heart. That lavender hair, those unique eyes like two raspberries...yet, since there were some dimensions that could look alike, he decided to perform a "100% make sure" test.

He shot his hands forward in classical 'Living Dead' pose and barked, hoarsely:

"Boo!"

"Ack!" Siren Sorrento jumped a few meters backwards, gripping his heart. The tiny beads of sweatdrops decorated his hair and forehead.

Kanon smiled, triumphantly. He was at home -- and nothing much had changed there.

End of Chapter 7 -- Go to Chapter 8


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