The Zeus Chapter

© 2007 by Torquemada

"XX Century Hoax"

proudly presents:

"Hades is not enough", or "Seiya never dies"

(The script of the Zeus Chapter, that is perfect for Toei animators to avoid at any cost).

This page was last modified: 2007/03/29

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Chapter 10

Big Bad Business Plan! Hermes starts to act.

"Which exactly part of 'No' did you not understand, Ares?" Aphrodite strolled, grimly, towards his temple, taking two steps at a time. He was followed by Marin, who's hair shone the indigo blue under the hot afternoon sun. "Maybe it suits you that your wife has wanton reputation in the radius of whole Sanctuary, but it definitely does not suit me."

"But honey!" Marin kept pressing, cursing violently every time, when her feet, now unaccustomed to high heels, stumbled over the steps. "We must not waste such a chance, no way! I never was in a woman before...well, not in that way, at least, so I don't want to miss such opportunity, darling! Please?"

"Oh yes, it will be just a new experience for you," Aphrodite said, sarcastically. "And who will explain all this for Aiolia, and be sure he'll want some answers! Of course, old Aphro, she's smart and used to get by!"

"Marin won't tell Aiolia anything," Ares said in suspiciously sweet voice. "Guess what I just found in her mind? That she keeps the old irresistible dream about you, and she wouldn't mind at all, if you...well, you know."

"Exactly the same you've been telling about Mu. I wonder why then he broke in, later, into my Temple for satisfaction?"

"Maybe he haven't had enough," Marin-Ares giggled, but immediately hushed under flat look of his wife. "Anyway, I did protect you then, remember?"

"Just because your next incarnation was Aldebaran," Aphrodite said, scornfully.

The next argument of Ares was left unsaid, since somebody materialized right on his path, and he (she?...), dragged by the acceleration (which was greatly supported by unfortunate high heels skill -- or, rather, skill's absence), painfully bumped into the freshly turned up apparition.

"Hey, stupid! Watch where are you teleporting, you!" Ares clenched his fist, ready to react like usually, i.e. hit the obstacle hard and painful, but then the recognition dawned on him.

"Hermes? You? What are you doing here?"

"Kyrie, Ares!" the messenger of the Gods said, cheerfully. "You look great -- and what nice..." he unwillingly moved his stare up to the face level, "...mask. Oh, and be praised Aphrodite, the most beautiful blossom among the gods and mortals!"

"Hello to you too, Hermes," Aphrodite said, pleasantly. She felt a soft spot for Hermes (although the gossips about hers and Hermes's 'close friendship' described it in slightly different definitions), and she always appreciated his skill of pretty words.

"So what did you say you are doing here?" Ares repeated bluntly. Exactly the same aforesaid reasons heavily added to the mutual hate-hate relationship between him and his brother. Like any husband, utterly dense in the field of compliments, he was highly intolerant to any male who dared to compliment his wife.

"Oh, but you know, Ares. My duties and so on," Hermes shrugged. "I'm here to take your letter and deliver it to Hera."

"What letter?" Ares grumbled. "I never write any letters to mother."

"That's the point!" Hermes grinned. "You never write, you never call, you seldom visit your mom, and you can't imagine how sad she is about that. It is not nice to upset your mom, Ares. You are, after all, her favorite kid, she loves you more than anyone, and, just imagine, how she sits there all alone and abandoned, in Olympus..."

"Not alone. Dad's there, too," Ares tried to object, but to stop Hermes, the god of orators among other stuff, in the middle of his favorite path of sentimental speeches, was utterly impossible.

"...all alone and abandoned; all her thoughts are about her little precious boy -- how is he? Is he feeling well? Is he unharmed? I haven't heard from him for so long, maybe he's sick and helpless somewhere?...Sadness fills her heart, a bitter lonely tear leaves the hot path on her cheek, and her eyes look deep into the mists of heavens; only when the postman knocks, those sorrowful eyes are filled with life and desperate hope -- maybe now? Maybe, finally? But no...nothing. Another time, nothing. And she returns to the waiting..."

"Alright, alright!" Ares rolled his eyes and made a face, influence of which was ungratefully spoiled by Marin's mask. "I’ll go and do that bloody letter, okay? Just knock it off!!!"

He clumsily turned to go; his plans to spend an interesting evening with Aphrodite was completely forgotten, thanks to the heavy emotional load from Hermes. Now all that he wanted was to be somewhere in any place where there was no Hermes.

The messenger of the gods giggled a bit over the retreating clumsy figure, congratulated himself on account of an easy victory and turned to Aphrodite.

"And now, little sis, when we got rid of this sieve for secrets, lets talk business. I have some nice plan here, you see, and I feel I could use a helping hand..."

Some time later, all the habitants of Sanctuary received a note via telepathy about the new ruler of Sanctuary -- and that this new ruler wanted to see them all in Popery's Conference Hall at 7 p.m.

At 9 p.m., last of the Saints guiltily sneaked (some puny months without Athena, and they're totally at loose, Hermes thought, disgusted) -- and the presentation began.

"Dear colleagues," Hermes said. "First, allow me to introduce myself -- I am Hermes, the Messenger of the Gods, MG in short, and the God myself. Currently, I also am CEO of Sanctuary Enterprise -- as you all know, your dear patron Athena took a long term vacation and decided to extend it even more, and as the sacred place is never empty," he giggled over his pun; some more polite Saints made polite smiles, more for mercy on him rather than for anything else, "and this way Zeus --he's a chief god in our parts, if you didn't know -- assigned me to this position. And there I must point out, dear colleagues, that what I found on arrival didn't please me at all. I may even say, I was very, very disappointed -- and ashamed for all of you!" he added a pitch of displeasure to his voice. The wave of nervous whisper ran through the audience.

"Yes, dear colleagues! This Sanctuary, let me say it unglossed, is a good for nothing place. Silence!!! Sad, but unfortunately true. In fact, I see no reason at all to allow its miserable existence any more, when I came and saw that the former warriors of Athena were shamelessly lazing around, all sank in vices and forbidden pleasures -- no, I won't give the names. Nor addresses, either, and lets get serious there!" -- a disappointed whisper in the audience -- "I seriously doubt if Sanctuary as it is now is needed for the world at all..." -- the enraged whisper -- "silence, I said! Luckily, being the God of business, I know what an effect may be casted on world economy by producing so many unemployed, thus I put some efforts and business thinking, and I'm proud to present you the plan how to transform this Sanctuary into the profitable enterprise. To achieve this, colleagues, we must make Sanctuary a popular place, representing the values of Olympus -- and the solution is show business! Yes, the future belongs to the show business! And the world is full of idle tourists with stuffed wallets, and there is our chance both to promote Sanctuary and entertain people, collecting our benefits on the way. But to make this dream to come true, we all must try hard! Here I wrote some tasks and duties for every one of you -- no thanks, please, it's my job -- you will get them after the meeting is over. There is a whole long evening to read it and get accustomed to your new responsibilities. If any question arise -- my doors are always open. The meeting is over, thank you and have a nice evening."

Next morning, very irritated Perseus Algol bumped into very upset Andromeda Shun on Popery's staircase.

"I want you to understand very clear," immediately, Algol yelled, skipping any civilized intro into the conversation. "I ain't going to move my butt to save you from any possible sea monster, and I'll be damned if I'll ever marry you, got it?!"

"You think I like this?" Shun said in a tearful voice. "If you think...snif...I sleep and dream about myself being married to you, you are very wrong! And besides, if you think you have a tricky part, what can I say then about being chained to the rock in the tide? I had it once, and I really do not wish to repeat it ever again, thank you very much."

"Alright, then I'll gleefully watch you hanging there and applause to any monster attempting to chew you," growled Algol.

"At least you got dramatic roles," grunted Cassios, approaching from behind. "But me, fluttering cheerfully in some room with mirror walls and chanting 'Gosh, I'm so adorable, I'm the most beautiful in the world'? Why did I deserve this? Because I'm the only one who's name reminds Cassiopeia? I tell you what -- that Hermes can take this reason and shove it where sun doesn't shine!"

"And where it is?" Shun asked.

"Oh dear," Perseus said, when he recovered after being stricken dumb by this naiveness attack. "I begin to worry, seriously, about the health of that sea monster who'll try to eat you. If he won't choke on your halo, he surely will get teeth decay."

"I have no intention to eat him," announced Dragon Shiryu, who, in the company of Hyoga, was advancing the group. "I am, if you didn't know, a vegetarian."

"See no problem there," Algol said. "He's got a personality of a plant."

Shun started to sniffle.

"And you'll save on salt," Algol added.

"Hey!" Phoenix Ikki emerged on the upper landing of the staircase and glowered down to Algol. "Got any problems, down there?"

"Before you have shown up? Yes, we do," Algol dodged. He was brave fighter, but also experienced (death including) one, and knew how dangerous it was to mess with Ikki in his brother-protective mood, so he recognized the time to retreat.

"Anyway, I said what I think, I have nothing to add, and I'm leaving," Algol announced. "Bon appetite," he yet remarked, passing by Shiryu.

"Look...I've heard there was someone called Leda in your training camp," meanwhile, Hyoga addressed Shun.

"That's right," Shun nodded. Ikki's presence cast its usual soothing effect.

"So" Hyoga blushed. "I'd like to ask you know...looks and stuff..."

Shun stared.

"I mean, there says in my job description, that I have to make an act of seduction on that Leda in the form of swan," Hyoga started to explain, hastily. "So I thought that, well, it would be wise to ask, gather some information before I...uh...well, morals and preferences would be useful thing to know..." after all, he got lost in his explanation.

"Well, I don't know him well," Shun said. "We fought several times. I guess he's okay. Nice chap," -- from Shun's point of view, the world consisted of nice people exceptionally. The fact that some of those nice people tried to murder him didn't look contradictory to him -- nobody was perfect, after all. Honestly wishing to be helpful, he strained his memory. "He's got pink hair and likes fancy earrings, if I only remember correctly."

"Pink hair? Like of that horrible dwarf in Asgard?" Hyoga awed; then a short but nasty pronoun from Shun's explanation finally rammed its way to Hyoga's brain, and he awed even more. "He? Leda's a boy?!"

"We weren't talking personal with him," Shun muttered. "But he slept in boys' dortuary, and used the loo with 'Gentlemen' sign on the door, so I think he is."

"But then, how?" Hyoga moaned. "I'm not experienced in...wicked!"

"Ask any of them Goldies," Ikki offered. "I'm sure they'll gladly share their rotten experiences with you."

"I prefer to ask Hermes for different assignment!"

"You can't. I'm just from the Popery -- the door is locked and there is a scrap of paper hanging on it -- 'Out for the business trip, please contact later, thank you for support' -- support, my bum!...And I really have some questions about this Jeanne D'Arc performance he wants to drag me in."


"The stupid play, may it rot in hell! Only with the happy ending, because 'only the happy ends are profitable', hah!" Ikki mocked the line. "That's why me. Rise from the ashes and other crap."

"Sounds like really freaky horror show," said Hyoga.

"Yeah. People under age won't be allowed, because of that. The fact that I am under legal age myself doesn't count somehow."

"And who will play the nutty king and devious inquisitors?" asked Shiryu.

"I don't know, but any Goldie would fit, if I'm any judge to that," Ikki snorted. "There's plenty of both qualities among them. They could even make shifts...speaking of devil, isn't that Natural Blonde Killer marching down below?"

"Yup. Shaka, no doubt," Hyoga screwed his eyes. "And someone's following him...Jabu?! I wonder, why?"

Incidentally, Virgo Shaka wondered about exactly the same. But, being the man closest to gods, he couldn't allow to show such a human feeling as curiosity, and was steadily ignoring the shadowing figure.

There is a well known fact -- sometimes it is impossible not to think about polar bears. The rule evidently stretched onto the unicorns as well -- at least it did for the Virgo Saint. Thus when Shaka reached the entrance to the Pisces Temple, he felt he was much closer to the nervous breakdown than to any god.

"Sorry if I'm bothering you," he turned to Jabu, "but could you please explain why are you pestering me so thoroughly all this morning?"

"But I thought you knew," said Jabu. "It seemed that you didn't mind."

Shaka did a mental note for himself that arrogance was not always a way out.

"That's my task, see? The orders from the new boss," Jabu explained.

"A task? What kind of? To pull my leg?"

"Duh, but you're Virgo, and I'm Unicorn," Jabu said in the elementary-watson tone.

Shaka, who didn't find anything elementary in that, politely waited.

"Well, you know, the legends say about that special relationship between virgins and unicorns. That only pure virgins are able to touch unicorns, and really haven't heard about those legends? The boss said those are among the most entertaining for tourists," Jabu elucidated.

"I did, but I most definitely have no wish to be an entertainment for tourists," Shaka coldly said. "And would you please leave me alone?"

"Can't," Jabu said. "While you're a virgin, where you are -- there I am."

"Do you need help, Shaka? I see the quick and nice solution of all this!"

Shaka winced at the enthusiastic shout, which couldn't belong to anyone else but Milo. And indeed, it was Milo and Shura approaching the Pisces Temple.

"Not your help, Milo. And I don't think your kind of solution will be acceptable by me," Shaka said warily and took a step back -- just in case.

"Hey, I have no intention to do to you what you think I'm going to do," Milo grinned. "Though I must say I like your line of thinking...but what I really meant was: if none but you can touch him, he must run away of others, right?"

Still grinning viciously, Milo turned to Jabu and pretended he was about to grab at him.

"Keep your hands off me!" Jabu warned, jumping back. "Unless you're a technical virgin, too."

Shaka and Shura sarcastically sniggered.

"And what if I won't?" Milo winked and made another step towards Jabu. Jabu paled and made a step back. Milo made a step forward.

"Shall we go inside?" Shura offered, after both Saints admired the noisy chase game for some time. "We won't stop him now, when he's having so much fun, but as much as I know, he'll get bored soon and will return by himself."

Inside, the improvised conference was already going on its full.

"...where sun doesn't shine!" Deathmask stormed. "I am not going to count my masks, get it into your dotty head!"

"Neither am I," said Mu. "As a freshly assigned senior manager for technical means, auditing and warehousing, I'll have much more work than to mess with your masks, and it will be you who will put the inventory numbers on them."

"I won't!"

"But you will!"

"Go to hell!"

"I see you already accepted this marasmus, Mu," Camus said, bitterly. "Of course it's easy for you. Nobody threatens to turn your Temple into the Skating Arena."

"Or a labyrinth with Aldebaran chasing tourists in it," Saga glumly added.

"I haven't heard any reasonable way out of it, from any of you," said Mu. "And thus I consider to follow the plan A. Offer anything better, and then...oh hello Shaka, it was exactly you I wanted."

"Did you?" Shaka blinked.

"I'm auditing Sanctuary's property, this was the request from our new God In Charge, and I remembered a curious fact: while your Cloth has a mask included, I have never seen you wearing it. The same is about you, Camus -- and since the masks is the high value property of Sanctuary, I must know their location."

"I gave mine to Deathmask," Camus said. "For his birthday. After all, he collect them things, so I thought..."

"The same about me," Shaka said. "But for Christmas. It's easy when a man has a hobby."

"And talking about masks, I protest against them bloody inventory numbers," Deathmask said, "and the girls won't be happy about that at all. I used to lend them some of my masks, when they asked," -- he explained to Mu's puzzled look -- "those wretched things break so easily."

"But why haven't they come to me? I'd repair them," Mu said.

"And then sway on walking all the week and look like after a long and intense date with the vampire?" Deathmask said, nastily.

"Alright, lets leave the numbers aside. For a while." Mu sighed.

The conference went on; Camus repeated his complaints about the Skating Arena project. Aldebaran said he never felt like Minotaur and that he never liked scaring people anyway. Deathmask offered his help -- 'if any of them smartass tourists will tie a thread to the entrance, I can nicely arrange it to be tied in some deadlock, preferably with some traps en route -- I don't have much to do anyway, save that T-Shirt to wear, which says Warning: Smoking Can Cause ME!'

Aiolia said nothing, since his task was, shortly, 'drowse all day, let females bring your food, mate occasionally', and he had nothing against it. Ares-Marin, who was present on the right of honorary pain-in-the-ass-you-cannot-get-rid-of-anyway, said nothing too, but because all this was too complicated for him to understand. Milo, who was late to what he thought as of an entertainment, yelled twice as loud as all others added together -- just to have some fun.

And Aphrodite patiently waited for all the throats go tired and arguments to fade.

"I think," he said then, "that we must ask Athena back. Maybe she is not the best leader in the world, but she can't be worse than the circus we are currently involved in."

"Do you think you are the first so smart?" Saga remarked, ironically. "I already dropped a note via e-mail to my twin Kanon, who is rumored to live near Athena now, with the request to help us. And look what I received."

He extended the sheet of paper.

"Dear brother," Aphrodite read. "Right now I type the answer on the laptop of Tethys, who is currently sitting on my lap (sorry for pun, ha ha), and looking at the display. Thus I cannot use all the words I want to address you with, since she is a lady and isn't supposed to read such expressions. Moreover, being a gentleman, I even cannot think in such words about you. But since you, dear brother, are neither, I'm sure you will understand me well. Kindest regards, Kanon."

"You really had to read it aloud, hadn't you," Saga murmured, when the giggling went away. "Anyway, one thing is clear: we can't count on him."

"When could we?" Aphrodite shrugged. "I wasn't counting on him, I meant other -- now, have you forgotten who always get dirty jobs in Sanctuary and most amazingly succeed in all those filthy tasks? Got a hint?"

The understanding silently (in cases of some Saints, slowly, too) dawned...and then they shouted, probably the first time in their lives in cooperation and agreement:

"Bronze Five!"

...When the bunch of excited Goldies, except Aphrodite, burst out of the Pisces Temple, every one wishing to be that first who would deliver the jolly message to Bronze Saints and thus would see their faces on that moment, Hermes, who was secretly present in the meeting, became visible.

"Just like I told you -- it was a piece of cake to provoke them, wasn't it, sweet granny of mine?" he winked at Aphrodite.

"Hermes, please," Aphrodite winced. "You know that I don't like when you call me granny. Besides, this is not scientifically proven."

And that was true -- in the genealogy tree of Olympus, which looked like a plate of spaghetti rather than a tree, Aphrodite had a mysterious case of fatherhood. This suited her perfectly, since it didn't allow to know her age.

"As you wish, little sis," Hermes playfully tickled Aphrodite's cheek (at least the fact the she was the sister-in-law of Hermes was true. Hermes often thought that the only thing he liked about his brother was his wife). "And thank you for help."

"Anytime," Aphrodite said, distractedly -- familiar pair of voices reached them from outside (Milo, who was the last to ran out, never troubled himself with niceties as closing the door).

"I said no, Mar...Ares!" Aiolia sounded rattled and somewhat confused.

"But look, it's just the same body, right? Well, hair's of different color, but I think that's okay with females, they often change that...please, Aiolia? Oh please please?"

"No it's not, see..." the fading voice of Aiolia sounded less startled, more confused and more doubting.

When nothing was being heard anymore, Hermes embraced Aphrodite, who stood quiet and sagged.

"The brother never changes, dear. You should've been already used to that."

"I'm trying, I'm trying," Aphrodite just shook his head.

* * *

"Where is that brat Hermes again?!" Zeus thundered, stomping around Olympus. He was in exceptionally bad mood, which was ruined even more by the fact he felt suspiciously alone. This was quite true, since most of the gods were gifted with the sense of premonition (and self-preservation as well) and hurried to hide well before those moods of Zeus happened.

Unfortunately, Dionysos, the god of wine and its consequences, had his sense of premonition neutralized by the wine and aforesaid consequences. So it came as an extremely unpleasant surprise to him when he was mercilessly dragged out of the undertable universe, where he habitually was sleeping out his activities, into the cruel reality.

"Right!" Zeus bellowed, holding the poor god of wine by his collar. "Hermes is gone, and I've got no more patience for this business with Athena and my rotten brother -- so you better move your butt and start working! Now!!!"

The lightning gaze of Olympus's prime deity left Dionysos unpleasantly sober, what ruined his mood even more. And when he finally got the message where exactly he was thrown in just now, his mood crumbled into dust, which annoyingly tickled his throat.

"Oh, bugger," he said. At the moment, he felt he really needed a drink. Like, as a matter of fact, at any given moment of his life.

End of Chapter 10 -- Go to Chapter 11

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