The Zeus Chapter

© 2007 by Torquemada

"XX Century Hoax"

proudly presents:

"Hades is not enough", or "Seiya never dies"

(The script of the Zeus Chapter, that is perfect for Toei animators to avoid at any cost).

This page was last modified: 2007/03/29

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Chapter 15

Behold, Sanctuary! The D.U.M.B. strikes again.

"It would be nice of them to hurry up a bit," Milo peevishly said. "It's already..." he squinted at the sun in attempt to determine hour, " late. I'm bored."

He was not the only one -- all the Saints were lined in front of the Aries Temple on the occasion of the very important even, that was arrival of Poseidon's forces, the new allies of Sanctuary against the enemy unknown but very dangerous, as Athena instructed them.

Though it was early morning, the sun of Greece was merciless, especially to somebody canned into a metal Cloth -- the Saints were told to present themselves fully armoured, and the odour of manly sweat, mingled with Aphrodite's all-penetrating perfume, firmly backed the sun up in the fight against saintly self-discipline. The self-discipline was currently winning, but it was clear the change in balance of power was just a question of time.

"Don't fuss," Shura said. "Take example from our Goddess," his eyes admiringly followed Athena, who was wisely standing windward and throwing occasional sharp glares at her army, with this making the unlucky Saints to squirm no worse than hellish sun. "She's here as long as we are, but just you look at her. Fresh like a rosebud. True Goddess!"

"She's in the nighties," Milo said. "And we're in tins. Dig the difference?"

Shura opened his mouth to explain the difference between robes and nighties, but remembered that any kind of knowledge would be wasted on Milo; at the same time the limo of size of a barge skid to halt in front of the stairs, followed by ear-tearing screech of brakes. The driver's door opened, Kanon's head poked out, then hid back with words 'Yeah, that's the place. Get out now'. The former Poseidon's Marinas climbed out -- very reluctantly, since the limo, unlike the air around it, had a conditioner. While Poseidon went to greet Athena, they got Sorrento out of the luggage rack, shook him a bit to get into shape, and lined up alongside the car. The official part had begun.

Like every other officiality, it was boring, and like in every other officiality, there were ignoramuses who couldn't really appreciate the importance of the moment.

"So which one is your other pupil?" Milo whispered to Camus, when Athena wasn't looking their direction.

"Green hair, one eye," Camus whispered back, when Athena turned away again.

"He's hot," Milo informed on yet another moment of Athena's inattention.

"If you dare even with one finger..." hissed Camus, who actually loved kids a lot, and not in a perverted way. Since his chosen profession wouldn't allow him to lead a normal family life, he transferred all that love on his pupils.

"What? Can't I simply look and admire? Out of pure appreciation?" mumbled Milo.

"I doubt you ever knew meaning of pure," Camus unwittingly raised his voice, what was enough for Athena to impale him on a particularly ominous glare. Milo next to him radiated angelic innocence, and Camus another time contemplated on unfairness of life.

Finally it was over. The gods commanded at ease to their soldiers, Athena went to educate Camus in matters of respect to the gods and how those, who show no respect, are smitten, and Poseidon turned to say hello to his nephew Ares, currently hosted by Mu. Athena's Saints and Poseidon's Marinas meanwhile remained clustered in two groups, not really knowing what to do next.

The first bridge over the waters of awkwardness was built by Hyoga. Isaac was his childhood friend, with whom Hyoga connected most of his good memories; also he took a big share in Hyoga's issues, involving eyes and deaths. These reasons were enough to give Hyoga's will to socialize a huge boost.

"Izzy! I'm so happy to see you!" Hyoga ran to Isaac with tears of happiness in his eyes.

There was an instant hush over the Marina group. All as one, they looked at Isaac, and every single pair of eyes reflected big astonished 'Izzy?!' Of course, it was logical to suppose that Isaac had childhood like everyone else, but it was too easy to dismiss the fact under influence of Isaac behaviour -- he always acted like he was born into this world already mature, serious and fully armoured.

Isaac blushed under the weight of unwelcome attention. As Hyoga, oblivious to reaction his careless words had caused, continued spilling out cheerful little facts and memories of their childhood, the primary astonishment changed into malevolent glee. Isaac suddenly found out he really wasn't anticipating his inevitable future.

Still blushing furiously, he seized Hyoga on his arm and dragged away from the happy grins of the Shoguns.

"Couldn't you hold that Memory Lane now? Couldn't you?" he reproached. "Until we had some time in private?"

"Oh! Sorry," Hyoga sagged.

"It's not, like, I mind or something," muttered Isaac, torn between feeling of self-esteem in danger and guilt of upsetting his only friend, "but there's time and place for everything, and it's not now and here. I must keep my image, see? Now how would you like if I started remembering in your friends' vicinity about how you used to pee in your bed until you was ten?"

"He did, really? What happened when he hit ten?" Ikki, who managed to sneak close unnoticed, butted in.

"Well really, I did! So what? Go and tell everyone, why won't you?" now it was Hyoga's time to blush.

"I wasn't going to," Ikki said. "It's just Shun got the same problem since Ares gen-ma-kened him," he glared daggers at Ares-Mu, who made a face at him. "One day, the bastard will pay m for everything, but now I only want to teach Shun out of it. That's why I'm asking."

"At ten we were transferred from kindergarten trainee campus to the advanced one," Isaac said. "It was cold there. I mean, really cold -- if you pee in your bed, you spend the rest of night on yellow ice. It worked."

"Kindergarten campus? We didn't have such a wussy thing back at Death Queen's," Ikki said with pride. "Anyway, I guess it won't work in this climate."

"Guess not."

"Oi, Izzy?" honey-laced voice of Io made Isaac wince. "C'mere, we're discussing accommodation."

"We are to live in the Sagittarius Temple," Io informed, when Isaac, Hyoga and Ikki joined in. "This young gentleman," he nodded towards Aiolos, "kindly agreed to move to his brother's and provide us with lodging."

"Sagittarius, eh?" Ikki commented. "Tough luck, mates. It's third last up the mountain."

"Why am I not surprised?" Io sighed.

"What, all we crammed into one Temple?" Isaac frowned.

"Fortunately, not. Kanon's going to the Gemini, he said he well damn has the same right to live there as his brother, if not more...I may only hope morning will find two corpses there, for they seem to be so fond of each other...then, Krishna found his brother in religion -- see that blonde? Now, this was of some surprise to me, I never expected to meet someone who actually understands what Krishna speaks about most of the time. So he's going to the Virgo...oh, and Sorrento will be living with him," Io pointed at Aphrodite, who chimed something to the grinning Kanon and trembling Sorrento.

"I say, it's odd choice," Isaac disapproved.

"As if he could choose," Io giggled. "The make-up guy asked Kanon if 'that cuuuuute boy with pink hair could stay at his place', and Kanon instantly shouted out an order. Aren't we lucky to be out of S.D.'s range of favours?"

"That's for sure."

The rest of the day passed by running, then walking, then lurching up and down stairs with pieces of luggage and resolving numerous small inconveniences of 'Oops! Sorry, wrong Temple, those wretched things look all the same' sorts. Then night crept in, cooling down the oven of weather and bringing peace and relaxation to Sanctuary's tenants.

To most of them, at least.


"This is insufferable!" Ikki furiously punched his pillow. "It's bloody 2 a.m., don't they ever grow tired?"


"Bloody bastards! You'd think they ought to howl their voices away hours ago, but noooo! No such luck for poor me!"

"Jai guru de va...."

"What's interesting," Shiryu said, "is that Shaka didn't do these recitals when he was alone. It must be some interesting collective religious thing."


"I don't give a damn," Ikki growled, dressing up. "All what matters to me, it that those mantramumblers rob me of my sleep, and I'm so going to get their arses for that!"


"It can be dangerous," Seiya noted, sitting up in his bed. "Shaka says he's the closest man to God, y'know."

"Any god in his mind has already fled out of range of hearing those cursed Lennon/McCartney," Ikki snorted, "so this doesn't worry me. Besides, I took him down once, I can do it again. Are you going to back me up?"

"Sure. Can't sleep anyway."

"Count me in too," Shiryu said. "Though I hope we can do it without fighting. Maybe they'll stop if we ask politely?"

"Yeah, riiiight....Hyoga, are you with us?"


"Hyoga? Hah, how can he sleep in such noise?"

"He took a couple of those sedative pills Mu prescribed for Shun. That was smart move, now when I think. Perhaps we should've followed his example," Shiryu said.

"Perhaps, shmerhaps! Too late anyway. Lets go?"


"Oh. Shun. Sorry for waking you. Nightmares again?"

"Snif...oh, niisan! Those...those flowers! Daisies! Sunflowers! And, and venus flytraps!!!"

"Oh how I'm gonna get this Ares one day...but Shaka's first in the line. Shun, since you're awake anyway, would you join our peacekeeping lynch mob? That'd be useful diversion, that would."

"If I may to intrude, we aren't going to lynch anyone..."

"You may not, Shiryu. Come on, Shun."

"O-okay, niisan."

Thus the little squad, lead by dark and determined Ikki, began their descent towards the Virgo Temple.

The night was moonless, and the Sanctuary clock did not provide much light, therefore the journey was cautious and long enough to fade away big part of Ikki's fury, despite of that chanting never stopped.

"We must be here...more or less," Ikki said to his invisible in the dark company. "Why didn't I think of pocketing a flashlight?"

"Guess that's because you never think before you do something..."

"I heard that, Seiya!"

Ikki bumped into someone.

"Ouch! Watch your steps!"


"Who's here?"

"Of course, you couldn't ask that before you gave me a dose of high voltage," Ikki grunted, blinking stars out of his vision field.

"Sorry," said Aiolia, helping Ikki to stand up and igniting another charged ball to enlighten the whereabouts. "What are you guys doing here anyway?"

"Came to kindly ask the Opera House to close. You?"

"The same," said Aiolos. "This is intolerable. Aiolia should has gone to bed hours ago, I fail to understand how they can be so insensitive about the others."

"Don't look at me like that," Aiolia said to the Bronzies. "He still has troubles remembering I'm not five years old anymore."

"Whatever," Ikki shrugged. "It's only for good you guys are here. The bigger crowd has more chances to persuade them to cease wailing. So, who'll knock?"

In the silence of nobody volunteering, several things happened and spared the company from said unpleasant necessity.

First of all, somebody landed on Aiolia, toppling him forward and sending the stray ball of electricity to bounce around, causing wild jumping, ouches, and eventually setting one of surrounding bushes on fire. The light revealed the company being complemented by the three newcomers.

"You again? Aren't you guys, like, bored by coming here over and over?" Seiya kindly enquired.

Ikki's eyes narrowed dangerously, as he too recognized the baffled trio.

"My my, what a surprise. Isn't it our old pals Dicky Doodle and his phallic symbols. Welcome back, boys."

"Stop calling me that!" Atlas nee Dicky Doodle nee Cabernet Sauvignon spat out. "That episode is over, okay? Now we are...we are...we...Jaoh?"

"Fraud Accountants of Hermes," Jaoh droned with a sigh, for umpteenth time cursing himself for lousy choice of career. "Gross Profit, Bank Credit and Annual Audit."

"Gross again," Ikki snidely remarked. "Is it such a problem to apply some common sense when you choose your names?"

"Think it's our idea?" Atlas-Gross Profit said, bitterly. "Well it's not! Is that my fault if I'm always being hired by wackos?"

'Who else's?" sneered Jaoh-Bank Credit. "You did sign the contract, did you? Well, did you? Jerk."

"Oh, shut up!"

"Hermes, isn't he that creep who wanted to establish an amusement park here?" Ikki interrupted the lovely conversation of two brothers in arms. "C'mon, show up, why won't you? I know you are somewhere around. I still haven't filled the complaint form regarding my job description. It would save so much precious time if I explained what was wrong with it here and now, and eye-to-eye."

"Ha ha," said a voice of Hermes out of the empty air. "Coming right now, my arse! To get me, you'll have to go through them first!"

"With a pleasure," promised Shiryu, taking his battle stance. "I certainly owe them for that gravitation thing."

"Dream on, loser. I kicked your arse then, I will now," Atlas-Gross Profit taunted.

"Hey Atlas," Coma Bernice, now Annual Audit, butted in. "I think this guy with a nasty looking fireball is more dangerous than those kiddies. Perhaps we better start from him?"

"Good idea," Atlas warily squinted at Aiolia. "Try that new attack of yours on him, Coma...Audit...bloody stupid names!"

"It's not a fireball, you morons," Aiolia replied with righteous indignance, "and I'll show you 'start from him', bah!"

"I'm not scared," Annual Audit aka Coma Bernice shouted back, waving his hands frantically. "Shadow Economy Attack!"

"Is that all you can do?" Aiolia jeered, when nothing happened. "Now's my turn! Lightning..."

Before he finished, somebody grabbed his arm from behind.

"Hey!" Aiolia turned around and faced a stone-faced bald man in black suit and sunglasses.

"Don Vito would like to have a word with you," the baldie spoke in hoarse whisper. "This is an offer you cannot refuse."

"Who's don Vito?" Aiolia frowned. "Whatever, it's not the time..."

"Don Vito said now, then now it is," the baldie was not inclined to negotiate. "Come."

Aiolia was dragged backwards and disappeared in shadows before Aiolos and the rest understood what's happened.

"It worked...I can't believe it," breathed Gross Profit aka Atlas.

"What did you do to my brother, you bastards?!" Aiolos growled, trying to point his arrow at all three Fraud Accountants at the same time. "I’m going to fry you alive!"

"You ain't, because it works!" Atlas blew a raspberry at him. "And now it is a good time for you to die! Gold Market Crash!"

"It did?" Shiryu said. "Funny, last 'Financial Times' mentioned nothing about it."

"You read 'Financial Times'?" Ikki looked at Shiryu as if the latter suddenly grew a second head.

"Yes. What's so strange about that?"

"Look, boys! Look!" Seiya intervened, excitedly pointing at Aiolos.

The Cloth of Aiolos, to much of his astonishment and discomfort, was rapidly shrinking, until Aiolos had to command it to wrap to prevent being cut into pieces. After what there was left a Gold Cloth box size of a matchbox and the arrow size of a dart.

"This makes sense," Shiryu nodded. "When price of gold collapses..."

"Makes sense, you say?" Aiolos flipped his gaze from the gloating Accountants to the golden dart in his hand. "Well, my grandma, a wise woman she was, always been saying that if you got spirit, a pin can be a pretty good weapon."

His eyes dangerously gleamed.

"And I've got plenty of spirit!"

He made a go at Atlas.

"Ouch! Don't you dare poking me! Ow!"

"Really? Why not?"


"Ouch! Because it's...ouch! Against the rules!"

"What rules?"

Poke, poke.

"Ouch! Stop it now!"

"'kay, stopping. What about you, redhead? Is it against your rules too?"

"Hey hey hey, keep this thing away from me! Ow!"

Without his Cloth, Aiolos couldn't move in light speed, but it was not necessary. The Bronzies eventually understood they should help, and shortly after they joined in, the Fraud Accountants threw the white flag.

"So you've lost. Again," Ikki smugly concluded. "Time for your boss to show up. Hermes?"


"Hermes, don't you see? Your army defeated, rules tell it's time for you to come out!"

More silence.

"Maybe he's not here?" Seiya ventured.

"Of course he isn't," Gross Profit aka Atlas scowled through his tangled mane.

"So where is he?"

"Pah! Won't say."

Aiolos threateningly held out his dart.

"Alright, alright! He ran upstairs in the very beginning of this mockery for a battle! Pathetic coward, why I always get wimps for employers?"

"Upstairs?" the Bronzies and Aiolos exchanged looks. "Athena!"

"Guess now we can leave the place," Atlas darkly said, when the hasty footfall echoed away in the distance. "And wait for another idiot to hire us, I suppose."

"And why is that? Because some other idiot signed the..."

"Oh, shut up."

* * *

Athena was sitting in front of the mirror, idly brushing her hair and trying to set her mind on right decision. There were two options: either to join Julian (who snored) in his sleep, or Kanon in Pope's spa (Kanon granted that Saga wouldn't show up until he's there, and even if he did, it was enough for Kanon to pretend he was drowning to chase Saga away, sulking and swearing; however, he couldn't promise he'd get rid of Shion). The scales were inevitably tilting towards the second option (after all, if Shion would see something he was not supposed to see, he was old and wise enough to never wag his tongue around). Then the door slammed open and the third, unpredicted, option in a face of Hermes stormed in and solved Athena's dilemma.

"Sis?" Hermes looked pale and frightened. "Save me from your bandit's, for dad's sake!"

"What are you doing here? And why should I lift a finger to save you from my Saints?" for Athena, it wasn't a problem to associate 'bandits' properly. Perhaps because she was the Goddess of wisdom, or perhaps she knew her army well enough.

"You won't regret it!" Hermes hotly assured. "I came bearing important news!"

"What kind of..."

The door burst open again, Hermes squealed and jumped behind Athena.

"Here you are!" Ikki, who lead the reestablished lynch mob, roared. The roar came out not too convincing, though -- Ikki noticed Athena's unexpectedly cool for given circumstances behaviour.

"Here I am," Athena confirmed. "Now, when you made your point, why won't you tiptoe out, quietly close the door behind yourself and go play hide-and-seek somewhere else?"

"But Athena-san, you're in danger..." Seiya stammered.

"Am I?" Athena arched her eyebrow and turned to Hermes, who split into wide innocent grin. "Does he look dangerous to you?"

"Oh...well, then..." Seiya mournfully looked at Hermes, who was vigorously shaking his head now, then back at Athena. He couldn't understand what was going on, but he didn't need to; what he did understand, was that the chase was over, however disappointing, and it was time to leave. In a hurry. "...then we better go, shall we, guys?"

"What about my brother?" Aiolos stepped forward.

"What WAS that, a mafia attack?" Hermes said. "Don't worry about him. Don Vito would only ask about how his nephew is doing here, if he's eating well, does he write to mama often and suchlike. Your brother will be back soon. Maybe he already is by now."


"Yes, Cancer Deathmask. He is from the Corleone family, didn’t you know?"

"It figures," Ikki muttered.

"Then what about my mini-Cloth, eh?" Aiolos wouldn't give in.

"No worries! Effect must wear off by morning," Hermes beamed.

"I guess I can go play darts with Milo until then," Aiolos said, when they left Athena's rooms. "I wonder if I could slip my arrow for my lucky dart."

"To Milo? You could slip him an elephant for a Christmas tree, and he wouldn't notice," Ikki snickered.

* * *

"Well? I'm waiting for your explanations," Athena crossed her arms on her chest and gave Hermes a stern look.

Hermes rolled his eyes.

"I would think you'd figure it out by yourself, especially after that wimp Dionysus tipped you. But if you want me to say it loud, here it is: dad is mad with you and Uncle doing your thingies, and he will pester you until you give up. Simple as that."

"He is?" Athena huffed. "But he's much worse affairs! He's got no limits at all, and yet he dares moralize me? Dad's such a hypocrite!"

"What else is new?"

"So what should I do, Hermes?"

"Dump the Uncle, and that's it. Why are you sticking with him anyway?"

Athena had too much of manners to say such things aloud; instead, she sent a mental image.

Hermes whistled.

"Really? That big?"


"I see your point, sis, yet why don't you pick some mortal? They're not bad...Aphrodite never complains, at least."

"I'm not her!" Athena snapped. "What next, will you offer me to taste delights of celibacy like Artemis?"

"Er, must confess this has crossed my mind..."

"Out of question!"

"Alright, alright! Try finding the way out by yourself then, will you?"

"Sorry, brother...guess I overreacted a bit. I'd appreciate help from you very much," Athena apologized. One didn't need to be a deity of wisdom to understand that the Trickster God was better friend than enemy.

"Eh...before we start, can I please use your spa?"


"This thing is so addictive," Hermes said, a shade embarrassed. "I actually missed it when I left from here..."

"Do I know that," Athena grinned. Then she remembered something.

"Lets go there with no delay then. Mind do you feel about exotically cute not really human guys?"

"What kind of question was that?"

"Oh, nothing. Just asking. Female curiousity, nothing behind that..."

* * *

In the meantime, most of the Sanctuary had no clue about big bad battle taking place on its ground.

Baian and Io were quietly sharing the smoke on the porch of the Sagittarius Temple, when Milo whistled by.

"Wonderful night, mates!" he cheerfully waved at the Shoguns. "Miraculous night!"

"Is it?" Io said politely.

"Absolutely!" emotions were breaking out of Milo with irresistible power, and he stopped to share his big news. "You won't believe me, guys, but I just met a woman of my dreams! Yep, precisely! Like she stepped out of my imagination! And, oh! What a marvelous time we had!"

"Did you."


"But you know what's strange, guys?" Milo was too happy to perceive notes of malicious understanding in answers of the Shoguns. "Why I never saw her here before? I mean, how could I possibly miss someone as gorgeous as she? Or did she arrive with you? But I didn't see her then as well..."

"She did. She so did," Io nodded, keeping the straight face with great effort. Baian, who was worse in that, faked a fit of coughing.

"Well, then I'm very happy about you and us clubbing together!" Milo proclaimed. "Good night to you!"

"Sweet dreams."

"Cough! Yeah."

Milo saluted to them and pranced further to his Temple.

"Maybe we should have told him?" Baian said after some time.

"Nah. Better leave it to him to find out by himself. I hope I will be close enough to see his reaction when he will."

"Hell you're right," Baian smirked. "Plus it's comforting to know you're not the only victim to fall for Kaysa's pranks."

Io squinted at him with understanding and compassion.

"That, too."

End of Chapter 15

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