The Zeus Chapter

© 2007 by Torquemada

"XX Century Hoax"

proudly presents:

"Hades is not enough", or "Seiya never dies"

(The script of the Zeus Chapter, that is perfect for Toei animators to avoid at any cost).

This page was last modified: 2007/03/29

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Chapter 14

Warriors of all gods, unite! The power of naming.

"I'm so happy you didn’t give in to this horrible fraud and came back to me, honey!"

Poseidon was kneeling in front of Athena, holding her hands in his and staring into her eyes with what he thought was passion and romance.

"Hn," Athena said and looked away, because pretending to be sulking wouldn't do harm in suchlike situations. Besides, it was impossible to see Poseidon pulling romance and not to burst into uncontrollable laughter, which would spoil all effect of sulks.

"I always suspected the family behind all this nonsense. Trying to frame me so shamelessly, pah! I sincerely hope you really don't think there could be anything between me and him?"

Poseidon glared at Kanon, who fidgeted in the armchair, feeling quite uncomfortable in the crossfire of Poseidon's transparent wish to vanish him away from his tete-quite not-a-tete, and Athena's pointed request for him to participate in reunion. In other circumstances, Kanon wouldn't mind at all to be that proverbial superfluous third (though he never thought of himself as of superfluous. As soon as Kanon got himself involved in something, he counted everyone else as superfluous), but now his intuition screamed bloody murder.

"Nothing at all," he affirmed. There was something, in fact -- when Kanon drifted into awakeness by pleasant sensation and with much amusement realized it was caused by Poseidon's hand on certain interesting body part of Kanon's -- but he wisely decided to keep it with himself, first of all because he pretended to be sleeping so that he couldn't be asked to return a favour, and second because Poseidon pretended he was sleeping as well.

Although Poseidon might've been honest, after all, since Kanon remembered him complaining about a nightmare which involved a console game with its joystick melting in the crucial moment...

"I say, Kanon!" Athena's voice dragged him out of the memories with a rash start.

"I beg your pardon?" he smiled at two pairs of glaring eyes.

"I understand, Kanon, that daydreaming is way more entertaining than mumbling of two old boring deities," Athena caustically said, "but I hope you'll forgive this obnoxious interruption of mine, because there's a grave reason for me to do so."

"Yes, what is it?" Kanon kept smiling.

"Why, but Athena and me are jointing our armies, Kanon. Guess who'll be put in charge for all the merging stuff?" Poseidon cooed with badly hidden malice.

The look on Kanon at that moment, as both gods agreed later, was priceless.

* * *

"Next on list! Camelopardalis."

"Cameowhat? Creepers, what kind of names is that?"

"It's a giraffe in Latin. So, any volunteers? Krishna?"

"I am tall, but not that tall, thank you very much."

Kanon sighed and rubbed his temples. When he delivered the news about the merging to the Shoguns, with Poseidon's order to pick new names from the constellations, so that the new army would look unified, a riot naturally had risen. It was a perfect excuse for Kanon to flush his rage down, but after the riot was mercilessly vanquished, the hard part only started.

Because next came the Naming itself and -- as Io glumly rounded up -- all good names were already taken.

"Gimme the list for a second," Isaac took the constellation list from Kanon and ran his eyes through it. "Why not put some system into it, I say? For instance, I see there's a group of sea-related constellations: the Level, the Sails, the Keel. Why won't we take those? We are sea folk, after all."

"Yeah? And how shall we call ourselves, the Shipwreck Saints?" Io said scathingly. "I don't want to be the laughing stock of those stuck-up arses of the Sanctuary. Show me the list."

"What I don't understand," said Baian, "was the guy who named the constellations smoking something or what? I mean, I don't see any lions or bulls when I look up at the sky. It's just helluva lots of stars, the bloody mess of them! Lions my arse!"

"Yeah, they should have to pick you to do the naming. Astronomy would've been so much easier with names like Blob No. 1 ad Blob No. 17."

"Oh, shut up."

"Here, Baian," Io said, "I found the suitable name for you, Equuleus, or the Small Horse. Since you're a Sea Horse, it'll be easy to remember."

"Small Horse?" Baian frowned. "Blow it! I won't be having such a nickname, ever! It''s bloody hinting, that's what it is!"

"What?...oh. I see. Is your imagination vivid or whatnot. However, this doesn't hint. Microscopium would, this doesn't. Besides, you can only feel offended if it's true..."

"Shut up!" Baian snatched the list from the sniggering Io and started to read it, moving his lips as he did. "Oh, seems I found myself here! Sextant, that's me."

"It's not what you think. It's a gadget used in seafaring, Baian."

"What, really? With such a name?"


"I thought a sextant is a poor brainwashed fellow belonging to some evil religious group, no?" said Isaac.

"No, that would be a sectarian."


"I'll pick Indus, if you don't mind," said Krishna. "The Indian. I'm one, after all."

"Good idea!" Kaysa perked up. "Lets pick the closest to what we are!"

He glimpsed at the list.

"Found it! I'll be the Chameleon!"

"You can't," Kanon said. "It's taken. Besides, it's female."


"What is that mysterious thing with female constellations again?" Io said.

"It's complicated," Isaac, who considered himself a Sanctuary expert due to his brief training for it, lectured. "The main thing is that they wear masks...not constellations, of course. The girls who match them, that is. It would be reasonable in our Kaysa's case, now when I think..."

"Are you implying that I'm ugly?" Kaysa bristled.

Isaac found no answer to this by his opinion rhetorical question and went on:

"It's complicated, believe me. A total mix-up of genders, it is. Say, Ophiuchus the Serpent Holder belongs to the chick, and Andromeda -- the constellation as girly as you can get -- belongs to the boy."

"Andromeda? The one who killed me? A boy? You gotta be kidding me, man!"

"Nope. A boy. Balls and everything."

"And here I am planning to hit on her when in broke my heart."

"You can hit on him all the same," Kanon said. "They ain't too scrupulous about nuisances like gender in the Sanctuary. It's traditional, sort of."

"Ew. I like going to that place even less now. Andromeda, a boy...jeepers bloody creepers!"

"Your own name is of girl's, if I'm not mistaken?"

"You are," Io sullenly said. "My parents are computer geeks. Io stands for Input/Output."

On and on it went, in the same tune, until Kanon decided that if he didn't interfere, it would last eternity.

"Enough!" he snapped. Everyone instantly hushed. "You bunch is the best example of how too much freedom spoils humanity. Give me the list, I'll do the bloody naming myself -- and no arguing! A plane doesn't wait for those stuck in a loo."

He glared at the list and started reading with grim determination:

"Isaac -- Norma, the Level, for being such a level-headed prick. Enjoy now! Baian -- the Centaur! Well-hung horse thing, I hope you're happy...Kaysa -- the Horologium, you're as scary as E.A. Poe's pendulum, if not more! Io -- the Cup, just because! Myself...I will be the Furnace, because it's exactly how I'm feeling right now! All! No, not all! Why do I have this feeling I forgot something?"

He looked around; his gaze brushed over Siren Sorrento, who quietly lurked at safe distance from the rest, then returned back and locked the poor Shogun in invisible shackles.

"Oh. Indeed. How could I forget my Sorrento?" Kanon purred.

Sorrento cowered.

"Soooo...Sorrento," Kanon said slowly, pretending to be in deep consideration. Everybody turned their heads to the unfortunate victim with anticipation. "Since I love you dearly, I will make a special exception just for you. I'll let you choose."

Sorrento looked up in sheer disbelief.

"...from the Hare and the Lesser Dog."

End of Chapter 14 -- Go to Chapter 15

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