The Zeus Chapter

© 2007 by Torquemada

"XX Century Hoax"

proudly presents:

"Hades is not enough", or "Seiya never dies"

(The script of the Zeus Chapter, that is perfect for Toei animators to avoid at any cost).

This page was last modified: 2007/03/29

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Chapter 12

New adversary! The importance of a phallic symbol.

"Oh shit oh shit oh shitshitshit..."

Dionysos repeated the uncomplicated mantra, gadding around Olympus and feeling extremely sorry for himself. His achievement of splitting the happy couple of Athena and Poseidon turned into Pyrrhean victory -- Zeus was so impressed that after the thunderous gratitude there instantly followed an order of 'There's a good boy, carry on like that' sorts. Which contained a firm background promise, that if Dionysos would not carry on, the way from 'good boy' to 'lightning-struck smouldering boy, and that's the easy escape' could be immensely short.

The Muses noisily refused to take part in this project, referring to that they were inspiring, not warmongering spirits, and offered to address the Erinyas instead, what was totally unacceptable by Dionysos himself. He knew well enough what the meddling with the Erinyas could result in. It was extremely easy to summon an Erinya -- the trick was to get rid of her afterwards. They were just as bad as wrath of Zeus. In fact, they often were the wrath of Zeus.

"Really? I'm happy to see you too, bro."

Dionysos stopped and tried to focus his eyes on the source of ironic words. When after forceful divine disperse of superfluous alcohol particles from his blood (not completely, though. Dionysos hated being sober more than anything in his life) he succeeded, his spirit soared high (and ruined previously done job of divine partial sobriety).

"Hermes! My dearest brother! My saviour!" Dionysos belted along at the Messenger, and before the latter managed to react and float up to safe height, caught him in a sloppy affectionate kiss. As he put much spirit into his declaration of love and brotherhood, Hermes felt slightly tipsy.

"Hermes! Darling!" Dionysos continued, sweeping a drunken tear. "I love you so much! You are the only one who can help me now, Hermes, brother of mine!"

"I guess I shouldn't expect apologies for hindering my plans," Hermes murmured, struggling to no avail from Dionysos's sticky grip.

"But brother, I didn't do it on my own accord!" Dionysos pouted. "Dad pushed me into this, and he didn't say 'please', mind you."

"Right, right," Hermes unwillingly agreed. "But then, why have you decided I will help you? Now, when father's attention is off me, I prefer to stay quieter than a mouse and humbler than dust, so you, brother, face the music by yourself, why won't you?"

"Because," Dionysos held a finger in air, "that if I fail -- and I surely will, if nobody helps me -- guess who'll be next in dad's line? We are in the same boat, want you that or not."

"I got your point, thank you for reminding me," Hermes waspishly said. "That's the true family for you, being here just when you don't need it. Still, I've got not a slightest clue what to do next. Any ideas?"

"Who, me? It is you, the brainiest guy in old Olympus. Plotting and scheming is your cup of tea!"

"No need to underestimate yourself, I say. Not after your devious plan that ended Athena's affair and a recent successful attempt to blackmail me," Hermes remarked, but without much grudge; he couldn't but appreciate a dirty deed done well.

"But I got no experience in long-term scheming. My plan only worked by a slippery chance...hey!" Dionysos brightened up. "You was there, in Athena's Sanctuary! You saw the enemy camp from the sis very mad, by the way?"

"Are you kidding? My tracks were already cold when she was back there. Reckless I may be, but suicidal I am not," Hermes snorted. "Back to what you said, about the enemy camp -- this gives me a certain idea...indeed, her former enemies may supply us with useful information. Dionysos dear -- get a sixpack of your finest wine. We are going to visit Uncle Hades."

* * *

"And he did it? My oh my, that Ares kid, he's such a duck!" Hades doubled in attack of helpless laughter.

"Indeed he is, uncle," Hermes affirmed, grinning. "And the funniest thing is, that the guy, who's body he was possessing at the moment, is nicknamed with -- guess what? -- Duck! You should’ve seen him when Ares moved on. All red like your tomato! And them golden boys from upper houses going 'Baaah!' at him...I bet he is going to be sick at the view of mutton on his table for ages, poor imp."

The first bottle of wine was nearly emptied while passing gossips, and the company of gods started feeling more or less homey. Even the non-stop hammering and drilling -- Hades's place still was under heavy construction -- stopped getting on their nerves too much, although Hermes wondered how Hades managed to survive in such hell of a noise day to day.

On the other hand, it was hell.

"Thanks for the story, Hermes," Hades said, getting serious and pouring last wine into three cups, "but I presume the adventures of my airhead nephew is not the reason why you two decided to honour your old uncle with a visit?"

"Er...why, you are right," Hermes readily replied. "In fact, we have a problem...or more like a need for advice. You see, dad assigned Dionysos..."

"And you too," Dionysos inserted.

"Yes, and me, thank you for kindly reminding me," Hermes glared at Dionysos, "to incite a kind of riot against Athena, to make her forget the Poseidon incident..."

"Oh. My compassion," Hades nodded.

"So we thought that you as her former adversary perhaps could supply us with a few useful tips," Hermes omitted 'and give us army to bloody fight her!' It would be unwise to push it, especially after he saw the pathetic condition of Hades's estate.

"Tips?" Hades sipped from the cup. "I really don't know what to say. Athena, she's basically like a pitbull -- charges everything that moves, regardless of size. To challenge her is a piece of cake, it's avoiding her attention that is a difficult part. Besides I lost, remember?"

"That's not a problem, we are but humble deities, not ambitious at all, defeat is acceptable outcome," Hermes assured. Dionysos vigorously nodded. "What we really need, is to keep her mind occupied for some time..."

"Whose mind?" Persephone inquired with bored curiosity, entering the room. "Hello, boys. Hades, take a look at a project of our new villa on the Leto's bank, will you? What do you think of it?"

It was said with an air that asserted it was of no importance what Hades thought of it, but traditions had to be kept.

"It's perfect, hon," Hades said absently, without even taking a look at the paper Persephone unrolled on the table. It was obvious he also was aware about his opinion's value as much as Persephone. Hermes decided this situation suited both of them.

"Don't drink too much," Persephone said, collecting the paper. "And send someone to repaint the Wall. Those ugly kids of Athena adorned it with such explicit graffiti that I would offer them to go and serve Priapus instead of that old spinster, before killing them slowly and painfully, of course..."

Still grumbling, she left the room.

"Priapus..." Hades said, thoughtfully. "Priapus. I wonder what would happen, if we hounded him on Athena...hey!" his eyes gleamed naughtily. "Eureka!"

"Duh. I dunno, uncle, if it's really good idea," objected Hermes, a presumable father of said Priapus. "He is even less experienced in fighting than we are, and with his limited ability to move he's as good as a sitting duck for Athena's cut-throats."

"And he's got no army, just like us," added Dionysos, another presumable father of said Priapus.

"Too true," Hades admitted, then beamed again. "But I think I know how it can be improved, hope it will work. Heck, I would be more than delighted if we played such a prank on my annoying niece!"

"Oh?" Hermes recovered his spirits. He always enjoyed a prank, and for that he brought himself on the idea that Priapus was Dionysos's offspring, so Hermes couldn't care less about what was going to happen to him.

"What idea?" asked Dionysos. As his hope of saving his hide was about to rekindle, he decided that the freak Priapus was no doubt a son of Hermes, therefore not his concern.

"Just a moment. I asked one of my lawyers to come here. Telepathically," explained Hades to clueless looks of the lesser gods.

The next moment, there was a knock at the door, and Balrog Lune entered the room.

To be precise, he entered after some struggling, swearing and only after jointed efforts of Hermes and Dionysos, who freed his stuck in the door Sapuri.

"Lune," Hades said, at the same time thinking how he would explain scratches on the freshly painted door to Persephone, "say, those three goofs who brought our Radamanthys back, are they still around?"

"Well yes, in the department for hopelessly stupid," Lune said. "Why?"

"I think I got another job for somebody with their skills."

"Ah. But you see, my Lord, their contracts are over, and I think it would be troublesome to make them sign new ones. They developed a sort of gratuitous hostility against our most skilled lawyers, namely me. They say I cheated them," Lune said in a dignity offended tone. "Like a lawyer ever cheats!"

"So nothing can be done about them?"

"Everything is possible, my Lord. That's our motto. It only will be a time consuming task, I am afraid."

"And time is what we don't have," Dionysos fidgeted in his chair.

Lune snapped his whip a few times, spreading a cloud of tiny sparkles across the room and scaring the lesser gods a bit; Hades, who knew this Lune's habit when he was in deep concentration, remained unaffected.

"There can be a quick solution," eventually, Lune said. "At least we can try. Lord, could you please summon my sister here?"

"You got a sister? I never knew that."

"She's new here. Arrived in your absence, Lord. Since we suffered from shortage of experienced cadres and she's really smart, I saw nothing wrong in giving her a job. Please don't think it's nepotism," Lune said, a shade guiltily.

"Well, I don't know..." Hades began. Then there was a knock at the door, and June entered. "Oh. Is she, I mean your sister? Of course you was right in your decision, Lune my dear!"

After a brief glance at June the other two gods also assumed a dignified air.

"So you are Lune's little sister, are you?" Hades purred. "The most charmed, I am...incidentally, you look familiar. Have we met before?"

"Yes, my Lord, I believe we have. On the day of your return," June modestly smiled.

"Ah, indeed! I remember now, but wonder why I haven't paid a deserved attention at you then," Hades attempted to establish an eye contact, perfectly aware about his most irresistible feature.

"Perhaps because you were busy with your wife, old uncle?" somehow, Hermes succeeded in stressing 'wife' and 'old' at the same time.

Hades threw a devastating glare at him. Lune, on a contrary, looked thankful.

"So what was you doing before falling down, June? I bet it was something awfully interesting," Hermes included a full dose of his seductive skills into his voice. "My name is Hermes, by the way. I am a god, and a very important one..."

"He's a bag of gossips and an errand boy," Dionysos cut in. "And I am Dionysos, the god of...uh...many very nice things. So why won't you sit down and join us in..."

"Ahem," Lune said in a pointedly cold voice. "We are discussing business here, if I'm not mistaken, so wine would be an excessive measure here, even if my sister was in legal age," he scowled at Dionysos with disapproval, "though she is not."

"Right, business," Hades pulled a surly grimace. "So what are you up to, Lune?"

"June, do you remember the D.U.M.B.?" Lune asked.

"Three gits with a grudge against you? Good legs, no brains -- them?" June furrowed her brow.

"Precisely. How do you think -- would you be able to make them sign another employment contract?"

"One of your trademark ones? Of the kind Athena uses?"

"Athena's contracts are done by my pupils, not me," pride squeezed from Lune's voice, "But yes. Of that kind. I can't take this task upon myself, lest their stupidity does have limits."

June looked thoughtful for a moment.

"It can work. I will only have to change into a more revealing dress," she said in business-like tone, ignoring weak sign of protest from Lune; her look stopped on the table. "Is this famous Dionysian wine? Can I have a couple of bottles, please?"

"Absolutely!" Dionysos hotly assured. "What's mine, that's yours! In every, er, sense..."

"Thank you," June seized the bottles, bowed and was off.

"Cor," Hades said, after she left. "This sister of yours, is she tough or what?"

"Family trait," Lune beamed with pride. "Besides, she was in Athena's service for some time."

"That explains," Hades nodded. Lune kept politely looking at some spot in front of himself. Hades drew a mental line, calculated that spot, and sighed:

"Alright, Lune. Do sit down and serve yourself, will you?"

After a prolonged time, during which Dionysos was sent a couple of times to fill up wine supplies, June returned. The disapproval of Lune's at her new dress was completely drowned by excitement of the gods.

"I got it!" June triumphantly held out a voluminous book. "And guess what? I got it unlimited from our side!"

"Wow..." Lune said with respect.

"Yay!" Hades snapped his fingers. "You will go far, June, and you absolutely deserve promotion! Pick any spectral vacancy, and it's yours, my dear!"

"Well..." June cast down her eyes, "I've been already thinking about that, and I guess Succubus would go nice along with my name, wouldn't it?"

The gods ardently nodded.

"June!" Lune snapped. "You must keep our family's traditions, for Sau...for Hades sake! Pick a decent, respectable name -- Ringwraith, Barrow Wight, Gollum after all..."

"But I don't want to be Gollum," June persisted. "I want to be Succubus. Sphinx says it suits me, too."

"He does, the bag of riddles? I will..." Lune growled, but Hades friendly patted him on the shoulder.

"Lune, don't be such a spitfire. Sorry for the pun. I think your sister does deserve something flashier than Gollum. I officially name you the Spectre Succubus June," he waved his hand, dismissing June's gratitude. "Meanwhile, join us in our celebration, dear Succubus. And Lune -- stop sulking. It is just harmless wine. Said to be healthy, too."

* * *

It was a quiet and quite dull day in Sanctuary. It had resigned to Athena's return a while ago with stoicism of something that survived many dreadful things in its existence, and its habitants were passing their time in habitual ways.

Milo and Aiolos played darts. Shun watched 'The Beauty And The Beast' and silently wept. Shion and Saga shared the spa, sitting in opposite corners and pretending the other wasn't there. Athena milled in her Temple, musing if Kanon would remember he still had the keys. Aphrodite bickered with Ares, currently hosted by carrot-haired and golden-eyed Seiya, about marital duties. Since Ares had shown unusual wit and exploited Seiya's natural persistence he was slowly winning, when there happened Mu's telepathic request and interrupted it, to much of Ares's disappointment.

'Folks? I think you should come down.'

'What's happening, are we attacked?' Athena sounded hopeful.

'I even don't know what to say...' Mu sounded really puzzled. 'You should really come and see by yourself. And could someone wake Shaka up by passing by? Thank you.'

When the Gold and Bronze Saints plus Shion and their patron Goddess arrived to Aries Temple, crowding the stairs, they were hit by the same confusion that had stricken Mu a while ago.

There was a small delegation of four people down the Temple's stairs. Of three people, anyway. The fourth figure looked more like a sort of crippled centaur -- with wheels for the front legs, and the human torso, instead of being in front of horse corps, was in the far end of it. The fact naturally caused a more thorough examination of the apparition, and brought the following observations:

a) the wheels were a part of attached construction;

b) it was not a horse corps.

"Blimey!" breathed Milo, with the expression of pained envy.

Here it would be useful to take a short trip into the past, to the day, when the Gold Saints threw a contest of comparing their...ehrm...reproductive devices. The idea itself was courtesy of Milo, but was welcomed by the rest of Goldies with various degrees of enthusiasm -- they were bored out of their minds due to prolonged peace at that moment. Milo won the third place, which came as big disappointment (note: he really shouldn't feel like that. The first place's winner, Aphrodite, modelled her new body with specific attention to said body part, out of her sense of perfection, and the second place Mu wasn't human, so human anatomy rules shouldn't apply to him).

However, even the third place shrank into utter insignificance, as the plank was raised into new height. Or -- more appropriate in given case -- new length.

Meanwhile, the apparition, oblivious to reaction he invoked in spectators, continued reading from the paper, conveniently attached to the end of wheeled construction:

"Tremble, tyrant Athena and your petty minions! I, Priapus, the god of fur...fir..." he short-sightedly squinted at the paper, "fer-ti-li-ty, came to challenge you! I will overthrow your reign of terror, claim this place and purge it from your foul scent! I will take down the hideous monument to your vanity, and in its place I will raise the blessed phallic symbol to immortalise my victory!"

"What's a phallic symbol?" Shun tugged Ikki on the sleeve.

Ikki pretended he didn't hear.

"My valiant army will assist me in my sacred war!" the apparition went on. "Suffer the wrath of my trusty warriors, the Samurai Trippers: Dicky Doodle, Joystick Durex and Boner Viagra!"

Eighteen pair of eyes turned to the other three visitors, who looked harassed enough even without that.

"We didn't sign for this humiliation!" one of them, with hair like a dandelion on full blooming, moaned.

"We did sign for everything, thanks to you, lecherous bastard," hissed the redhead one and maliciously added: "...Dicky Doodle!"

"They sound like porn stars," Milo nudged Camus.

"Cannot judge. I have neither your skills nor your experience in these matters," Camus retorted. "But they look familiar, though."

"For me, too," Saga said.

"Well, you used to borrow my tapes," said Milo.

"I did not!" Saga went deep red.

"We did!" Ares-Seiya nastily confirmed.

"What's a phallic symbol, Niisan?" Shun repeated. "And why does this man has such a big..."

"Never you mind," Ikki stepped forward. "I remember this lot. It shouldn't be a problem to take them down."

Dicky Doodle-nee-Atlas curved himself in rather obscene battle stance.

"Great Balls of Fire!" he yelled.

"Duck!" shouted Ikki.

Everybody but Hyoga followed his advice.

"Again -- I am a swan, Ikki. How many times I..." Hyoga proudly began -- and the next moment sank down, squirming, whimpering and clutching at his crotch.

"Oh my Goddess! They hit Hyoga," remarked Shiryu, faithful to his custom to comment the evident.

"You bastards," said Deathmask, not because he was sorry for Hyoga, but because it seemed a proper thing to say.

"Hah! You wanna see the real Balls of Fire?" Ikki growled. "I'll show you Balls of Fire!"

"And Red Right Hand," Milo took position.

"And Coitus Interruptus and everything," said Aiolos, aiming at Priapus.

The arrow whirred and hit the ground a few steps away from Priapus. A second later, the red rose gracefully floated down next to it.

"I'm so sorry," Aphrodite apologetically smiled. "Can't quite control myself, when I'm nervous, the unfortunate knack of mine. Firing roses left and right..."

Athena wrathfully turned to him. Aphrodite looked daggers back.

Note: at this moment, telepathic conversation between the deities took place. Since it happened on a private bandwidth, it wasn't a part of a plot. However, since it affected the following events, we find it our duty to present its recording. Here it is:

Aphrodite: Hands off my son!

Athena: He started first!

Priapus: Mum?

Aphrodite: Just what do you think you are doing, Priapus? Have you got no better idea of a game?

Ares: Always been saying this brat is of no good, not like our Eros...

Aphrodite: Shut up! Priapus, answer me!

Priapus: But dad told me I have to...

Ares and Athena (nastily): Which dad?

Aphrodite: Shut up, I said! Which dad?

Priapus: Uh...whichever...

Aphrodite: It was Dionysos, that's clear as day (note: Aphrodite favoured Hermes over Dionysos due to several reasons, Dionysos being constantly tipsy not the least. As a femininity incarnate, Aphrodite was against drunk lovemaking) Go and fight him, Athena, if you must!

Athena: You know, Aph -- sometimes I really pity you for your family.

Ares: Yeah, so do I...what?! What are you implying, eh?!

Aphrodite: Much do you know about family, virgin!

Athena: Get real, my dear. Image is image, and life is different thing. Do you really think I could keep old Posey for so long just by holding hands and romantically sighing at the sunset?

Aphrodite: I say, wisdom is also just image, isn't it?

Athena: Enough is enough! Vanish them, or I won't take responsibility for consequences!

"Hey, where did they go?" Milo goggled.

"Who cares?" Aphrodite amiably shrugged. "They are not here, and that's what important. We can go back to our activities now."

He turned back and left, shortly followed by Ares-Seiya.

"A pity," Ikki said. "It started like a promising entertainment."

"Niisan, what's a phallic symbol?" Shun patiently said.

Ikki sighed.

"Okay, Shun. Let's find a quiet place, and I'll explain."

The other Saints started dispersing as well.

"Don't you despair so," Shura tried to comfort the depressed Milo on the way to their Temples. "Look at the flaw of such size -- would you really like to clatter along with those wheels everywhere?"

"You bet I would," Milo replied sulkily.

Athena looked over emptied almost-a-battlefield, sighed and went back to her own Temple. Maybe it was worthy to drop a transparent hint to Kanon, say, in a form of a funny virtual card, after all? And she definitely had to write something to someone.

* * *

On the same day's evening, when Hyoga limped back from Mu's to Libra's (Athena categorically refused to see his injuries, regarding to her specific status, and Kiki's giggling was much worse than Mu's detached advises of a 'Heed consuming of too much liquid for a week' sort), he found there Shun, who looked as about to break in tears. Admittedly Shun always looked like that, but this time he looked crestfallen above his average.

"I asked Niisan to explain me about that phallic symbol," he squeaked at Hyoga's questioning gaze, "and he read me a lecture about bees and butterflies and flowers and stuff, and that it's the same with people, although I didn't ask him about that. Oh, Hyoga," the first sob broke through, "I don't wanna this! Even if I knew how to pollinate girls, I wouldn't want to waste my day on a whole meadow of them!"

Hyoga made an excuse to his poor health and hastily retreated to his bed.

* * *


 Dionysos, you bloody coward!  Come out and fight like a man!

* * *


 If you dare to involve any of my kids in your silly games again, I will
 ask Eros to bind you to the Graias.  Yes, them three hags with one eye
 and one tooth.  You heard me.


End of Chapter 12 -- Go to Chapter 13

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