The Zeus Chapter

© 2007 by Torquemada

"XX Century Hoax"

proudly presents:

"Hades is not enough", or "Seiya never dies"

(The script of the Zeus Chapter, that is perfect for Toei animators to avoid at any cost).

This page was last modified: 2007/03/29

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Chapter 13

Scary battle! The Unholy Spirits of Dionysus.

"Hermes! Hermes! She challenged me! Oh, Hermes, what shall I do?"

Hermes threw a look at the paper that very frustrated Dionysus was waving in front of his nose. Even if he wasn't a God of all gossips, it wouldn't be too difficult to guess what scared his wimpy brother so much.

"What shall you do, what shall you do, duh. Fight, of course! Do you see any other way out? It's Athena, for dad's sake! You can hide, but you won't escape," Hermes prophesied in gloomy voice.

"But I'm not a fighter!" wailed Dionysus. "How did she find out I was involved anyway?"

"Priapus let the cat out of bag, no way else," said Hermes and inwardly thanked the Celestial Whatever who didn't allow his own role to come into the spotlight. "It doesn't matter now. She pinpointed you, therefore it's you who must stand against her. My compassion," he added, a shade maliciously.

"I don't even know where to start..." Dionysus muttered plaintively. "I've always been 'Make orgy not war' person, you know that. She will chew my arse in no time!"

For some time Hermes enjoyed the mental picture invoked by the flowery description of Dionysus.

"Not...or not instantly, at least, if you send some army before you," he eventually said. "Doomed or not, but tradition must be kept."

"Army? How will I conjure up the army?"

"Maybe you should ask Uncle Hades? Remember, we had some talking there about the three idiots who liked signing tricky contracts? If they're still available, I'm sure uncle will lend them to you with great pleasure. I suspect he's having lots of fun with it."

"Those? But they failed against her! Twice!" Dionysus squealed.

"Are you ambitious warlord or whatnot?" Hermes jeered. "You complain you're a pacifist, and now what, you want to become an instant Julius Caesar?"

"Who's that?"

"Doesn't matter! Remember, Athena won against that foreign god who does nothing else but fights constantly, so drop your illusions about the victory, will you? Your task is simply to keep her occupied."

"It's easy for you to say," Dionysus mumbled. "It wasn't you she challenged."

"You shouldn't worry about that," Hermes let a nervous laughter, "I have a sneaking suspicion my time shall come soon. Now, go to Uncle Hades. Don't forget an amphorful of gift, mind you."

* * *

On a bland and uneventful afternoon, Athena was returning from the shopping in the city named after her. She dismissed her limo together with the chauffeur about a half-mile distance from the Sanctuary, since she wanted to have a light stroll -- walking was said to calm one's nerves, and Athena's nerves definitely deserved some serious sedation: it was all quiet and peaceful in Sanctuary for almost a full week. Dionysus ignored her invitation, so did Kanon later, and though the reason why she wanted Kanon was, mildly said, quite different from the one concerning Dionysus, both failures were equally disturbing. If Athena hated something with passion, it was being ignored.

She heartily kicked a stone that lay on a dusty road; the stone drew an arc in air and plonked into a bush, which said 'Ouch!'

Athena stopped, her heart soaring on the wings of sudden hope. Did someone out there hear her wishes? This had to be explored.

"Alright," she said in -- as she hoped -- harmless voice. "Anybody's there? Own up, why won’t you? I won't harm you."

The bush quavered.

"I promise," Athena added, almost pleadingly.

This time it worked. After some rustling ad whispering, the bush sprouted out a head with worried expression and a mop of very messy blond hair.

"No kidding?" it said.

"No kidding at all," Athena fervently nodded, and just in case made a few steps back.

The head hesitated for a while, but eventually set up its mind and the full body of a man (to whom the said head belonged. Not surprisingly) stepped out. Then another. And yet another.

Athena kept expectantly looking at the bush for some more time in a hope it would spew another ten or hundred people. When the miracle didn't happen after all, she sighed and turned her attention to the three apparitions on the road. If they were all she could get, she'd have to do her best for whatever meager satisfaction it promised.

"Well?" she said. "I assume you are after me, are you?"

"'re Athena, right?" the owner of the messy head hesitatingly ventured.

Athena rolled her eyes.

"It's not that I mind, but aren't you overdoing with acting? I saw you lot last week with Priapus, and I'm sure you saw me, let alone that incident with Abel, so what are this question for?"

"Sorry, but you looked very different then," the dandelion head weakly objected.

Athena looked down at her jeans and sneakers.

"I was shopping," she explained. "I don't go shopping in my official robes."

"Oh," the dandelion nodded, solemnly. "That makes sense."

There stood another uneasy pause. Athena felt the prelude was getting too stretched and too boring.

'Ah well. If you want something to be done, do it yourself', she thought and took a move.

"You are here to kidnap me, right?"

The dandelion goggled at her in surprise.

"How did you know?"

"Family," Athena dreamily said. "They never change. Mind telling me who are you working for this time?"

"Er," the dandelion mumbled.

"Go on, you can tell me. That's in the rules," Athena urged him.

"Yeah, I know," the dandelion said. "I just forgot his name. It happened so fast, you know. One moment we're in Hell, next we're here, hiding in waiting with no proper introduction..."

"Dionysus," another of the trio, the redhead, snapped.

"Dionysus, really? Why, I'm proud of little brother showing that he isn't so much of Chicken Little, after all," Athena approved. "Hey, Dionysus? Are you somewhere around? Show up. It's okay."

"Must I?" there came a small voice out of thin air.

"Absolutely," Athena gravely said. "You entered the game, so the rules apply to you from now. Show up, I'm not allowed to do anything to you."



The air shimmered, and Dionysus, looking rather confused, materialized next to his 'army'.

'Bloody amateurs', Athena cursed under her nose. Still, it was better than totally nothing.

But just as she was about to educate Dionysus on what to do next, they were interrupted.

At the bend of the road, there appeared Unicorn Jabu, hunched under the enormous pile of boxes and packages. Despite of the fact that the company standing on the road and talking looked very peaceful, his brain instantly flashed 'Danger!'

"Mmmph!.." Jabu spat a handle of the bag, which flopped on the ground, and the package from it slid out and into the dust. "Athena! Don't worry, I will save you!"

"Don't worry, you say?" Athena snapped. "But it was my Dolce&Gabana dress you dropped into dust, you moron! Now, be a good boy, fetch the bag, carry everything to the Aries Temple, it's not far anymore, Kiki will help you then, and go find Seiya, who will do the job. Simple, isn't it?"

Unfortunately, Jabu was too blinded by the chance to finally have his long-awaited moment of glory. Athena was in danger, threatened by...well, not very mean-looking types, and that annoying pest Seiya was too far to come and claim another easy victory -- with this thought and triumphant battle cry Jabu rushed forward. The box on the top of the pile he was carrying, swayed and dropped down with a cheerful sound of breaking glass.

"That was my china dining set," Athena said in dangerously quiet voice. Her eyes flashed.

Jabu stopped in his tracks and sank into dust with all the grace of a bag of potatoes. The packages piled over his fallen body like a tombstone for the victim of consumer society.

Dionysus instantly recoiled from Athena.

"You said you're not allowed!" he squeaked, shivering like a leaf in wind.

"The rule concerns my adversaries only, not my own dumb pawns," Athena irritably said. "Why do you think I have them so well-drilled? Look and learn!" she glared at the D.U.M.B., who bunched into small and frightened knot. "Anyway, he'll be alright soon...I hope. It means we don't have much time to waste before my warriors arrive, and I have quite some questions to you."

She marched forward to Dionysus, who hasn't made it in time to draw back, and wound her hands around his neck.

"?" Dionysus quavered.

"What?" Athena brashly looked up at him. "You're kidnapping me, you will have to carry me. Or did you think I will be so assisting that I go all the way myself? And tell your goons to pick up my purchases. It's wrong to leave good things lying on the road."

When the company set out into the not-so-far journey, on the road there was left only the unconscious body of never hero Unicorn.

* * *

The Fab 5 (4 for the present) were deeply involved in a poker game, when Mu knocked at Libra and without much passion informed the Bronze Saints, that Athena was kidnapped and their help was required.

"Not again," sighed Hyoga, who just got a good hand for the first time in the game. "Life is so unfair."

"Two, please," said Seiya and collected his cards from Shiryu, who was dealing. "Is it really urgent, Mu?"

"With Athena, it always is," Mu said, educatively.

"But we are slightly short in ranks," said Shiryu.

"Don't you look at me," Ikki, who hosted Ares that week and due to that paraded with neon green hair and magenta eyes (combination that caused watering eyes to any Saint with a sense of colours. To see that picture, Shaka even broke his 'Eyes closed unless war is happening' rule -- just to instantly shut them again with a painful gasp), grumbled. "I was just curious to test this Gen Ma Ken thingy, what's wrong in that? Thought it will be safe with this fellow, what with them being brothers and so on. He wasn't resisting, too...not much and not for long, anyway."

Everyone looked at the distant corner, where there cowered Shun, big void eyes glittering with tears and lips trembling.

"What does he say there?" Mu asked.

"Dunno," Ikki-Ares said. "Something about meadows and flowers and bees and some symbol of sorts. Beats me what's so scary in meadows, but he's like that for a good couple of hours, and it doesn't look like it wears off anytime soon."

"Why won't you Goldies go and do the job for once?" Seiya offered. "To exercise yourself or something."

"I exercise enough with your Cloths being broken over and over, thank you very much," Mu parried. "Those are the rules: you work in fields, we stay in office. If you don't like something, feel free to complain to the boss."

"Yeah, right," Seiya mimicked. "Guarding empty places sure is a tiring task."

"Say what?" Mu smiled, amiably.

"I said we're going right away," Seiya said. It would be plain stupid to pick fights with Mu. Besides, the cards he got were lousy.

"Don't count on me," Ikki-Ares warned and glanced at Shun. "On him, either."

"Like we ever did," said Shiryu, collecting the cards into neat pile. "You...I mean Ikki, shows for the battle only when he feels like to, and Shun is as good as nothing unless you...I mean Ikki, comes and drags him into fighting by his ear. Lets go, shall we?"

When the three Bronze Saints left, Ikki-Ares collected the cards, shuffled the deck and looked up at Mu with rather suggestive grin.

"Fancy a strip-poker?"

* * *

"Where are we going anyway?" Hyoga said, when the team passed the Ares Temple.

"Doesn't matter," Seiya shrugged. "As long as it's downstairs."

"What I don't understand," said Shiryu, "is Jabu. Always whining he's being left out, and now when we offer him to join, he refuses?"

"Nothing's strange," Seiya snorted. "Always been a windbag, that Jabu."

"He didn't look too well," Hyoga mused. "Maybe that's..."

He was unceremoniously interrupted by the three apparitions leaping out onto the road from a nearby bush.

"Stop right here!" one of them bellowed. "You shall not pass!"

"Says who?" Seiya inquired. The trio looked vaguely familiar.

"We are!, we are...uh..." the attacker faltered and hissed to one of his allies, the redhead one, "Jaoh? What we are now?"

"The Unholy Spirits of Dionysus," the redhead glumly rapped out.

"Yeah! Right!" the spirit (unholy, most likely) of the chief attacker perked up. "Unholy Spirits of Dionysus, that's what we are! Cabernet Sauvignon, that's me, Tequila Sauza, that's him," he nodded at the unhappy redhead, "and Johnny Walker!"

The last of the three, the blond in a long dress, who once answered to the name Coma Bernice and profoundly refused to answer to Joystick Durex, bowed stiffly.

"Hey, I remember you!" Seiya exclaimed. "What happened to Dicky Doodle?"

Cabernet Sauvignon aka Dicky Doodle aka Atlas furiously blushed. Tequila Jaoh snickered.

"Not your business! Defend yourself!"

"What from? Seiya looked at Atlas in honest surprise.

"This!" Atlas triumphantly raised his hands. "Hangovery Headache!"

"Poor you," Seiya said compassionately. "I think I have some aspirin back home, if you wait here...ow!"

He sank down, clutching at his head and moaning 'Oh god...'.

"Hey, boys! It worked!" Atlas yelled.

The little victory raised morale of the attaching forces, since at Shiryu there was launched a triple attack -- "Spinning Earth!", "Sunrise Boom!" and "Gravitation Towards The Loo!". Shiryu, who had fast reflexes, managed to knock Coma down with his dragon, after what he attained greenish colour of the said dragon and succumbed to the power of "Gravitation".

That left Hyoga facing two Unholy Spirits.

"Champagne After Vodka!" shouted Jaoh, aiming at Hyoga.

Nothing happened.

"Huh?" Jaoh tried again, "Strawberry Beer Forever!"

"Face Down Salad!" Atlas came in aid.

Hyoga shrugged, like getting rid of something annoying but harmless.

"I'm half-Russian," he haughtily explained to the stunned Unholy Spirits. "You think you can take a Russian down with anything beverage-related of any quantity? Well, friends, this was your fatal and last mistake. Diamond Dust."

...soon after the snowdrift cleared and snowflakes started melting, the Sagittarius Gold Cloth turned up, followed by drums and fanfares. Its attempt to envelop Seiya was a battle much, much more spectacular than the one that just finished.

Seiya definitely was not in the mood to do the final show. He kicked, flailed, wriggled, rolled on the ground, all the time moaning things like 'Oh god, would you stop that clattering? Oh, my head...oh, god...' -- and eventually there came a moment when the Sagittarius Cloth had to admit its defeat (What was not strange at all: Seiya always won in the end).

It folded back in the mid-air with its hand thoughtfully drumming on the arrow. Next, Hyoga heard a voice in his head.

'Bloody bastards, telepathying around without ever asking', he groggily thought, while the voice of Aiolos explained into his brain, that since he, Hyoga, was the only survivor, hence he'd be the one to complete the mission.

"But wait, archery isn't my specialty!" Hyoga tried to protest to no avail.

'Look, it's very simple,' Aiolos instructed, while Hyoga squeezed through the thick bush, cursing Seiya, Athena, Dionysus and life in general. 'Point the sharp end towards a target and let go, the arrow will do the rest itself. Heck, if Seiya can do it, so can you.'

"Yeah, right..." Hyoga grimaced. The bush finally ended, and Hyoga stepped on the edge of a small clearing.

In the middle of it, there sat Athena with somebody...some deity, Hyoga corrected himself, loudly crying on her shoulder.

'Aiolos, I won't make it! They're too close too each other!' Hyoga sent a desperate thought.

Like she heard it (in fact, she did), Athena looked up, noticed Hyoga and said, never stopping to stroke hair of the dismayed deity:

"Put that thing down before trouble happened. It's Dionysus. He's as harmless as it comes."

"Waaaai,' kiiiiind!" Dionysus sobbed and blew his nose on his tunic's hem. For some reason, Hyoga remembered Shun.

"It's okay, Dio. It's okay now..." Athena said, struggling free. "I must go now, people came looking for me, see? By the way, Hyoga -- where's Seiya and why are you in the Sagittarius Cloth?"

"There accident back there."

"It's intolerable -- as soon as I'm out of the house, something always breaks down, " Athena said. "Let me go, Dio. Don't worry, big sis will take care of everything."


"Cross my heart and hope to die," Athena managed to stand up, looking at Dionysus with patronizing compassion. "Now, be a good boy, stay on Earth and don't come back to Olympus, deal?"

Dionysus vigorously nodded.

"Then we can go, Hyoga."

"Er...Athena-san? Forgive me for asking, but I don't quite understand what is going on..." Hyoga dared, when they passed by Seiya, who was clinging to an ice block (with Atlas inside) with his forehead firmly pressed to its surface.

"You don't need to," Athena cut.

"Oh. Okay."

On the steps to the Aries Temple they met Shiryu, slowly but persistently crawling up.

"You must gravitate where?" Athena asked with astonishment.

The answer was quite unintelligible; Athena shrugged and carried on, followed by Hyoga, who decided it was better to keep quiet and obedient. Athena was obviously lost in her thoughts, and she hated when somebody disturbed her in such moments. Should Hyoga press on, next he'd end envying Shiryu a lot.

" doesn't want me and Poseidon together, does he?" Athena broke the silence again on the stairs to the Libra temple. In Hyoga's opinion, this wasn't an improvement. If voices could kill, this particular voice of Athena would have qualified as genocide. "My, my...what a problem, what a problem indeed...and if not for Dionysus, it'll take ages for me to find out who's behind all that...cowards! And if dad doesn't want me and ol' Posey to hang out together, this is exactly what I'm going to do...what in the bloody Styx is happening here?"

The last words were growled out as Athena rammed into the Libra door, opening it wide with a thunderous sound. Hyoga curiously peered from behind Athena's shoulder.

What he saw, was Ikki-Ares, who looked innocence incarnate, the orderly pile of clothes with Aries helmet on top, and Aries Mu, who looked naked.

And was naked, as a matter of fact. Only when he noticed the company, he phlegmatically seized his helmet and covered his privates with it.

"I think," he said, a shade reproachfully, "that Ares was cheating."

End of Chapter 13 -- Go to Chapter 14

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