The Zeus Chapter

© 2007 by Torquemada

"XX Century Hoax"

proudly presents:

"Hades is not enough", or "Seiya never dies"

(The script of the Zeus Chapter, that is perfect for Toei animators to avoid at any cost).

This page was last modified: 2007/03/29


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Chapter 11

Charge! Female logic


"The world is such a cruel place," Dionysos, the god of wine and similar stuff, concluded -- and since the conclusion wasn't nice at all, he took another sip from his wine cup. It made the world look slightly more bearable, at least for some time after twenty or so sips. But now it worked less effective, maybe because first time in his life Dionysos was burdened with horrible thing called responsibility.

"Sad but true, aye, aye..." tragically sighed Melpomene the muse of tragedy and in like manner sipped from her own cup. Her eight sisters compassionately nodded a few times.

When the patron of the muses, Apollo, lost his fight against Athena and was banished to Hades for undefined time, the nine girls felt abandoned and utterly lost. Never before they were left on their own, and after a few aeons spent faithfully following Apollo, the sudden freedom of choices was like a bolt from the blue.

Dionysos likewise felt horribly lonely in Olympus, when Zeus summoned him. Loneliness was the state Dionysos was nearly unfamiliar with, and he certainly didn't want to experience it. Separated from his habitual crew of fawns and maenads, poor God withered in Olympus until he had crossed the path of the muses.

Both sides were extremely happy about finding each other -- Dionysos having a company of cute females that reminded him of his life on Earth and helped to survive in Olympus (besides, he really hated drinking alone), and the muses getting a new patron, who was claimed to be 'the cutest god around after Apollo of course'.

In fact, once Terpsichore confessed to Erato that she liked Dionysos even more than the previous patron:

"This lad never bitches about me keeping my hand in wrong angle or interpreting some stupid pa wrongly like Apollo chewed me about and to dance with his is nature's delight!"

"Provided if they were horizontal dances, and I strongly suspect they were," Erato winked. Her attitude to absolutely everything had strong odour of leer -- which was not strange at all, considering her specialty.

"Oh sweetheart, you are so naughty!" Terpsichore giggled, flushing, but didn't deny Erato's words; with the appearance of Dionysos, the morals of all muses significantly crooked. It was customary for them to reflect the personality of their patron.

"I mean, I mean, I mean," Dionysos kept complaining, "Why me? Why it is always me to be dad's scapegoat?" He took another sip and frowned, sulkily. "And even my cup is empty!"

Clio, Urania and Melpomene obligingly darted to fill his cup, throwing jealous glares at each other.

"Thank you girls," Dionysos said, when the cup was refilled by the jointed efforts. In the process, most of the wine got spilled on the floor and tunic of Dionysos (without doing a significant damage to it - the tunic gave an impression of the thing that had a long experience of suchlike events).

"I say," he proclaimed between the sips, "that it is utmost unfair!"

"Oh my poor master!" Melpomene tragically sighed and glowered at Calliope, who was sensually playing with Dionysos' curls, while his head rested in her lap.

Calliope stuck a tongue at Melpomene.

"I mean, I never had any business with Olympus," Dionysos whined. "All I want is to live peacefully on Earth, but no! Dad insists on me visiting him, for he misses me and so on, and what does he do to me? And why did I deserve that?"

He airily waved his hand, splashing the wine around.

"Some absurd task I have no clue where even to start about!"

Dionysos sipped, hiccuped and sobbed, feeling the extreme pity to himself, since currently he was passing this particular stage of drunkenness.

Melpomene broke into tears.

"Sisters, how can we be so indolent and feeble, when our beloved boss is in trouble?!" the heated words belonged to Polyhymnia, the most serious and as the result the most sober therefore sensible at the moment. "We are muses, the spirits of inspiration and creativity! I am sure that if we used our skills, we'd certainly found the way out, and our dear Dionysos would not have to be blue anymore!"

"Ah..." Euterpe, the muse of lyric poetry, sighed sweetly. Sentimental speeches always elevated her.

"You are so kind, Polyhymnia my girl," Dionysos sniffled, moved to tears. "Come and give me a hug, sweetheart!"

Polyhymnia readily leant closer. Melpomene huffed and demonstratively turned away. Calliope unhappily bit her lip.

"Um. Yes," Dionysos said, when he finished showing his gratitude and his mouth and tongue was available again, "So, what about that offer -- how are you going to help me with your talents?"

"Oh," Polyhymnia chirped, "All we muses possess some experience in various arts. There must be some way for us to have Athena and Poseidon split up...Clio, dear, you being the muse of history, surely know some educative examples from the past, don't you?"

Clio frowned in concern.

"As much as I remember, the most effective way of splitting two lovebirds apart is death of one of them. Or both, that's even better."

"Yes yes!" Euterpe enthusiastically nodded. "I remember that guy, name's Bill...or was he Chris? Ah, it's not that important...what I want to say, I used to work with him on some sonnets, and he wrote that drama where the boy thought his girl was dead and he poisoned himself, and then the girl who was not really dead but drugged, woke up, saw him dead and stabbed herself...that was such a sad story."

"Yeah," Melpomene proudly said. "One of my best achievements."

"This won't work here," Dionysos shook his head. "Both sis and uncle are immune to poison and otherwise immortal, even if they were wishing to die for each other, which I really doubt."

"Oh..." Polyhymnia sagged.

"But the idea was good," Dionysos encouraged after another sip. "Try thinking in this direction, girls, and I am sure it will take us...somewhere."

"Thank you!" the muses beamed in unison.

Unfortunately, all the muses felt at ease in the absence of Apollo, and, just like any subordinates were lazing around. For example, Melpomene currently was only doing easy money in soap operas -- but she was not going to let the cutie Dionysos down.

"There's amnesia," she uncertainly prompted. "It always helps to sort such things out."

"Not in our case," Dionysos solemnly shook his head. "They are amnesia-proof."

"Eureka! Got it!" Melpomene snapped her fingers. There was the triumphant glint in her eye. "Jealousy! Even the gods succumb to jealousy!"

"Jealousy? Sounds interesting," Dionysos mused. "It can work...especially considering the temper of my dear sister and uncle. But then, how are we going to cause jealousy in them?"

"It's the piece of cake!" Melpomene confidently proceeded, gliding on the transparent wings of soap operas’ simpler-than-thou plots. "What you need, is only to get one of them into bed with some third person, and let the other see it! And that's all!"

"Cool!" Dionysos exclaimed, but then his voice dropped down again. "But how to realize that? Even if the sister, say, fiddles with someone else behind uncle's back, she is not that stupid to do it impertinently in his vicinity. She's the goddess of intelligence, after all...though sometimes it's quite hard to believe it."

"We will need to drug them," Melpomene informed. "To get Athena and that third person stone asleep, and then Poseidon comes, sees, gets really enraged and wants to see Athena no more."

"Drugs, you say?" Dionysos thoughtfully said. "I wonder if the sister is drug resistant..."

His look fell upon some upturned bottles.

"Hey, but who cares? There is no resistance against the influence of my private means, heh heh. Okay, Mel -- lets carry on with your plan!" he smugly concluded.

Next noon, when Siren Sorrento entered the dining hall of Solo mansion to tidy up the mess that left after the yesterday's party and to arrange breakfast ('Either you make yourself useful in the house,' Kanon tenderly whispered to him once, cornering in the kitchen, 'or you go back to the boys in barracks. I've overheard some ideas they would like to try on you, and you'd be amazed how humorous they are!'), and found himself gaping, dumbly, at the table.

All the food leftovers, dirty plates and empty bottles were gone. In place of that, a whole brand new army of the bottles of various size and content had lined up on the table.

Sorrento still stood there, frantically guessing what was all this about and whether it could be another inventive Kanon's prank on him, when the door creaked open, and Julian Solo entered, painfully blinking at the sun. His silky pyjamas of the colour of fresh spring leaves nicely matched the colour of his face.

"I feel like nine cats went to toilet into my mouth," he grumpily proclaimed. "Gosh, I feel so sick that I wouldn't want even to think about another drinking for a..." his gaze brushed against the table. "What's this?!"

"It's er...it's, er...erhm, it's," Sorrento quavered. "Frankly, sir, I..."

"Oh please!" Julian moaned. "Do you really need to shout? My poor head...and you here with your horrible roar!"

Sorrento, who's throat still was emery dry after yesterday's party (that was because Isaac plentifully seasoned his food and beverages with salt) and who could produce nothing but a weak squeal, obediently nodded in dismal agreement. The boss was evidently not in his best mood, but it was a thousand times better to encounter him than...

"Hello hello! What a beautiful morning!"

Sorrento shivered at this cheerful exclamation. His hope to avoid the dread at least today completely shattered, as well as his nerves.

"Oh pleaaaaaaase!" Julian bawled, clutching his head.

"Sorry, Julian," Kanon appeared in Sorrento's field of view, fresh as a rosebud. And that's the one who had it the wildest last night, Sorrento thought bitterly. Kanon was famed by his enormous health, endurance and utter ignorance of hangover subject. In the opinion of all Marinas it was the compensation of his terrible personality, and no way else.

"Coochie coochie coo," Kanon purred and tickled Sorrento's chin.

"Ugh!" squeaked Sorrento and winced back.

"Leave him alone, Kanon," Julian said. "He put so much attempts to please us this morning. Just you look at the table."

"Ooh eeh, whosamamasgoodboy, then?" Kanon cooed and playfully stroked Sorrento's cheek.

Sorrento's eyes filled with tears. He sobbed.

"If someone would ask me, although I see that nobody is going to," Julian dryly proceeded, "I'd say, it was very good idea -- what makes you ill, cures you, Kanon!"

"Izzy wizzy wuzzy goo?" Kanon crooned into Sorrento's ear.

Sorrento whimpered, shuddered with all his body and shot out of the room like a sling bullet.

"I can take it anymooooooooore!", his fading wail again made Julian to pull a tortured face and cover his ears.

"I asked you to be nicer to him, now didn't I?" he noted, reproachfully.

"That's exactly what I'm doing," Kanon radiated innocence.

"Indeed," Julian grunted, approaching the table. "Cold beer! My, I'm ready to die for it! How convenient!"

"Um, I could ask him to play a flute for me before night, if you like," Kanon smugly offered, opening a bottle for himself.

"You're disgusting," Julian glowered at Kanon, but with badly masked approval. Poseidon liked a good crude joke as anyone else, and there was no better supply of crude jokes than Kanon having to do with Sorrento.

"Yeah," Kanon nonchalantly admitted. "Cheers."

"Cheers."

There followed a pause, filled with damp glug-glug-glug.

"So, where's Saori?" Kanon inquired, contently smacking his lips.

"I guess she still sulks because of yesterday's party. Have no idea, why."

"Women," Kanon said, knowledgeably. "They will never understand us men and our ways to relax."

"Yeah. She went out in the morning. Shopping, I suppose, since I found my wallet open and credit cards missing. It's their way to relax, money spending. Isn't it stupid?"

"Why does she need your credit cards? She's bloody rich herself!"

"Dunno. That's probably the common girlfriend thing, regardless of their wealth. Cheers."

"Cheers."

"Beer is over," after some time, Julian announced, reaching for the bottle of wine.

"What a pity. And quite fast, isn't it?" Kanon opened another one.

"Indeed." Julian took a sip and frowned. "Hm...it tastes familiar. Reminds me of something -- right, of those festivities and orgies in Olympus, mmm! It looks like humans finally learned to make proper beverages. What are you looking for, eh?"

"A glass. I opened myself a champagne, and to drink it out of the neck...dunno, it kinda lacks style."

"Drop it. We don't have women in a company, and we ain't acting those polite silly ways they are so obsessed with. Cheers."

"Cheers, then."

Some more time passed.

"Whadda they say, izwron' totototo..top weak drinks w'strong or iz't othr'wayround?" Julian reached for the rum bottle and giggled, when he overturned some other half empty bottles with his unsteady fingers.

"Who cares? Cheers!" Kanon said, grinning widely and trying to place the neck of vodka bottle to his lips. The fourth attempt was finally successful.

"Cheers...hic!"

"Funny morning," Julian remarked after yet some more time, wide open eyes lovingly staring at the void.

"Uh..." Kanon intended to add something more, but failed, because his face flatly hit table's surface, missing the untouched plate of snacks by a mere inch.

"Traitor..." Julian threw a sulky cross-eyed look at him, sighed, guzzled from his bottle and promptly followed Kanon with one difference -- another target - plate of snacks was successfully hit this time.

Loud and sincere snoring was disturbed only after 15 minutes, when Dionysos, Melpomene and Erato noisily crawled out of their hiding place under the table.

"Finally," Dionysos sighed, loosening his grip on the wine bottle's neck. "Sturdy old chum, my uncle! I started to be afraid that it will never happen."

"Your stuff is omnipotent, oh Dionysos!" Erato piped. "I had faith in you, and I always will..."

"Yeah, yeah," Dionysos cut. "Of course. Lucky us, taking just two bottles with us, aren't we? Now, remember why we are here and onto the work. Anyone knows where uncle's bedroom is?"

Erato did. Location of any bedroom in entire world was firmly imprinted into her subconsciousness, as well as locations of some other less casual places.

With huffing, puffing and giggling two limp bodies were transported to Julian's bedroom and plopped onto his huge bed.

"Something is wrong here," Dionysos remarked, out of breath. "Man, this Kanon weighs like a complete three-door wardrobe! I'm lucky if I'm not getting muscle cramps tomorrow."

"What can be wrong?" Erato chirruped, admiring the view. "They look so cute together!"

The statement only proved Erato's hyperdeveloped imagination, since two dead drunk men, sprawled on the bed, was anything but a cute view, even if there weren't for thunderous snore and unmistakable stench of evaporating alcohol.

"I am pretty certain something is suspiciously not right," Dionysos persisted. "Damn, this horrible snore prevents me from the full concentration! Hm...what if we try to turn one of them upside down?"

"What for?"

"Well, I don't know. Maybe it would look more discrediting this way, I think. Now it ain't convincing at all."

With some more huffing and puffing, Kanon finished with his feet resting on the pillow next to Julian's head.

"Still, it lacks something..." Dionysos frowned. "I sense there is something wrong, but what? What?"

"Maybe we should try to undress them?" Erato helpfully offered, not without her own personal expectations.

"Bah! All you can think is getting into man's pants!" Melpomene sternly said, but her annoyance was doubtlessly caused by that Erato outsmarted her with that idea.

"She's right, a bit of nudity will certainly improve the situation," Dionysos beamed. "That's a timeproof trick! Onto the work, girls!"

To undo the buttons of Julian's pyjamas was a piece of cake, but Kanon's ultra-tight jeans obstinately refused to go further than unzipping. After some struggling that caused a sleepy 'Nurnur...hnur...buggroff!' and cost a kick in a head for Julian, efforts were abandoned.

"Call me a paranoid, but I still smell something bad there," Dionysos shook his head in disagreement, but before he managed to come up with the next brilliant idea, there was a sound of door slamming and uproarious voice:

"Julian! I'm home!"

"Oh bugger! It's sister, lets get out of here!" Dionysos hissed, and in a split second the trio of the deities teleported back to the safety of Olympus.

Instantly the saying that everything looks clearer from the distance, fully proved itself.

To the utter confusion of two muses, Dionysos bulged his eyes in horror, groaned and started to bang his head over Earth Monitor ™.

"Now I see what's wrong...oh dear!" he explained to the horrified muses between bangs. "It was sister who had to end up in bed with some guy, not the uncle! And now it's too late!"

Earth Monitor ™ was showing Saori Kido with puzzled face gripping on the doorhandle of the bedroom.

"Please, boss, don't despair," Erato comforted the crestfallen god. "it may turn not that bad, really! For I know for sure, that it is a bigger insult for a girl to discover that her boyfriend cheated on her with man than with another girl."

"Are you sure?" Dionysos sniffled, in a less woeful voice.

"Look boss, look!" Melpomene ecstatically squeaked, pointing at Earth Monitor ™.

Dionysos and Erato followed her finger.

Saori opened the door and stoned on the porch. Her face went through the spectrum of colours -- sunset red, ghost white and finally settled on hangover green. She hissed something, that didn't came clear due to the gnashed teeth.

"What is she..." Dionysos turned the audio dial of Earth Monitor ™ to the maximum volume and was knocked on the spot by the ear-tearing shriek.

"Boots! With! BOOTS!!! On! My! WHITE!!! SHEETS!!!"

"What?" Dionysos dumbly repeated.

"That's it. That's bloody bleepety bleepety beep (Earth Monitor ™ had the censor implanted) it!", meanwhile, Saori hissed in trembling with anger yet deadly voice.

"Um? Saori-san?" there was a small voice from behind, full of doubt and disbelief.

Saori furiously turned, and at her look Seiya, who chose that unfortunate moment to drop in with his humble request and currently was doubting whether he got the right address, cowered and backed with recognition.

"What?" the Goddess of Justice roared.

Seiya was expecting to receive slightly different, lest warmer, welcome -- after all, he was back from the dead (that's why his fellow Bronzies pushed him into the avangard of the suicide mission group).

"Duh, I...I came to say, er, Sanctuary needs, er, kindly asks you...oh mighty Athena, humbly asks you to be back and rule us again, Athena-san!" he stammered in bewilderment.

"Indeed?" Saori's eyes evilly glinted. Seiya took some more steps back. "Why, but this is the brilliant idea!" Saori chimed. "Of course, how could I ever to abandon my duties towards Sanctuary, how could I be so irresponsible? But now it's over with that, lets go Seiya -- I'm dying to see my faithful Saints and thank them for their loyalty and devotion!"

And she determinantly dragged the dumbfounded unresisting Seiya out of the room, not without malicious triumphant look over her shoulder at the snoring bedroom.

"It seems that it worked," Dionysos slowly said after a few very silent minutes. "But buggered if I know why..." he wearily shook his head. "Dad is right saying, that we will never understand women."

Melpomene mutely nodded and shut Earth Monitor ™ off.

Just at the moment, when Siren Sorrento sneaked to the bedroom, glimpsed at it over the corner and ran away, bitterly sobbing.

End of Chapter 11 -- Go to Chapter 12


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